Welcome to the Chaos #3
Whatever expression he gave Jason silenced his protest. He snatched the box of graham crackers and stood. As they walked the length of the yard, Patrick gave Jason a jab in the ribs with his elbow. I had to wonder if Patrick would reveal where he had seen Sammy or drop the subject entirely.
Sammy’s chin dropped. I’m sure he weighed the revelation and what it meant for him. At least this far north, it wasn’t as if Jason would figure it out and spread it to somebody he might know. It didn’t make it any less scary. A well-guarded secret isn’t a secret anymore if somebody knows.
“I recognized him,” he admitted. “I recognized half the people here tonight.”
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. We had two options in front of us. I could continue the conversation and ask about him at the club. If I did that, we’d get dangerously close to the unspoken questions about his sexuality. Our other option…
“I finished the cabinet.”
The lifeline let both of us avoid the conversation we weren’t ready for.
His eyes remained fixed on the fire. They reflected the dancing light.
I knew exactly what a near-dodge meant. He’d evaluate every decision that brought him here, asking if it had been safe.
Even sitting here with me had become a calculated risk between what he wanted and what he’d let himself have.
“They’re great,” he said. “Your friends, I mean. You’ve got a fun group here.”
He held still. I wanted to wrap my arms around his shoulders and promise him things got easier. What I wanted was inconsequential. I respected his space, hoping he’d give me an opportunity, a sign, that gave me the go-ahead. Instead of an opening, I could almost feel Sammy falling into himself.
“I know,” I said.
“Know?”
“Where he knows you from.”
He turned just enough to see the raised eyebrow. I risked outing my own secret. “I was there that night. You were doing the head bob.” I moved to an imaginary beat. “You looked like you were having fun.”
“I was.” The smile didn’t last, but it had made an appearance. “Zach and Wendy wanted to go out. She was shocked to find out there was a drag show in Bangor. She insisted. I caved.”
It was my turn to tense. It had been dark, with flashing lights. Between the flawless makeup and wig, I thought my secret identity safe. However, nearly everybody in the club had seen me out of drag before. It’d only take an offhand comment for him to make the connection.
“Spectrum was my first time,” he said.
It came out as a loaded statement. Since arriving in Firefly, he had acquired a list of first-time experiences.
Had seeing the men at the bar holding hands and expressing their sexuality without inhibition set him on this path?
The long pauses suggested he still needed time to process.
Our pattern had become providing space without pressure.
I wouldn’t break it, not here, not with this.
“You’ve got a strong head bob game.”
I stood up and thrust my hands into my pockets as I repeated the maneuver. We referred to it as the straight man’s dance. Instead of letting the music flow through them, it stopped at the neck. Despite Patrick swearing Seamus loved dancing, he had perfected the technique.
“Is that what I looked like?”
“Oh yeah. Really into it.” I exaggerated the gesture.
“Oh, God.”
I held out a hand. He glanced at it before his eyes traveled up my arm.
I extended a finger, urging him from his chair.
He set the stick aside before taking my hand.
I pulled him upright. We were close enough that I could cross the few inches and kiss him.
I’m sure there was at least one face pressed against the house windows, hoping for a thorough make-out session.
I shook my hips. He glanced down. I stepped back from side to side, snapping my fingers. His eyebrows couldn’t have crept further up his forehead if he tried.
“What is happening?”
“I’m upgrading your dance moves.”
“Is that what you think you’re doing?”
I laughed. I could have done a cartwheel and kicked my foot over my head, but I didn’t want to lay it on too thick. “Start with the head.” My head wobbled back and forth. “Then let it reach your hips.” I threw my hands above my head. “This is getting advanced.”
“There’s no music.” He said it as if it mattered.
“Whichever one of you goofballs is watching,” I yelled, “give us some music.”
It only took a second for dance music to blast from the window. The neighbors would complain, but it’d be well worth it. It’d only be a few minutes before we spotted silhouettes in windows as they watched us.
I took Sammy’s hands. “It’s a full body thing.”
They were like limp noodles as I forced him to dance.
“I feel like I’m convulsing,” he laughed.
“Then you’re doing it right.”
I caught the shift of the feet and the tip of his hips.
It wasn’t much, but it already surpassed the bob.
With a little more coaxing, he got the shoulders involved.
At this rate, he’d be giving dance lessons to Seamus and Charlie.
I spun him about, and with a quick pull, his back pressed against my belly.
With hands on his hips, he moved with me.
“You’re in your element,” he said.
The words were meant as a playful jab as we moved in time to the bass.
Performing hadn’t crossed my mind since that night.
I couldn’t remember the last time I danced without Mabel present.
I had gotten the truth of him being at the club, but I withheld my own secret.
This walked a fine line and risked exposing myself.
I wasn’t ready for this fantasy to come crashing down.
We had reached a rhythm when I pulled away.
“Ready to head inside?”
He stopped dancing. From behind, I couldn’t tell if he understood my reluctance.
I didn’t want him to think this had anything to do with him…
even if it did… partly. I could only hope Sammy had enough patience for me to sort through my problems before he left.
Admitting I wanted anything came with a deadline, and I wasn’t sure I’d work through my problems before he packed his bags.
“Let’s go,” he said.
Hands in pockets, shoulders slumped, he had taken it personally.
I hated that my insecurities triggered his.
Despite a week of being in his presence, I still hadn’t found a way to exhale.
After tonight, it’d stop being something I avoided.
In the quiet of my mind, I’d confront Mabel, and we’d get the future sorted.
If for no other reason, to make sure I never made those shoulders slump again.
With Pride around the corner, time was running out.