2. Kit #2
It had been a mistake to come here.
I hurried back the way I came and breathed a little easier when I reached the open air of the market. There was just enough hubbub there to chase away my self-pitying thoughts. Following the innkeeper’s directions, I made my way to the baker’s stall and stepped up to the counter.
The woman behind it beamed. Her graying brown hair was tucked behind her ears, and her eyes took on the golden hue of the light reflecting off her yellow apron.
“Morning,” she said. “What can I get you?”
My responding smile was genuine, though I couldn’t match her level of cheer. “I have it on good authority that you make the best biscuit sandwiches with sausage.”
“Do you, now?” Her eyes crinkled at the corners as her smile widened. “My husband will want to take credit for that, since he provides the sausage.” She leaned back to see around the side of her stall and into the next one. “You hear that, Mister Mosel? He’s here for one of the biscuit sandwiches.”
My heart flopped in my chest at the surname.
When the man stepped into view beside his wife, I thought I recognized some of myself in his face, some family resemblance that seemed impossible just a few minutes before.
But maybe it wasn’t so unbelievable that my cousin might move back to the town where he was born, not plagued by the memories of my mother that had driven our grandparents away.
“Best biscuits you’ll find in the ward,” the man said. “Best sausage, too, if I say so myself.”
“Mosel, you said?” The question escaped before I could stop it. I wanted to take it back, to leave without being remembered, but they were both looking at me too intently now to brush it off. “I knew a Mister Mosel once,” I continued. “Went by Kit.”
The other man perked up. “I had a cousin named Kit. He was a Koesters, though. Haven’t seen him since I was a child, so maybe he changed it.”
“Wouldn’t blame him,” the baker mumbled, “what with who his father was.”
My mouth went dry.
When Penny’s mother asked about my family, I’d claimed I didn’t have any.
As best I knew, that had been the truth.
Now, I knew differently, and the thought of not being the only one left was as comforting as it was painful.
It meant that maybe, if at the end of all of this Penny wanted nothing to do with me, I had somewhere to go.
There was a tether to the life I could have had and the man I could have been.
An assurance that I wasn’t completely alone.
“Well,” the man continued as he bumped his wife with his elbow to keep her from saying anything further, “if you happen to see him again, tell him Willem said hello.” As his eyes searched my face, a wrinkle appeared between his brows.
For a second, I thought he recognized me, but the moment passed, and his expression smoothed. “And tell him to come home sometime. We’ve been strangers too long.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice around the lump growing in my throat, and handed over some coin in exchange for the paper-wrapped sandwich. I managed a smile, croaked out a quick thanks, then hurried toward the peace of the Veilwater.
My appetite was all but gone, so I tucked the sandwich in the top of my pack and followed the burbling river out of town to where it butted up against an ancient willow tree.
Its trunk was twisted like an old man’s back, hunched over the small clearing beside the water and curtaining off my mother’s final resting place.
I paused before pushing past the hanging branches, afraid that I’d find the sunken depression of an empty grave instead of the stone my father and I had placed to denote where we buried her. There were a lot of things I could never forgive my father for, but that would be the worst of them.
Steeling myself for disappointment, I ducked into the shade and scanned the bed of moss beneath my feet. There, tucked against the base of the tree, a large river rock crowned a mound of earth.
My breath caught as I sank to my knees beside it.
“For as much as he hated me, at least he loved you enough to let you rest.”
I brushed the dirt and moss away from the stone, then dragged my fingertips over the initials carved there. Tears welled in my eyes, and I pressed the heel of my hand against them.
“Mom, I did a stupid thing.” A bitter laugh burst out of me. “I’ve done a lot of stupid things.”
The list grew longer by the day, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I’d come too far, sacrificed too much, and if I didn’t manage to disband the cult that had destroyed my family and so many others, it would have been for nothing.
“I got away, you know. Tried to be someone you could be proud of. Not sure I managed.” Tears threatened again, and I took measured breaths to push them back.
“And then I met someone, and… and I should have known how it would end, because that’s how it always ends.
I have someone good, and I get used to them being there, and then they’re gone again.
But it gets harder every time to go back to being alone.
I’m not good at being alone, even if I convince myself that I am sometimes.
“But it was my fault this time. I messed everything up. I really tried to keep him at a distance, but he’s so persistent.
” I wasn’t sure if the sound that came out of me was a laugh or a sob.
“He just… wormed his way in. I shouldn’t have brought him with me in the first place because I knew what joining the Bone Men would entail, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t be able to keep him safe.
But I didn’t want to go alone, and I was selfish, and I knew how this had to end. ”
I scrubbed at the wetness on my cheeks and struggled to breathe through the tightness in my chest. The feeling of not being able to catch my breath was becoming far too familiar, but it was only fair that if Penny should suffer through damaged lungs because of me, I should suffer as well.
“I tried not to fall in love with him, but I failed at that, too. We’re engaged, and now I can’t bear to lose him.
But I have to. Because it’s this—leaving him behind and hoping he stays where he’s safe—or maybe losing him forever.
He deserves so much better than me.” I hiccupped a sob.
“He’s a good man, Mom. Really good. And he tells me I am, too, and for a while I believed him.
There’s a part of me that still wants to.
But after all of this, I’m afraid that I’m just…
not. That I haven’t been for a long time.
Just add that to the list of things you’d be disappointed in me for. ”
My throat clogged with emotion, and I sagged against the willow’s trunk. It was impossible to think of Penny and not wish I could hold him one more time, feel his heat as he crowded in against me beneath the covers. To feel his fingers in my hair, easing peace into me with every stroke.
I could hardly sleep without him anymore.
“I love him, Mom. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. But I promised I wouldn’t leave him behind, and that’s exactly what I did.
I know how he thinks, and I know he’ll think this is his fault, and…
” Realization hit me like a fist to the gut.
“He’ll think Merrick was right and that all this time he’s only been a means to an end, and now that I’ve wrung out his usefulness, I don’t need him anymore.
That all of this was some kind of act, and I can’t even blame him for thinking that because what kind of man does something like this to the person he loves?
He has every reason to doubt me, and that hurts the worst.”
No amount of assuring myself that it was worth it, that I’d give it all up just to know Penny was safe, was enough to soothe the guilt that cracked my heart into pieces.
Even though his safety was paramount, I couldn’t deny the damage I was doing to both of us.
And if I wasn’t around when this was all over, I would die knowing this was a wound I could never atone for.
And Penny would go on living after I was gone, cursing the day he met me.
“I don’t know if I’ll be back.” My fingers skimmed over the stone again. “I’m going to finish what I started, and I’m going to fight with all I have to come out the other side alive. Partly because I’m afraid to die, and mostly because I need to keep my promise to Penny. I need to go back.
“But there’s a chance I won’t make it out of this.
” I couldn’t help a bitter chuckle. “The Shroud Warden has already tried to kill me more than once. My luck is bound to run out eventually. But if I do die, maybe I can find a way to convince Eeus to release my soul and send it home to you so you don’t have to be alone anymore.
And I hope there’s at least one thing you can find to be proud of me for. ”