Chapter 42
Forty-Two
Sabina
Caiden’s expression immediately shows concern when he sees me. Wordlessly, he opens the door wide enough for me to enter, then closes it behind me.
I stop in the middle of the room, wondering why I came here. Caiden crosses to me slowly, then waits in front of me. He reaches for me, then pulls his arm back. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”
I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around his waist while burying my face into his chest. He doesn’t hesitate this time, and he pulls me against him, enveloping me in a comforting embrace.
We stand there like that for a long while, and he holds me. There’s no expectation in his touch. No demands or questions. No attempts at pushing it into something more.
Caiden pulls away enough that he can look at me, then brushes the hair from my face. “What happened, Taylan?”
When he wipes the tears from my cheeks, it’s like my senses return to me. I release him and back away, but I don’t leave. Instead, I wander to the couch and sit facing the fireplace.
Caiden sits on the couch next to me, but he’s careful not to touch me. I scoot closer to him and lean against him. Apparently, I still needed someone to hold me, which he seems to understand.
It’s a strange pull and resistance with him. I’ve seen so many sides to him that I struggle to know which is real. But now I’m starting to think maybe they all are. Maybe he’s part vicious emperor and part gentle friend. Part monster and part comfort.
Maybe I’m like that too.
We sit there so long, neither of us moving or speaking until the fire dwindles to a single, struggling flame. Without looking over at him, I finally speak. “My magic can raise the dead.”
I don’t know why I tell him, but as soon as it’s out, I feel relief. I’m tired of holding it in. Tired of the cryptic messages from a goddess who was nowhere to be found while I was surrounded by skeletons and afraid.
He strokes my head. “That’s a rare gift.” After a long pause he asks, “did you accidentally wake the dead today?”
I nod.
“Oh, Taylan. That must have been terrifying.” He pulls me tighter.
I nuzzle against him as tears threaten again. I’m so tired of crying. So tired of being afraid.
“You brought my father back, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Did you know then, that it was you?” he asks.
“Not at the moment, but later that night,” I admit.
He kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Do you think it makes me dangerous?” I ask. “I can’t control it.”
“You will eventually,” he says.
“I don’t want to. I can’t think of how it would be useful aside from doing terrible things,” I tell him.
“You were given that gift for a reason. Even if you don’t know what it is yet.” He strokes my head gently.
I know Mara has plans for me. Tasks for me to complete. She wanted me to bring down this empire, and here I am in the arms of its emperor. Maybe that’s why she stopped speaking to me. Maybe she’s looking for someone who can do the job the way she demands.
“Do they speak to you?” I tilt my head so I’m looking at him. “The gods?”
“My father said they spoke to him, but if they’re trying to speak to me, I’ve never heard them.” He sounds a little disappointed, genuine. I think he’s telling the truth.
I keep the fact that the goddess of death has been talking to me to myself. Well, she was. I’m starting to wonder if she ever will again.
“You won’t make me use it, will you?” I ask quietly.
“No. I told you, I’ll never force you to use your magic. Though, I suspect you’ll want to eventually. Or at the very least, practice it so you can control it,” he says.
I pull away from him, and he releases me without a word. When I scoot to the side to create more distance, he doesn’t flinch. It’s suddenly sinking in that I’m in Caiden’s room, and I’m letting him hold me. That I wanted him to do it.
There’s too much in my mind to dwell on that tonight. The gift weighs heavily on me. I wanted to use it to bring this empire to its knees, and now I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. Or what I’m capable of. I thought I was strong. That I could make changes and destroy things.
Instead, I’m scared of what I can do and moping over a man who doesn’t want me.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Caiden asks.
I consider, then finally decide the best thing I can do is find out more information about this magic. Maybe that’s what I’m missing. I have to do something to find the fight that’s gone out of me. “Do you know if there’s anyone else with this gift?”
“I’ve heard of it, but never in Pendralia.”
Brevan’s words come back and I wished I could remember exactly what he called people with my magic. “Where exactly?”
“I can’t remember,” he says suddenly.
My brow furrows. “You’re lying to me.”
He smirks. “I’m not sure I like how well you can read me now.”
“You’re the one who insisted I spend more time with you,” I point out.
“That’s true. And I also told you I’d win you over, eventually. How am I doing?”
I roll my eyes, then rise from the couch. The Caiden I’m familiar with is back and the moment is gone. “I should go. My ladies will be waiting for me.”
He stands. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yes, thank you.” I stand there for a moment, unsure of how I’m supposed to say goodbye after I showed so much of myself to him.
“Would you have dinner with me tonight?” he asks.
I open my mouth to reply, but I’m not sure how to answer. Every time I’m alone with him, it’s as if walls are breaking down between us. I get more confused about what I’m supposed to do, and my resolve seems to be melting away.
“Please say yes so I have an excuse to tell Ludis I’m busy. He’s been trying to have dinner with me since I returned. We’ll be spending enough time with him on the trip to Iskvaland as it is.”
I wrinkle my nose. “I almost forgot about the trip. Are you sure you really need me to attend?”
“You’re the heir, remember? Ludis was disowned. He needs you to win over the king. I really need the king to agree to work with me, but it would be easier if Ludis is there. He’s determined to have me as an ally.”
“Why are you doing this?” I’ve asked before, but things have changed between us since then.
His expression hardens. “That’s really not your place, is it?”
I scoff. “So, you shut me out again. Every time I think maybe there’s a decent person in there, you remind me of exactly why I can’t drop my guard around you.”
“Taylan, that’s not what I’m trying to do. Just—can you just trust me on this?”
“You haven’t earned my trust, Caiden.” I can’t deny that my feelings have changed for him, even if I can’t explain how or what they mean. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s going to do what’s best for himself no matter the consequences.
“What have I done in the last few weeks that makes you think you can’t trust me?” he demands. “I saved your friend; I’m helping you learn to defend yourself; I’m trying to be what you need me to be.”
“You’re the one who put Anya in danger in the first place,” I remind him.
“And I learned from that. I will never allow anything to happen to you or any of your friends. But you still don’t trust me.” He lets out an exasperated breath.
“Why should I when you’re hiding so many things from me? Why Iskvaland? Why the obsession with the Shatterlands? And what about the poison? You haven’t said a word about that. You don’t seem concerned.”
“I can assure you, I’m very concerned about all the various poisonings taking place. I’m working on it. Just because you don’t see me doing things, doesn’t mean it’s not happening,” he says.
“And Iskvaland? We don’t need their army. Your Night Legion is excellent. Especially if you could redirect them from hunting relics and killing people to helping instead.”
“I canceled all the relic hunts,” he says. “I passed a decree before I left for the tower reversing the ruling that made them illegal. If people want to hold on to relics, they can. There’re no more laws against them.”
My lips part, and I stare at him for a moment while I let his words sink in. Did he do something nice? Something to help the regular people of the empire? “What if they use them to create magic? To cast magic or give themselves magic?”
“If they figure it out, and they’re not hurting anyone, they’ll be subject to the same rules as anyone who’s been to the temple. Magic must only be used to protect or defend Pendralia and her people.”
“Is that what your legion was doing when they destroyed my village?” I ask.
“Your village?”
“Yes. I grew up in the mountains at the border. A whole legion came through, burning and destroying and killing. They took my father and our home. My mother brought me and my brothers to the city after that to start over.” I clamp my mouth shut, horrified that I spilled as much as I did.
This isn’t his story to know. This is my family and my past and my life.
“Then your mother and brothers were killed in the rebellion,” he says.
I nod, but don’t let myself react. I refuse to let him see me cry over them.
“No wonder you want to kill me.” He runs a hand through his hair. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I know that’s meaningless now, but I’m not my father.”
“I don’t know what you are,” I say.
“You will. It’ll make sense soon enough. I promise, I’ll tell you everything, but not yet.”
I’m starting to wonder if I want to know. Maybe Anya was right, maybe we should leave. But if Caiden is successful amassing an army of Iskvalandian soldiers to invade the Shatterlands, where could we go? He’d start a war that would have every kingdom and continent taking sides.
“I’m going to have dinner with my ladies,” I say. “But that shouldn’t stop you from telling Ludis to go fuck himself and have dinner alone.”
He chuckles. “That might be the best advice anyone’s ever given me.”