It’s Not You, It’s Me #2
“This is amazing,” he said. “Who knew Firefly had a beach?”
Once he climbed down the trestle to the river, we hiked through the woods to a secluded area known only to the locals.
The river diverged, creating an alcove we treated as our personal swimming hole.
While the tourists got into their cars and made the two-hour drive to the ocean, we had our own little beach.
“It’s got its surprises.”
“I still can’t believe you jumped.”
Leaning back on his elbows, Sammy watched the water.
In his soaking briefs, he was something to behold.
While he admired nature, I couldn’t stop stealing glances at those biceps.
We had made our way through small talk like old friends.
There were questions burning to get out.
I tried chipping at the shell instead of shattering it.
“Why’d you stay?” Innocent. Friendly. Curious.
He closed his eyes, leaning his head back. I took it as an invitation to stare at his package. If he had been wearing white briefs, I’m not sure I could contain myself. The dark blue fabric saved him from being mauled by a bear.
“It’s complicated.”
“You’re in luck. I’m fluent in complicated.”
He smiled. “Remember I told you about my dad?”
“Yeah. Rose described him as a cartoon villain with a long mustache he twirled while smoking a cigar.” It was just about the meanest thing I had ever heard her say. “Oh, a sinister laugh too. Can’t forget that.”
He turned his head, eyes wide. I was about to apologize when he nodded. “I see she’s met him.”
“So, you’re avoiding family issues?”
“Or as he likes to call them—” He threw up his hands in an explosion. “—opportunities. He’s decided to retire. Instead of sailing off into the sunset, he wants me to take over the family business.”
“You don’t strike me as the real estate development type.”
He twirled a fake mustache and laughed.
“I nearly lost my mind after two years in a cubicle. Taking over a company? It sounds horrible. The amount of paperwork involved alone would kill me. The meetings? You saw my employees, do I look like a guy who wants to lead corporate stiffs?”
His toes vanished beneath the sand. I wondered if his dislike of shoes wasn’t the feeling of the fabric and more about the separation. Every time I vacuumed the shag rug in my living room, I let my toes wiggle between the threads.
“I considered,” he admitted. “It only lasted for half a second, but I hate that I thought about it.”
“He’s your father. It makes sense.”
He shook his head. “It’s taken me a long time to understand this.
” He leaned forward, crossing his legs as he drew a circle in the sand with his pointer finger.
“When I first quit, people gave me plenty of advice. Sampson, you’ll find the right job.
It couldn’t have been that bad? You could have gone into management.
I felt selfish. We get trapped in expectations, and I just can’t… he’ll call me selfish.”
Without thinking, I reached out, my fingers wrapping around his hand.
“I have to take care of myself.” He squeezed my fingers. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Then I get an email from somebody telling me their story. A healthy me is helping people.”
“It sounds like you found your calling.” Sammy reached the destination I hoped for myself. I envied him.
“And yet…” He had decided, but it hadn’t closed the door on this opportunity.
“You haven’t told him?”
He shook his head. “Not yet.”
Neither of us had pulled away. He had almost reached the destination. I didn’t want to let go. If there weren’t so many unanswered questions, I’d have reached over and hugged him. It seemed as if both of us could use it.
“Why do you think I chose Firefly? It’s the deal that got away from him.”
“Devious,” I laughed.
“I can’t wait to show him the photos. I needed the time to think about this, life, the normal existential crisis stuff.”
Different circumstances had thrust us into Firefly. Yet, we had come searching for an elusive something. Inside the small town and its slower pace, we found a chance to breathe. It hadn’t brought any revelations, but it gave space to reflect. I could almost hear Edward in the back of my head.
“Sarge says—” I cleared my throat. “—Firefly has a way of giving us what we need.”
“And what exactly is Firefly giving you?”
“Time to think.”
“About?”
One word. It came out as a harmless question. There was no probing or ulterior motives. He had just shared his family troubles. It was only fair that I returned the gesture. Yet, even as I opened my mouth, I couldn’t muster the courage.
“Soon. I’m not ready yet,” I said. “Sorry.”
He gave me a sideways glance. “Don’t be. I’m in no rush.”
Sammy didn’t close the door on the conversation.
He made himself known and waited without expectation.
It warmed my heart as much as the sand did my toes.
When he pulled his hand away, I realized I had never let go.
Before I could make an awkward situation any weirder, I leaned forward, shaking the sand off my toes.
“We should get going.”
I was about to get up when he leaned to the side, resting his head on my shoulder. Firefly gave us the chance to slow down, but Sammy was brave enough to act on it. He didn’t waste his courage jumping from a bridge; he saved it for when it mattered most to him.
My mind swirled with questions. What did it mean? Did this come from the other night? Should I say something or just settle in? I wrapped a sand-covered arm around his back, my head resting on his. My toes dug into the sand, and I breathed in through my nose, grounding myself.
I was here. He was here. We were here.
“Just a little longer,” I said.
Patrick: Your friend made a name for himself.
Seamus: Who hasn’t been naked on the trestle?
Patrick: Sir, I’m expecting that story when I get home.
Seamus: Bring whisky.
The sand in the crack of my ass had turned into sandpaper. With my underwear shoved in my pocket, I wanted to complain. Each time I stopped and tried shaking it from my shorts, Sammy laughed. I hadn’t been thinking about the aftermath when I stripped. In hindsight, I still didn’t care.
When the sun set, Firefly exhaled. The decorative lamps around the green turned on, casting just enough light to make the paths visible.
The market only had another hour before it closed.
Business would resume tomorrow, but for the rest of the night, families crowded around tables and flipped on their favorite television shows.
Unlike before, we walked in silence. Now and then we’d flash a grin or bump shoulders.
We were lost in thought together. After hearing him describe the guilt over his decision, I couldn’t help but apply it to myself.
It didn’t evaporate, but I felt confident in my decision.
I needed to find myself, wherever that took me.
“So, who’s this Rose and Sarge?”
I chuckled.
“They’re my grandparents,” I said. “To tell you the truth, I have no idea how Sarge got the nickname. Maybe it’s from his days with the Marines? Or maybe Rose wanted to make sure he knew his rank in the house.”
“The general?” Sammy was catching on.
“Only to her face. It’s also the fastest way for her to switch your coffee to decaf.”
“Diabolical.”
She might rule the house with an iron fist, but they came with oven mitts.
Without a doubt, when I headed home, she’d be rocking back and forth on the porch in her favorite chair.
She’d act as if she were enjoying the evening, no matter the humidity.
I’d go inside, and a few minutes later she’d follow.
“My parents lived in Bangor, and we’d visit all the time. When I got my license, it was just about the only place they let me drive. I loved that ’76 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. I haven’t thought about it in years.”
“We always remember our first.” I nearly choked on his statement. “Powder blue Skylark.” Oh, we were still talking about cars.
“I’m not really part of all this.” I gestured to the gazebo as if it were the embodiment of Firefly.
They had already started hanging the rainbow bunting for Pride.
“I’d only come into town with Rose when she needed groceries.
Most of the time we stayed at the house putting together jigsaw puzzles or rehearsing lines for a play. ”
“Excuse me?” He spun about, walking backward as we moved toward Main St. “You’re not part of all this? You know the guy at the hardware store. The woman at the bistro seemed awfully familiar with you.”
“Dorothy’s like that with everybody.”
He rolled his eyes. “Thank you for making my point. The door handle? Not your first time.”
It took a moment for me to figure out what he meant. “What? No. I mean…” My face couldn’t have turned any redder. “I’ve stayed at Valhalla a lot in the last couple of years.”
“What?” he laughed. “You thought I meant… No!”
It was the first time we discussed what happened, even if we talked around the subject. I didn’t know how to mention sex without violating his personal space. It had been easier in a moment of lust to touch his naked body than it was to talk about the touching.
“You were the first.” For all the nights I stayed there, the only orgasms in the room had been my own. While every handsome man in Firefly paired off, I hadn’t even thrown my dance card into the bowl.
“First?” he asked.
“I mean, not the—” I stopped walking, eyebrow raised. “Was that…”
He turned without answering. I’d respect that boundary.