Chapter 49 #2
Whether my focus was in the right place was yet to be seen.
At least to a degree. I’d noticed that Kylie was reconnecting with the kids and making every effort to show them that she wasn’t going anywhere.
They weren’t old enough to understand that what happened to their mother had been out of everyone’s control, and we had agreed that telling them the hard truth at this point wasn’t going to make things better.
Speaking of making things better…
Now, as Kylie and I were enjoying a few minutes of peace, I wanted to shift closer to her, to pull her against me so I could hold her for a little while. Or perhaps run my fingers through her hair while she lay her head on my leg and watched TV.
Those were the things we used to do.
But while we were steadily shifting into a routine of sorts, it still felt as though she was keeping herself apart from us.
I got the impression she wasn’t exactly comfortable here, but I wasn’t sure what was causing her discomfort.
She seemed content with the day-to-day now that she’d been home for nearly two months.
Our waking hours were less stressful than they had been in the beginning; however, the sleeping arrangements still left a lot to be desired.
We shared the same bed every night, but it felt …
off. I just wasn’t sure how to broach the subject.
As much as I wanted to understand what my wife had been through, I didn’t.
I’d never been through the sort of hell she had, so I couldn’t relate. Which was why I wanted to hold her.
“Does it feel weird that I’m here?” she asked.
I shifted my attention from the television to her. I didn’t answer right away, giving the question considerable thought. Giving her the standard response wasn’t an option. Not if I wanted us to find our footing once again. And I did. More than anything.
“Yes,” I finally said. “In the best possible way.”
Kylie smiled, but I sensed that it was forced. “Y’all have done a good job with the kids.”
The separation between her and us was still there when it came to comments like that. Kylie wasn’t asking for permission to be involved anymore, but there was still a distinction at times.
“I don’t know about that. It’s an uphill battle.”
“That’s expected.”
Yeah. Maybe.
“They missed you so damn much,” I told her.
She nodded, her eyes still lingering on my face. “Did you?”
What kind of question was that?
I was offended that she would ask such a thing, but I refrained from getting upset. “Did I miss you? Of course I did.”
She nodded again, as though only partially accepting the answer.
“Why would you think otherwise?”
Kylie shrugged.
I did move closer then. Her eyes tracked me as I closed the distance between us so I could put my arm around her. I pulled her against my side and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
“Our lives ended when we thought you were dead,” I whispered.
“Looks like y’all have moved on quite well to me.”
There was pain in her voice.
“Trust me, it wasn’t easy.” I decided to give her some examples to help her understand. “Travis moved out of our bedroom right after you … uh…” I swallowed, unable to say the word. “He couldn’t go back in there.”
“But you didn’t have a problem?”
“I had to be in there. It was the only way I felt close to you. I could smell you on the pillows. Hell, I didn’t change the pillowcase on your pillow for months.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “Sometimes I would pour your bodywash into the water while I was in the shower just so I could smell you.”
Kylie shifted back, her fingers pressing against my jaw, urging me to look at her.
I turned my head, letting her see the tears that I couldn’t hold back.
Although she’d been home for nearly two months, I still got choked up.
Sometimes it didn’t feel real, and I was terrified that I would wake up one morning and she would be gone again.
“We were miserable without you,” I said, my voice rough with emotion. “I don’t ever want to go through anything like that again.”
Her eyes implored me, but I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.
“Will you take a shower with me?”
That was the absolute last thing I expected her to ask.
I quickly wiped the tears off my cheeks. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Then I’d love to.”
She smiled and it was sweet. “Let’s wait until the kids go to sleep.”
“I’ll be countin’ down the minutes.”
Kylie laughed, and the sound penetrated all those cold, dark places inside me that I hadn’t realized were even there.
We hadn’t moved on after her death; we’d merely moved forward.
But it wasn’t until her return that I realized we hadn’t made it very far.
Yeah, we’d been going through the motions.
It helped that we had five kids keeping us busy, giving us something to live for.
But her return had shown me just how little progress I’d made when it came to getting over the loss.
But she was here now, and I did not intend to take for granted what that meant.
Kylie
Rather than wait for Gage to make the first move, I decided to take the reins.
I figured it was the only way to eliminate the awkwardness that was surrounding my invitation from earlier.
Since Travis had yet to come downstairs, I had to assume he’d fallen asleep in one of the kids’ rooms. I remember how we all used to do that.
Getting to my feet, I felt Gage’s eyes on me, but he didn’t move. I paused and looked at him, then held out my hand. He didn’t hesitate before placing his in mine and getting up. Then we were on our way upstairs, hand in hand.