21. Bailey
One awkward conversationwith my mom later, I decided togo to bed. It was late. I’d gotten one text from Dallin wondering why I wasn’t at the party (suspicion confirmed) and none from Jamie (hopes officially dashed). I spent the better part of an hour lying under my covers thinking about what my mom said and concluded she was right about one thing—I deserved better.
Which was why I was not at all happy when he snuck into my room after midnight.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as he quietly closed my bedroom door.
He didn’t seem surprised at the anger in my voice. As he approached my bedside, the regret and shame in his eyes had me throwing up walls. I’d tried to prepare myself for this moment, to tell myself it was okay. We could just go back to how things used to be before. But I knew that wasn’t true.
“I wanted to see you.”
Jamie took two long, slow steps toward my bed. I narrowed my eyes. If he thought he was going to crawl next to me, he had another think coming. He must have sensed his life was in danger because instead of lying beside me, he knelt next to the bed.
He propped his elbows on the mattress and just stared at me.
I could smell heron him and my eyes filled with tears. Whoever she was, she’d marked him with her scent. I wasn’t as na?ve as I’d been before. The signs were there. Mussed hair. Wrinkled shirt. Slightly swollen lips.
And, oh, it hurt.
I couldn’t look at him. Tucking my blanket under my arm, I rolled away. For what had to be at least a full minute, Jamie stayed still as a statue behind me. My room was silent except for the roaring in my ears. I wanted him to leave. My shoulders ached from the effort it took to keep from trembling as I cried silently into my pillow.
“Bales—” His fingers threaded through the ends of my hair, and I hated how much I wanted to turn around and bury my face into his shoulder. “Bales, you promised you wouldn’t hate me when this was over.”
I tried to hold back a sob and ended up choking on it. The resulting sound was pitiful even to my ears.
The problem was I never wanted it to be over.
“And you promised you wouldn’t hurt me,” I cried. “Go away, Jamie.” I gathered my strength and my hair, pulling it from his grasp as I sank deeper into my pillow and blanket and prayed he would leave.
He didn’t. At least, not right away. For several long minutes, Jamie stayed. I didn’t want to hear his excuses. I didn’t want any details. It was enough that he’d done what he did.
Saturday and Sunday,Dallin texted that he and Jamie were playing video games. The invitation was implied. There was no way that would happen, so I did the unthinkable and claimed to have girl issues. It was enough to keep Dallin from asking questions. Jamie didn’t even try to call or text. I’d seen him leave his house to watch game film and later for a party Saturday night. At least he was dressed for a party. I didn’t wait up to see what time he got home.
Monday, I sent Dallin a message thatI needed a ride to school, and when I crawled into the passenger’s seat, I remembered why I usually rode with Jamie.
“It stinks in here.” I grimaced, picking a smelly gym sock off the front seat and tossing it into the back. I should have thrown it in the dumpster.
“Yeah, sorry. I need to clean up,” Dallin replied in the offhand way he had that told me he would never clean his car.
“It smells like something died in here.” I rolled my window down even though it was only fifty degrees outside.
“There’s a take-out graveyard in the back.” Dallin gestured to the backseat with his thumb as he backed out of his driveway.
Afraid to look but beyond curious, I peeked into the backseat. A mountain of fast food wrappers rose from the floor to cover half the backseat. Cups with straws. Bags. There was even a half-eaten cheeseburger. And that was just the top layer. Who knew what lay beneath? If anyone were brave enough to open the door, they’d be buried under a takeout avalanche.
Well, I would have to fix it myself. There was no way I was riding to and from school with Jamie, the betrayer, and riding in Dallin’s germ-infested car without a hazmat suit was too dangerous. I knew what I’d be doing after practice today. I put a note in my phone to make Dallin stop by the convenience store for air fresheners to hang from his rear-view mirror.
“That’s just disgusting, Dal.” I leaned closer to the window even though it was freezing.
“Beggars can’t be choosers, Bales,” he replied with a grin as he cranked up the heater. Wasn’t that the truth.
JAMIE
It tookDallin four days of driving Bailey to and from school before he finally blew. I’d been expecting it and waited through the expletives, knowing there might be a few. I was right. Thank goodness, the locker room had mostly emptied because his voice echoed off the walls so loud I felt like I heard every word three or four times.
“Well?” He fisted his hands on his hips. At least, I think he did. I had my head down, my eyes trained on the grimy tile floor at my feet.
“Well, what?” I finally met his gaze when he kicked my foot none too gently. He was as mad as I’d ever seen him. It wasn’t like Dallin and I never scuffled. We did. But it was usually about stupid crap like Tom Brady or Peyton Manning (Peyton, by the way). Pizza or Chinese take-out (it just depended on my mood). It wasn’t often we challenged each other on choices we made as individuals. He was his own man, and so was I.
Except when it came to Bailey. I remembered one time we were all messing around in my basement. We were probably eleven or twelve, middle school age for sure. We were still young enough to wrestle around without paying attention to the same physical boundaries we did now that we were older. Dallin and I were being too rough, as usual, and I accidentally punched Bailey right in the face.
Dallin was on me so fast I never knew what hit me. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t meant to do it and that I apologized a hundred times after getting her an ice pack and some painkillers. Dallin was mad at me for days.
“What?” he shouted, bringing me back to the present. “What did you do to Bailey?” Dallin waited, fists ready, shoulders bunched, nose flaring. He was breathing so hard.
I sighed, thinking about the butt-kicking I was about to get, wondering briefly if Coach would suspend us for a whole game for fighting. Not that I would fight back. I knew I deserved anything Dallin dished out.
I stalled as Dallin’s knuckles grew whiter and whiter.
There was no hope for it.
“I kissed her.” Of course, that was the short version.
Dallin’s eyes narrowed as he considered my words. “You kissed her?”
I nodded.
The wheels turned in his head. I could almost see the steam radiating from his hair. He was working it out. I saw the exact moment he realized what I was saying.
“You NCMO-ed our best friend?” he bellowed just as his powerful fist met with my face.
But I felt like such a jerk, I didn’t even defend myself, and when Dallin’s fist cocked back for the second time, I lifted my chin and waited.
The hit never came.
It wasn’t like Dallin didn’t know me. The misery must have been plain on my face. He sank onto the bench across from me.
“What were you thinking?” Dallin’s expression accused me. I didn’t blame him.
I shrugged. “I guess I wasn’t.”
Dallin shook his head. “Not good enough.” His fists clenched on his knees. “Even you aren’t stupid enough to mess around with Bailey.” He jabbed a finger at my chest. “You like her.”
No. No. No.
I shook my head, denying his words. The action brought an ache to my body like a fever; my whole system repelled the lie.
Dallin sat back. “You mean to tell me you kissed Bailey, and it didn’t mean anything to you? She doesn’t?”
I scoffed. “Of course she does.” Of course, it did. That was the whole point. But I wouldn’t tell Dallin that.
Dallin studied me. I felt exposed like he examined my innermost thoughts and feelings through an x-ray machine.
“You’re scared. You like her, and it scares you.” He was so matter of fact.
I wanted to deny it,but I couldn’t. He was spot on. I held his gaze and said nothing.
A hint of a smirk curled his lips. “I kissed her, too, you know.”
What?
My stomach rolled. I swayed on the bench. The emotions were that strong.
Did Bailey kiss Dallin?Before she kissed me?
The whole thought process was ridiculous,and I knew it. Because deep down, I also knew if I had been Bailey’s first kiss, I would want to be her last.
Dallin laughed. Full-on belly laughed. Maybe I would punch him.
“Dude, you look like you’re going to hurl.” He laughed again.
“When?” I choked out.
“I knew you liked her.” He pointed at me again.
“When?” I asked again more firmly.
Dallin grinned. “A couple of years ago when you went to your grandma’s over Christmas.”
I remembered. As much as I loved my grandparents, I’d beenbored out of my mind. I remember being frustrated that Dallin and Bailey got to hang out for two weeks while I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with no friends and a houseful of adults.
And they’d been hooking up behind my back, I thought bitterly.
Once again, Dallin watched the thoughts move across my face and read them accurately. He shook his head. “It wasn’t like that, man.”
I sneered. “So, what was it like, man?” I recognized I didn’t have any right to feel so betrayed, but I couldn’t help it. They’d never told me.
Dallin shrugged. “I don’t know. We were hanging out a lot, and you weren’t around. It just sort of happened.”
That didn’t make me feel any better.
“It was like kissing my sister.” Dallinshuddered.
“You don’t have a sister,” I reminded him.
“No, I have Bailey, and she’s as close as I could possibly get.” His gaze narrowed again. “Besides, she’s always been yours.”
“No, she hasn’t.” I rejected his words verbally, but on the inside, something clicked into place.
Dallin gave into the urge to roll his eyes. “Dude, for such a smart guy, you’re an idiot.”
I shook my head. “We’re best friends. We’ve always been friends.” For the first time in my life, the idea ofjust being friends with Bailey hurt. It physically hurt.
“Keep telling yourself that, bro.” Dallin folded his arms over his chest. “But I know you would never kiss Bailey unless you loved her.”
Love?
Who said anything about love?
Panic filled my chest, choking me.
I mean, sure, I loved Bailey. Of course, I did. But I wasn’t in love with her. Was I?
“I’ve never even thought about her like that.”
“Bull crap.” Dallin wasn’t having it. “Maybe you didn’t useto think about her like that, but you can’t tell me you risked the friendship you two have for a one-and-done.”
Heat raced up my neck. “More like ten and done.”
Dallin’s eyes widened. “You’re freaking kidding me.”
I let my head fall into my hands. “I wish. I can’t believe you and Bailey kissed.”
Dallin punched my shoulder. Hard. “Don’t be such a hypocrite.”
Before I could think better of it, I confessed the worse sin. “I made out with Elise this weekend.”
I didn’t see the blow coming this time, although I should have.
“Ouch! Dallin!” I covered my throbbing eye with my hand.
Dallin stood above me, raging. “What the hell, man?”
He didn’t have to say anything else. I knew he was mad. I knew I’d put our friendship on the line just as I had with Bailey. Nothing either of us said would fix it. And it was my fault.
Without a word, Dallin collected his bag and headed for the exit. Bailey wouldn’t be waiting for him. She had a cross-country meet.
I called to him just before he moved out of earshot. “How come you still get to be friends even though you kissed her?” Why did they get to go back to the way things were before kissing?
Dallin paused, his look incredulous. “Because we didn’t mean it,” he responded and slammed the door shut behind him.
I dropped my head into my hands. Maybe he was right. It was like all the girls I kissed over the summer. I could be friends with any of them. I was friends with most of them. I could keep being friends with them even though we’d kissed.
I couldn’t do that with Bailey. Mostly because I still wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her all the time. Dallin was right. When I kissed Bailey, I meant it.
“Hey, there.”
I stopped outside the locker room to see Allie leaning against the wall like she’d been waiting for me. I supposed she heard the altercation between Dallin and me. The training room was next door, and any sound in the locker room seemed amplified.
“Hi, Allie.” I gave her a tight smile.
“I didn’t hear everything.”
I had to laugh. I should have been embarrassed that she’d heard our argument, but I wasn’t. Allie was a good friend.
“It’s okay. We weren’t being quiet.”
She had something to say to me. It was written all over her face.
“It’s okay. Lay it on me. I can take it.”
She grinned. “Come on. You can walk me to my car.” She tilted her head toward the student parking lot.
“Sure.” We headed toward her car. Allie didn’t say anything, but I felt like I could talk to her and found myself blurting out the first thing that came to mind.
“Bailey’s my best friend,” I offered, and Allie just listened. There were obvious similarities between Allie’s relationship with Connor and mine with Bailey. Allie and Connor had been friends for years before they finally realized they were in love. Connor had been a big player before settling down with Allie, and the two were going strong almost a year later.
“How did you get past the fear of losing your friendship with Connor to be with him?” I asked before I could change my mind.
Allie stopped. We’d reached her car. She dropped her backpack to the asphalt and faced me—a series of emotions passed over her face. I wondered if she remembered the night of the Homecoming Dance last year when I helped her run away from Connor because she saw him kissing Kayla, the she-witch. I’d been there for her that night and was hoping she’d somehow return the favor.
“I didn’t. I’m still not.” She told the truth. The pain of her confession resonated in her eyes. “The ball could drop any second, you know. Connor’s at State with thousands of college girls ready to fall at his feet. I see them every time I visit.” Allie cleared her throat and gave me a soft smile. It wasn’t easy for her to admit. “I have to trust him. Trust our love. And our friendship. Losing Connor would kill me, but never having had him would be way worse. I could never have survived not trying, knowing I’d been too afraid to tell him how I feel.” Her smile grew. “Eventually. It took me a while to get there.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. I got it. I did. I just wasn’t sure I was ready to be where Allie was. “Thanks, Allie.”
“Anytime, friend.” She reached for her backpack and opened her car door to fling it to the passenger seat. I started across the lot to my car.
“Hey, Jamie,” Allie called just before I got too far away to hear. I turned to see her jogging toward me.
“What’s up?”
“I just—” She stopped before me, her cheeks flushed. “It’s just that you were there for me when I needed you, and you said something the night of the dance last year that helped me more than you know.” I tried to remember our conversation that night but had no idea what she was talking about. “You said, Allie, if there was a girl in this world that looked at me the way you look at Connor, I’d never let anything stand in my way.” She bit her lip, unsure about what else to say. “Maybe that girl is right under your nose, and you aren’t giving her a chance. That’s all.”
I stood, frozen in place, as Allie hugged me around my middle. “Think about that, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then she left me there, reeling, as she jogged back to her car.