Chapter 25
Twenty-Five
Sabina
There’s a whole stack of books in front of me, but I can’t focus enough to read any of them. I’m vaguely aware of the conversations happening around me, but they’re somewhere far away. It’s like I’m not here.
I’m in Brevan’s arms. In his bed. Our legs entwined, our hands exploring, our mouths…
“Your Majesty?”
Antonia elbows me, and I look up with a start. My whole body lights up at the sight of him, and I don’t try to mask my smile.
“Enforcer, what can we do for you?” Antonia says, her tone reminding me of my place.
Charlotte giggles, then buries her face into the crook of her elbow to silence herself. I hurry to fix my expression. Just because my ladies figured it out, doesn’t mean I need to make it obvious for anyone else.
Besides, as far as anyone knows, I’m a perfectly loyal married woman. Even if my husband is finding his pleasure elsewhere.
“Can I speak to you for a moment? There’re a few things we need to discuss before the emperor and I leave,” he says.
“Oh, of course.” I leave my chair and follow him into the hall. Nate, who’s been standing nearby watching us in the library, moves so he can see us but doesn’t join us in the hall.
“You’re leaving soon?” I ask.
“Yes. They’re already preparing the horses.”
“I hope your journey is safe and that your sister is well. Will you check on Anya for me? I don’t know if he’ll allow her back, but the things he said about your sister…”
“I will see what I can do about Anya. I’m sure she’s fine. But I don’t have a lot of time.”
“Of course. What did you need to tell me?” My chest is so full of fluttering that it might explode. Even if I can’t touch him, can’t tell him what I really want to say, knowing he’s mine again means everything.
He retrieves a pouch from his pocket and hands it to me. My brow furrows. “What is this?”
“Herbs. They told me you might be a little nauseous, but otherwise it should eliminate the uh…the…”
I hold the bag out to him. “Don’t worry. My courses returned this morning. I’m not pregnant.”
He lets out a long breath, then returns the bag to his pocket. “Good.”
“Was that it? Was that what you wanted to tell me?” I want there to be more, but I know how dangerous it is already for us to be talking like this.
“No. There’s something else.” His expression suddenly hardens, his body tenses.
I take a step back automatically, and the flutters turn to twisting anxiety. Something is wrong. “What is it?”
“I was wrong. Last night was a mistake.”
“You’ve said that before,” I tease.
“Yes, because it’s the right call. You showed up, and I was craving company. You offered release, I took it.” His words are cold and impersonal.
My brow furrows. “You can’t be serious.”
“You’re another man’s wife, Sabina. When I think about you, all I can see is Caiden’s lips on yours. You belong to him.”
I scoff. “I don’t belong to anyone.”
“Yes, you do. That’s how it works. You’re a woman.
You don’t get to make that choice. You’re Caiden’s.
For gods’ sake, you’re the fucking empress.
You belong to all of Pendralia. And I’m sworn to protect this empire.
Instead, I’m going behind my emperor’s back, my friend’s back, and sleeping with his wife? ”
“You know that wasn’t my choice. I don’t want any of this. I want you. You know that.” I hate the desperation that’s seeping into my voice. I can’t get him back to lose him again.
“You are the most selfish woman I’ve ever met. You want me to sign my sister’s death certificate for you?” He chuckles darkly. “You’re not worth that. You’re not worth her life. You’re not worth the problems you’ll bring when Caiden finds out. And he will find out.”
I can’t breathe. My throat is too tight; my lungs no longer work. I’m trying, desperate to suck in a breath, but they won’t come. The worst part about it is that he’s right.
I’m not worth any of it. I never should have asked this of him. Who was I to put him in this position? It was only a matter of time before he realized how much of a mistake he was making with me.
“Do not show up at my room again, empress. As far as I’m concerned, everything between us ended when I found out who you really are. The Sabina I fell in love with died that night.”
“Empress!”
Someone catches me as I fall, but it’s not Brevan. The man I loved is glaring at me as if I’m nothing. He’s not wrong. I am everything he says I am.
“The emperor will return in a few days. In the meantime, he expects you to remain within the estate walls.” Brevan turns and walks away. He doesn’t look back.
I’m trembling, still unable to breathe. Nate repositions until I’m leaning against his chest, then he pulls me into his arms. “It’s alright. You’re alright.”
His soothing words float over me and around me. Like they’re being said to someone else. They’re not attached to anything or anyone. I’m not anything or anyone. My knees give out and he grips me, keeping me upright. “I’ve got you.”
“What’s wrong with her?” Antonia cries.
“She just received some news. They’re going to get Anya,” he says.
I work to steady my breathing. I can’t let my ladies see me like this. It’s so fucking pathetic. Losing control over a man I hardly knew. Nate senses that I’m steady again, and he releases me.
My face is wet from tears I didn’t recall crying. I wipe them away and force a smile.
Antonia pulls me in for a hug. “I’m so happy for you!” After she steps back, she keeps her hands on my shoulders as if she knows I’m still a little unsteady.
I get the sense that she suspects Nate was covering for me, but she doesn’t let on. “We should throw her a party. Come on, the others will want to hear this news.” She guides me back to the library where Genevieve and Charlotte are watching us with wide eyes.
“Anya’s on her way back!” Antonia announces.
The others gasp and clap and cheer. The atmosphere is suddenly charged with joy. I lean into it, using it as a mask to cover the heartbreak.
Anya is not returning; I am almost certain of that. There’s no way Caiden would bring her here. He doesn’t trust me, and I don’t blame him. Nobody should trust me.
Antonia pulls me close then whispers. “Organize an event. Buy dresses and flowers and fancy food. That’s what they expect of an empress. Play the part so they don’t notice everything else.”
I lift my chin and step away from her. “So, what kind of a celebration should we host?”
“We should do something Anya would enjoy. She’s your best friend, what does she like?” Genevieve asks.
“Well, if the weather was better, I’d say something outdoors,” I manage to say without my voice cracking.
“What if we use the greenhouse? Set up tables out there?” Charlotte suggests.
“That’s a great idea!” Genevieve says. “I can ask the head maid if we can do that. There should be room if we keep it small.”
“I think she’d like that,” I say. “She’d prefer a small group, anyway. Just us is good.”
“You sure you don’t want something more extravagant?” Genevieve asks.
“Smaller is good practice for me,” I reply.
“Genevieve and Charlotte, you two go find the head maid and the groundskeeper. See what they can arrange for us. Sabina and I will go to the kitchens to ask about a celebration lunch,” Antonia directs.
“What’s this I hear about Anya returning?” Ludis asks as he strolls into the room.
My insides shrivel. This day keeps getting worse. With a heavy sigh, I turn to face him. “You realize this is a library? I know it’s new to you, but it’s a place for books and reading.”
He approaches the table with a confident smile. Like he owns the place. “Your insults haven’t gotten any better, dear sister.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I thought I’d see what the rest of the court was up to. The prince and his right-hand henchman left me behind with all you lovely ladies.”
Genevieve giggles and my stomach rolls. Then I remember she’s doing it on purpose. Well done.
He gives her a smile that makes my insides churn. “If I can be of assistance, please let me know. I’m at your disposal.”
Her cheeks actually turn pink, and she looks away shyly. She’s very, very convincing. I absolutely underestimated her. What else could she be hiding from me?
Antonia links her arm with mine. “Well, maybe you can help Charlotte and Genevieve with securing the greenhouse for our girls only luncheon? Sabina and I are working on the other details.”
“I’m happy to,” he says. “Shall we, ladies?”
Charlotte and Genevieve offer the warm smiles of practiced courtiers as they leave their seats to join him.
“We’ll catch up with you later,” Antonia calls as she leads me from the room. Nate follows, but keeps his distance. Still, Antonia keeps her voice low. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“Did he hurt you?” she asks. “The enforcer?”
“Of course not. He was informing me about his journey. And reminding me we have to maintain our distance. If you and the ladies already noticed my infatuation with him, others surely have. We can’t be seen together.”
“So, you’ll have to be more careful,” she says.
“No. There’s nothing going on between us. I’m a married woman.”
“And the prince has plenty to hold over you,” she guesses.
“I’d rather not discuss either of them right now. They’re not here. I think we should enjoy that while we can.” I flash her a forced smile that I know she sees right through.
She nods. “Alright. Then to the kitchens.”
“You know Anya isn’t coming back, right?” I say.
“She will, eventually.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure Caiden will release her. And what if she’s already dead?” My eyes widen in surprise as soon as the words leave my mouth.
“Why would she be dead?” Antonia asks.
“No reason. I’m just worried.” I bite down on my lip to prevent from saying any more.
I might not get to be with Brevan, but I could protect his secret.
Caiden had called Brevan’s sister a murderer, but what could a woman who’d been a captive since childhood actually do to harm anyone?
And if she had, maybe it was while trying to escape.
I couldn’t exactly blame her for that. It wasn’t like I was innocent.
“Try not to worry. Come on, there’s something I think you should see.”