Chapter 47
Forty-Seven
Sabina
Anya dozes in the carriage next to me. There’s not much to do while we’re just clattering along on the roads toward the mountains.
She didn’t seem as concerned as I thought she’d be when I told her what happened last night.
I suspect it’s because she’s trying to downplay the whole thing with Brevan.
She’s made it clear she thinks I’m playing with fire every time I see him.
I’m glad she’s asleep so I can think more on what I heard and what I did.
That was the one part I left out, the whole somehow reversing the poison part.
I can’t say it out loud. Knowing that I had the ability to save Juliette while she was dying in front of me is too much.
And I can’t imagine how Charlotte would feel if she knew I could have saved her Elliot.
My feelings are raw and broken. I’m certain I’m never going to be able to trust anything or anyone again.
Anya might be the only exception. I stare out the window at the thick forest. Occasionally, I catch sight of a bird or we pass riders or other carriages.
Mostly, there’s nothing but the sky and the trees.
Mara’s words continue to echo in my mind, especially the part about how she has asked someone to help her before. I wonder how badly it ended for that person and if I’m just delaying the same fate.
We manage to avoid speaking to Caiden or Brevan when we stop for breaks and our conversation at dinner is brief and polite.
Every time I see the enforcer, my whole body heats and then everything inside me crumbles.
It might be harder to be around him since both of us admitted our feelings.
At least when I thought it was over, I could shut him out easier.
Every night after we eat, Anya and I retreat to our tent, where I’ve noticed there are now guards stationed at the rear.
I wonder if that was Brevan’s doing after how easily I was able to get out of his tent and return to mine.
My insides twist uncomfortably when I can’t decide if he did it for my protection, or to prevent me visiting him again.
The days blur together. I suppose I should be grateful for the lack of anything of interest. Anya and I play cards and we talk.
Sometimes we reminisce about the past, and other times we imagine what it might be like if we did run away.
Neither of us is willing to admit that it’s likely never going to happen.
We both know there’s a good chance we’ll die in Pendalia.
I just hope that it’s after a long, happy life, whatever that looks like.
After nearly a week of monotony, someone knocks on our carriage door right before we’re about to leave after a break. Anya is closest and opens the door.
Caiden inclines his head. “Lady Anya,” then turns to me, “Empress.”
“This can’t be good,” I say. “You’re playing the formal, polite emperor card.”
He grins. “If you’d rather I go than share the good news I have, I can take myself elsewhere.”
“Unless it’s that we’re arriving at the estate or we’re turning around, I’m not sure what good news you could have,” I say. Then I realize there are several other things that would be good news, but I know he wouldn’t consider them as such.
“How would you like to sleep in a real bed tonight?” he asks.
“With you?” I lift a brow. We might be getting along better, but I’m still not sure what that even means.
“You two can still share a room, but I will be next door, just in case,” he says.
“Does that mean we’re stopping at a village?” Anya asks.
I straighten and can’t hold back the smile that comes to my lips. “Please tell me that’s true.”
“It is. We’ll be there before nightfall. Most of the guards will stay in the woods, but we’ll venture into town as a group of travelers passing through,” he says.
“Does that mean we can find some fresh bread?” I ask, then instantly feel foolish and spoiled. The old Taylan would have never worried about such frivolous things. We’ve had food every day on this journey. It’s mostly been fish or rabbit, but we’re not hungry.
“All the bread you want,” he says.
“Emperor.” A legionnaire is hurrying toward us and Caiden turns and gestures to him, then looks back at us. “I’ll escort you to the village when we stop next.”
He closes the door before we can hear what the legionnaire says.
“Well, that’s exciting,” Anya says.
“Yes, it’ll be a nice change,” I agree. “It must mean we’re getting closer, though. I still don’t know what we’re going to do about Ludis if we don’t figure everything out before then.”
“Like I said before, there probably isn’t much we can do. There’s a good chance his father is still going to reject him,” Anya reminds me.
I nod, but I don’t actually believe her. His plan is for me to convince his father by leveraging my marriage. He’s so convinced it’ll work that he has me believing it.
“I still think talking to his mother might be the best way,” Anya says. “If we get her alone...”
“From what I’ve heard, they don’t listen to women there. We’ll be lucky if we even get to say a word to the king. It sounds like women there are seen and not heard.”
“What if she doesn’t want it to be that way? What if that can work to our advantage?” Anya braces herself as the carriage begins to rumble and I lean back against the seat.
We’re moving again, another day closer to meeting Ludis’s parents and I’m still not sure about anything.
Caiden walks on my right, playing the role of my husband.
I tense, not playing, he is my husband. On my other side, Anya keeps pace with us.
Her emerald green cloak covers most of her, and I keep the hood of my navy cloak low around my face.
It makes me feel a little better despite the fact that it’s unlikely anyone would recognize us.
Even Caiden in his riding clothes looks the part of a weary traveler.
His usually clean-shaven face is covered by a short beard that I hate to admit, makes him more handsome.
The village is small, reminding me of the one we visited on our way to the winter palace. The one Caiden and Brevan turned into a ghost town. And for what? To find relics they didn’t need?
To find relics Brevan was looking for? Or something else?
Why was any of that necessary? Or was it simply done to show me they could.
I shudder at the thought. If it was my fault…
there’s already so much blood on my hands.
I might as well accept that it’s possible that entire village is gone because of me.
The tavern is crowded. Boisterous laughter filters into the street, tempting me with a vision of how my life might have been. If not for Ludis, I’d be living in the city, working a regular job. I might have a normal life. Well, if I hadn’t gotten into trouble in my mourning.
A rush of grief makes my limbs suddenly heavy and my chest tight.
I miss my brothers so fucking much. In the rare moments I allow myself to recall their faces or the way they’d tease me or how they’d bring my mother her favorite tea and she never asked where it came from.
She knew full well they stole it, but even she couldn’t scold them because she knew it came from a place of such love.
I can’t think of them. Of her. Of my father.
For a moment, his face flashes into my mind, but it’s blurry, the details fading.
I’m not sure if the way he looks in my memory is even how he appeared.
He’s been gone the longest, and now that I’m all that’s left, there’s nobody else to remember him with me.
“Taylan,” Caiden bites out.
He’s looking at my feet and I follow his gaze, then suck in a breath. Dark shadows swirl around my feet. I summon them back to me and thankfully, they’re quick to subside.
“Do I need to take you back to the camp?” he asks.
“No, it won’t happen again.” I’m about to say something else, but I lose whatever it was when I see Ludis.
I glare at him as he saunters toward the tavern. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since we left the winter estate and I think the time away from him reminded me of how much I despise him.
He can not inherit the throne.
Gods, I hope his father kills him.
“Tay, get it together,” Anya warns.
Fuck. The shadows are back. I steady my breathing and the shadows dissipate.
“Don’t let him get to you,” Anya whispers.
“We should go,” Caiden grabs my arm and stops my progress, then he follows my gaze and notices Ludis. His jaw tenses and his fingers dig into my arm.
“Ouch.” I pull my arm from Caiden.
“Sorry,” he says.
“Why are you so upset seeing him? You’re the one who wanted to befriend him and join him and rule alongside him,” I say.
“You do know you’re not privy to all my plans.” Caiden adjusts the collar of his shirt.
“Because you won’t tell me anything,” I point out.
“Are we staying or leaving?” Caiden asks.
“Staying,” Anya and I say at the same time.
“Well, let’s get something to eat quickly. I don’t want you two around all those drunks for longer than necessary.” His prior good mood is completely gone.
Mine is too. “You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?”
He shakes his head. “And here I thought the two of us were getting along so well.”
My cheeks heat and embarrassment and guilt make me feel a little off balance. I feel the shadows building again and fight them back. My emotions are all over the place tonight. And the worst part is, it’s not just Caiden or Ludis. It’s me.
I might hate myself more than I hate any of them.
I need a drink. A lot of drinks.