Chapter Forty-Three
Lulu - Present Day
Darkside – Neoni
What I’m about to tell Quinn could determine whether this is the beginning of her and H, or the end. And I don’t know if I'm ready to be responsible for his unhappiness.
But, here goes nothing, I suppose.
“I’m a murderer.”
I drop my confession like I’ve just told her I don’t keep my chocolate in the fridge. I do, because that would be sacrilege.
“I’m sorry, could you please repeat that?” Her face doesn’t even look shocked.
“I’m a murderer,” I repeat.
Silence.
“I think I need some context.” That confession should set off screaming alarm bells in her brain. It doesn’t. “I’d be a hypocrite if I judged you off the bat, considering the amount of times I’ve massacred my mother and brother in my mind.
“Context? It’s murder. What kind of context?”
“Well, if you murdered a child for no reason, then we’d have a problem. If you murdered an abuser, then that would be justifiable in my eyes. In fact, I’d ask when I can join you.”
My eyes water with acceptance. “You would be correct. I am a murderer of predators. I pick a target, stalk them, and then repeat their crimes on them.”
“How do you pick them?”
“Well, you know we have the underground network?” She nods.
“I have an anonymous site on the dark web where victims can submit their abusers for consideration. Call it pot luck. Each one brings something different for me to enjoy, but I base my decision on a case-by-case basis. Violence against women is an epidemic, but I don’t limit my options.
If a man has been abused by a woman, she can die too.
I’m not picky. I do my due diligence, and evidence must be authenticated before I harm a hair on someone’s head. ”
“What do you do with their bodies?”
“Uh, uh, uh.” I shake my head. “Nice try. A truth for a truth.”
She laughs. “You can’t blame a girl for trying.” She says, swallowing. “I was raped by my brother and one of his best friends while my best friend—who it turns out is my brother’s girlfriend—held me down for them. Your turn.”
I huff. “Jesus Christ, you win.”
She laughs. “Why, thank you for declaring me the winner of the Trauma Olympics. For our next session, please bring an appropriate amount of bags of candy, and we can make our own trauma candy salad.”
“I’ve seen those online. They look hilarious.”
“Next truth,” she demands.
I sit there, looking around the room, ping-ponging between my options.
“Fucking hell, how many are there?” she asks.
I laugh. A couple. “Okay. When they’re dead, I cut off their bits and stuff them.
Then I sell them in my shop to unsuspecting people who think they’re just decorating their shelves with a skin-like silicone.
Then I burn their bodies in my best friend’s crematory, and she uses their ashes for pottery and artwork.
Some of our applicants request their ashes to be delivered in certain trophy forms like jewellery or house decorations, so we honour those requests where we can—which is selectively. ”
“That’s fucking brilliant.”
“Now, come on. Stop deflecting. We’re here for you. You can learn more
about me at the end. It will be your reward.”
“Deal. One of the first nights after I was rescued, I had a memory trigger. One of my brother’s other friends, Keelan, came round to see me while I was home alone. He had found footage on Eric’s phone of the attacks.”
“Attacks, plural?” I ask.
She nods. “Yes, plural. I only watched one video. It was all I could
stomach.
“Hang on a minute. You watched a video of your own rape?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
“Well, how else was I supposed to know what happened to me?” she deadpans, like her response is normal.
“You’re a badass bitch, you know that, Quinn?”
She whips her hair over her shoulder and says, “I try.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“Disgusted. My own brother’s dick has been inside of me. I feel sick as fuck. But the worst betrayal is my best friend, Millie. I almost expected it from him and his friend. He’s been stealing my underwear since he was eleven. Not necessarily doing it to me, but a rapist? That doesn’t surprise me.”
“Do you remember any of the attacks?”
She shakes her head. “No, the only knowledge I have that it happened is from watching that video. His friend Keelan clearly wasn’t involved; he wanted to help me get closure.”
“But?”
“But then nothing. I don’t remember what happened next. If I had to assume, I would say it was close to my accident. Which I’m realising through this conversation with you, more than likely wasn’t an accident and was probably something to do with them.”
“You don’t seem emotional about it?” I ask, carefully, not wanting to trigger an onslaught of unnecessary emotion.
“I’ve had a few days to process my emotions over it.
I’ve journalled about it. I was upset. Now I’m fucking angry.
Now I want revenge. Fuck closure. The small percentage of rapists that go to jail in this country is disgusting.
Closure is impossible. Revenge, however—revenge sounds like fun.
And I think I deserve a little fun, don’t you?
” Her eyes light up. “Now it’s your turn for a truth. ”
“When I murder the predators, I cut off their dicks just as they get to the precipice of their climax. So for the rest of their miserable existence they know the feeling of disappointment every woman who’s ever had to fake it with them feels.”
“That’s fucking brilliant.” She sits there for a moment, closing in on herself. Ted nudges her with his nose, trying to prompt her into fussing him so she’s distracted from her brain.
“What’s on your mind, Quinn?”
“Would you help me?” She looks at me hopefully.
“Help you with what?”
“Revenge.”
“I’ll do anything you need me to do for you to be okay, Quinn.
But murder isn’t easy. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to end someone’s life and have no feelings of remorse.
I’m not an emotional being. I’m logical.
You’re not. You’re the complete opposite of me.
Which is amazing, because if everyone was like me, a) I’d be out of a job and the world would be fucking messy, and b) no one would ever be able to truly appreciate what love feels like. ” I stand up and kneel in front of her.
“So, yes. I’ll help you. But you have decisions to make, and what I say goes.”
She nods. “I’m listening.”
“Your dad. Does he have a redemption story in your mind?”
“He could do. I suppose how he acts over the next sequence of events will determine that for me. I don’t want him dead. I don’t believe he deserves to die.”
Clearly she’s a lot more stable than anyone ever thought she was.
“When it comes to your mum, how do you feel? Do you still wake up
every day wondering why you weren’t enough and why she doesn't love you?”
“I do,” she admits.
“That’s good. I need honesty. Here’s mine.
I think you could cope with getting revenge on Eric and Millie.
She’s your biggest betrayal. His friend doesn’t really mean anything to you.
Yes, he’s one of your rapists, but in the grand scheme of things, he’s irrelevant to your life.
Eric is someone whose murder I believe you would thrive off of.
Both he and Millie would be essential to your healing process.
” I sit back on my heels and tie my hair up on my head. It’s getting fucking warm in here.
But?” she asks.
“But I don’t think you would ever recover from the loss of your mother. No matter what she’s done, you still hope for her to turn around and be different. However you lose her, I believe it will devastate you.”
“You’re probably right. But while she’s alive, I’ll never be able to heal or relax.
I’ll always be looking over my shoulder wondering when she’s coming to get me.
That devastation for me is necessary to my healing process.
Would you do it for me?” She looks at me with hope in her eyes.
Like I’m the gateway from her present life into the next.
Like a dog looking at you with puppy eyes begging you to give it back its toy when it’s nap time.
And I’m a fucking sucker for puppies.
“Tell me what you need,” I say to her.
“I need you to kill my mother and Dane, his best friend. I don’t care how. I don’t care when. The other two I think you’re right about. I need to do those myself. But I’ll need your help with the aftermath.” She looks confident in her request, not second-guessing for a moment.
“You’ve got it, girl. But I have two conditions: H must know everything. I don’t keep secrets from the people I love. And I won’t lie to you about how and when.”
She tucks her hair behind her ears. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I pull her out of the chair, Ted looking at me like I’ve destroyed his entire life. “Come on then, girl. Let’s go find your man.”