Circle of Trust
“Why is it I’m carrying the heavy box?”
Amanda had a long box of comics resting on her shoulder, conveniently flexing a sizable bicep. She could complain all she wanted, but she loved showing off how much muscle she had gained since her split with Tessa. We all knew she aimed for a revenge body.
“We get it,” Jon said, “you’re ripped.”
“I will be,” she growled.
Amanda worked her way through the maze of unopened packages until she climbed behind the counter.
Jon and I patiently waited for her to trip over the mess.
She tiptoed over the deliveries with the grace of a ballerina, getting a shocked expression from us.
She finally dropped it next to the register.
“Is this where you pour water over yourself and strike a pose?”
She shot Jon a dirty look. “Why are we friends?”
I snickered at the sibling banter. If I didn’t know better, I’d assume they shared at least one parent. This level of back-and-forth only came from kids forced to coexist in the same bedroom. If Jason were here, it’d be wrestling and slinging love-filled insults.
“I’ll let you know when I figure it out,” he said.
I slid down the wall until I sat amongst the dozen boxes. Jason had left these two in charge of the shop, which seemed like a horrible idea.
“Where is Jason?”
“Dad duty,” Amanda said. “He’s doing a parent-teacher conference.”
“With Lucy,” Jon added. “Those teachers must be so confused.”
“Last year, Mrs. Butler had to deal with all three showing up at once.”
I could almost imagine the confusion as the teacher tried to sort through how to address each of them. “It’s sort of cute,” I said. “Lucas gets a bonus parent. Just wait for when Lucy gets married again.”
“Do you think they’ll all live in the same house?”
Amanda and I froze, pondering Jon’s question.
Lucy spent her time establishing clinics across the globe.
Even amongst comics filled with superheroes, she proved capes weren’t required.
Sure, dinner with the five of them would be normal.
Four parents working through Lucas’s school routine sounded easy enough.
What about the first time one of them came home to find a sock on the front door?
I snorted at the idea. They giggled. We were nothing more than adults with the minds of dirty teens. Next time we saw Jason, we’d be sure to interrogate him.
I pulled open one of the boxes. The heroes on the front were standing on a building, holding up a rainbow flag for the city to admire. Their stoic faces were hidden by masks, but it was the two men holding hands that made my heart flutter. The next issue was the same, except with two women.
“He’s really going all out.”
“You still don’t understand how big this is.”
I chuckled. Firefly thought every event garnered a spotlight from the press. When I looked up, her eyes were locked on me.
“What?”
“We filmed a movie here. Those fans are going to be coming for my signature.”
“Chris’s signature,” Jon jumped in while flipping through a box of comics.
“Mine too,” she mumbled. “Mostly Chris,” she said under her breath.
“But she’s not wrong,” Jon said. “Remember the calendar? Those folks got emails about the event. Chris’s marketing team has been making a push. The newspapers have covered it.”
“It won’t be as big as L.A. or New York, but it’ll be Maine big.”
“There’s close to a thousand people in the parade alone.”
“A thousand?” I didn’t believe them. “Firefly doesn’t have a thousand people.”
“Corporate sponsors. I think there’s a politician. The actors from ‘I Am the First’ will be there.”
“Damn,” I said.
“But if only we had a glorious queen leading the way.”
“Amanda,” Jon hissed. He patted me on the head like a child. “We warned her.”
Amanda turned around, hoisting herself onto the counter. “I don’t see the problem.” She leaned back, crossing her legs. “The boys are acting like your retirement is a big secret. And if one of you lugs kicks me under the table again, I’ll swap out your lube for muscle cream.”
“From experience, ouch,” Jon said. I still needed that story.
“Let’s be real for a moment,” she said. “I invoke the cone of silence. We’re in a safe space. This is a circle of trust.” If she pulled out sage and burned it, I was going to bolt for the door. “Mike.”
She said my name, letting it open the door for a thousand questions. The people of Firefly were good at asking questions with a statement. They didn’t need to ask, it hovered in the air, almost tangible.
I didn’t owe them an answer, but I owed myself. “I put her away.”
“You’re not two different people.” My eyebrow shot up. “You’ll always be Mabel.”
It was the truth I feared. I understood the sentiment, even the advice. Amanda didn’t understand that Mabel had consumed me and left me a bystander in life. Letting her out, even cracking the door, the world would only ever see the brazen queen. I’d vanish… again.
Jon stepped around the boxes, sliding down the wall next to me. He took my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. “What Amanda is trying to say—”
“I said what I said,” she snapped.
“Why did you retire her?”
It was the first time somebody had asked for my motivation. Even in a circle of trust, I dodged the question. They wanted the best for me. They’d cheer no matter which path I took. Their support would be unwavering. I didn’t know the answer to the question.
“I—” My chest tightened, and I forced down a sob. “Circle of trust?”
I asked more for myself than for them.
“You know we love you,” Amanda said.
It held the implied, “But we’re worried.
” They weren’t the only ones. I wanted to set Mabel aside so I could live as Mike.
It reminded me of guidance counselors in school asking what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I had aspirations, goals, and things I wanted to achieve.
There were feelings, but nothing concrete.
I had left my apartment and come to Firefly, but it seemed as if I went from wallowing alone to wallowing with friends.
“I don’t know who I am.” Jon rested his head on my shoulder. “I’m forty and I—” The dam cracked, and I feared it’d crumble if I kept talking. Sitting on the floor, surrounded by Jason’s passion, I wiped away the tears. “She needs to be locked away so I can figure out who I am.”
Amanda’s face scrunched up as if she weren’t convinced. “I don’t know—”
“Mike, how can we help?”
Hearing him say my name made me smile. I took a staggered breath, stepping out of the darkness.
Saying it out loud didn’t solve the problem, but it gave me a new question.
Now that I reclaimed my throne, what did I want to be when I grew up?
Mabel wouldn’t have sat silently pontificating about life; she’d have seized it by the balls and made a splash.
“I don’t know… yet.” The yet mattered. “You’ll be the first to know.”
“Do you want me to tell Gladys no to the parade?” Amanda offered to get her hands dirty, so I didn’t have to. “I do enjoy seeing her face when she hears the word ‘no’. It’s like Christmas.”
I snorted. “Appreciated. But I should probably break the news.” I could have stopped it when she first asked; instead, I ran. I thought my reluctance might have disappointed the crowd. At first, it had. But I needed to figure out why I let the question linger without closing the door.
“Onto other things.” She made a circle with her finger. “Circle of trust. What’s going on with you and the new boy?”
Oh, no. We were not going to discuss my love life. “I’ll tell you.” I flashed a smile. “If you tell me why you and Tessa broke up.” Everybody wanted to know, but Amanda had yet to give us an answer. “Tit for tat.”
Her expression soured. She slid off the counter. “These boxes aren’t going to move themselves.” She didn’t hide her unwillingness to talk about her ex-girlfriend. I could only imagine the awkwardness when Tessa arrived for the parade.
“We’re always here if you need us,” Jon said.
He gave my hand another squeeze before planting a kiss on my cheek.
“I look forward to seeing what you do next.” He shimmied forward on the floor, tearing open a box filled with rainbow flags.
At this rate, Jason’s store could claim “Gayest comic shop on Earth,” and mean it.
I took a steadying breath and prepared to dive into parade prep. I opened a box of buttons filled with different pride colors. Staring at a trans pride symbol, I asked myself, “What do I want?”
I smiled. I didn’t have an answer, but I knew who I wanted.
It was time to stop existing on the sidelines. I reached for my phone.
Mike: Are you free this evening?