Chapter 48
Forty-Eight
Sabina
“Maybe that’s enough,” Anya says as she takes my cup. I reach for it, but she pulls it away. “No. I watched you do this last time, I’m not letting you get there again.”
“Last time?” Caiden asks.
I grab his cup and take a long pull before anyone can stop me, then set it back on the table. “Like you care. You’re not any better than me.”
He takes his cup back. “You’re right. But I think you should listen to your friend.”
“The friend I almost lost because of you,” I blurt. “The friend you forced me to marry.”
“I forced—?”
“You married me. I didn’t want that,” I interrupt.
“I know.”
“I don’t want to be with you.”
“I know that too, you tell me often enough,” he says.
“Here, Tay—Sabina,” Anya holds out a basket full of chunks of bread, “eat. You wanted bread, remember?”
I grab one and take a bite, then chew slowly. Part of me won’t let me shove it all away. Mostly, the weight of failure is what simmers at the surface, taunting me as if Ludis himself was sitting right next to me whispering to me.
Who needs him to remind me how far I’ve fallen when I have myself? I glance around the tavern. My vision’s a little blurry, but I am certain I can see well enough. “Where is he? Where is Ludis?”
The other two scan the room, then both of them look at me with expressions that tell me they have no answers.
“He must have gone to his room,” Caiden says.
“Brevan isn’t here, either, I see,” I say it without thinking. Because of course I’m still thinking of him even when I try not to.
I’m failing in every possible way lately.
“He stayed behind with the others at the camp,” Caiden says. “Should we—are you ready to go to your room?”
“I am not sleeping with you,” I say.
“I didn’t ask you to,” he bites out. He turns to Anya. “What is wrong with her”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her like this since—”
I slam the table and Anya jumps. “Don’t say it. Do not say it. Not in front of him. He’s part of why they’re dead. Why they’re all dead.”
I drop the rest of the bread into the basket, but it hits the table instead. Apparently, I am more drunk than I realized. “I do want to go to my room.”
“You need to eat more,” Anya insists.
“Not with him,” I say.
“I’m not leaving you down here,” Caiden says.
“Then I’m going to my room.”
“You are acting like a child,” he hisses.
“No, I’m acting like a spoiled fucking prince,” I tell him.
He stands, then holds out his hand. “Come on, I’ll take you to your room.”
“I don’t want your help.” I stand, but bump into the chair leg and nearly tumble back down. He catches me with a sigh.
“Is this typical for her?” Caiden asks as he starts guiding me between tables.
“No,” Anya says. “She gets quiet when she drinks a lot. Usually cries.”
“I told you not to say anything,” I tell her.
“It’s the magic,” Caiden says.
“What do you mean?” Anya asks.
We stop in front of a stairway that leads up to the rooms we rented.
Caiden glances around, then must determine it’s safe to speak.
“It has a unique influence on everyone. Usually wears off after a few months, but can sometimes take years to adjust. I’ve seen this before.
People who used to handle several drinks without issue sometimes can’t anymore after the temple. ”
“That would have been good information to know,” she says.
“Stop talking about me,” I demand.
“Right, come on, princess,” he says as he helps me up the stairs.
“I am not your princess,” I tell him. “He used to call me that, but now, thanks to you, I’m nothing. I’m supposed to be something. I’m supposed to do things but I only let everyone down.”
“Here comes the crying,” Anya says.
I want to yell at her, but she’s not wrong. Hot tears stream down my cheeks and I sniff and fight against the rising onslaught. I know I’m about to completely lose it.
“Here,” Caiden says, holding out a key with his free hand. “Open the door?”
Anya takes a key from him then lets us into our room. It’s a small room with two narrow beds side by side. There’s a chair in one corner and a little desk by a window where a pitcher and two glasses are set up. It’s a nice room, especially for a small town like this.
Caiden guides me to one of the beds, then helps me sit.
“You can go now, your highness.” I think I’m slurring my words.
“I’m going.” He turns to Anya. “I’ll bring some food up. See if you can get her to eat.”
“I’ll eat if I don’t have to look at you,” I say.
“Whatever it takes.” He leaves without another word, closing the door behind him.
“He’s terrible, you know that?” I say.
“You keep telling me the opposite. And maybe I’m starting to believe you. He’s bringing you food because you’re too drunk to sit in the tavern,” she says.
“Are you seriously taking his side?” I demand. “He’s a murderer. A mud-deer-er.”
“I know. But so am I,” she says.
“You had no choice,” I tell her. “You weren’t there when they destroyed that whole village. Brevan killed them but Caiden ordered it. I—I fell in love with a monster. What is wrong with me?”
Anya sits next to me and pulls me close to her. I rest my head on her shoulder and the slow trickle of tears grows into something uncontrollable. My whole body shakes with sobs and I can’t stop. I’m not sure I even want to stop.
Anya smooths my hair and rubs my back. She makes soothing sounds and tells me that everything is going to be alright. I don’t believe her, but eventually, the tears subside and I begin to hiccup.
She tucks my hair behind my ears. “I’ll get you some water.” She leaves and crosses the room to pour a cup from the pitcher.
“I’m sorry.” I think the crying sobered me up a bit. “I’m so sorry for everything. I got you involved in all this and now we’re stuck in this mess.”
She returns with the water and hands it to me. “Don’t. You know we’ll figure this out, together, alright?”
I take a sip of the water, then hiccup again. This used to happen when I was young. Every time I got too worked up, I’d hiccup for what felt like forever. It was another good reason to keep myself from getting caught up in my emotions.
A gentle knock sounds on the door and Anya hurries to answer it. Caiden hands her two plates of food, then closes the door without a word.
Anya brings the plates over and sets them on the bed. “You need to eat.”
I hiccup again, then take another sip of water before nodding. I know it’ll help. “I’m sorry I drank so much.”
“You didn’t even have that much,” she says. “Caiden said it was something to do with the magic.”
“I’m starting to think that magic is far more of a burden than a gift.” I pause, fork in hand.
“What is it?” Anya asks.
“There’s no shadows.”
Her brow furrows. “You’re right. And you were an emotional mess.”
I blink rapidly as I think back to all the times Caiden drank too much. I judged him as a spoiled prince. He warned me. He told me it helped him maintain control. “The alcohol numbs them. The emotions.”
“I guess that’s helpful to know.” She bites into a carrot, then nods at my untouched plate.
“Yeah.” I pick up the fork and stab a piece of potato. It’s fresh, warm food. It should be delicious, but it tastes like nothing. Still, I make myself eat.
There’s another knock and I set my plate aside but Anya is on her feet faster. She only takes two steps before an envelope slides into the room from the crack under the door. She picks it up. “I think it’s for you.”
I walk over to her and take the letter from her. On the front is a single letter: T.
I tear it open and find a folded paper inside with just two words written on it.
I’m sorry.
-B
Anya is looking over my shoulder. “What is that supposed to mean? Do you think it’s from Brevan?”
“I don’t know.” Is it an apology for the other night? Is he taking back what he said? No, I know that’s not it. I am certain he was sincere.
I cross the room and open the door, then look out into the hall. There’s nobody in sight. My shoulders sink. I should have known better.
I close the door, then lock it. “Nobody’s there.”
“Maybe it was delivered to the wrong room?” She suggests.
I sit back down on the bed, then set my plate in my lap. “Yeah, maybe.”
When we finish eating, we set the plates on the desk, then prepare for bed. We didn’t bring anything with us, so we take turns using the small bathing chamber in the hall that is shared by all the rooms.
I noticed that the door across from us remains open and Stanley paces in front of it, trying to appear as if it’s totally normal for a person to act that way.
He’s in riding clothes instead of his uniform, but I don’t think anyone would mistake him for a normal man passing through.
Aside from his large build, there’s something so serious about him.
When we’re finished with the facilities, I wave to him. He acts like he’s surprised I noticed him, which makes me chuckle. “Goodnight,” I say both to him and to anyone else who is listening to us. I’m certain Caiden is and I’m quite surprised he’s not watching us the way Stanley is.
The room is warm, the blankets cozy. Anya is nestled into the bed next to mine. “I’m going to miss this when we have to return to sleeping on the ground.”
“You know I didn’t realize how quickly I’d become accustomed to luxury,” she admits.
“I know. I feel guilty quite often at how easy it is to take those things for granted now,” I tell her.
“Do you think that makes us as bad as them?” she asks.
“No. Because we’d share it, all of it. And you know what? We will. After this is done, we’ll make it better.”
“Welcome back, Taylan, I missed you,” she says through a stifled yawn.
I smile, then pull the blankets up around my neck. “Goodnight.”
It’s not long before Anya’s breathing is slow and steady.
I’m glad she’s getting some sleep. Assuming she’s actually asleep this time.
I stare up at the ceiling but the room is so dark, I can’t make out any details.
I forgot just how dark it could be at night.
In the castle and the winter estate, I always had a fire burning.
I even keep a lamp on in the tent. Anxiety twists inside me and I shove it away.
Am I seriously afraid of the dark? I’ve never had that problem before.
I turn on my side and pull my legs toward my chest. I’m being ridiculous. It’s just a dark room at an inn. Everything is fine. I’m in a comfortable bed, with a full stomach. I’m lucky, even if I’m still confused and unsure about the coming weeks.
My eyes grow heavy and I feel the tension easing and just as sleep claims me, something slams against our door. I bolt up and I hear Anya’s feet hit the ground.
The door explodes, sending wood flying. I scream, then scramble from my bed, reaching for the blades I set under the bed. My fingers close in on them and I grab hold of them but I don’t know where to aim. It’s completely dark. There’s movement, grunting, someone slams against a wall.
Then I hear Anya scream.