32. Nate
THIRTY-TWO
nate
I stared at Zoe’s text.
She was at KC’s for Wednesday night trivia. This obsession with some guy named Damon and his brother was something I couldn’t understand. I’d really have to talk to Owen about the themes for his trivia nights. Surely that many people couldn’t still love a show about vampires that Zoe admitted was pretty old by now. Sports trivia I could see. Or maybe even pop culture. But this one stumped me.
I was the ONLY ONE in the bar who knew the actor who played Mason Lockwood was engaged to Lady Gaga IRL!
I should text her back.
I wanted to text her back.
But instead, my hand stilled. I thought about the conversation at dinner earlier tonight, my entire family trying to help me figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with my life. How fucking embarrassing that I didn’t know already. Mom still pressed for college. Dad thought I should have gone to the bank. My brothers mostly stayed out of it while my sister sent links to interest inventories like I was a senior in high school.
Did Zoe really need this shit?
I dropped the phone to my bed. The same bed I slept in growing up. My room looked exactly like it had when I left home for what was supposed to be the next phase of my life. And it was for eight years. I was damn good at my job too.
But that phase was over. Just like that. One day, I had a purpose. And now I was lying in my childhood bedroom as confused as ever. Maybe I should have reenlisted.
My phone buzzed.
Nate?
It was Lucas. Instead of texting him back, I called.
He answered on the second ring. “Hey, what’s up, buddy? Charlee told me about your meeting with the bank. How’d that go?”
Fuck, this was hard to admit.
“I never went.”
“Why the hell not?”
“I dunno. A restaurant? Not sure that’s my thing.”
“So what are ya calling about, really?”
When your life is dependent on someone, you tend to get real close, real quick. Lucas knew me as well as anyone, better than most. I should have talked to him weeks ago.
“I’m struggling with this,” I said.
I didn’t need to define “this.” Lucas knew exactly what I was talking about. Some people reintegrated no problem. Lucas was apparently one of them, aside from some residual resentment about how he left. But me? Not so much.
“Understandable. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Nate. You were fucking ambushed and shot. If you came back to New York like it was nothing, I’d have been surprised.”
“I tried,” I said.
“I know you did. But you don’t have to do it alone. You know that, you crazy motherfucker.”
“I honestly think if I had something like you did, a purpose back here, it would be a different story.”
“How about Zoe?”
I sighed. “Part of the problem. She’s so goddamn perfect. Everything a guy could want in a woman. She doesn’t need to be babysitting my ass while I try to figure out what the hell I want to do for the rest of my life.”
“I’m pretty sure she’d see it a bit differently than that.”
“Maybe.”
“Definitely.”
“Either way, you have support. You know where. And who.”
“I do.”
“Why don’t you come back here? Stay with me. Zoe will be thrilled to have you back.”
“That was the plan. . .”
“Was?”
I couldn’t say it out loud. That maybe Zoe deserved better.
“We’ll see. I’ll probably stay the week here at least.”
Lucas was quiet. And then added, “Whatever you think. Maybe reach out to someone in the meantime.”
“I just did.”
Lucas laughed. “Someone who knows a little more than me about this shit. All I know is that I came back, opened my shop, got reacquainted with Charlee, and the pieces fell into place. I don’t know how or why, but they just did. I don’t have a clue how to help you reintegrate after what you went through, but there are people who do.”
A therapist. My father would laugh me out of the house. Yet, these were different times, and I knew before even calling Lucas it was an option. Probably a decent option.
“I hear ya.”
“In the meantime, don’t leave Zoe hanging. She’s crazy about you.”
I was crazy about her too. But I’d shared enough for one night. “Gotcha.”
“As for the job, it’ll come to you. I don’t doubt it. You’re welcome to work part-time at the shop.”
It wasn’t the first time he’d made the offer, but tattooing wasn’t my thing either.
“Thanks, Lucas. I’m gonna hit the sack.”
“Don’t be a stranger.”
“I won’t.”
Hanging up, I picked my phone back up. Stared at Zoe’s text. It would be the easiest thing in the world to make a joke back. Ask who the hell Tyler Lockwood was. Or if I really wanted to make her laugh, Lady Gaga. I could lure her into the ladies’ room. Say any number of things.
And then what?
She’d want to know when I was coming back. Where I was staying. What was next. And the truth was, I didn’t know the answers to any of those questions. I loved her, that I didn’t doubt. But love wasn’t going to pull my weight in Zoe’s well-ordered life. I needed a plan.
And so instead of any of that, I simply replied, “Have fun. Off to bed.”
Then I turned off my ringer and the lamp and went to sleep.