Chapter Forty-Four Jax
Tigerlily walks into the bathroom, and the click of the door makes my heart race.
I turn to Callum and Zephyr, chest still heaving from what just happened, from having her in front of them like that.
“That was the first time I slept with her,” I say.
“What?” Callum’s voice cuts through the silence.
Zephyr doesn’t say anything. His jaw works but no words come out.
I run my hands through my hair, tugging at the roots until it hurts. “I can’t fucking do this with you two.”
“So what then?” Callum’s arms cross over his chest.
I shrug even though everything inside me is screaming. I can still smell her on my skin, still feel the ghost of her fingers digging into my shoulders, the way she deep-throated my dick.
“You’ll lose her,” Callum adds.
“No.” The word comes out sharp. “You two need to back off.”
“Dude.” Callum’s voice rises.
“That’s not what she wants,” Zephyr says.
“You can have her publicly, Jax.” Callum’s tone shifts, trying to be reasonable.
Zephyr and Callum look at each other, and it ticks me off. That silent communication, that fucking telepathy like I’m the odd one out, even though I’m fucking not.
“I agree.” Zephyr nods. “She’s yours in that way.”
I shake my head and mock, “In that way? What the fuck does that even mean?”
“I’m going to help her shower,” Callum says.
“You’re not.” My hand shoots out, grabbing his arm.
Callum ignores me and knocks on the door, shaking off my grip with ease. He turns to Zephyr and sighs.
Zephyr pats my back. “She’s made her choice clear.” He walks off.
The water shuts off in the bathroom, and my fingers tighten around my phone. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, same spot I’ve been in for twenty minutes, listening to the murmur of Callum’s voice through the door. Too low to make out words. Too intimate to ignore.
When they finally emerge, Tigerlily’s wrapped in my towel. Her hair is slicked back from Callum’s hands and there’s a softness in her expression that makes my stomach turn.
“I’m going to make something to eat,” she says, not quite meeting my eyes.
I watch her walk out, Callum trailing behind her like a lost puppy who just found his way home.
Zephyr appears in the doorway, leaning against the frame. “You good?”
“Do I look good?”
“You look like you’re about to put your fist through a wall.”
I stand and prowl to the window. The morning light is too bright. I don’t say anything because with each passing minute, I get more fucking mad. This was never the plan. I never wanted to share her.
Zephyr pushes off the doorframe. “I care about her.” He looks down the hall and says, “Cal does too.”
And there it is. The impossible situation. The corner I’m backed into.
That afternoon, I walk out of my bedroom and find them in the living room. Tigerlily’s curled up in the armchair, Zephyr’s book open in her lap as he explains something he’s studying. Their heads are bent together, almost touching, and the afternoon sun catches in her hair.
She laughs at something Zephyr says and the sound punches through my chest.
I clear my throat. They both look up.
“Hey.” Tigerlily’s smile is soft, welcoming. “We were just—”
“I can see what you were doing.” I don’t move from the hallway.
The smile fades. “Jax—”
“I need to talk to you. Alone.”
Zephyr closes the book slowly, deliberately. “I’ll go fuck off in my bedroom then.”
Sounds like a good plan to me.
When we’re alone, Tigerlily sets the book aside and stands. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” My voice exposes too much. “You’re sitting here with him like nothing changed.”
“Nothing did change.” She steps closer. “I told you—”
“We fucked.” The words come out too loud. “You let me have you in front of them. You said—”
“I said I chose you publicly.” Her voice is steady but her hands twist together. “I meant it.”
“Then what the fuck is this?” I gesture at the chair, the book, the space where Zephyr was sitting.
“This is me living my life, Jax.” Something hardens in her expression. “You don’t get to dictate every interaction I have.”
“With them, I do.”
The silence stretches. She stares at me and I watch her decide something. I watch the softness drain away.
“No,” she says finally. “You don’t.”
She walks past me and I’m left standing there feeling like I can’t read a single word.
She doesn’t come to my room that night. Or the next.
The house is too small. That’s the problem. I can’t escape the sound of her laughter drifting from the kitchen, can’t avoid seeing Callum’s hand on her lower back as he guides her through the doorway, can’t miss the way Zephyr tucks her hair behind her ear when she’s concentrating.
I watch them from the hallway, from the corner of my eye, from the goddamn shadows like the stalker that I am. And I hate myself for it. I hate them for making this so fucking hard.
I’m in the garage a few days later, hands buried in the engine of one of the bikes, when I hear footsteps.
“You’re avoiding her,” Callum says.
I don’t look up. “I’m working.”
“You’ve been in here all day.”
“Bike needed to be fixed, remember? It’s been sitting for too long.”
Callum’s quiet for a moment. The smell of oil and metal hangs heavy between us. “She asked about you at dinner.”
My wrench slips, barking my knuckles against unforgiving steel. “Good for her.”
“Jax—”
“Don’t.” I straighten, finally meeting his eyes. “Don’t fucking start with me.”
“She’s confused. She doesn’t understand why you’re pulling away.”
“I’m not pulling away.” The lie tastes like copper. “I’m giving her what she wants. She wants to fucking have you and Zephyr? Well, I’m giving her the space to be with you two.”
“That’s not what she wants.”
“No?” I toss the wrench into the toolbox, the clang echoing off concrete walls. “Then what does she want, Callum? Because from where I’m standing, she wants everything. Me publicly, you two privately, and some perfect fucking balance that doesn’t exist.”
“She wants all of us.”
“Well, she can’t have all of us.” The words rip out of me. “She has to choose.”
“She did choose. She chose you.”
“Not enough.” My voice drops. “She didn’t just choose me, so don’t make it sound like it.”
Tigerlily corners me after practice the next day. I’m in the shower, water beating down on my shoulders, when I hear the door open.
“Jax.”
I don’t turn off the water. “I’m busy.”
“We need to talk.” Her voice is closer now.
“I’m showering, Tiger,” I warn.
A pause. “Please.”
Her voice does something to me. It breaks something loose in my chest. I shut off the water, wrap a towel around my waist, and step out.
She’s leaning against the sink, arms crossed. Her hair is pulled back and there’s exhaustion written all over her face.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” she says.
“I’ve been busy.”
“Bullshit.” The word cracks between them. “You’re punishing me.”
“I’m not—”
“You are.” She pushes off the sink. “Because I won’t cut them off completely. Because I won’t pretend they don’t exist.”
My hands fist at my sides as water drips down my spine, cold now. “You fucked me in front of them.”
“I did.”
I lean forward and snarl, “After you let them fuck you first.”
She blinks. “I did.”
“Then why—” My voice breaks. I clear my throat and try again. “Why the fuck would you tell me that you want me? When you clearly want them, too?”
She stares at me for a long moment. “Because I do want you. And I want them too.”
The words hit like bullets. Clean through. Exit wounds.
“You want me?” My voice sounds distant, like it’s coming from underwater.
She lifts her shirt sleeve, showing me her wound, and starts to cry. “In case you’ve forgotten, Jax, my dad almost killed me. And when life flashes before your fucking eyes, something inside of you snaps. It changes. Callum and Zephyr are totally okay with this arrangement, but you…”
My jaw clenches as I stare at her, rage simmering in my chest. “I know you almost died, and I would’ve taken that bullet for you in a fucking heartbeat, Tigerlily. I did everything I could to fucking protect you. Everything! I went to your house every single fucking night since the––”
She presses her palms into her eyes and squats down to the ground. Her chest starts shaking, so I fall to my knees beside her.
“Tiger?” I say, placing my palm on her back.
She pushes my hand away. Then she stands quickly and hits the top of her head on my chin. Her wet eyes meet mine as she rubs the top of her head, and then she runs out of the bathroom.
I find her on the couch at sunset a few days later, knees pulled to her chest, watching the sky bleed orange and pink through the window.
She doesn’t acknowledge me when I sit down, maintaining a careful distance between us.
“Callum made your favorite for dinner,” she says after a while.
“I’m not hungry.”
“You’re never hungry.” She turns to look at me then and her eyes are rimmed red. “This is killing me, Jax.”
Good, I think. Then immediately hate myself for thinking it.
“Then fix it,” I say instead.
“How?” Her voice cracks. “Tell me how to fix this, and I will.”
“You know how.”
She shakes her head, sharp and immediate. “If you’re asking me to choose between you—”
“I’m not asking you to choose between us.” The words feel like they’re being dragged out of me with hooks. “I’m asking you to pick me completely.”
“I did pick you completely.” She’s crying now, tears tracking down her cheeks in the dying light.
“But not all of you.”
“No.” The word is barely a whisper. “Not all of me. Because all of me includes wanting them too.”
My gut sinks at those words.
We sit in silence as the sun disappears. The sky goes purple, then indigo, then black. I can’t help the racing thoughts in my head. Is this just lust? Is it more? It’s fucking killing me.
“I can’t do this,” I say finally.
“Can’t do what?”
“Watch you with them. Know that they’re touching you. Kissing you. Having pieces of you that should be mine.”
She’s quiet for so long I think she’s not going to respond. “So what happens now?”
I stand, look down at her small form silhouetted against the stars. “I don’t know.”
The breaking point comes the next morning at breakfast.
I walk into the kitchen to find Tigerlily sitting on the counter, Zephyr standing between her legs, feeding her pieces of fruit. Her fingers are wrapped in his shirt and she’s laughing at something he said, and the intimacy of it—the casual, comfortable intimacy—makes me see red.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
They both freeze. Tigerlily’s smile dies.
“Jax—” Zephyr starts.
“No.” My voice is cold, but my heart feels anything but frozen. It’s on fucking fire. “You know what? Do whatever the fuck you want. All of you. I’m done.”
I turn to leave, but Tigerlily’s voice stops me.
“What does that mean?”
I look back. She’s slid off the counter, Zephyr’s hand still on her waist.
I snap, “It means I can’t watch this anymore. It means you made your choice and I’m making mine.”
“You’re choosing to walk away?” Her voice is small.
“I’m choosing my sanity.” I meet her eyes. “And my self-respect.”
Callum appears in the doorway and takes in the scene. “What’s going on?”
“Jax is leaving,” Tigerlily says, and her voice breaks on my name.
“The hell he is.” Callum moves into the kitchen. “Jax, man, come on—”
“Don’t.” I hold up a hand. “Just... don’t.”
I walk out, make it to my room, and start throwing things into a bag.
I’m almost finished when she appears in the doorway.
“Where are you going?”
“My mom’s place. Anywhere but here. I need some distance.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know.”
She moves into the room, and I can smell her—vanilla and something floral—and it makes my hands shake as I zip the bag.
“Jax, please.” Her voice cracks. “Don’t do this.”
“You did this.” The words come out flat. “You made your choice.”
“I chose you!”
“No.” I finally look at her. Really look at her. Take in her tear-stained face, her trembling hands, the way she’s holding herself together by threads. “You chose them too. And I can’t—I can’t be one of many, Tigerlily. I can’t watch you with them and pretend it doesn’t gut me every single time.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?” She’s sobbing now. “Just turn it off like a switch?”
“Yes.” The word is brutal. Honest. “That’s exactly what I’m asking.”
“I can’t.”
“I know.” I pick up my bag. “That’s why I’m leaving.”
I move past her, shoulder brushing hers, and the contact burns.
“Jax.” My name is a plea.
I stop in the doorway but don’t turn around to look at her. I can’t handle seeing her like this. “When you’re ready, you know where to find me.”
I storm off.
Fuck that.
My mom’s house is empty. Cold. Exactly what I need.
I drop my bag by the door and move to the window. The city glitters in the distance, indifferent to my pain.
My phone buzzes. A text from Zephyr.
She’s not eating. Not sleeping. You need to come back.
I delete it and scoff. It’s been one fucking afternoon. So what?
Another from Callum…
You’re a coward.
I delete that too.
Then one from Tigerlily.
I need you.
I stare at it for a long time. Watch the cursor blink. Type and delete a dozen responses.
Finally, settle on mentally replying that I need her too.
I don’t reply because the truth is, I meant what I said. She has to choose. Really choose.
And until she does, I’ll wait in this cold, empty house and hope that loving me is enough to make her let the others go.
Even though, deep in the parts of myself, I already know it won’t be.
I will never be enough for her.