“Get the fuck away from him.” #3
I feel Robin behind me, and I tense. I’ve done something wrong, and I don’t want to go until I’ve had one night in a proper bed.
I can go back to the empty shop. Dean is probably gonna wait there until I can get back.
I flinch when Robin strokes my hair, tensing up for the tug or the slap that’ll come next.
Or maybe they want what every other foster dad has wanted.
“I’ll fight you if you try anything. I’m tougher now. You’re not getting anything from me,” I snarl and shoot out of the chair and away from Robin.
“What? God, no, Knox. Never, it’s never going to happen to you again. I’m sorry,” he says emphatically, shaking his head vehemently. “I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re safe here.”
I’m breathing hard, and I can feel the heat on my cheeks so I’m probably red too.
“You’re safe,” he says again.
“I think I’ll go to bed.”
Confusion rushes through me as I turn over in the bed.
The fact that it’s a bed is the first thing that’s unusual.
Then everything from last night comes back to me, and I dare to open my eyes.
Yep. I’m in bed, in a house, with Mr and Mr Perfect.
Again, the niggling notion that I’m being unnecessarily mean pops into my head.
Robin and Kip have been nothing but kind.
But I need to get back to Dean. He’ll be out of his mind with worry. I don’t bother looking at the time; it’s not like I’m locked in here. I can leave whenever I want.
I have to find him. Everything will be okay when we’re together again.
I don’t need this place. The two of us have managed to do a good job so far.
I ignore all the thoughts that are pestering me.
The ones that tell me that living in squalid buildings or a doorway isn’t being looked after.
Nor is having to resort to sucking some dirty old man’s dick to get some cash.
But it’s been the two of us for years; persuading the authorities we’re true brothers is easy because no one cared enough to check it.
I’ll have to wear my own clothes again; they give me invisibility.
Kids aren’t seen; no one wants to think about the life of a teenager living on the streets.
I pick them up, my nose wrinkles at the dreadful smell, now that I’ve got myself washed and clean.
How could Robin have had me in his car, let alone his home?
It could be your home. The voice is back.
Ignoring it, I get dressed. Without knowing if anyone else is up, I crack open my door and peek out.
All the doors are shut, which, hopefully, means no one is out of bed yet.
I don’t know what time it, but it’s early, the time I’m used to getting up and moving on, away from anyone’s complaint or contempt.
My stomach growls, empty again after the amazing dinner last night.
Perhaps there’s some bread left over, so instead of going straight for the front door, I detour to the kitchen, and there’s a breadbin on the worktop.
The bread had been sliced now, so I take two and carefully replace the lid.
As soon as I’m outside, I realise I’m a long way from the city.
I don’t remember any of the ride back from the police station.
Which means I’m not sure where to go—the only helpful part is I’m in a Cul de sac, so I can only go out one way.
As I eat the bread, I head steadily down the road, reading the road signs directing me back to town.
It’s going to be a long walk, but when I shove my hand in my jeans pocket, the fiver that got me in so much trouble is still there.
There’s a bus stop further up the road, so I don’t have to walk.
The fiver doesn’t get me all the way, so, I’m gonna have to walk the last couple of so miles.
It’s daylight now and thankfully, dry, making the walk easier.
It takes another hour to get back to the derelict shop, and the window is still cracked open. So, there are two reasons: the first is it’s like that from me leaving—the most likely reason, or second, Dean is back, and he’s left it open for me.
“Dean?” I call in a loud whisper. “Dean?”
“Ellis!” He rushes up to me, pulling me tight against his chest. Then stills. “You’re clean, your hair is clean,” he reiterates. It’s not a question. “What happened? Where’ve you been and don’t bullshit me, because I’ve been freaking out here, not knowing where you were. Why did you leave here?”
I give him the short version, not wanting him to know about the kicking I took.
“Then the cops called some busybody social worker, and he insisted I go home with him. I told them to fuck off, that he was the same as all the others.” I skip the part where Robin had been so kind; his lack of judgement made a pleasant change.
“I went, and Jesus, when I got there, I had my own room, with a bathroom attached. I spent ages in the shower. Oh, and there was a laptop and a tv in there. I told him I could nick them and be gone, but he said that since I trusted him to take me home, he trusted me too. Then I got food, homemade tomato soup and a couple of toasted cheese sandwiches. Fuck, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. It was that good.”
Dean is quiet for a long moment, his eyes on me the whole time. He knows me so well.
“Oh, and I told them my name was Knox, y’know like you always say. We’ve been dealt some hard knocks in our lives. Clever, right. They live a long way away; I had to get a bus.”
He looks sad, defeated when he looks into my eyes.
His shoulders are slumped as if he’s given up something.
He sighs heavily as if the weight of the world is on his chest. “You should go back to them, babe. You’re only fourteen, and this life will beat us all in the end.
Go somewhere that can change your life for the better.
Where food comes without a price; you shouldn’t ever have to pay.
Sex isn’t all you have to offer. You’re smarter than that and deserve so much more than I can give you.
You’re better than all this.” He holds his arms out wide.
“You should have a bed and be clean and not have to constantly look over your shoulder.”
Shocked, I stare at him, not believing the words he’s said. He wants me to go, to leave him behind. “No,” I say, angrily. “No, it’s you and me, Dean. You said we’d be okay and would stay together.”
“I know, but, Ellis, this is your chance. What if it’s the only one you ever get? You’d regret it and resent me, and I love you too much to let that happen. Please, babe, take this chance, even if it’s only for me.”
As I shake my head, fresh tears stream down my cheeks.
He doesn’t mean it. He can’t. Then I remember Robin said there was another boy staying with him, that he’s a little younger than me.
“You can come too. There’s plenty of room, and he does this, takes kids no one else wants.
You’re only seventeen, so that’s not too old, Dean. Please come back with me.”
“No, this is your chance. I’ll be okay. I’ve got some friends who will help me out. They said they’ll pay me if I do some jobs for them. It’s good money too. I’ll be okay.”
We both know that’s a lie. We know it will be drug running or as a bully boy. Dean is big, strong enough to hold his own in a fight. He’s always doing workouts, exercises to strengthen himself. He can do more push-ups than anyone else.
“It’s not good money, Dean. Not if it’s going to get you into trouble or hurt. Fuck, these sorts of guys carry blades, some have guns. It’s a gang, and you know that once you start, you’ll never make it out. They own you.”
“I’ll be okay. I know what they want, and they know I’m the best man for it.” He pulls out some money from his back pocket. “It’s easy money; look what I got for last night.”
There must be at least a couple of hundred pounds.
This is how they get the desperate kids to do their dirty work: they have a hold on him now.
He won’t leave because he can’t. They’ll kill him before he can take one step away from them.
I hate the words I’m going to say, but I don’t want to be without him.
“I can join you; these types can always use a kid like me.”
“No. No way. It’s too dangerous. I can’t let you,” Dean snaps, getting cross with me. He never gets cross.
“But it will still be us; you have to want that.”
He looks at me, and his eyes go cold as stone.
“No. I don’t. I don’t want you. Not anymore.
You’re too dependent and clingy. You’ll just slow me down or get in the way.
I’m outta here, and you should go too. Take this and you can get a bus back there.
” He shoves a tenner in my hand and walks past me, and before I can even reach out for him, he’s gone.
All I hear is the clatter of the window shutting behind him.
My knees give way, and I sink to the floor and sob huge tears that are filled with pain and then anger.
He planned this. Even if I hadn’t been found by Robin, he was going to push me away.
Where would I have gone if he’d done that?
What would’ve become of me? I can’t do this alone.
When I stop crying, the sadness has gone.
I don’t need him. There is somewhere for me to go, somewhere I’m wanted.
Somewhere that, unlike him, I can make something of myself without becoming a drug dealer’s runner.