Chapter 3 #2
“Of course. We’ll wait until you’re finished.”
I didn’t care if they waited or if they left. It didn’t matter to me. Nothing mattered anymore.
Once I was alone again, I stepped forward, placed my hand on the glossy mahogany that entombed my beautiful wife.
The casket had been hand-selected by Jessie because she claimed Kylie would’ve loved it.
She mentioned that the royal blue silk on the inside was Kylie’s favorite color.
I had kept my opinions to myself because I didn’t understand the rationale.
What Kylie would’ve loved was to be alive and well and watching her babies grow up, not lying cold and dead on a bed of royal blue silk.
It was then the tears returned, and I didn’t attempt to stop them.
“It should’ve been me, baby,” I whispered. “It shouldn’t be you leavin’ us so soon. It shouldn’t be you the kids have to live without. It should be me.”
I took a deep breath, tucked my hands in my pockets.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Kylie. I should’ve stopped her. Instead, I went off the rails, became obsessed, and lost my focus. I gave her the perfect opportunity to strike at me again.” I sobbed. “This is my fault, baby. All my fault.”
I focused on breathing. My chest constricted so tight I thought I might drop to my knees from the pain of it, but I pushed through because the pain was the least I deserved.
“I will find her,” I promised. “I will. Might not be today or tomorrow, but it will happen. And when I do, I will end her.”
As far as I was concerned, Juliet Prince didn’t deserve a day behind bars with three squares and a cot. The only place she deserved to be was in the cold, hard ground.
“Hopefully,” I continued aloud, “once that happens, Gage can forgive me, and the kids won’t grow to hate me as much as I hate myself.”
And that was my fear now. That Gage wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye, and the kids wouldn’t want to see my face when they realized this was all my fault. And I couldn’t blame them.
I heard someone clear their throat, and I peered over my shoulder to see Gage standing there, hands in his pockets, eyes piercing right through me.
“Trav,” he said roughly, taking a step forward.
As much as I believed he deserved so much better than me, in that moment, Gage was the only person on the planet who could offer me even a modicum of relief.
Rather than warn him off or send him away, I turned to face Gage fully, and when my husband moved toward me, I took a single step, then another, until we were standing there, wrapped tightly in one another’s arms as the sobs tore free.
I cradled his head while he did the same in return.
It wasn’t a gentle embrace but rather a hard hug that gave us both something to hold on to for those brief seconds.
And when we separated, I scrubbed my face with the palms of my hands and took a deep breath.
“Don’t make me do this alone, Trav,” Gage whispered, his brown eyes glittering with so much pain.
“I would never,” I promised, reaching for him again, holding on.
I'd been distant the past few days, and I wouldn’t make excuses for it.
I'd left the hard parts to Gage, and I shouldn’t have, but rational thought hadn’t been an option.
Anyone who knew me knew my emotions ran hot, and when they did, I tended to do the wrong thing.
Gage, of all people, knew that about me.
In fact, it was Gage’s acceptance of me that made me love the man all the more.
Several hours later, after I had stopped by my parents’ house for the reception, listened while people shared stories of how they knew Kylie, how she’d made their life a bit brighter, I was glad to be home.
Gage and the kids had come home at my request, and I'd spent the past hour helping Gage get them all settled in.
Maddox and Haden had gone right to sleep, the events of the past few days wearing them down.
They were safe and warm in the comfort of their own beds, and I hoped they would sleep through the night because of it.
Kade, Avery, and Kate weren’t giving in quite so easily, but I didn’t mind.
I had settled in my recliner with Avery and her little fuzzy blanket in my lap while Kade sat on the floor with his video game controller in his hand.
Kate was lying on the couch, her head on Gage’s thigh as she watched her brother.
Every so often, I would look over, watch Gage as he lightly brushed Kate’s hair with his hand.
I focused on breathing, fought the urge to look toward the stairs, to wonder what Kylie was doing.
On nights like this, she would often sneak upstairs for some quiet time of her own.
She had loved to read, and whenever possible, she would carve out the time to enjoy a bath, a book, and a glass of wine.
Never again.
I felt the emotion bubble in my chest, but I held it back.
I did not want the kids to see me fall apart.
This was hard enough on them; I did not need to make it worse.
But even as I glanced from one kid to the next, I couldn’t help but think that this was what Kylie had built.
This family … this was all her. And now she wasn’t here with us.
Minutes ticked by as we remained where we were.
Kate and Avery didn’t last long, falling asleep with nothing to keep them preoccupied.
It wasn’t until Kade reclined on the floor that I decided it was time for them all to get up to their beds.
They’d had a long, emotional day, and they needed to sleep.
With Gage’s help, we got the kids tucked in, and when I returned downstairs, it was to find Gage in the kitchen. He was leaning back against the counter, a glass of scotch in his hand. When he saw me, he picked up another, handed it over.
I took it, swallowed a sip, then met Gage’s eyes. “I’m sorry about the past few days.”
He nodded, took a drink.
I knew that wasn’t forgiveness because my actions were unforgivable. I'd left Gage alone to deal with the hard parts while I sulked here in this cold, lonely house, acting as though I was the only one affected by Kylie’s death.
Before I could offer more apologies or explain so he would understand my reasons, my husband finished his drink, set the glass in the sink, and walked past me.
I didn’t turn around, didn’t beg or plead. I deserved the cold shoulder from Gage. Hell, I deserved far worse than that.
The swinging door flapped shut upon Gage’s exit, making me close my eyes briefly, the sadness of it all filling me once more.
Rather than dwell on it, I finished my drink, washed the dirty glasses, and put them back in the cupboard.
I checked the contents of the refrigerator, made a note on the grocery list, and planned out the kids’ breakfast for the morning.
It was important to get them back into a routine, and I wanted to be ready.
With nothing left to do, I forced myself to go to bed, flipping off the lights in the house on the way to the main-floor guest room.
Aside from taking the kids to bed earlier, I hadn’t been upstairs, and for now, I intended to keep it that way.
I wasn’t strong enough to handle seeing my bedroom or smelling Kylie’s lingering perfume.