Chapter 49
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Elizabeth
S omehow, I’d survived the last forty-eight hours in one piece.
Well, all except half my heart and some pieces of my soul, which I’d left in Silverton, tucked away with the people I loved.
Returning to my drab apartment and my sterile office only drilled the choice I’d made home. Then walking into the office and getting back into the thick of things had felt… oddly thin. Because work hadn’t stopped without me here. Leads had been uncovered and followed, assets had been reined in, tips had been investigated. All without me. Without a shred of input or insight from me, from my position and job.
I’d always thought I was a cog in a big mechanism, but had felt like I mattered in that context. Turned out, the mechanism hadn’t even needed me, let alone missed me. Sure, my boss and colleagues seemed glad I was back, but after the weeks in Silverton, all those faces felt practically unfamiliar to me. They certainly didn’t know me.
What did it say about my life, my purpose, my whole reason for being? Every move I made here made this ring in my head, and every step I’d taken away from Silverton and every old routine I’d run through in the last few hours pushed me toward one very clear conclusion.
I didn’t want this anymore.
This life had begun as a dream for me. Truly, I’d been exhilarated by the work for a long time. The thankless long hours, the risk, the distance, the feeling of being an other in any given country I lived in despite speaking the language and knowing the customs after preparing for months… I’d loved it all.
Until I hadn’t.
Sometime in the last few years, I’d lost that focus and sense of purpose. At some point, all of the hard things just started feeling harder, and the good things didn’t balance them out.
And then I went to Silverton.
I saw the possibilities I’d never even fathomed. They weren’t pictures I’d ever seen or dreamed of in my childhood. They were a version of life I couldn’t have imagined and wouldn’t have believed if I hadn’t seen them myself.
I saw Jo so completely in love with Adam and witnessed his sacrificial, encompassing love right back. I’d seen my dad happier than he’d ever been in my memory, not only loving Jane and her family, but working in the bookshop and reinventing himself.
And I met Kenny .
Just the thought of him brought a fresh and very unwelcome round of tears to my eyes.
He’d been genuine. He’d pursued me but didn’t pressure me. Kenny had shown me so much beauty—in his town, in the people there, in his cobbled together family at Saint, and in his care and love for me.
I’d known it the night he left me with apologies, and I’d known it each time we parted in the last few days. He loved me.
I’d willed him to ask me to stay. I’d almost begged him to say anything to deter me from coming back to this life, and yet he’d encouraged me. He’d been glad for me, even.
The anger I’d felt at him for that was real, but somewhere over the Atlantic, I’d realized he never would’ve done anything else. Kenny would never stop cheering for the people he cared about, nor would he do anything to deter them from pursuing their dreams.
Hadn’t he come from a dynamic that discouraged and put down? Hadn’t he faced a family who sneered at his desire for more, at his pursuit of service and anything beyond what they already had?
Of course he wouldn’t sentence anyone else to those same experiences.
Plus, his past was full of betrayal from the people he should’ve been able to trust. He needed safety and security in a relationship. We hadn’t had a relationship, exactly, but it’d felt like it. Within the little cocoon of our time together, I’d been willing to share things I’d never told anyone.
What he needed was someone to choose him overtly, repeatedly, and in an undeniable way.
I’d come back to work citing the commitment I’d made, but the truth rested in my gut, lodged there with an aching clarity. Coming back here was the safe bet, and it was running away, like I’d done so many times through my life.
Had I grown in any way? Matured? Learned anything at all these last few years, or even my thirty-five so far?
I thought I made a difference here, and I had. Maybe I was a replaceable cog, but it didn’t diminish that I’d taken down bad actors, had saved many women’s lives. But I’d also made a difference in Silverton. Evie was proof of it.
It wasn’t the job that mattered, ultimately. How long has it taken me to realize this?
It was what I was doing with my life. Wherever I was, I could make a difference. It was all on me and not the job title, per se. I could choose how to spend my time and the things I’d learned, just like Jo chose to gift the world with books that brought joy and delight, and it brought her the same to do so.
I get to choose.
The moment this clicked, I knew what I had to do.
I got to work setting everything in motion—it’d be a long day, but hopefully by the end of it, all the details would be settled.
I made it back to my apartment, shot off a dinner order at my favorite delivery place, and got to work packing. When I’d called the regional chief and told him my plan, he’d been, not surprisingly, furious. When I’d talked to my deputy station chief, he’d been more than delighted because my change most likely held a promotion for him .
Was I planning to fly back across the Atlantic within twenty-four hours of arriving? Sure was. Did it feel a little wild? Sure did.
But there was a peace in my soul I hadn’t experienced in… quite possibly ever.
Successful spies didn’t often retire—it was those who couldn’t stand the isolation, or the burnout, or the red tape that still cropped up sometimes. Occasionally, people at the top of their game did, and I’d seen the proof of that with my own eyes all along in Silverton, aka Eddie James-Williamson. She’d done it, had left a career destined to be a bright one, and was living her best life in this small town with friends, family, and the man she loved.
Somehow, this epitomized hope for me. Maybe I could, too…
Maybe I’d hit that wall, too. I couldn’t say I wasn’t burned out. But none of the why mattered when I knew the who. The where. And as soon as I could make it happen, the when.
I started a load of laundry, cleaned up a bit in the apartment, though it was fairly spotless since I’d cleaned it thoroughly before I left, knowing I wouldn’t want to come back to a mess.
The bell rang and I shuffled to the door, eager for sustenance since I’d not managed to get to the grocery store. I pulled open the door, already saying what great time the person made as I swiped through my phone for the app to confirm it was my order.
But I froze when I looked up.
“Kenny?”
His shy smile nearly catapulted me directly into his arms, but I resisted, still nailed to the spot where I stood .
“Hey, Liz.”
I laughed and it sounded a little crazed. “What are you doing here?”
His brow furrowed, but he pinned his gorgeous blue gaze on mine. “I’m here for you.”
Well, knock me over with a small gust of air. I was pretty sure there wasn’t anything more thrilling than hearing this man say that.
“You are? How? What does that mean?” My heart galloped in my chest. I couldn’t believe he was actually here.
Wait, he was here , and still standing in the hallway of my building. “First, come inside.” I stepped back out of the entrance so he could come in. He had only a backpack with him and he somehow smelled like himself—laundry detergent and mint and something else fresh, instead of airplane.
His eyes tracked over the small kitchen, living room, and the door to the bedroom. “This is… different than I imagined.”
“Oh? Did you think it’d be nicer?”
He shrugged a shoulder. “I honestly don’t know. I didn’t actually imagine anything specific. Maybe it’s just being here is the odd thing.”
I swallowed convulsively, nerves shooting through me. I hadn’t even felt elation or excitement yet because he was so serious and almost subdued, and I didn’t know what to make of it.
“Um, so, I’m here because I took a travel position with Saint. I’m the new European post.”
His eyes were glued to mine, and it took me a heartbeat to absorb his meaning. “You’re moving to Europe.”
“Yes. To be with you, if you’ll have me.”
My shattered heart knitted back together in this instant, like he’d hit rewind and every little piece that’d cleaved from the whole had been restored.
I launched at him and he caught me, his strong arms wrapping me up and his mouth meeting mine with as much determination and relief as I felt. We shifted, and then he was sliding his hand down, urging me to jump and I did, only halting the kiss for a moment to wrap my legs around his hips before I dove back in, wanting to be closer and closer to this man I loved.
He stumbled, tripping over something, and caught himself on the wall near my bedroom.
“Sorry. I’m really not trying to destroy your place,” he said between kisses.
Your place.
That phrase smacked me upside the head, and I pulled back, knowing he needed the truth more now than ever.
“I really don’t want to stop you from having your way with me, but I also really need to say a few things,” I said, breath heaving in the wake of his glorious kisses.
His smiling face sobered slightly, and he stole another kiss before setting me down. “Please say whatever you need to.”
I took his hand and led him to the couch, where we sat side by side. I kept his warm hand clasped in mine as I spoke.
“When I left, I was genuinely hoping you’d ask me to stay.”
Pain lanced across his face. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve. But I didn’t want you to feel anything but glad to go back to the life you’ve built. You have an incredible career you’ve fought for, and I didn’t want to be someone trying to take away from that in any way. ”
Ugh, this man. He was so deeply good and loving. “Thank you.”
He huffed.
“But also, I need you to know, especially in light of what you just told me, that I’ve just resigned my position and am no longer living in Europe as of about twenty-four hours from now.”