13. Alyssa
ALYSSA
My mind feels numb.
Every now and then, on the journey back to Jack's house, I try to think of a sentence to say, something to break the awkward silence that settled between us.
But I can't even think.
I keep picturing that old house and Toby, my father, glaring at me through the dirty glass.
There was that briefest moment of recognition and realization in his eyes, before it was quickly replaced with that soulless, hateful stare. It as like my very existence was offensive to him.
Burden. The word echoes between my ears. That's what I always was.
It used to make me feel ashamed, but now? Now I just think I feel angry.
I’m going to become a mom very soon. And I’d never dream of abandoning my own child. How could he do this?
"You okay?" Jack says quietly.
"No," I reply honestly. “Definitely not okay. But…I will be.”
“That guy’s an asshole," Jack says. “He’s not even worth thinking about, Alyssa.”
I nod. I don't disagree. But his words only serve to make me angrier.
"What are you thinking about?” Jack asks me.
"I'm thinking that I'd like to light Toby’s stupid house on fire and watch it burn to ash with him still in it," I seethe, staring through the windshield.
"Whoa!” Jack says.
“Sorry. Too dark?”
"No such thing as too dark with me," Jack says.
"You're not going to scare a guy like me off with fantasies of wanting to burn down the house of an asshole like him.
Hell, you're probably not the only person in Wildwood who feels that way. Adam would probably help you hide the evidence in exchange for the privilege of lighting the matches.”
"Toby must have really burned a lot of bridges when he moved here," I comment.
“Oh yeah. But don’t worry. I don't think he'll last much longer in this town," Jack growls.
"Why do you say that?" I ask curiously.
He shrugs.
"Just…have a feeling," he mutters.
He looks over at me after a while.
"So…that's it?”
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"You came into town to meet your dad," he says. "You met him. You learned he's an asshole. That's it? You're leaving Wildwood?”
"My flight isn't until Wednesday," I say. "But I'm going to see if I can move it up. Maybe catch something out of here tomorrow."
He doesn't reply.
We ascend further into the mountain, and soon his cabin comes into view.
There's an unsettling silence between us, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
"Look," I say when he comes to a stop and cuts the engine. "I'm going to give the inn a call, see if they have any openings. If not, I might see if I can find a hotel room in the next town over. I don't want to be a burden on you. I know you weren't expecting to have a guest."
He turns to me.
"Alyssa, it's fine," he says firmly. "I want you here. You don't need to go back to the inn or to some sketchy motel in the next town over. I've got plenty of space here. You're not a burden. Far from it."
Those words are all I've ever wanted to hear from anybody.
My mother.
My father.
A man.
A friend.
But even though he's saying the exact thing that I need him to say, it just doesn't feel right. Maybe there's something inside of me that won't accept it, won't let the words sink in and fully saturate my brain, healing the thing that broke inside of my heart.
It just feels like it couldn't possibly be true.
We had a single, meaningless hookup. Now I'm pregnant.
He wouldn't want me if he knew everything, I think. He doesn’t know what kind of burden you truly are, yet. Once he knows…it’s over.
Jack’s large hand finds my chin, lifting my tearful gaze up to him.
“Look, honey,” he says quietly. “I know you’re upset. But I'm not going to let you leave town until we have a talk about my baby that’s currently growing in your belly.”