Chapter 20
“Idon’t want to talk about it,” I mumble and close my eyes.
Mother gently runs her hand up and down my arm. “Whenever you are ready to talk about it, I’m here for you. I may not know a lot about them or the situation you are going through, but sometimes talking them out will help reveal things to yourself and make them clear.”
“Thanks, but I think I’m going to rest here for a little bit,” I whisper.
She pats my shoulder before getting up and leaving my room. I roll over onto my side and take a deep breath. Should I talk to her about it, or should I try and talk to Kieran and let him hear all of my unfiltered thoughts?
I’m sorry for acting the way I did, I mumble through the bond.
Even though I need time away from him to think through everything, it’s impossible for me to actually not talk to him. I want to be near him every second of the day, and I want to constantly be talking to him as well.
Sweets, it’s alright. I didn’t mean to keep it a secret from you, but I also didn’t want to tell you like this. I wanted to tell you when we had time to talk it through, he replies. Why don’t you get some rest? I can hum to help you.
Please.
“Were you able to get more sleep last night?” Mother asks.
I shake my head. I fell asleep rather quickly when Kieran was humming to me, but I was plagued with nightmares and woke up several times.
“Thinking about what happened yesterday?” She gets busy making some breakfast.
“Yes and no. When I was awake it was on my mind but it wasn’t the reason I woke up.”
Or maybe it was and I’m just lying to myself. Some of the nightmares were different than normal. They were centered around Kieran and him dying in front of me, or him telling me he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
Either way, I was awake for the majority of the night and thinking about Kieran one way or the other.
“Are you going to go talk to him about what is bothering you?” she asks.
“I want to, but I’m worried I’m going to say something wrong and won’t be able to take it back,” I reply.
That is another thing I was worried about all throughout the night whenever I thought about what Kieran did to me. It hurt me badly to know that he did something like that right after he promised me he wouldn’t… that we wouldn’t.
“Then before you start talking, tell him that your thoughts are all over the place and he will listen. If he truly loves you he will patiently hear you out, and if you speak calmly you should be okay,” Mother explains.
“But you also need to be prepared to hear his side of it as well. It is a two way street and you won’t be the only one explaining things and listening. ”
I sigh and lean back in my chair. “I know, and I do want to hear his side more. He told me some of it yesterday but my mind was so overwhelmed that I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was saying.”
Mother gently pats my shoulder. “And that’s okay. I’ve been the same exact way when your father told me things. You needed time to cool off and wrap your brain around everything.”
Nodding, I look over at the baby but quickly divert my eyes. Every single day it seems like he looks more like our father. Am I ever going to be able to look at him without the guilt eating me alive? What are we going to tell him when he grows up and asks where his father is?
“How about you go see him after you eat breakfast,” Mother suggests.
“We have several things to do around the house. My thigh is a lot better and we need to focus on getting caught up so we can make sure to have food on the table,” I reply. “I’ll see him in the afternoon.”
“Why not now?” she asks. “The chores can wait until the afternoon when you are done talking to him.”
“Because they have some sort of roll call in the morning.”
“How would you know that?” she asks, placing her hand on her hip.
I open and close my mouth several times. I know that because when I almost died in the snow he saved me and I spent the night with him.
“He told me about it,” I say hesitantly.
Mother’s eyes narrow on me, but she ultimately turns around and finishes up the breakfast.
“Whatever you say.” She starts whistling and my cheeks heat up.
“Have you guys worked it out yet?” Henry asks.
“Why is everyone worried about him and I and if we have made up?” I fire back.
“You two are important people. Everyone is worried when you guys look upset and don’t talk to each other,” he explains.
“Kieran was upset?” My eyebrows bunch together.
“From what Zahra told me, he was upset at himself for making you cry and angry. He was mad at himself and not at you,” he repeats.
Was that why when I felt anger it seemed to fester and grow, because I was feeling his as well? He was finally letting me feel his own feelings?
“Did she say anything else?” I ask, trying to sound like I don’t care too much but am curious.
Henry smiles. “Worried about him?”
“Even if I’m angry at him, I will always be worried in some way,” I reply, not being able to hold my true feelings in.
“We are mates and he is constantly on my mind. I’m worried that he is going to take something the wrong way and it’s going to create this huge division between us.
I’m worried that even though I need time he is going to think that I don’t want to be his mate any longer, which isn’t true. ”
“Talk to him and see if he did anything else,” Henry says before walking off to the right.
Mouth hanging open, I watch his figure get farther away.
“Wait, where are you going?” I call after him and take a step, but I’m stopped when a hand grabs mine.
“He is giving us some privacy so we can talk about things,” Kieran says.
My head whirls toward him. “When did you get here?” I ask. “What did you hear?”
A small smile forms on his face. “You trying to act like you care but not care too much. But you want to know something?”
I nod and he leans forward, his mouth mere centimeters away from my ear.
“You are terribly at trying to act like you don’t care while also being very curious,” he whispers.
My face flushes and I look away as he pulls back.
“Don’t be embarrassed now. It was quite cute,” he replies.
“Everyone was worried about us, and hearing it from Henry just made me curious,” I mumble.
“And made you a little worried about me,” he states.
“I never said that!” I raise my voice as I turn to him.
“But I could feel the emotions. They don’t lie through the bond.
No matter how hard you try to change it for the other person.
” Kieran wraps his arms around me and holds me close.
“It’s okay. I was never mad at you. I was mad at myself for causing you so much pain when you are already going through a lot. ”
“To be honest I don’t think you telling me any way would have made me not angry at you and a little hurt inside,” I tell him. “I know I’ve done it to you when I was getting tortured, but you knew about it so it feels a tiny bit different. I think I was more hurt that you lied about it.”
He hums and runs his hands up and down my back.
“I think I was hurt that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me at the time.
I know you were worried about me and how I was going to react if I felt all your worries, but I would have understood if you told me you didn’t want me to feel your emotions.
I would have asked you to explain and I would hope that I would have been okay with it,” I continue.
“But if you knew that I was constantly worried about you, would that have been on your mind even if I told you that I had full confidence in you?” he asks.
I pull back slightly and look up at Kieran. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if it would have been on my mind or if I would have been too busy to really pay attention to those thoughts.”
We’ll never know now. But Kieran did what he thought was best at the moment and maybe he was right to do it. I just wish he hadn’t.
Kieran cups my face. “From now on we will tell each other if we have to close our feelings and pain, understand?”
I nod.
“Words.”
“Yes, Kieran. I understand.”
He runs his thumb back and forth. “But we are going to try our hardest not to hide them.”
“Correct,” I agree with him.
Kieran pulls me back into chest. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”
“It’s okay,” I mumble into his chest. “It hurt, but I do see why you did it.”
Kieran kisses the top of my head and holds me.
“My mother was worried about me last night when I came home. Henry seemed worried when we were walking here,” I say, trying to make conversation.
“Every Fae was worried as well. They kept asking me if you were alright and what had happened,” Kieran chuckles. “I thought I was about to get disowned for a couple of days because I had hurt you.”
I shake my head and pull away from Kieran. “They wouldn’t actually do that, would they?” I ask.
“I think they would. They care about you a lot and were giving me disapproving looks wherever I walked. I knew what I did was wrong, but they were making sure I also knew it at every opportunity.”
“So that means in the future you will never be able to get away with anything?” I ask cheekily as I wiggle my eyebrows at him.
“You are not going to get me in trouble on purpose.” He gives me a pointed look.
“I would never,” I chuckle. “I was just thinking about the future and in case you did something like this again.”
“Just you wait until it’s your turn and you get all the stares and questions from them.” He gently flicks my forehead. “Then you aren’t going to be laughing.”
“They would never do that to me.” I smile. “They love me too much to give me looks.”
Kieran shakes his head. “Just you wait. Some day you are going to do something to me, and when you walk around they are going to know and will give you looks. Don’t come running to me when they do.”
“Why would I run to you when we are in an argument?” I ask.
“Because I thought about calling out to you several times to come and talk to me so we could resolve it so I wouldn’t get any more stares. I knew what I did was wrong and they were making sure that I knew it every second until you came back and we resolved this.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad,” I mumble.
Kieran gently touches the side of my head and several different memories play in my mind… all of the Fae giving Kieran knowing looks, little glares, and telling him to fix it.
“Oh my,” I whisper as he pulls back. “I never thought it was that bad.”
“Just you wait until it’s your turn. Then I’ll be laughing at you,” he says.
I shake my head. “You won’t be laughing at me.”
He sighs and chuckles. “You’re right. First I’ll make sure that you are okay and take care of you. Then we will talk about the argument we had.”
“Can we promise each other something?” I ask.
He hums and cocks his head to the side.
“Can we not go to bed after an argument or if we are mad at each other. I don’t like the feeling and I don’t want to have any regret when it comes to life. What if something were to happen during the night and we left everything on an argument? What if we—”
Kieran kisses my lips. “I promise.”