Chapter 22
Isat there shaking in Bryan’s arms, perched on his countertop, every inch of me begging to drag him to bed. “Don’t hide from us. If you think concealing your scent is doing some kind of service, you’re wrong. It’s torture.”
Bryan’s brown eyes met mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—I thought it was helpful.”
“It’s not. It’s like you’re both here and not, hiding from me, rejecting me…”
“No, I’m not, I—fuck. I swear, I wasn’t doing it to hurt you.”
“I know.”
He brushed his lips over mine, light and sweet, breathing me in.
“I can’t help how my instincts make me feel,” I told him. “They didn’t develop during a time where scent blockers existed, so it’s like you’ve vanished on that level.”
He kissed me again, firmer this time, like he was trying to apologize by pouring all of his regret into the action. I nudged him away so our foreheads met again. He wasn’t ready, and I wouldn’t let him push past his own boundaries to placate omega instincts he wasn’t responsible for.
“You don’t have to be with me,” I clarified.
“I want you to, but all I really need is for you to stop hiding. You don’t have to give pack life a chance, but you can’t isolate yourself out here because you feel guilty, or unworthy, or any of the other bullshit that’s been shoved down your throat by the garbage humans from your past. You and Maisie deserve a chance at happiness.
Don’t let people who couldn’t care less dictate who you get to be and what kind of life you get to have. ”
Bryan groaned, planting his hands on the counter next to each of my hips. “I’ll go off the blockers. I don’t want to upset you because I’m insecure, and I wouldn’t have gone on them to begin with if I had known. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t know.” I pulled him into a hug.
“I know you’re struggling, and with legitimate things.
You should absolutely take your time. It’s just that sometimes it feels like you got slapped for reaching into the cookie jar and now even when someone offers you a plate of them, you’re afraid they’re going to smash it over your head. ”
He let out a bitter laugh. “That’s not inaccurate. I got so used to being told what to do, to falling into line, and now there’s no line, so I keep trying to make one up so I have something to follow.”
I understood that. Everyone craved some sort of reliability and structure from the world. It really only became a problem when it turned into something self-limiting.
“To be honest,” he said carefully, “having the children here, following their schedule, is the first time in too long I felt like I have a real purpose.”
I smiled at that, leaning back so I could see his face. “Maybe you were meant for fatherhood rather than the corporate grind.”
“Seems like a possibility,” Bryan agreed. “That’s even more terrifying than having a scent-matched omega. There are too many ways to fuck up when raising children.”
“That’s why we just do our best.”
“But what if my best isn’t good enough?”
My poor alpha. I didn’t know how to convince him that he was doing fine.
No one expected a magical overnight transformation out of him, and children needed stability more than anything else.
A little patience went a long way with kids, and as long as you’re providing for their basic needs and loving them along the way, it was harder to go wrong.
“We’re all learning. Things take time, but Nora already seems like a pretty big fan of yours. You’re not doing this by yourself, and their mom is right there if you have questions.”
He sighed, laying his hands on my hips. “You’re right, I know you are. I wish I could shut up the little voice in my head that tells me I’m going to burn it all down by accident.”
“One day you’re going to believe me that you belong here,” I insisted. “Maybe it’ll be quiet then.”
“I can always hope.” He tilted his head, gaze darting across my face. “How are we moving forward? What are the rules?”
“Rules for what?”
“Us? The pack? Maisie?”
“Oh, there’s not much for rules. You approach any relationship you want at your own pace. Things developed independently for me with Wyatt and Colt, until it hit a point where everything came together. You can be with as many or as few as you’re comfortable with.”
“Is Maisie with anyone?”
“Only me right now. We haven’t talked about more with anyone else. Do you want to be with her?”
He closed his eyes, curling into himself.
“Bryan, it’s okay if you do,” I promised. “I’m not jealous when it comes to my pack. You’ve both been through a lot. If it feels easier with her, there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Nothing feels easy,” he said with another bitter laugh. “The second I let go and reach for what I want, the thought spiral takes off.”
I considered for a moment how best to help him. “Maisie said when she’s with me it turns down the volume on her bond with her abuser. Maybe it’s an omega thing, but it doesn’t hurt to try.”
Bryan’s gaze locked on mine, halting my breath in my throat and sending a ripple of anticipation through me.
“When I’m with you, it won’t be because I’m trying to shut up my own head.
I don’t know a lot, but I know you deserve more than that.
When I give in, I want you to know it’s because I couldn’t stand existing another second without my hands on you. ”
He caught my whimper with his mouth, descending again. Curls of desire teased me, the second whimper a pitiful begging to take things further, but he only pulled away again. I bit down on my whine of protest.
“I won’t take my blockers tonight,” he told me between panting. “I do want you, no matter what the voice says, but now that I know how the blockers made you feel, I can’t go forward until they’re out of my system. I’m not letting your first experiences with me be with a phantom mate.”
That was sweet, I could acknowledge that much, even if it made me all the more impatient.
He huffed a laugh, burying his face against my throat to speak against my skin. “Except our first kiss, but only because I couldn’t help myself. And our second. I might be a little weak for you.”
Each syllable was whispered devotion brushing over me. “Could’ve fooled me, but I’m glad to know it.”
I shivered at the press of his lips on my throat. My whole body was taut and primed, waiting for him to be a little weaker and break his own rule.
“Only because you couldn’t see into my head,” he confessed, “or hear me when I showered. You’d have had no doubt, then.”
“You don’t have to seduce me,” I said with a nervous laugh, waging a war against my own desire. “I’m already a done deal.”
Bryan purred, standing up again, but not before planting a kiss on my forehead. “But I want to. I won’t make either of us wait for long.”
“Promise?”
“You’re a very tempting ego boost. Did you know that?”
“I might’ve had an inkling. Colt and Wyatt weren’t prepared for when they broke me out of my shy book nerd shell. I’m curious what we’ll find in each other.”
The heat in his eyes felt like I was being swallowed whole. Wyatt and Colt could give any bucking bronc a run for their money in the bedroom, but Bryan had a dangerous glint in his eye that fueled my curiosity to a reckless level.
Movement outside the window caught my attention, Colt and Cody walking by on Sunny.
“I should go check on all the kids. Do you want to come with me or stay in here?”
“I’ll come by in a bit.”
I nodded, regretfully sliding off the counter
Outside, Wyatt was holding onto Nora while she was on our pony, Paisley helpfully walking Merri with her other hand in Maisie’s.
Tango and Foxtrot kept watch over everyone.
Whiskey almost bowled me over, sprinting out of the stable to greet the other dogs.
I turned to see Cody running after him, which meant Colt was taking care of Sunny.
Cody was talking his mother’s ear off about his ride with Colt when I got close enough to discern what they were saying. They were all so sweet looking, as if they had been family for years instead of a few days.
Maisie’s smile was bright and beautiful when she noticed me. Hopefully that meant all the incorrect notions she had been carrying around have been successfully tossed aside. My thinking might be a little too wishful to contemplate her asking us to get her through her heat.
When we went to dinner, I would tell my parents Maisie was my scent match, which, to them, meant she was even more family than she already had been.
They would watch the kids during her heat so she had nothing to worry about, and if we could get on the same heat schedule that’d be easier to plan around.
Plus, if Bryan was on board, the pack would be able to handle a double heat. In theory, anyway.
The suppressant Riley provided would give us extra time, but not an infinite amount, and it also gave Riley less control over her own heat. It was too bad suppressants weren’t over-the-counter the way blockers were. That would’ve made everything so much easier.
“Hey there, pony princesses,” I greeted Paisley and Nora, then turned to Cody. “Sounds like you had fun out with Colt.”
He grinned that adorable wide smile so many little kids had. “Sunny was great. He’s friends with one of the little bison!”
Colt was already on his way over to us, stopping with our group, and looping his arm over my shoulders. “Is anyone ready for a hot chocolate warm-up?”
“Me, me, me!” Paisley’s hand shot in the air, abandoning Merri’s reins.
Colt leaned down to kiss my temple before lifting Paisley up. “Let’s go get ready then. You can pour the powder for everyone.”
Bryan joined us as we made our way inside, Wyatt diverting to the stable to remove Merri’s tack. I couldn’t quite contain my preening when Bryan took my hand for the short walk and held the door open for everyone to go in.
While Colt and Paisley handled the hot chocolate, Bryan got a fire going.
Maisie and I got everyone’s winter gear off and made sure all the children washed their hands, then I kneeled next to Bryan where he was stacking wood.
It was one task he hadn’t needed a video for because Wyatt had taught him, so he’d picked it up fast.
“I found some science videos for the kids,” Bryan told me as he stuck a lit match to the crumpled newspaper kindling in the fireplace. “I never would’ve figured myself to be a teacher, but I’m having more fun than I expected.”
“I can see that. Purpose looks good on you.”
Nora came toddling over, flopping against Bryan, then crawling onto his lap to warm her chilly pink cheeks next to the now-flickering fire. She tilted her head peering up at him. “By-an kitty?”
He laughed, settling more comfortably, wrapping one of his arms around her, and using the other to hold me at his side before he got his purr rumbling.
The little girl looked absolutely content and Bryan in dad mode was beyond the realms of adorable.
I already had no defense against him, and this was going to make it ten times worse.
Maisie came to kneel next to us, kissing my cheek before holding a sippy cup out to Nora. “We call this creation lukewarm hot chocolate.”
A good thing too, because Nora sucked it back like she was dying of thirst. I laughed when she held out some of the last dregs. “Caw-toe have some?”
Well, fuck me sideways, if that wasn’t the cutest way someone had ever said my name.
“Carter will have his own cup, baby, but you’re very generous wanting to share,” Maisie told her.
She didn’t seem to like that answer so I pretended to take a drink, slurping sounds included until she was smiling, all her tiny teeth on display.
I took the few moments of peace before the chaos of lessons would begin.
Bryan held me, and I held Maisie, a chain of affection capped off by Nora.
Every time I got a glance of how this family was blending into ours it took my breath away.
It was so much like a dream I wondered if it might all disappear while I was blinking.
But there they were, each time I opened my eyes again.
With a little luck, this was the perfect taste of our eventual forever.