Chapter 38
Thirty-Eight
Sabina
Anya’s sleeping peacefully again when I finally leave her side.
My whole body aches from sitting in the chair for so long, but I wasn’t about to let her know I was uncomfortable.
With each application of the salve, the swelling has improved.
I’m hoping when she wakes in the morning, it’ll be gone, and she can leave her eyes open tomorrow.
I wander into Caiden’s main chambers. His bed is still untouched, and I wonder if that means he didn’t sleep in it or if the servants came and tidied it while I was with Anya.
He’s sitting on the couch in front of the fire. As soon as he hears me, he sets down the book he was reading.
“Did I interrupt?” I ask.
“No, of course not.” He stands. “Should I send for dinner?”
“What’s your game here, Caiden?” I move closer to him, half expecting him to flee.
“What do you mean?” He matches me by closing the distance between us.
I hold my ground, unwilling to be the one to fold. “You know exactly what I mean.”
“If you’re referring to me being kind to you…”
“And kind to my friend,” I say, then add, “after being the one who put her in danger in the first place.”
“I keep telling you, I take my role as your husband seriously.”
“That’s a lie. You were bedding other women without qualms,” I point out.
“And not a single one of them helped me forget you or that you wanted nothing to do with me.” He steps back, then turns away from me.
I tense, confused by his reaction. I can’t read this man and that fucking terrifies me.
“What if people can be better than they were taught to be?” he says quietly.
“Are you saying you’ve changed? That you’re not the same man who killed Katherine and sent Anya away when I needed her the most? The same man who forced me to marry him?” I don’t believe him. I can’t. He hasn’t given me a single reason to trust him.
He faces me then grabs his book. “I’ll sleep in your quarters. You can have mine as long as you like. But I want to ask one thing of you.”
I scoff. “I knew it. I knew there was a reason for all this.”
“Let me help you with your magic,” he says.
“What?” That was the last thing I expected him to say.
“I heard what happened with one of your ladies. I know how devastated you’d be if something worse happened to her.”
I think back to Matron Lara’s warning. Caiden has the same kind of magic as I do; it makes sense for him to help me.
Don’t fight it, Mara’s voice floats around me, and I glance to the fireplace. The flames are normal. When I look back at Caiden, I can tell he didn’t hear anything. Just me.
With a sigh, I nod. “Alright. Yes. I’d like that.”
“Good. I’ll send Yasmin to watch over Anya after breakfast and we can begin then,” he says.
It’s a reasonable request that must have ulterior motives, but it benefits me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I sit next to Anya until she wakes from her nap.
In an effort to keep her spirits up, we reminisce about our favorite festival days and the way our old apartment always smelled like brown sugar on Saturdays when the cafe below us made sweet rolls.
Back then, we couldn’t afford to eat the treats and now, I could order as many as I want.
I adjust my position in my seat as shame makes my face hot.
Some days it felt like I traded in a vow of revenge for luxury.
When Anya starts to yawn, I find the salve and help her prepare for the evening. “I might not be here when you wake if you sleep late,” I say casually.
“You’ve been here since I got back, it’s alright if you need to step out.” She pulls her blankets up to her chest, then smoothes them out.
“I told Caiden I’d work on my magic with him.” I don’t know why it was so hard to tell her, but as soon as the words are out, I’m relieved.
“You must have left the part where your magic manifested when you were catching me up.” She lifts her eyebrows and gives me a judgmental stare.
“I know but you’d been through a lot.” With a sigh, I begin with the shadows appearing in my bedroom, skipping the part with Brevan. Nobody but the two of us needs to know that story.
As I continue, her jaw practically on the table as she listened.
“Do you think you can learn to control it?” she asks after a long silence.
“I hope so,” I say. “I think it would help.”
“With your revenge plot,” she says.
I swallow hard. “That too.”
“You don’t sound very confident about that part anymore,” she says. “Why do I get the feeling that we’re not going to be on the next boat out of here after I’m healed?”
“Because there’s more to all of this. Something they’re not telling us,” I start.
“Of course there is. This whole place is brimming with corruption and betrayal.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I should tell her about Mara, but how do you tell your best friend that a goddess has tasked you with a mystery job? It would be a lot easier to explain when I know what the job is.
“So what is it? Are you—do you have feelings for the new emperor?” Her eyes go wide.
“No, of course not,” I blurt. “It’s not that.
I think there’s more that I’m supposed to do.
I’m so close to finding answers, I can feel it.
About magic and relics, why the king was immortal, how things used to be here, and why they aren’t like that anymore.
Did you know that there’re places where people are just born with magic? ”
“Really?”
“Yes. But that doesn’t happen here. Why is that?” I ask.
“And you think you need to be the one to solve all these mysteries,” she asks skeptically.
“I do,” I admit, maybe for the first time.
“So you can’t kill the emperor because he might have the answers?” she asks. “Or is it that you like being empress?”
“You know that has nothing to do with it. But if I killed him, it would be chaos. I’d be locked out of the resources I need.” I almost don’t believe the words I’m saying. The excuses I’m making.
“That’s how it starts, isn’t it? It’s nice having everything you need or want at your fingertips.” She grabs the salve container from my hands.
“You know that is not it at all,” I snap.
“Sure. Of course not. I’m tired. I think I should sleep.”
I hate the way she’s looking at me, but I don’t blame her. After everything she endured because of me, I don’t know if I’d trust a friend who wanted to stay around the people who’d hurt me.
I grab the tray that’s on the edge of her bed from our earlier dinner then carry it to the other room. I look out at the setting sun as I place it on the table in front of the window. I have a feeling it might be a long night.
Her eyes are closed when I return to her room. “Anya?”
She hums, but she already has the salve spread on her eyes.
“I need you to trust me, alright? There’re some things I can’t say yet.
Mostly because you might think I’m insane.
But also, because I can’t quite explain it.
I promise, I’m going to make things better.
And when it’s all over, you and I will get on that ship if that’s what you still want. ” I wait, hoping she understands.
Finally, she smiles, then nods. “Alright. I trust you, Tay, I do. If there’s anything I can help with… Well, you know, when I can leave this bed, let me know.”
I cross to her and give her a hug. “Thank you.”
She hugs me back. “Your mom always used to say that you were destined for greatness.”
I chuckle as I release her. “That was her trying to guilt me into doing more for the rebellion.”
“I don’t think it was. I think she saw something in you,” Anya says.
I smile, then my throat tightens. It’s been a long time since I’ve thought of any of my family without forcing the memory away. A tear catches me by surprise, and I wipe it away quickly.
“It’s safe to miss them,” she whispers.
“Not yet. But soon.” I kiss the top of her head. Soon, I’ll let it all out, but not until I know I’ve made them proud.
I settle into the chair next to her and take her hand. She’s asleep in minutes, but I stare out the window next to her bed until the moons rise.
Anya is still asleep when the sun wakes me. I tiptoe from her room, letting her rest. As I walk into the larger bedchamber, I rub my neck for a minute, trying to work out the soreness from sleeping in a chair. I stop as soon as I notice that there’s something different about the bed today.
A tunic and trousers are spread neatly across the surface with a pair of sturdy boots on the floor in front of them. I suppose that’s better than trying to use my magic in the same nightgown I’ve been wearing for two days.
It is a thoughtful touch by Caiden; I have to admit.
But I know there’s only so long someone can hide their true nature.
As I change, I think back to my relationship with Ludis.
There were signs even from the beginning, but I ignored them.
Made excuses for them. And the longer we were together, the more excuses I made.
He’d slip and I’d see pieces of the real him.
I didn’t know it at the time. I was so in love with him that I dismissed it. Who wants to admit the man they love isn’t who they thought they were. By the end, he couldn’t pull me back into the false identity, and I walked away. But it took losing my family to start seeing the cracks.
I won’t let that happen again. I’m not in love with Caiden, so it shouldn’t be an issue. If I pay attention, I should be able to figure out what his intentions are.
The knock on the door is quiet, cautious. I open it, and Caiden is waiting for me with Yasmin as promised.
“We didn’t want to wake anyone,” Caiden explains.
“She’s still asleep,” I reply. “Please, come in.”
“That’s normal.” Yasmin steps into the room. “She’ll be tired for a few more days while her body is healing.”
Caiden is still in the hallway. “Are you ready?”
“Go on, I’ll take good care of her,” Yasmin promises.
I hesitate for a moment, then step into the hallway.
“Good morning, Your Majesty,” Nate says.
“Good morning, Nate. Can you please make sure nobody else goes in there until we return?” I ask.
“Of course,” he says.
Caiden glances at the guard, then begins down the hall. I follow, waiting for the inevitable comment. It doesn’t come. The silence starts to wear at me.
“Are you going to ignore me the whole morning?” I finally ask.
“I wasn’t sure what you wanted to discuss,” he says.
“No rude comment or threats about my guard?” I ask.
“Is there something I should be concerned about?” He looks over at me.
“Of course not,” I say.
“That’s the guard who helped find you in the woods that night, isn’t it?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Then I’m glad he’s at your door. At least I know he’s good at his job,” he says.
I shut my mouth and walk in silence for a while, utterly perplexed by the change in Caiden’s behavior. Did someone else return in his place? Maybe Brevan’s sister was really a shape-shifter and it’s her I’m walking out of the estate with.
“There’s a barn we used to practice in when we were younger. It’s away from prying eyes. I’d like to take you there,” he says.
“Alright.” I’m studying him as we walk, trying to get anything I can from the way he takes each step, the swing of his arms, or the way his eyes are constantly scanning around us.
By the time we reach the barn, I’m more confused. Where are the threats? The innuendo? The wine?
The building looks like it’s held together by wishful thinking, and I suspect one big storm could send everything toppling down. Still, there’s something charming about it.
“You said you practiced out here when you were a child?” I ask as we step into the space. Dappled sunlight spreads across the ground, coming in from various holes and gaps in the roof.
“It was one of the few places my father wouldn’t look for us,” he says. “I used to hide here often. After the accident.”
“What accident?” I hate myself for taking the bait, but here I am.
“I’m sure you’ve heard the stories. About how I’d kill puppies and torture animals.” He moves in a slow circle, taking in the building as if it’s been a while since he’d last seen it.
“I might have heard something mentioned,” I admit.
He looks at me. “You lost control and your friend got hurt. I lost control and killed every living thing in the stables outside the castle.”
“Oh, gods.” I cover my mouth with my hand.
“I’m lucky there weren’t any people in there at the time. I couldn’t sleep so I went to check on my dog and her new litter of puppies. She had to stay in the stables. My father never allowed animals in the house.”
“They were your puppies?” I ask.
“Yes. I loved that dog. And I was excited to train the pups, hoping I could eventually convince my father to allow them inside.” He smiles, but it’s sad and fades quickly. “Anyway, it’s a really awful way for magic to manifest. It showed up for the first time, and I lost control.”
I reach for him to comfort him, but pull my hand back. I’m not sure if he wants sympathy or if my touch would make it worse. He doesn’t seem to notice and after a moment of staring at nothing, he looks back at me. “Well, we should get started. Can’t have you killing me on accident, can we?”