Chapter 2
Ivan
My Brother's Keeper
June One Year Later—London, England
“Ivan, there was nothing you could have done. She was very determined,” Sebastian said, trying to console me.
His eyes flashed with such intense ferocity that it startled me. I knew that if I checked his wallet, he’d have Vanya’s note to him tucked inside.
“Easy for you to say. She was my twin. My twin. I should have seen it coming. She tried to tell me how upset she was. I should have stayed with her.” Saying those words aloud to my best mates only intensified my emotions.
Guilt ate at every part of me. Leaving a carcass of self-loathing, shame, and failure.
“Don’t do this to yourself,” Marcel pleaded in a hushed tone.
Our eyes met—our bond was already solidified by this point in our lives, and I knew he spoke the truth, but it still hurt. The what-ifs were killing me. If I’d stayed with her that night, talked to my parents for her, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now.
I glanced over at my brothers standing by our parents. Alek’s jaw was clenched. He was fulfilling the dutiful big-brother job and hating every minute. Anger radiated from him in waves, and I knew he was as conflicted as me.
We were doing another press conference, hoping she’d see it and come to her senses. Friends of my parents were there in support, as well as families from my father’s connections.
Nikolai leaned in and whispered something in Alek’s ear, and he took a deep breath and relaxed his facial features. We were each carrying burdens, and Nik’s was to keep Alek calm, cool, and collected.
Got to love Nik and his ability to keep his emotions in check.
Compartmentalized in neat little books on an imaginary shelf in his head.
He’d pull them down and flick through them when he was alone.
I envied him in so many ways. Nik had taken our sister’s words to heart and had changed overnight.
He was probably hoping that when she came home, she’d be pleased to see he had listened.
I should have been more compassionate. The girl who filled our home with laughter, who challenged me every day of my life, struggled until she couldn’t take it anymore. The resulting loss of her in our lives was crippling.
She was my everything, the other half of me that made me who I was. Unlike Alek and Nik, Vanya and I were fiercely competitive growing up. My mother used to say we fought even in the womb. She was older by five minutes and lorded it over me every single day.
My mother had documented all of her children’s lives in journal entries. Last night, I snuck one from our toddler days and pored over the entries as I tried to cope.
“These two will fight over just about anything. Vanya wants the red train. Ivan gives it to her and plays with the blue one, and now she wants the blue one instead, and he isn’t having it.”
Vanya was a mastermind. The mischief she would get me into when we were little wore my mother out. She would send me on missions to search the kitchen for cookies and have me steal sweets from the fridge. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her.
Nik and Alek used to place bets on us. Anything from racing down the sidewalk to who would win intense rounds of cards or board games.
Who could swing the highest, who could learn to ride a bike first, and who could get a better grade on the weekly spelling test. The list went on and on—you name it, we competed over it.
But for as much competition as we had, there was also a closeness that I knew with no one else. Like many twins, we had our own language as babies. By the time we were older, we could have full conversations composed of nothing but inside jokes.
As the only girl sibling, she was as tomboyish as could be. She climbed trees better than most boys, and she reveled in puddle jumping and slinging mud. She was braver than me in so many ways.
I’d slept with a night-light until I was almost eleven.
She’d be the one to double-check under my bed for me to ensure the monsters weren’t waiting to take me to hell.
Never afraid of anything, she’d catch snakes and jump off the high-dive board.
She was our little daredevil. We never saw her as fragile, not until it was too late.
Right before she turned twelve, she started doing her own things. Making friends with girls her own age, she went about trying to figure out her femininity. As her body changed, so did she. But underneath it all was the free-spirited, tough, sassy, and wild girl who owned our hearts.
Then it all went to hell.
The guys and I stood off to the side of the stage, waiting for the conference to end, when suddenly, we overheard someone say, “Such a pity. She was a sweet girl. How long has it been now? A year?”
I clenched my fists. They didn’t even know her.
“I’m sorry, but they should have kept a better eye on her. With everything she—” a man said, and I went ballistic.
At sixteen, I was already quite large and worked out faithfully, so I tackled the guy and attempted to beat the living shit out of him. Marcel and Sebastian tried to stop me, but in the end, my father and brothers pulled me off.
I stormed off and made my way to Vanya’s room. It still smelled faintly like her, and I lay down on her bed and cried like a baby. Several minutes later, the guys joined me. They all sat on the floor, waiting for me to get it together.
Finally, when I stopped, Marcel spoke up. “Ivan, the anger you feel is justified. We need to channel it. If you could do one thing right now, what would it be?”
“Kill the motherfuckers who did this to her,” I answered, looking up. He nodded solemnly.
“Okay, you said earlier that you should have stayed with her. I’m assuming she asked you to?” Marcel was always good at getting a person to open up.
“Yes, but I didn’t, and now look at where we are.”
“That isn’t going to do you any good right now. Save that self-pity for someone else. Turn your face toward us, Brother, now,” Sebastian demanded.
“What is our motto?” Alek asked quietly.
“Not now. That stupid motto has no bearing on this,” I grumbled, swallowing back more tears. How much could a person actually cry?
“Bullshit, it was Vanya’s idea. One even Mother got behind. Say it,” Nik roared, shocking us all with his outburst. The veins in his neck stood out, and he looked like a complete stranger to me at that moment. It scared me enough to answer him.
“Fine. What is mine is ours.” My voice broke. I knew he was only trying to help. They were in as much pain as I was, but he was reminding me I wasn’t alone.
Our sister coined our motto years before, and thinking about that specific memory only made me choke on the emotions.
I’d always looked up to her. When we were younger, she was like a second mother to me.
Whatever she said, I believed entirely; she was the smart one of our duet, like Nik was with Alek.
Squeezing my eyes tight, I hugged her favorite bear to my chest like a child.
Rain fell from the afternoon sky as Nik, Alek, and I fought over a toy. The three of us wrestled, throwing elbows and punches like most eight- and nine-year-old boys did, trying to steal it from each other.
Vanya was reading off to the side and had had enough. She put her hands on her hips and flipped her long black hair over her shoulder.
“Dostatochno.” Enough, she yelled, getting our attention.
“You’re brothers, and as brothers, this silly toy belongs to all of you. There is no mine, there is only ours. Now you will share and take turns. You will not fight against your brother. You will only fight for him.”
“Yeah, well, what if I break it instead?” Nik said, taunting her like he loved to do. He was the last one who had the toy in his hand.
She rolled her eyes. “Well, that is pure foolishness on your part, then, Nikolai James, because then no one gets to play with it. What is wrong with you? Brothers don’t treat each other like that.
Mother is always saying that you are your brother’s keeper, so you need to protect what is your brother’s, always. ”
She took a deep breath and flashed her winning grin. The one that could get us to do anything for her.
“Now, the three of you will join hands.” She waited, tapping her foot as we grumbled at each other but did as she requested. She stepped between Alek and me, completing our circle of four.
“Repeat after me.” She cleared her throat and said, “I am my brother’s keeper.
I shall not keep, nor hide, anything from my brother.
I will always be honest and stand beside him whenever he is in need.
I’ll honor him, fight beside him, and protect whatever is his.
For what is his is ours, and what is mine is ours. I am my brother’s keeper.”
Even when she was little, she was fiercely protective of her family.
So sitting in Vanya’s room, Alek asked once more, “What is our motto, Brother?” And the next thing I knew, the five of us were joining hands and repeating Vanya’s words.