Chapter 3
Chapter Three
Travis
Days passed in a blur.
Sunday.
Monday.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
They were all the same, time having ceased to mean anything to me.
I relied on muscle memory to get me through the daily functions, accomplishing the bare minimum. I was relying on my parents, my brothers. They were all there, consoling one another, pitching in to take care of what needed to be taken care of.
I couldn’t eat; I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to go into the bedroom we’d shared with Kylie, didn’t want to shower in the shower I'd joined her in numerous times, didn’t want to eat off dishes she’d eaten off of.
It was too painful. I wanted to be blessedly numb, my mind blank.
It was my only objective, yet no matter how hard I fought back the memories, they swamped me at the most inopportune time: every second of the hour, every hour of the day.
Like now, when I was sitting at my desk in my home office, staring blankly at the closed doors. I had just processed the payment that would take care of the funeral arrangements. The ones my mother was taking care of for us.
To my absolute horror, I'd found that Kylie had actually had a will drawn up. She had thought of everything, ensuring we were all taken care of in the event of her death. When? When had she done that, and why didn’t I know about it?
Another tear escaped as I accepted the fact I probably did know.
Kylie had likely mentioned it to me at some point, probably even encouraged me to do the same.
Whatever it took to ensure the children were taken care of if something bad happened.
She had always worried because our relationship was complicated.
While Kylie and I were legally married, we weren’t legally married to Gage.
Sure, there was a contract that bound us and covered some legalities, but it didn’t cover everything.
I took in a ragged breath, let it out.
How was I supposed to wake up every single day without her? How was I supposed to want to live another day without her? I wasn’t even sure I could. She was our everything. All of us. We were lost without her.
How in the fuck was I ever going to be able to sleep in our bed knowing she would never be there again? Knowing I would never have the rare moment of watching her sleep? Or waking up and making love to her before the day got started?
Tears dripped unchecked down my face as my chest constricted with every breath.
Who was going to be there to remind me that my socks did not belong on the floor of the bathroom?
Or that it was my turn to pick up the kids from daycare?
Or suggest I hire someone to mow the lawn because it would simply be easier, and the kid down the street was looking to make some money for video games?
And the kids … God, how were they going to get through every single day without seeing their beautiful, loving mother?
Who would make Kate chicken-and-stars soup when she didn’t feel well?
Or add cut-up hot dogs to Avery’s macaroni and cheese?
Who would cuddle with Kade on the couch and sneak bites of chocolate chip cookie dough right out of the tub while they thought no one was watching?
Who would sing Haden those silly lullabies that Kylie made up because it made him laugh?
And Maddox … would he even remember that his mother told him every night that she loved him to the moon and back?
She was gone. Kylie was dead, and our lives were forever changed. The sun would never be as bright, as warm as it had once been.
And how in the fuck was Gage ever going to be able to look at me and not blame me for getting our wife killed?
A knock sounded on the door, and I brought the room into focus. I didn’t bother wiping the tears. It wouldn’t matter. More would fall.
The door opened, and my dad appeared. “Are you ready?”
I shook my head.
Never.
I would never be ready to say goodbye to Kylie one last time.
Gage
I stared out the window, watching the trees pass by in a blur.
From the backseat of the limousine that would take us to the church, then to the gravesite, I tried not to think too much, fearful I might throw myself out of a moving vehicle, refusing to do this, refusing to say goodbye to Kylie, to watch as they placed her in her final resting place.
Tears clogged my throat, but I held them at bay. I had to be strong for the kids.
“Where’s Daddy-O?”
“He’s comin’,” I assured Avery, planting a half smile on my face. “I promise you’ll see him in a little while.”
I had spent the past four days feeling as though I was walking through a nightmare without the benefit of knowing I would eventually wake up, that the horror I'd experienced could be put behind me. But this wasn’t a nightmare, and I wouldn’t be waking up. The horror was now my new normal.
Kylie was dead, Travis had retreated from the world, and I had been forced to explain to my kids what happened and help them understand that, with time, we would all get through this, even if I didn’t necessarily believe it myself.
Thankfully, I had help taking care of the details.
Lorrie and Curtis were pitching in, cooking meals, helping with the kids, and delegating tasks and chores to Travis’s brothers.
They were also helping Kylie’s parents and her sister, ensuring they had everything they needed so they could focus solely on grieving.
Jessie was having a difficult time dealing with the loss of her sister.
She continued to blame herself, claiming she could’ve done more, should’ve done more.
She was in denial, a stage of grief I was all too familiar with.
In all the time I had known the Walkers, starting back when I'd first become friends with Kaleb in elementary school, never had I seen them rally together quite like this. And that was saying something, considering the Walkers were always there to help those in need. But this … this sadness was like a wet blanket shrouding everyone. They were doing their best to ensure I didn’t feel alone, but even with their kindness, I felt as though I had no one to turn to.
I wouldn’t deny it helped to stay busy, to have something to take care of, but it would’ve been easier if I had Travis at my side. Never had I thought I would be the stronger of the two of us when it came to something like this. Then again, Travis wasn’t giving me much of an option.
When the car came to a stop in front of the church, the kids turned to me.
I could feel all those sad eyes waiting for me to direct them on what to do next.
I had already explained to Kate, Kade, Avery, and Haden that today we were going to say goodbye to their mother one last time.
Kate was in denial, refusing to believe this was real, retreating from everyone just like Travis.
I couldn’t blame her. If I thought it might bring Kylie back, I would do the same thing.
As for the others, I knew they didn’t truly understand it, but I thought it was important, as did the rest of the family, that they be here today.
The only person who hadn’t chimed in, hadn’t offered his opinion, had been Travis.
Try as I might, I could not get him to speak to me, and I had a feeling the man believed I was responsible for what happened.
I understood how I would because I blamed myself, too.
If I'd only trusted his gut when he insisted we find Juliet Prince and bring her to justice. If I had only listened, Kylie would still be with us today, not being buried one day after what should’ve been her thirty-seventh birthday.
She hadn’t gotten to celebrate her thirty-seventh birthday. Never would.
I fought to breathe around the knot in my throat while I helped the kids out of the car, walked with them toward the steps leading into the church. My heart physically ached as I ascended those steps one at a time.
The door was standing open, Pastor Bob waiting inside to greet us.
But it wasn’t the pastor I saw first. No, my eyes instantly moved to Travis, who was standing there, looking as lost and as gutted as I felt.
“Daddy-O!” Kate yelled, racing right into his arms.
Without fail, Travis picked her up, held her tight to him, and kissed her on the forehead as all the other kids, save for Maddox, who simply kicked his feet against my hip, wrapped themselves around Travis’s legs.
Our eyes met over the heads of all our kids, and I felt a fresh wave of grief. I could see that Travis was doing his best to pull away from us. Not physically but emotionally. I knew he would be there because we needed him, but even if he was there in body, he wouldn’t be there in spirit.
Problem was I had already lost Kylie, the woman I loved beyond measure. I didn’t think I would survive losing Travis at the same time.
Travis
I was numb.
If it wasn’t for that fact, I would probably be cold, considering I'd been standing at Kylie’s gravesite for the past few hours.
I had endured the final words, the sobs, the well wishes, and the departure of those who’d gathered.
Yet I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I intended to be here until her casket was lowered into the earth and covered with dirt, unwilling to leave her side until I absolutely had to.
I couldn’t count the number of people who had tried to console me, urging me to go home, get some rest. And I knew exactly how many I'd spoken to.
None. I had no words because there was nothing I could say that would make this okay in any way or easier to bear, so I'd kept my mouth closed and pretended to listen.
“Travis, they need to lower the casket now.”
I managed to drag my gaze over to see my father looking at me with such pain in his eyes.
Beyond him, Pastor Bob stood by, his expression solemn.
I could understand it. I knew everyone was feeling the loss, and while I had nothing to say, I wasn’t diminishing their grief in any way.
I was simply trying to deal with my own.
“I need a few minutes,” I managed.