Chapter 39
Thirty-Nine
Sabina
“I know your shadows came when you were with your friend,” Caiden begins. “Was there anything that might have triggered it? Were you arguing or were you…” he gulps, “aroused?”
“In a temple? I would never.” My cheeks heat, but not for the reason he probably thinks they are. He does not need to know about that.
“Alright. I suppose it could have been the temple itself. My mother always said she could feel the presence of the gods in her temples,” he says.
“That must be it,” I agree.
“Any other times? It helps if we can find something that brings them forward. Usually, it’s an emotion, at least at first.”
“One other time, while I was alone in my room,” I admit.
“Can you recall what you were thinking about? Were you angry or sad or…anything?”
“I think I might have been sad. But I don’t want to have to go there every time I want to use my gift.”
“You won’t forever. But we need a starting place. There are other options to reach heightened emotions that could also reveal the magic if you’re open to—”
“No. That’s not happening.”
He smirks. “You can’t blame me for trying.”
“This was a terrible idea.” I turn toward the door but he catches my hand and despite his offer just now, the touch doesn’t make my skin crawl.
“I won’t do it again,” he promises.
I pull my hand away, but turn toward him. “Alright. I’m leaving if you do.”
He nods. “We’ll go with sorrow for now.”
I frown, hating the idea of making myself sad on purpose.
“You probably didn’t notice where your power originated when it just showed up, did you?” he guesses.
I think for a moment, then shake my head.
“The first step is to find out how it feels inside you. How it manifests and how it behaves in your body. Everyone is different so we can’t just create a rule that works every time.”
“How does it feel for you?” I ask.
“It’s like opening a box, and pulling it free. The first few times, it just exploded. But after that, it was much harder to reach. I think I suppress it naturally so I have to actively bring it forward.”
“That sounds like it might slow you down when you really need it,” I comment.
“It did, at first. Now, I do it without thinking, It’s like breathing,” he explains.
I can’t imagine controlling the gift like that. It feels like this volatile, foreign thing right now. A rush of energy surges through me and I feel a bit like I’m vibrating. The idea of that much power, of controlling it, is intoxicating.
“We start by triggering it, then sitting with it so you can study how it reacts, where it comes from. I guess, maybe you should sit?”
“Is this your first time teaching?” I ask.
“I wouldn’t do this for anyone but you.” He clears his throat. “Over there, there’s a crate you can use.”
I ignore the fluttering in my stomach as I walk to the crate. It’s covered in dirt and leaves so I brush them off, then sit.
“You can close your eyes, or not. Whatever it is you need to do to make yourself sad. When you start to feel the magic, don’t fight it. Encourage it if you can, but pay attention to where it is in your body. How it forms. All the details you can.”
Tingling sweeps up the back of my neck. “Are you going to watch me?”
“I’ll step outside,” he offers.
I watch him until he’s out of sight, then swallow hard. I’ve spent most of my life suppressing my emotions, especially any that are sad. After my brothers died, I took it to the extreme of drinking to the point of numbness. Somehow I have to bypass that and force myself to sit in that discomfort?
Maybe it’s better to call Caiden back in and try another method.
My face burns. How could I possibly think that being intimate with Caiden was better than letting myself feel sorrow?
I rest my elbows on my knees, then lean forward to rest my head in my hands. My brothers would be so disappointed in me. Not only was I being weak by shoving my emotions away, I was forgetting them. Disallowing myself to feel the pain of their loss also meant I tried not to remember them.
Their faces flash in my memory, as they were before they passed. Full of life and laughter. Always plotting something, first it was mischief as children, then it became missions for the rebels as adults. Even when they were injured, they found ways to make everyone around them laugh.
But it wasn’t always games and jokes. They were cunning and decisive when needed.
Their quick wits saved more than just their own lives over the years.
And they always made me feel supported. Even when I wasn’t following in their footsteps as they hoped I would.
Felix was the one I turned to if I ever needed advice, but Simon was the one I turned to when I wanted tough love.
My chest aches and a cold chill shivers down my spine. Gods, I could really use their advice right now.
Then again, maybe I wouldn’t want to hear it. They’d be furious that I’m getting lessons from Caiden because I should have already killed him.
Anger twists with sorrow into a cocktail that makes my head spin and my limbs feel leaden. How could you, Taylan? The back of my throat stings and my eyes burn as I scold myself. What happened to you? Coward. Pretender. Traitor.
The tightness in my chest gives way to something else. Something primal and dark. I’ve felt it before, a twisting, churning tangle of chaos. It’s like pure energy mixed with my own breath, writhing and clawing at my insides.
There you are.
The movement shifts, igniting like a spark at the acknowledgement.
It’s as if it wanted me to find it. I hold on to it, letting all the other thoughts tumble from my mind.
It’s blissfully empty and the darkness roars to life, enveloping me like an old friend.
I suck in a sharp breath as my pulse races in response, but there’s a gentle undercurrent that’s more soothing. As if the gift itself is reassuring me.
I open my eyes to see shadows swirling around my ankles, billowing up to my knees. Rising to my feet, I reach out and the dark tendrils weave around my fingers, then circle my wrists and arms. They feel like a soft breeze, the gentle caress of a lover’s touch.
But as they coil and swirl around me, I can sense the danger lurking in their wispy darkness.
Caiden appears in the doorway, a proud smile on his lips. “Well done.”
“Now what?” I ask.
He steps into the room. “Now, we work on calling them, and then sending them away. If you can’t summon them when you need them, they’re no good.
It’s worse to have magic with no control than to have none at all.
If it comes at the wrong time, it’s just as likely to cause harm to you as it is to protect you. ”
“Alright.” I spread my fingers wide, then call the shadows back to me. They’re reluctant, as if they want to stay and play. I find myself promising them they can return soon. That I’ll bring them out more often.
They seem to like that, and they begin to dissipate.
Caiden assesses me with lifted brows. “How did you do that so quickly?”
“I told them to return,” I say.
“That was it?”
“Is that wrong?”
“No, that’s excellent. I think I was right about you. You’re going to be extremely powerful. I don’t love the fact that you’re not really on my side.”
My chest tightens. “You could let me go, you know. When Anya’s better, we can leave. You know I’ll disappear and leave you be.”
“No, I can’t do that.”
Can’t, not won’t. I wait, but he doesn’t elaborate. “Why? You know this isn’t a real marriage.”
“I don’t need to tell you everything, Taylan.” His tone is blunt but there’s a hint of frustration. “Besides, we both know Anya isn’t the only one you care about keeping alive.”
“Thank you.”
His brow furrows. “For what?”
“For reminding me who you are. I almost forgot. Almost started to see you as someone you’re not.
” My fingers tingle and that darkness returns in my chest. Only this time, it’s a slithering, seething thing that’s begging to come out.
I shove it down, concerned about how different it feels from the shadows I just released.
“Believe what you want to about me. Just know two things,” he holds up a finger, “I am not my father,” then another finger, “and I will explain everything when I get confirmation that my evidence is accurate.”
“If you want someone’s help, it’s better to include them,” I say.
“Like you include me?”
“I was sent to kill you, remember?”
He grins. “Oh, I remember. How’s that working out for you?”
I scoff. “I think we’re done here for today.”
He moves in front of me and I sidestep him, but he moves again.
“We are not done. What you just did shows me how powerful you are.” He steps so close to me, I can feel the breath from his words.
“It might not look like much, but that little show of yours should have taken weeks to accomplish. You don’t learn to master this and next time you lose control, someone could die. ”
My heart thunders against my ribs. I tell myself it’s because of his warning and not because of how close he’s standing to me. I back up, giving myself some distance. “Fine. But none of this is for you or your plans. This is to ensure my friend’s safety.”
“Of course,” he inclines his head in a small bow, “whatever you say, little raven.”
I scowl at the nickname. It’s been a while, but I think I prefer it to the far too personal use of Taylan.
“Now, let’s see if you can do that again.” He gestures toward the crate. “I recommend sitting while you summon today. It can get overwhelming.”
I almost refuse, just to prove a point, but if I get hurt it only harms me. With a sigh, I return to the crate.
“Go on, then. Maybe this time you can use your hatred for me to motivate those shadows.”
I glare at him, already feeling the magic simmering below the surface.
I’m able to call to them with ease, and they’re circling my wrists and flowing from me as if they never left.
Fuck. I hate that he’s the reason my magic is rising effortlessly, but at least I don’t have to force myself into my past.
“Good.” He nods, approvingly. “Now send them away.”