Chapter 42
Nadia
My toxic trait was I always needed to know what the worst possible scenario was.
I’d look up airplane crash statistics when travelling or read all the negative reviews of a new restaurant we were going to.
I’d read scientific articles until my eyes bled during the heights of COVID.
It was like if I knew what could happen if literally everything went wrong, then I was allowed to be pleasantly surprised when things worked out well.
Maybe that’s why I followed Ethan into this empty examination room.
“You sure you want to do this?” he asked me one last time.
I answered with a quick nod.
“Maybe if I see it…” That restless feeling increased inside me, forcing my voice to trail away, but I squared my shoulders and held my ground. “Then I can work out what the hell I’m doing wrong.”
“Nothing.” Tex came to stand beside me and his steady gaze was like the warm sun on my skin. “Shifting is harder for some than it is for others, but you’ll get there.”
“And I’m going to show you how.”
Ethan stripped off in a series of quick, economical movements, and that was an interesting experience. Every other time it was a prelude to pleasure, so my body was primed to respond that way. A flush of heat washed through me as I took in his broad shoulders, the muscles of his abdomen flexing.
Because that was all mine.
Mine to touch, mine to trace the channels between each ab, following the trail of dark blond hair down. My mate, I thought, feeling something clench deep inside me.
Something the two of them noticed.
Ethan froze, then turned my way, that crooked smile back. An eyebrow rose, right as his thumbs shoved his shorts and underwear down. I took my fill, noting the way a vein wound down his hip, then looked up to meet his gaze.
“Well, if I was worried about making a poor showing naked, I’m not now.
” With a grin, he pushed down on the cock that was starting to swell with the heel of his palm.
“But that’s not why we’re here.” Suddenly serious, he threw himself down on his hands and knees.
Fingers dug into the lino floor as he nodded to himself.
“The first thing I do is take a few deep breaths, bring my focus back to the room, to my body. Feel the cold air, hear the whirr of the aircon going.” At his words, I noticed everything he mentioned.
“Then I narrow my focus down to my body. Feel the tension in my limbs, the press of the floor into my knees, my palms, but I have to go deeper than that.”
His breath was coming in faster, deeper, filling in the quiet.
“I have…” His voice was deepening, growing more hoarse and at that, his eyes bled from silver to blue. “I have to connect with him.”
For a moment, I thought this was going to be simple. Silvery grey fur appeared, partially obscuring all that golden brown skin. His chest expanded, air being sucked in.
“That’s not easy.”
When his eyes fell closed, when I saw his lips twist in an expression of pain, I dropped down in front of him.
“You don’t have to do this,” I said, even though we’d agreed Ethan would. “I don’t…”
Silver eyes met mine as his mouth fell open. Muscles twitched, but he nodded slowly.
“Yes, I do. He wants to meet you.” When I reached out to touch his face, his cheek was pressed into my palm. “Has since the moment we met, I think, I was just too fucking dumb to see it.”
Whatever discussion we might want to have was cut off by a groan of pain.
It was now I questioned the wisdom of my decision.
“Ethan…” My hands moved everywhere, as if I could stroke this away, but no such luck. “Ethan.”
“It’s OK.” Tex dropped down beside me. “He’s OK.”
How the fuck could he say that? Didn’t he see the way Ethan’s muscles twitched faster and faster, until his whole body was shaking?
Then there was the first snapping sound as his torso twisted.
A scream rose in my chest, frozen halfway up, ready to choke off all air as he was wrenched back the other way.
“Fuuuck!”
Claws sprang out of fingertips and raked across the floor, digging furrows in the lino as he jerked backwards. Ribs broke, muscles moved and his scream was a wet sound, gurgling in a throat that was transforming. His head was thrown back, his weight on his heels as he howled his pain.
“No…” I shook my head. “No, I take it back. Don’t do this. Ethan…” Arms went around me, comforting me, as a hand brushed away my tears, but I wasn’t the one hurting. Caged in Tex’s embrace, my hand shot out, clawing at the air, trying to get closer to Ethan. “No!”
My shout had my mate’s head snapping down. That beautiful face was transforming before me, right as his hand slapped down on mine.
“You don’t have to.” That came out as more sob than anything. “You don’t have to do this.”
Because I was really fucking wrong. This was not what I wanted, needed, but I was gonna get it anyway.
“Yeah, you do.”
His voice was destroyed, a guttural sound like nails raked across my skin as his hand gripped mine tight, and then it happened. It was like one big exhale and all that was Ethan was replaced by a beautiful silver-grey wolf.
“Oh my…” My hand went to my mouth as I struggled to take him in, but the wolf wasn’t having any of that. A wag of his tail and he was shoving his head into my shoulder, snuffling, right before my arms went around him. “Your fur is so soft.”
I sank my fingers into it, rubbing my face in his ruff and breathing in that sandalwoody scent that was all Ethan. A great big lick on the side of my face had me falling back.
“OK, doggy kisses have an entirely different vibe when I’ve made out with your human form, so no more of that, OK?” The wolf sat down on his haunches, then whined before pawing at my hand. “Well, maybe a few after what you’ve gone through.”
“But it was worth it, right?” Tex sat down beside me.
“Honestly, that was one of his easier shifts.” The wolf seemed to feel left out, so he flopped onto the floor, his head landing in my lap.
What could I do but caress all that thick fur, tracing the long shape of Ethan-wolf’s skull?
“I think you might have something to do with that.”
“Is that how it works?” I shifted on the floor, thinking I still needed to get comfortable, but it was something else. A whole other part of me was surfacing, pushing forward to peer out at Ethan’s wolf. “We can help each other shift?”
“I’m not sure.” Tex smiled as he shrugged. “Packs are fated to be together. Maybe for us, this is why.”
For several minutes, there was only the feel of Ethan’s fur, his nose insistently pushing into my hand every time I stopped, but it was the steady tick of the pump at my side that caught my attention.
“Then I need to try,” I said. “I’ll talk to Riley, see if we can up the hormone levels.”
Tex’s smile faded.
“You’re sure?”
Before I could answer, Ethan wolf’s eyes rolled up and stared at me as he let out a little whine.
“No.” With a smile, I gave the wolf another pat.
“But they say sometimes you’ve got to wait until the pain of staying where you are is worse than the pain of changing.
” With a blink, I felt the tears that had remained unshed fall free, landing in all that thick fur. “I think I’m ready to make a change.”
“Good.” Changing back wasn’t anywhere near as hard for Ethan, because suddenly there was a very tired, very naked man lying with his head in my lap. “Because I don’t think I’ve got another shift in me.”
“You didn’t…” My hand hovered, then I stroked his face just like I had his furry counterpart. “I’m not sure if I want to see you go through that much pain ever again.”
“Worth it.” His eyes fell closed. “But I might need to pop a couple of ibuprofen and have a little lie down now.”
“You do that,” Tex said, “while I take our mate to see Riley.”
In the end, Ethan decided to hold off resting until after I met with the scientist. She looked up when I walked in the door, then smiled.
“This is the face of a woman who’s made a major life decision.”
I sat down and nodded.
“I want to shift,” I said. “The hormones, how much higher can we safely go?”
“Let’s take a look at your levels,” she replied, turning back to her screen, “and find out.”