Chapter 43
Nadia
It was right about now I began to question my life decisions.
The pump began to tick faster and faster and with it went my heart rate. Riley and her team were now seated behind a glass wall, watching us and an array of monitors, but my view of them was blocked by Ethan and Tex as they moved closer.
“How we doing, Nadia?” Tex asked.
“I’m OK.”
The answer, the furtive smile, were an automatic response, because whatever was happening to my body was about to make a liar out of me. Something that felt like a period cramp on steroids had my hand slapping down over my stomach, but that wasn’t where the pain was coming from.
“You don’t look OK.”
Ethan was all concern, moving closer to place one hand on my shoulder, the other covering my hand.
“No, I’m…”
There was no room to protest, not when this sensation smashed into me. Pain, pure, unadulterated pain had my eyes falling closed because I could only focus on one thing, and this was it. My breath came in faster and faster pants, right before a strangled moan was dragged out of me.
That had my eyelids flicking open.
Making a fuss, that’s what Mum would’ve called this, so I found my lips pressing together, trying to stop any further sounds from escaping. I’d asked for this.
“I’m fine,” I said and for a moment, that was true. The pain was like a wave and now it was retreating, leaving me swaying on my feet. “It’s just… Ahh!”
Ethan didn’t tell me about this. That it felt like whatever the hell was inside me was trying to claw its way out. Tearing muscles, slicing through essential organs as I pitched forward, my hands slapping down on the floor. Head hanging, I fought to take another breath.
“Is it happening?” Tex crouched down beside me, staring wide eyed.
As his hand went to rub my back, my whole body spasmed.
It was like I’d lost all control of it, every muscle twitching, shaking, and I was just along with the ride.
“Fuck, Nadia. Nadia!” His hands hovered uselessly in the air and for some reason that had my lips peeling back in a snarl. “I’m getting Riley.”
“Running away as soon as it gets tough.”
That wasn’t my voice, but the words came from my mouth in a low growl, but I was the one forced to watch Tex flinch as if in pain.
“Shit, I didn’t mean that,” I panted. “It’s just… It’s just…”
Whatever the hell this was, I didn’t get a chance to describe it. More pain than I’ve ever felt smashed through me, breaking down every barrier, every boundary so that my head was forced backwards as I let out a piercing scream.
“Can we give her some fucking pain relief?” Ethan marched over to the glass wall, staring Riley down. “Something to take the edge off, at least?”
“Oh, now you care?”
What the fuck was that? My voice was deeper, a low snarl as my head turned of its own accord, slowly staring him down.
“No, that’s not—” I stammered out.
“Nadia.”
As Ethan fell backwards, milk pale, Grey appeared in the door. He strode across the floor, dropping to his knees before me.
“So now you bother to turn up?”
When I was a kid, my teenage cousins babysat me one night and let me watch a horror movie where characters were possessed by the Devil.
That’s what this felt like now. As if I was sitting in some small space in the back of my head, watching everything that was going on like it was happening to someone else.
But it was no demonic entity that was taking over my body, but her.
Grey went very still, so I caught the moment when his eyes bled to perfect silver.
“I came as soon as Tex messaged me.”
“I know.” The words came out almost as a sob.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being like this.
It’s just… ahhh!” My arms shot out straight in front of me, my fingers spasming into claws.
The pain that came with that took my breath away.
All I could manage was a thin whine that felt like it went on and on, until finally it trailed away.
“I’m being such a fucking bitch,” I gasped, feeling the need to collapse, but unable to. I wasn’t in control.
She was.
“Be a fucking bitch,” Grey said.
“What the freaking hell, Grey?” Ethan hissed, but the other man just smiled at me in a way that was all too familiar.
If every shadow in the room moved of its own accord, winding its way around Grey’s form, I wouldn’t have been surprised.
He held my gaze as I panted faster and faster, knowing what was coming and sure enough, another strangled cry was forced out of me as one shoulder was jerked sideways, then the other.
The joint instantly protested as it twisted in ways it never had before.
No more screams were possible in the face of agony.
It felt like the wolf and I were in a fight to the death and she was winning.
“Say it.” Grey moved closer with the fluid grace of a big cat. “Say whatever the hell you’re thinking.”
“So you’ve got an excuse to run again?”
Mentally, I pleaded with him to understand, that this wasn’t me. Everyone had apologised. We’d moved past this. Instead, Grey just smiled.
“Not running anywhere, except after you,” he told me, crossing his arms. “So don’t hold back on my account.”
“What the fuck are you doing?” Tex came to stand between us, blocking my view of Grey. “We talked about this.”
“Did we?” Grey shook his head. “Or were brief explanations shared and then everyone moved on really fucking fast, because this is the thing.” He ducked around Tex to stand before me again.
“I couldn’t work out how the hell someone like me could be Nadia’s mate, but now it makes sense.
All your childhood, you were silenced by your family.
” I froze to the spot, every muscle quivering, the pain easing for now.
“Never allowed to ask for what you wanted, what you needed.” He stared at me, unblinking.
“Never expressing how you feel.” Crouching down in front of me, our heads were level now.
“Growing up the way I did, I’ve heard every shitty thing a person can say to another.
” His wry smile had me frowning. “You don’t have to self-censor yourself with me. ”
“You… You want me to hurt you?” I asked, feeling something shift, elongate inside me.
“Not on purpose,” he said, his hands sliding through my hair. “Not for fun, but if I’ve fucked up, I want you to know you can tell me exactly how I made you feel.”
“That’s the thing blocking you.”
Ethan dropped to his knees beside me like a man facing down a firing squad, then Tex drew nearer.
“What?”
“We hurt you,” Ethan said.
My eyes were everywhere, flicking from one to the other of them before moving to the next. Every muscle tightened, shaking now with the effort of staying where I was as they all drew closer.
“But no one meant—” Tex started to say.
“How did it feel?” It wasn’t Grey before me now, but that dark figure from my dreams. His head tilted on a strange angle as he stared me down.
“Waking up to discover that the only person that stuck with you through your first attempted shift was the man that wasn’t honest about the way he felt about you. ”
“Guys, Nadia’s heart and respiration rate are spiking.” Riley’s voice came through the speakers. “If she can’t shift soon, we’re going to need to pause things and try again another day.”
“How did it feel?” Grey said, pushing forward.
A spasm wracked my body, curling my fingers into my palms. Muscles twitched and white fur rippled down my arms.
“How did it feel?” My voice, her voice, fused together now.
“The same as it always does. That when the chips are down, I’m always alone.
That you’re happy to stick around when things are fun, sexy, easy, but as soon as it gets hard…
” My lips peeled back to reveal my fangs.
“You’ll run. The only person I can rely on is me. ”
“No,” Tex said, his hands lifting to reach for me, then falling by his sides.
“That the only person who can meet my needs is me.”
Ethan nodded slowly, the pain in his eyes almost hurting more than what was happening to me physically.
“That you say I’m your fated mate…” My tongue felt too big for my mouth, but I swallowed hard, then forged on.
“But when I really needed you, you weren’t there.
” When my voice cracked, something else broke inside me.
My heart, I thought initially, as my eyes began to burn with unshed tears, but it was more than that.
“I used to read all these alpha and omega romances,” I said with a snort.
“The fantasy of a woman mentioning she needs something and three or more men being ready to burn down the world to get it for her was so seductive.”
“And how does it feel to be confronted with the reality?” Grey’s tone softened a little. “That we’re just as flawed—”
“Clueless,” Tex said with a twist of his lips.
“And really shit at communicating,” Ethan added.
“Just like any other man,” Grey said finally.
“It…” My breath was coming in faster and faster now. “I fucking hate it.” It felt like I was teetering on the edge of something, but what was it? “How do I know you won’t pull this shit again? How do I know you’ll be there for me if I really need you?”
“Guys—” Riley’s voice crackled through the speakers.
“Just wait for a sec,” another male voice said.
“What if I end up mated to you for life and…?” Tears rolled down my cheek, burning like acid the entire way. “And its more of the same shit. Being taken for granted, ignored, disregarded.”
“We—” Tex started to say, but Grey held up a hand.
“And how does that make you feel?”
He kept saying those damn words, which had my nails digging into the floor as a growl built in my chest.
“Alone.” I bit off that word. “Resigned. Pissed off.”
“There’s something else,” he said, glancing down at my arms. “I know there is, because it’s holding back your wolf even now.”
“What do you want me to say?” I snapped, my voice echoing around the room. “Tell me and I’ll say it.”
Muscles quivered, a now familiar twitching beginning again.
“The truth.” Grey slid in close, his arms going around me, and he held me through every tremor. “Trust me when I say, I can take it. Stop carrying this shit and give it to me. Give it to me, Nadia.”
There was a part of therapy I sucked at and it was when the therapist placed a chair in front of me and asked me to talk to it like it was my dad. She explained why it could be helpful, that I could achieve a feeling of catharsis, without the risk of actually facing the man in person.
It just made me feel dumb.
The chair was a chair and attempting to tell it off just felt hopelessly awkward. My therapist said it was because I struggled to access my emotions. That I liked to talk around them, not actually experience them.
Perhaps she’d be proud of the breakthrough I had now.
“How do I feel…?” I whispered that over and over like a mantra, eyes flicking back and forth as something rose.
It came, kicking and screaming, rising up from the depths of me, no longer willing to be denied.
Falling back on my heels, I stared at Grey, at all of them.
“I’m scared. Scared that no one is ever going to see me, love me, care for me just as I am and that I’m going to have to stuff down every part of me that isn’t palatable for the rest of my life. ”
They had a whole lot to say about that, but their voices were replaced by a high-pitched whine.
The sound of shouts, of machines going ping, were pushed aside by this.
A roar that came from the depths of me, my scream filling every part of the room.
My body moved as if it had always known what to do, snapping, breaking into a million little pieces.
Only to be remade as this.
Taking fur was awesome because everything was simple. A glance down at my paws, then at the men that sat there staring, before I let out a bark of challenge. Trotting over to the door, I went up on my back paws, pressing down the lever and then taking off down the hall.
Because I knew where I wanted to be and it wasn’t here.
“Nadia!” A glance over my shoulder showed me that Riley and her crew had followed me out, but they weren’t the only ones. A massive grey wolf, a silver one, and then a very familiar black wolf came running up behind me.
Which meant I needed to take off.
Slamming my paws into a fire door, I took the steps two, three at a time, my haunches bunching, getting faster and faster until I burst out onto the ground floor.
The city stank. Smoke, exhaust fumes, and rotting rubbish assaulted my far more sensitive nose, forcing me on.
Then there was the sound of three wolf howls.
Spinning around, my jaws fell open, panting lightly as I saw my mates standing at the base of the massive building.
I knew what they wanted on a cellular level, but their howls made it clear.
Our human selves might argue, counter and compromise, but our wolves? They thought I belonged to them.
And I was certain they needed to prove themselves worthy.
I took off a dead sprint, some internal compass telling me where I needed to go.
Down darkened streets, past buildings, and across quiet roads, running and running until the skyscrapers of the city centre gave away to houses.
On I pushed, through the suburbs and beyond, then as the houses grew more sparse and were replaced by blocks of farm land, I came to a stop here.
The moon was high in the sky, full and silvery, just like Grey’s eyes had been.
As if summoned by that thought, three dark shapes appeared on the hill beside me.
My wolf’s feet danced across the grass, torn between the desire to run or fight. We were strong, I could feel that, stronger than I’d ever be in skin. Could we hold off all three of them? She was willing to try. No male would ever get within ten feet of her if he was not worthy.
Which was perhaps why the three of them came back to skin.
“Beautiful girl,” Tex said in a low croon, his eyes shining in the darkness as he padded forward.
“The most perfect wolf,” Ethan said. “Nadia, you glow like a star.”
“Our star.” Grey’s growl made clear he wasn’t the only one talking to me right now. The black wolf rode him hard, as evidenced by the way his lean form bulked out. “You’ve led us on a merry chase, forced us to prove we’ll run towards you, not away. How about you let the woman come forward now.”
I’d been subconsciously fighting my wolf the entire time, I realised, because right now her consciousness and mine was perfectly fused together.
She would run and keep on running if these males weren’t good enough.
The wolf would fight for me with everything she had and that assurance was enough to let out a slow breath, then feel fur melt away, leaving just me, naked and cool as the night air played across my skin.
“Well,” I said. “I’m here. Now, what’re you going to do with me?”