Chapter 20
Twenty
Sabina
“I’ll be right there,” I assure my ladies as they leave the greenhouse. Nate leads them back to the winter estate.
“What did you need to show me?” Brevan asks.
I guide him toward the end of the path, then point to the corner. He must see it immediately because he tenses. “Is it the same plant?”
“Yes.” My chest feels tight.
“Do you think it came from here? Could it survive for a few days?”
“Maybe? I’m not sure. I just know what it is from those books in my old rooms at the castle. The ones left behind there,” I admit.
“There were books about plants?”
“You didn’t know that?” I ask.
“I saw a couple of books, I never checked them.”
“There’s more.” I toy with the fabric of my sleeve, unsure of how to start this.
He’s going to be upset either way. “I didn’t tell you about something I found in the tunnels under the castle.
After you caught me, I figured it didn’t matter.
None of us would be able to get down there.
But there’s a garden underground. The plants are thriving.
There’s no sun, no water. I don’t know how it’s there or how they’re alive.
It was overgrown, like it had been there a long time. ”
His jaw tenses. “I wish you’d have told me before we had that caved in.”
“I know. And it probably isn’t connected, but the plants growing there were all poisonous. Someone didn’t want anyone to find out they were growing those.”
“That is incredibly concerning. I’ll see if I can find any other entrances to the tunnels. Have them investigated,” he says.
“Can you trust any of the other men?” I ask.
“Some of them, possibly. But I’m not always the best judge of that.”
I wince, but he does too.
“I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”
“But it’s true. It’s something that will always be there between us.” I brush against him as I walk back the way I came.
He follows behind me. “What do you think of Nate?”
“He’s hiding something, for sure,” I say. “But I have this strange feeling that he’s not dangerous.”
“This is from the same woman who dated the prince of Iskvaland?” he asks skeptically.
I glance over my shoulder. “It’s coming from the same woman who saw the good in you.”
The wind cuts through my dress like a knife as soon as we’re back outside. Nate is holding the door open for us and I hurry inside, rubbing my hands on my arms to send the chill away.
“Hot chocolate?” Antonia suggests.
“Great idea,” Genevieve says.
“I want to go find Elliot. He should be finished with training,” Charlotte says, scurrying away before any of us can question her.
“Is that going to be an issue? I’m happy for her, but should she be so open about it?” I ask the other two.
“No. There’s not really a rule against her dating a guard. It’s just not done often,” Antonia says.
“I can talk to the Emperor for her,” Brevan suggests. “Perhaps he’d give them his blessing?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think we need anything else he can hold over my head.”
Nate clears his throat. I’d forgotten he was there. I turn to him. “Caiden is holding my best friend hostage to get me to do what he wants.”
The guard’s eyes widen.
“Princess,” Brevan hisses a warning.
I ignore him and glance over at Nate. “And now you’re one of us.” I don’t need to tell him all our secrets, but if he thinks he’s part of the inner circle, I suspect I’ll eventually get whatever he is hiding out of him.
“Not sure that was the best way to handle that, princess,” Brevan whispers.
“It can’t be that much of a secret,” I say.
“True,” Brevan concedes.
“Kitchens are this way,” Antonia says. “They have a table in the back near a window where they’ve let us sit a few times.”
“There’s something I must attend to. I’ll find you later,” Brevan says, then he turns to Nate. “Stay with them. Keep them inside the estate.”
Nate nods.
I stare after Brevan until I can’t see him anymore. Genevieve loops her arm through mine. “I want to hear about the wedding. And the ball.”
My cheeks heat. She’s reminding me to play the role. I’m a married woman, not someone who should be obviously pining after the enforcer. Still, I can’t help but give her an exasperated look.
“What? It was supposed to be my first royal Darkfall ball and it would have been my only royal wedding. Unless, of course, Juliette’s new flame becomes serious. You can give a girl some details.” She’s smiling, and I can tell she’s genuinely curious while also distracting me.
“Wait, go back, Juliette found someone? She wasn’t at my wedding. She just vanished. I thought she’d be with all of you.” We walk slowly down the hall and I try to keep my attention on Genevieve, but a group of legionnaires heading our way has me on edge.
“I thought you knew. Apparently, the emperor introduced her to a dignitary from the Shatterlands. She said it was love at first sight, then she asked permission to leave.” She shifts so we’re closer to the right side of the hall, making more room for the oncoming men to pass us.
“Hold on, there was someone from the Shatterlands here? As in, in this estate?” I can’t believe this is the first I’m hearing of this. “And he took Juliette away? And Caiden was fine with it? I wasn’t even gone that long. How did this all happen?”
“It was fast, that’s for sure,” she agrees.
“We never even met him,” Antonia adds.
“And you don’t think it’s suspicious?” I ask her.
“I think Juliette knew what she was doing. She wanted out of this estate and away from…” she lowers her voice, “you know, just everything.”
I sigh. “That makes sense.”
“She said she’d visit soon,” Genevieve adds.
“Does she know…” I stop speaking, aware of the fact that we’re about to pass the legionaries. There’s maybe twenty of them, marching in pairs, all of them watching us.
“Tell me about your dress,” Genevieve blurts, too loudly.
I give her a grateful smile, then attempt to sound excited about my wedding. “Well, my dress was stunning, even if it was black and white.”
The guards pass us, none of them hiding their long inspections of our colorful dresses. Many of them turning their heads as they pass to continue to gawk.
Maybe the color wasn’t such a nice gesture. It made us easier to spot. “And of course Caiden looked handsome as usual,” I say as if I’m a lovesick teenager, if only to remind the men passing us that we’re protected by the emperor. A few of them do remove their eyes from us.
“The ball was stunning, but I fell ill after the ceremony and had to return to my rooms.”
“That’s too bad. I’ve heard the balls are pure debauchery,” Genevieve says. “Not that you could participate in such things as a married woman.”
I laugh.
“We’ll all be too old for that by next darkfall,” Antonia says.
“That’s true. We’ll probably all be married. Maybe even have children.” Genevieve sucks in a breath as soon as the words leave her mouth.
I tense. That was the last thing I wanted to think about. “Are we near the kitchen?”
“It’s just down here,” Antonia says, guiding us the rest of the way.
We’re silent for the remainder of the walk and it gives me a moment to realize that I’m grateful for Genevieve’s distractions and direction. She helped me continue to play the role, something that was getting harder than I thought it would be now that so many know the truth.
I could have made a mistake that might have drawn unnecessary attention to me. There’s no reason to believe I’d be protected if I created a scandal for Caiden. Or worse, made him look foolish. I’d be dead without a second thought.
My chest constricts and something profound strikes me.
I don’t want to die.
The thought is so absurd I nearly dismiss it. I can’t imagine what I’m living for beyond revenge and saving my friends, but even without those threats, there’s a strange little flicker of hope where there shouldn’t be.
When was the last time I wanted to live? And not just survive, but truly live. I want to find a way to make things better. Beyond revenge, beyond my own selfish ends.
But I have no idea how I’m supposed to do that. Or if that’s what Mara wants from me. How can I bring destruction and make things better at the same time?
The kitchen staff is thrilled to have us visit. The head maid orders us to sit and they bring us hot chocolate and slices of cake that were probably meant for dinner.
Nate stands awkwardly near the door. When one of the staff refills our cups, I gesture toward him. “Can you please take him some hot chocolate?”
She smiles. “Of course.”
All three of us watch as Nate tries to politely decline the drink, but when he notices us all staring at him, nodding our heads, he accepts.
There’s something sweet about him. At least I hope there is.
I’m not always the best judge of character.
But then again, as I pointed out to Brevan, I saw through him, didn’t I?
There is a good man in there, I’m certain of it.
And then there was Katherine. She was better than anyone else I’ve ever met.
But her choice to work with me got her killed.
I shove the memory away. I’m not ready to deal with that right now. One day, I will sit and think about what she sacrificed. Try to find a way to properly honor her and her family. But right now, I don’t have it in me. I think that makes me a coward. It should be her here instead of me.
“Everything alright?” Antonia asks.
I blink a few times and realize I’m holding my cup halfway to my mouth, just frozen in place. I set the cup down, then force a smile. “Yes, I’m fine. Just thinking.”
She nods, her expression serious. I suspect she spends a lot of her time thinking as well.
We spend the rest of the day wandering the estate. While it’s much smaller than the castle, it’s just as easy to get lost in.
Charlotte finds us in the music room while Antonia plays the harp. Genevieve takes a turn on the piano. When Charlotte sings along, I think I understand how any man would be instantly charmed by her. Her voice is pure sunshine.
The girls take turns trying to teach me various instruments and I attempt to play them, badly.
“My father played the fiddle, but he never taught me. He’d play these tunes that made you want to spin and dance.” I smile at the memory.
“Didn’t you ever sing?” Charlotte asks.
“No. But he did. I didn’t realize how much I missed that. It’s strange. How you think you’ll get to hear those songs and those voices forever, and then one day, they’re gone.”
“Do we know any of the songs?” Antonia asks. “I can’t play the fiddle but maybe I can play on the piano for you.”
“I can play,” Nate offers. “I know a few Iskvalandian songs. Maybe one of them is something your father knew?”
“Thank you.” I did it again. Just discussing my real life as if there was nobody around who might be suspicious. It was like I just forgot he was there. Did I always do that or was he just more quiet than other guards?
For someone saying she wants to live, I’m making a lot of stupid mistakes.
My ladies settle onto the plush stools, leaving the armchair for me. It feels too much like a throne for my taste, but I try to make myself look like I’m used to such luxury while everyone else takes the less comfortable seats.
Nate crosses the room, his sword swinging by his side. He chooses a fiddle from the wall, then with the practiced movements of someone familiar with the instrument, he begins to play.
The first song is slow, sorrowful, but also beautiful. It’s intimate. Personal. I can’t take my eyes off the way he moves so gracefully with the instrument. Like the bow is part of him and they’re partners in a dance. None of us speak.
When he finishes the song, we’re quiet longer than we should be before I clap. “That was beautiful.”
He inclines his head. “Thank you, your highness. Did it sound familiar to you?”
“I can’t say it did. When I was younger, the slower songs didn’t hold my attention I’m afraid.”
He grins. “Then let’s try this.” With rapid movements, he transforms the notes into something entirely different. Jaunty and playful, the tune is like a celebration.
And it’s one I know.
I clap along, the smile on my face genuine. At some point, I begin to sing along quietly. It’s Iskvalandian, but it’s a memory. It was a common song in my village growing up, but I’d forgotten it. It’s as if a moment of my childhood was unlocked from my mind.
Nate taps his toe, completely absorbed in the music. When he catches sight of me singing, he lights up and begins to sing himself.
The others clap along, laughing and joyful. Genevieve and Charlotte get up and dance, spinning each other around until the music ends.
We’re flushed and giggling and having so much fun that when the lamps around us begin to glow, I’m startled back to reality. It’s nearly dark, we’ve been here most of the day.
“That was such fun,” Charlotte says.
“What was the song about?” Genevieve asks.
I open my mouth, then close it, realizing I hadn’t stopped to think about the lyrics. As soon as I consider them, panic swims inside me making me feel sick.
“It’s just a simple drinking tune.” Nate catches my eye, then looks away.
We both know that song is not a drinking tune. It’s dangerous. The kind of song that can get you killed. That song is pure treason, and me singing it was bad enough. But how the fuck does he even know that song and why would he be brave or stupid enough to sing it here?