Chapter 25
So, it’s exactly as Drake predicted: he informed on his crew to get out of the hell he’d thought would lead him to a better life, one with money in his pocket and a decent roof over his head. Instead, it was violent and dangerous, and the only way out was in a coffin.
Pain shoots through my gut for all he went through. Why was he so stubborn when I went back to the derelict shop. He should’ve come with me. “Why did you push me away? You should’ve had this life.”
Maddox is quiet, his forearms resting on his knees, his head bowed.
What is taking him so long to answer me?
When he lifts his head, pain and anguish are written all over his face, the grief in his eyes makes me want to look away.
“Because I loved you, and you deserved to have the world given to you. If I’d gone with you, you wouldn’t have grown and moved on,” he pauses.
“I’d always be the one you looked to, allowing me to make all the decisions, instead of learning to be strong and independent.
Because…because that would mean you’d love me as your brother and not the way I love you. ”
I sit back into the sofa cushion; I have no answer to that because he used love in the present tense.
Roman must’ve caught it, too, because he stiffens, and the hand on my thigh tightens.
I pull him back, kissing the top of his head.
“You can’t’ve known that back then,” I say, disbelief soaking through my voice.
“We were kids. We had no clue what love was. No one had ever shown us any.”
“I knew you’d say that. But trust me, I knew. You don’t have to believe me; I don’t blame you. Especially now knowing our sexual preferences, it would never work out.”
I don’t miss the way his eyes flick to Roman, making it my turn to grip him a little tighter. Anger flares inside me. “You saw us together, that Roman likes to be shared. Is that what’s making you say you love me? You want in?”
The shock on his face makes his cheeks flush red. “What the fuck? No!”
“Knox, baby. Slow down, you’re jumping way too far ahead.” Roman’s hand on my chest calms me down a little, not much, but a little.
“You’ve gotta see how this looks. He’s suddenly back in my life, telling me he loves me? Who does that?”
“Someone who’s already lost one life, someone with no one in the new one,” Maddox says, his chin up, his gaze unwavering. “I didn’t come looking for you, Knox. You turned up at that fight; you searched me out.”
“Yeah, and if you remember, I walked away from you,” I remind him.
“We’re getting nowhere here.” Roman acts as referee, holding up his hands as if to separate us. “Maybe it’s time to call it quits tonight. We can talk again tomorrow.”
“I don’t see what there is to talk about. He’s talking out of his arse,” I snap, then rein it in when Roman looks hurt. “I’m sorry, love.” I wrap my hand around his nape and squeeze gently.
I stand up and brush my hands down my legs, straightening my jeans, something I’ve always done even when I was a kid. Even if our clothes were hand-me-downs or dirty, normally both, I still brushed them down. A small sliver of ice in my heart cracks; he’s trying to be honest, to make a new start.
“What?” Maddox is watching me.
He smiles a small smile, a sad smile. “You’ve always done that, even when we were kids. You always brush your clothes off. I’d forgotten about that.”
“I bet you still double knot your shoes.” I look at Roman. “He never had the right size shoes, so he had to tie them tight so they wouldn’t fall off.”
Any attempt at humour had gone at the sad statement. “Christ, how the hell did we survive?” I shake my head at the misery of our lives.
“I didn’t,” Maddox says flatly. “I just shifted to a different kind of hell. I would’ve died in that stinky place even with helping the force out. I had been set up by the rival leader and the bastard that did the cutting. I would’ve been stabbed in the heart.”
“I’m sorry, Dean. You didn’t deserve any of that shit.” I realise what I’ve just said. “I mean, Maddox.”
“It’s weird hearing it again, but not really safe. Some of the gang members have been released from prison now. I doubt if they’re looking for a dead man. It’s better to stick to Maddox.”
“How do you cope? You must be constantly looking over your shoulder.” I can’t imagine having to live such a private life whilst out in the open. Another question I’ve been wondering about comes back to me. “How could you risk not being recognised when you fight.”
“I fought in really obscure places to begin with, working up the table by points. I don’t take on sponsors or endorsements.
The thought of having my face plastered on energy drinks or sportswear…
Yes, there’s a been a few cosmetic changes, the chin and cheek bones, the jawline and nose.
I’ve been dying my hair for so long I forget what colour it really is.
The laser surgery of the gang tattoo was the first step to changing.
Then the horrible eye surgery, but even ten plus years later, I could be recognised.
“Apparently, gang members are like elephants: they never forget. Who’d’ve thought it.
” His chuckle is bitter, and I feel for him, how lonely he must have been, unsure of any and every one who wanted friendship.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not after your pity.
I lived a quiet life. I had a job and that gave me friends. It wasn’t all doom and gloom.”
The knot of anxiety in my stomach is unusual.
I’m confident, determined, and certain of who I am; with Maddox, I feel different.
It’s protective. I want to keep him safe; I want him in my family, to know not just what he could’ve had, more like what he has now.
He’s still Dean to me. I take a deep breath and notice that Maddox has stiffened, ready to turn and leave. I don’t want that.
“I’m sorry I was harsh. You’ve got to admit you threw a bloody great grenade at us.
I want to get to know you again. I’d love it if you could come and meet my family.
I know you’ve met Saint and Noah, and Drake, but he’s an enigma all to himself,” I laugh.
“Come and see them all together with my parents. Roman is having his first official Sunday dinner this weekend. We’re moving in properly in the afternoon and will be using Saint’s truck for the big stuff. So maybe the next weekend.”
An idea pops into my head, and I smile. It’s the smile that has Roman horny in seconds. He moves in closer to me, resting his back to my front. He’ll be able to feel my hard-on if he grinds back. “Come to the club one night; we can introduce you to some of our friends. Maybe Ollie with be there.”
“Yeah, really. That would be cool. I haven’t had any fun like that in a very long time. What day is best for you?”
“Wednesday,” Roman and I say at the same time. I continue, “It’s a good night, lots of boys wanting some fun to break up the week.”
Maddox agrees, looking happier than he did a few minutes ago. “I’d better go; I hope we’re all on the same page. Friendship sounds good to me.”
“Come to the gym, we could have a workout together, maybe some sparring in the ring,” I challenge him.
“You’re on.”
We stand on the doorstep as Maddox gets in his car, and with a wave, he drives away.
Roman lets out a huge sigh. “That was intense. I thought he was going to walk out.” He turns to wrap his arms around my waist, squeezing before sliding his hands down to my butt, squeezing that too.
I kiss him softly. “Are you ready for bed, or we can talk though tonight?”
“We can do both and cuddled up sounds good to me.”
I make sure the door is locked, and we go upstairs, both quiet as we go through our nighttime routine.
He pees while I brush my teeth and vice versa.
With a final wash of my hands, I get undressed and mosey back to my, soon to be our, bedroom and the extra-large bed.
Roman is sitting up, his back to the headboard; he looks like the bed was made for him to be in it.
“God, I’m so glad I’ve got you. I wish we’d done it earlier.
Would you have said yes to me a year ago, two years ago? ”
“You can’t think like that. You’ve got to focus on now and what we have. Look forward, Knox, not back. We have each other now.” He’s quiet, and I think there’s something else he wants to say. I give him time. “He loves you; how do you feel about that?”
There it is, he’s being so open and honest. He deserves the same from me.
“I don’t know. I loved him as my brother; I grieved for him as if he was blood.
But that was Dean, not this, I don’t know—stranger.
” Yes, he’s a stranger, but not really. It’s weird, because even though he looks different, he’s not. I don’t know what to think.
“Perhaps it’s better to treat him as a new friend.
The last time you knew each other was bad.
You were what…fourteen? Nobody’s the same as they were then.
” Roman sighs. Then he shifts, and suddenly, he’s straddling my thighs, then leaning in to kiss me.
“He wants us; you know that, don’t you? I don’t think that’s the only reason he wants to befriend us, but I saw the way he looked at us when we were with Jackson.
And don’t forget the rather large tent he had in your office. ”
Something stirs inside me, probably because Roman is grinding down on my knob. But also, because I love sharing Roman. I wonder if he and Ollie would like to play again; the last time was Roman fucking Ollie while I fucked the boy’s mouth. I wonder what the four of us could get up to.
“Whatever you’re thinking, the answer is yes.” Roman rises up on his knees, spits on my cock, and slides slowly down onto it.