Chapter Twelve Sophie #2
Some stupid petty bullshit that means nothing is the reason that two of my kids were taken and possibly all my other kids could’ve been taken.
The reason my mother is dead is because of some crazy misguided thought that my grandfather who had children he did not know about gave his legacy to the wrong child.
This stupid idiot man didn’t even know that he had two sons older than him anyway and if my grandfather would’ve known about all of them he wouldn’t have even been the one to inherit the club.
My father made this club what it is, but everyone just wants to say that it was depending on the birth order.
It doesn’t even matter, all this is just so stupid!
There have been so many lies and so much hidden because they claim it is all ‘club business’, but you know what all this impacted my life, impacted my babies and my family.
Here we sit having two children that were taken and thankfully found, but yet a mother and grandmother that will never meet the rest of her grandchildren.
Some grandchildren that will not remember her, two of her kids still not even adults yet who should have her for everything that the rest of us had her for.
All that is gone because of some secrets and stupid pride.
Over a stupid club, over money I’m sure is also the motivator.
All of this is pointless and I am so angry about the secrets, I’m angry that everything I thought I knew was a lie.
I’m angry at petty people that think it is okay to destroy peoples lives to try and make their lives better.
How could anyone do these things? My father lied to all of us, he hid things and look at where we are because of all that!
Look at all the things that could have been different if he paid attention.
I mean if he would also have taken into consideration all the things I’ve told him about some of these people in the club, maybe we would've caught some traitors or gotten traitors out.
But no. This club doesn’t hold their women in regard like some of the other clubs, they don’t listen.
Toby should’ve told his client no and get his ass to pick up our children on time.
Everything could have been different. There are so many what ifs.
Things could have been so different and I could’ve never missed months with two of my precious babies and I would be able to have so much more time with my mama.
I wouldn’t have to be comforting my younger siblings and trying to help raise them with the time they have left at home.
My father wouldn’t be grieving the woman he loved more than anything in the world.
My family lost its heart and for what? Some man's stupid pride and a legacy that who knows if it will be worth it in the end.”
I look up at the therapist after my rant of verbal puke and see that she is looking at me with a sad smile on her face.
“That is a lot that has happened to you in such a short amount of time. The feelings you are feeling are valid and no one can tell you they are not. You’ve lost a lot and to you it all comes back to one thing and certain people. But I think maybe,
just maybe you are angry at the people you are angry with because they are the safest and easiest people to be angry with. That you know that no matter what you do or say that they will still be here and still love you through all your pain. Toby,
how are you feeling with everything that has gone on and what Sophie is saying?”
“Listen, I understand why she is feeling that way. There have been a lot of miscommunications with everything. I get it, I do. I am pretty angry though myself. There is a lot of stuff that I don’t like the way they were handled. I think that in all of this it was forgotten that I lost someone too,
that my kids were also taken and for months I did not know where they were. I had people check in on me, sure. But it wasn’t the person I needed to have check in on me or be with me through all of it.
I was being kept out of my home and could only see my other kids at certain times and that was hard. It was like I was being forced to grieve everything and deal with my trauma with everything alone. I’m just supposed to be strong for everyone,
but nobody thinks that there are times when I feel weak. There are times where the pain gets too much and I need someone to lean on. It’s hard knowing that I couldn’t turn to the one person I needed to because she shut me out. I get that she was angry, but you know what, I’m angry too.
I’m angry that instead of getting through this together we had to get through it alone. I’m angry that even though she knows that I would never do anything to hurt our babies she blames me for what happened.
Mama J was like a second mother to me and I didn’t get to grieve her because of everything else going on. I felt like I lost everything and you know what for a time there I did lose so much more than I needed to.”
I look at my husband and for the first time see the hurt that we both have caused during this whole ordeal.
“I’m sorry that you feel that way. I never really thought about all of that and maybe that makes me selfish. I didn’t realize that with me needing time to get through all the feelings I was feeling about what happened it was making it worse for you.
You have every right to be angry with me for pushing you away when you needed me. I feel like I needed to do what was right for me at that moment. Everything was hard and horrible. Too much was happening and I was feeling so much and I was protecting myself.
I know not thinking about your feelings is not something that we do, but obviously sometimes even I falter.”
“It is easy when going through something traumatic and grief that we focus on what the people close to us did wrong.
It is not uncommon that we place blame on the people that love us no matter what.
Sometimes in the heat of grief we get angry with everyone, even the people we are grieving.
I think you guys coming here and talking things through is a good thing.
You guys were so young when you got together and really despite being married so young, being parents so young, starting two separate and really competing businesses, you guys have really done well.
Everything that has happened this past however many months is testing you guys in a way that you have never been tested.
It seems to be this new threat, these new women coming in who don’t seem to know the history and know the rules that are making more challenges for you guys.
Taking care of your emotions and learning how to communicate with each other.
Learning how you both felt during this time should help you guys get back to where you want to be, if not stronger than before.
I know most people who know you guys would think it is crazier for you to be stronger than you were before, but I really think it can happen.
You two are soulmates, anyone who knows you and sees you together can see that.
Challenges come in all relationships, but it is how we react to them and how we heal from them that can either make or break us.
I’m glad that I will be able to help you talk through forgiveness and expression of everything that has gone on.
You are the very core and foundation of your family.
In fact most people in the club look to you both as the couple that everyone wants to be.
You’re best friends, we just have to get rid of all the negative thoughts that are making it hard for Sophie to feel like she can trust you.
Logically she knows that you would never do anything to hurt her, but with all the insecurities a pregnant woman can go through, add on the grief she is feeling sometimes we don’t think logically.
I think you guys need to spend more time with just each other, I know it’s hard with six kids, but I also know that you guys have a fantastic support system.
You should use it. Maybe do date nights at home.
I know that with everything going on in the club, you don’t want to go out as much.
So do things with just each other. Talk to each other not just here, but at home too.
Be open and honest. I know you guys can get through anything.
Honestly, I don’t think with the amount of love Lash has, you’d be getting anywhere Sophie.”
With that I chuckled. My alpha male would not let me go anywhere. Our session ends and we head out towards the car where some of the club brothers are surrounding it on their bikes.
“I don’t feel nearly important enough to have a bunch of bikers give me a procession home.” I say to Toby.
“Well, baby,” he says as he opens the passenger door, “until we find these assholes, everyone is going to have an entourage.”
I hop into my seat and go to reach my seatbelt, he puts his hand over mine and leans into the car. He gently kisses my lips then places his forehead on mine.
“I love you, Sophie. I wouldn’t be me without you, I hope you know that. I need you like the air I breathe. When I was staying at the clubhouse, I felt like a huge part of me was missing. Never again baby. I think tonight the kids are staying with my parents and we are having that date night.”
He kissed my lips again and stood up, buckling my seatbelt and closing the door. Before going to the driver's seat. We do go and have that date night. For the first time in months, Toby shares a bed with me.