Chapter 19
Andi
My hands tentatively wrap around Leo’s slim torso. There’s something so soothing about his mild beta scent. I never have time these days to pick up a book and read, but his warm paper scent makes me want to.
The longer I stay in his arms, matching his breathing, the less I feel like my heart is going to pound its way out of my chest.
Is it because he’s a beta?
The alphas—well, I guess technically alpha, since Ezra was my first and only real boyfriend—I’ve been around never make me feel like this.
Or is it just him?
That thought leaves a bitter taste at the back of my throat.
Traditionally, nothing serious can ever really happen between a beta and an omega.
The omega will have to be on heat suppressants for the rest of her life.
Even though sex toy companies are coming up with new knotted products left and right, it doesn’t change the fact that beta pheromones aren’t the same as alpha ones.
“What’re you thinking about?” Leo murmurs.
I immediately shake my head, burying my face in his shirt to avoid meeting his too-sharp gaze.
“Nothing,” I mumble. “It doesn’t matter.”
The last thing I’d want to do is point out his designation if that’s something he’s sensitive about.
With the amount of time I’ve spent around Stuart—who wants nothing more than to be an alpha so my mom will finally look his way—I know exactly how deep that desire can run.
If there was a surgery that involved breaking each one of his limbs in multiple places to change him into an alpha, Stuart would take it.
“It matters to me. Why don’t you want to tell me?” He runs a soothing hand up and down my spine. Even though he’s touching me through my sweatshirt, the touch still grounds me enough to keep me from spiraling into a panic attack. “Is it because you’re worried about upsetting me?”
I nod, my face still buried in his shirt.
“I won’t be upset. I promise. I just want to know because I care about you.”
I swallow hard past the lump in my throat.
There’s something about Leo that makes me want to believe him.
“You’re not lying?”
“No. Not at all.”
I finally find the courage to lift my head from his chest.
He offers me a small smile when my gaze meets his.
And that smile breaks my heart. Because in it I see a future where this thing between us, whatever it is, ends up being real.
I could get used to us making food together in my kitchen.
To his calm demeanor. To the feeling of never being overwhelmed because of him.
“You know nothing serious can happen between us, even if we want it to, right?” I blurt out.
I expect the soft smile on his face to falter. For him to pull away.
But he doesn’t.
If anything, the soft smile shifts to a grin.
“So you want it to?”
I let out an incredulous snort of laughter, pushing gently at his chest.
“That’s not the point!”
“I mean, it’s definitely the point I’m paying attention to the most.” His expression sobers. “It’s because I’m a beta.”
It’s not a question for him. Just a statement. And that breaks my heart even more.
“No,” I rasp. “It’s because I’m an omega.”
My hands fall away from him, and I avert my gaze to the floor.
He takes the opportunity to step back towards the stove, picking up another piece of sliced meat with a new pair of chopsticks and swishing it through the non-spicy broth. He looks deep in thought in a way that leaves me feeling anxious, especially without the grounding effect of his touch.
Instead of eating the piece of meat himself, he blows on it gently before offering it to me.
I take it, blinking up at him.
“Have you ever thought about having a pack?” His question catches me off guard. That’s the last thing I expected him to ask.
My mind immediately jumps to Nancy’s bond marks. She’s the most mentally stable person I know—probably because it’s her job to appear that way during our sessions—and she has a pack. Does that mean I could have one too?
“This isn’t me saying you need to or anything,” he continues, the first sign of nervousness I’ve seen all night, evident in the tenseness of his shoulders. “I’m just curious.”
I mull the thought over in my mind.
Technically, omegas have been getting rarer. Our numbers are pretty similar to what they were two generations ago, even though the overall population has grown. That’s even taking into account the male omegas that are starting to pop up.
Especially since the development of the unbonding process, society has been a lot more welcoming to alpha packs that all bond the same omega. It used to be a thing limited to small towns, but that’s not the case anymore.
“A little bit,” I say, after swallowing the delicious bite of food.
“Is that something you’d be interested in?”
My mom would freak out. For whatever reason, she has a thing for monogamy. Well, the kind of monogamy where she tends to go after alphas who aren’t exactly single. So maybe that’s not monogamy at all.
My mom aside, Ezra never would’ve let that happen. He was far too insecure.
But that’s what other people would think. Not what I actually think.
“Would you?” I say, turning the question back at him.
He tilts his head and pauses. It leaves me awkwardly wiping my clammy hands on the hem of my sweatshirt.
“You do that often, deflecting when things get personal. I understand why, but I want you to know I’ll never ask you questions I don’t want to know the answer to. But yes, I’d be in a pack.”
His words wash over me, leaving a flush across my cheeks. He keeps on saying these things about how he’s curious about getting to know me. The actual me. The me that stands in my kitchen without any glam or filters.
And I believe him.
“Oh, well, me too,” I whisper.
The moment that admission leaves my lips, I wilt, my shoulders curling in on themselves.
“Would you really wait around while I try to find alphas or something? I don’t have a very good track record picking them.”
His jaw works at my words and my expression crumples.
“Hey,” he hums, tugging me back into his chest. “Let me make something clear, Andi. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. It was his. It’s not reflective of you in any way.”
“You—you really think so?” I whisper, my gaze darting between his eyes.
“I know so.”
The insistence of his words makes tears burn behind my eyes.
“You wanna know something funny?” I rasp. “The first thing my mom asked me when I woke up at the hospital was what the hell I did wrong.”
“Oh, Andi,” he says, his brows drawing down. “I hope you know that’s not okay. No one should question you like that, especially not someone who’s supposed to be there to protect you.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I think... I think I’m starting to see that. We talked a lot about it in therapy.” I offer him a tight smile. “So much for not mentioning what I talked about in therapy.”
“Safe space, remember? I’m not judging. I just want to be here for you.”
I cling to him once more.
“You never answered my question,” I murmur. “Will you—will you really be okay if it takes me a long time to find alphas I feel safe around?”
He offers me another one of his soft smiles.
“If I get to do stuff like this,” he says, gesturing to the hot pot and nodding back down at me, “it isn’t really what I’d call waiting around.”
“Do you do this often?” I let out a soft huff of laughter, my own lips quirking up into a smile. “Woo girls with pretty words and hot pot?”
“No,” he chuckles.
“I must be lucky then,” I hum, reaching out and dipping a piece of meat in the spicy broth for him. He waits patiently before I feed him the bite.
It gives me an excuse to stare intently at his face, watching the hard planes of his jaw move with every bite.
“How exactly will this work?”
“If you need me, or even if you just want me, I’ll be there. Whatever you need. Cuddles, kisses, more.”
My mind instantly locks onto the more. It’s been a while since anything more has been remotely good.
I’m sure lots of other relationships get the way Ezra and mine got five years in. The sex was quick and perfunctory and purely to get each other off. And even then, he never put in the effort to get me there half the time. I was usually the one to finish myself off.
It didn’t help that he wasn’t the most attentive alpha during my heats, meaning I never really wanted to go off my suppressants any more than strictly necessary to keep myself healthy, which was once a year.
Would my heat be different if there were more people there to tend to me?
Leo’s one of the most attentive people I’ve ever met. Would that sort of attitude transfer to the bedroom?
“You’re thinking an awful lot in there,” Leo murmurs, his voice pitched low. A shiver runs down my spine from his breath against the shell of my ear.
“You can tell?” I gasp, my fist clenching into the fabric of his t-shirt.
“Yeah,” he chuckles, gently running his thumb between my brows. “It’s written across your face. It’s cute.”
I swear, I can feel my ears turning pink right now. I’m blushing so hard.
“Okay,” I say, clearing my throat. “So basically, you’re at my beck and call.”
My mouth goes dry as my mind immediately jumps to Beck. Will he be okay with this?
“At your service,” he says with a grin.
“We should... we should keep things between us for now. I don’t want to jeopardize things for Beck and the contract.”
“That makes sense.”
“Do you think he’ll be upset? If he hears about us?”
“Not at all,” Leo says with a shake of his head. “That’s not something you’ve got to worry about. I promise.”
“Okay,” I whisper, my gaze dropping down to his lips.
He cradles the back of my neck, his thumb angling my jaw upwards before he leans down and kisses me again.
It’s just as good as the first time.