Chapter 17
Seventeen
Sabina
My neck aches and I groan as I push myself up from where I fell asleep on the couch. My ladies are slowly beginning to wake, groaning and rubbing their eyes and necks, much like me.
“Remind me to move to my own room before I drink this much again,” Charlotte complains.
“I haven’t passed out like that since I stole wine from the pantry when I was twelve,” Genevieve says.
“I’ll call for breakfast.” Antonia says as she peels herself off the chair.
“No. No food,” Charlotte says.
“Coffee,” Genevieve adds.
My mouth feels like sandpaper. I pour myself a cup of water, then sip it slowly before downing the whole thing. At least my stomach is stable.
“Oh, your highness,” Antonia calls.
I spin, then regret moving so fast. Caiden is charging into my room, a scowl on his face.
“I have to hear from the maids that you haven’t had your courses?” he hisses.
“What are you upset about?” I demand. “You’re the one who lied to me.”
The ladies fall silent.
“What?” I snap. “You’re having them keep track?”
“Of course, I am. You’re my wife. And any child in your womb would be the heir to this empire.”
I glance around, then look back at him. “This is not the time for this conversation.”
“Yes, it is. It’s been how long since that night we got drunk?” There’s a flicker of hope in his eyes.
“No. It’s not possible. I know what you’re thinking, but my courses are not late. You’ve been misinformed.” I hold my chin high and don’t break his stare.
His jaw tenses and a muscle near his temple bulges. “I am sending a physician today.”
“No.”
“Do you challenge me, wife?”
“You heard me. No physician. I’m not pregnant. I’d know if I were pregnant.”
“If you don’t bleed in the next two weeks, the physician will be summoned. Understand?”
“Fine. But you will bring Anya to me,” I demand.
“We’ll see about that.” He turns and strides toward the door.
It takes me a second before I can make myself follow him. He’s already in the hall when I catch up. Brevan is standing guard but isn’t looking at either of us.
I grab Caiden’s arm. “What do you mean? You promised me. I married you. I did what you asked of me. You assured me she’d be safe. That I’d get to see her.”
“And you will. Once I am satisfied with your loyalty.”
I scoff. “Is this to make me sleep with you?”
“Please. If I want sex, I’ll find it.”
“Then what? Do you just enjoy punishing me?”
“I am your emperor. Your husband.” His eyes flicker to my stomach, then back up. “And until I know the future heir to my kingdom is safe and healthy, you will not see your friend.”
My heart falls into my stomach and I’m too distraught to chase him when he walks away.
Brevan remains in the hall, next to Nate. Both of them appear to be avoiding looking at me.
Then I realize he did this on purpose. Caiden wanted everyone to think I was pregnant. He said it in front of my ladies, citing a night before we were married as the cause. He said it in front of Brevan to hurt him. To hurt me.
But it’s not possible. I haven’t missed a cycle. At least I don’t think I have. My chest tightens. Have I? I can’t recall the last time I bled. What if…I look at the enforcer. He’s still avoiding looking anywhere near me.
“Nate, I need privacy. Can you get me that?”
He glances over at Brevan, then looks at me again, seeming to put it together. Then he nods. “This way, empress.”
I follow him down the hall to another door. He opens it and I step inside. It’s a smaller room. Like one that might be used by a child. A single light glows on the wall near the window. There’s no furniture, not even a rug or a tapestry. It’s abandoned.
Nate leaves, shutting me in the darkened room alone.
My insides clench. No. No. No. I have to get that out of my head. If I am with child…no. I’m not. It’s not possible. I used the herbs. I took precautions. Didn’t I?
Panic rings in my ears. The stolen moments with Brevan weren’t planned. But it would be too soon, wouldn’t it? I’m trying to count. It’s not something I ever worried about. I took the tonic when I was with Lee. He said he did, too, though now I’m not sure I believe him.
The door opens and Brevan closes it behind him. He’s silent as he walks toward me, then stops when he’s close enough to touch me. “Is it true?”
“I—I don’t know. I can’t remember. I wasn’t keeping track,” I admit.
We stand there in silence for a long while. “I never…I want you to know, I was never with—”
“I know,” he cuts in.
“He took Anya,” I say because discussing the other issue is impossible.
“I heard. He didn’t inform me of those plans,” he says.
“Do you know where she is?” I ask.
“I’m working on it,” he admits.
“You’re no longer inner circle,” I say.
“So it appears.”
“He was trying to hurt you, you know. By saying that in front of you.”
“The only part that hurts is the fact that I can’t hold you. I can’t comfort you or touch you or kiss you or…” he grips his hair in frustration, then turns away. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
I reach for him and touch his back gently. He turns around and I throw myself into his arms. He pulls me close, then kisses the top of my head. “I can still get you out of here.”
“No you can’t.” I bury my face against his chest. It’s the first time I’ve felt safe in a long time but it’s a fleeting sensation. I pull myself free from him. “I should go.”
I walk toward the door, desperate to reach the exit before the tears welling in my eyes overflow.
“I’m here. You should know that. I’m still here for you,” he says.
“I know. You’re a loyal guard.”
“You know that’s not what I mean,” he says.
I risk looking back at him, but he’s completely blurred by my tears. “What else can it mean? You’ve sacrificed everything to keep your sister alive. Don’t give it all up now. You’ve come too far.”
“Sabina?”
“You and I both know that’s not my name.” I turn and leave the room.
I didn’t think my heart could break any more than it already had. I was wrong. Apparently, it could continue to shatter every time I see him. How many more times can I endure that before I just stop breathing?
All the hope I’d felt last night is gone. Stolen by Caiden. My hands ball into fists as I march toward my room.
“Empress? Is there anything you need?” Nate asks.
I shake my head, then enter my room, closing the door behind me. My ladies are pale and silent. All of them staring at me as if I’m about to explode.
“He’s lying.”
“Are you sure?” Genevieve asks.
“No.”
Charlotte walks toward me, a velvet drawstring bag in her hands. “It might be early enough that this would work. You make it into tea. Drink it every two hours.”
I accept the bag from her, but stare at it, uncertain. What if I am with child? Brevan’s child. The man I love but can’t have.
Then I remember Ludis’ threat. Any child of mine would have to live in Iskvaland. That can not happen. I need him gone. One way or another.
I look up at my ladies and find Genevieve. “You think you can get close enough to the prince of Iskvaland?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure you want to try?”
“It’s this or an old man chosen by the emperor. Without my parents, there’s nobody to speak for me,” she says.
I swallow hard. “We can’t let him become king. If we can’t stop Caiden before he gets the Iskvalandian army, I’m not sure there’s anything any of us could do.”
“Alright. Can you get me an introduction?” she asks.
“Yes. But he’s…He’s different than he was when we were together. I’m not sure how he’d treat you.”
“I’ll take my chance,” she says.
I nod then my mind moves to find distractions. Planning. Fixing. Making progress somewhere I can control. I begin pacing the room. “We’ll need other plans. Ways to figure out our next steps. Someone told me that I need to find out what’s been hidden from me. But that’s not helpful, of course.”
“Taylan, are you alright?” Charlotte asks. “You know you don’t have to be. You can tell us. You can spend some time worrying about what Caiden said.”
I squeeze the bag in my hands, feeling the sharp herbs poking through the fabric. “I’m fine. I don’t even think it’s possible. I’m certain I haven’t missed my courses.”
“You’re sure?” she asks.
I nod.
“Would you like us to order you some tea?” Antonia offers. “You just got here. You can take one day to think. To breathe.”
She’s not wrong. If I move too quickly, I risk making decisions out of fear. I should slow down, make a plan. “I think I’ll take a bath. With everything last night, I never did.” I walk toward one of the doors.
“It’s the other one,” Charlotte says. “Do you want help?”
“No, you all rest. I’ll be out in a bit.” The bag in my hand feels like a weight.
When I enter the bathing room, I set it on the counter, then drain the water from last night. I feel guilty as I fill it again, but I need the distraction. The time alone. And I’m filthy from travel.
As I step into the water, I try to count again. All the days have blurred together. I haven’t even been here that long. How could any maid possibly know my cycle yet?
I sink below the surface, desperate to empty my mind. To think about anything else. I’m supposed to be solving problems for a goddess. I’m supposed to bring down an empire. Kill an emperor. Again. Still. Whatever.
How could I have been so foolish? I was so careful all those years. Then again, Brevan had a way of making me forget everything else. He was dangerous that way.
But avoiding him was causing me just as many distractions. He practically threw himself at me a few minutes ago. Because he thought I was carrying his baby. That was guilt. Not love.
I have to get him out of my mind. He could cost me everything. He might have already cost me everything. I can’t give in to him and lose Anya. Or risk his sister. We both deserve to be happy, but neither of us will find that if those we care about die for us.
I pop up from the water and take a deep breath.
I know where Anya is.