3. Kit
Kit
Ididn’t get on the road until well past midday, and I took the long way out of town to avoid having to face my cousin and his wife again. I meant to come and go as a stranger, so they were better off with only suspicions and no confirmation. Besides, I wasn’t sure I could lie a second time.
Once Willowvale disappeared behind me over the swell of a hill, some of the tension that had bound me up that morning eased.
That just left the ache in my bones from spending the night huddled in a ball.
Between that and feeling like I had barely slept at all, I managed to push thoughts of everything else to the background and let the monotony of the journey lull me into blissful mental quiet.
The remainder of the trip was uneventful.
I vacillated between guilt and panic and exhausted indifference in an endless loop over those three days until the gates of Ashpoint loomed ahead of me.
Deep shadows stretched before them as the sun dipped below the mountain, and two figures with lanterns hauled the gates open to admit me.
Once inside, I slid down from the driver’s bench and took the horse by the bridle, then led her around the outer road and to the house that was only a home when Penny was in it.
That thought was enough to spark an ache of longing in me that no one in Ashpoint could soothe.
A handful of people were out and about. A few waved and called out greetings, but no one stopped me or tried to pull me into conversation.
Maybe I looked wretched enough—deep bags beneath my eyes, a four-day beard, and my clothes rumpled from spending three of those days in the cart with no real breaks—that they thought better of trying to be more than neighborly.
Whatever the cause, I was thankful for it.
I wasn’t ready to explain why Penny wasn’t with me or that he wouldn’t be coming back.
It would be hard enough to tell Thoma when I thanked him for watching the cats for us.
Even still, I kept on my guard while navigating the narrow street.
Merrick had come back here when Penny banished him from the Oliver farm, and he’d had almost a month since to cook up new accusations against me.
The memory of being fetched by a pair of Sentinels after the last time I arrived in town was fresh enough to make me hyperaware of every face I passed.
I reached the house uninterrupted and tied the horse to the hitching post out front. The surrounding street was all but deserted. There was no one to see the sheer effort it took to haul my bag out of the cart and drag myself up onto the stoop. No one to ask what weighed so heavily on me.
I hesitated with my hand on the latch. I still hadn’t figured out what I would tell Thoma.
Maybe he would be satisfied with a delayed explanation, pushed off with the excuse that I was too tired to tell the story.
I could send him to take the horse and cart back to the stables, and I could…
not face the bed I shared with Penny. Collapse on the couch and wallow in misery until sleep took me.
No use putting it off any more. It wouldn’t get easier with further delay, so I pushed my way inside.
Before I could even drop my bag, Ember bolted into the room, mewing insistently as she scaled my pant leg and shirt and wound herself around my neck. Her rolling purr was soothing, and I tipped my head against hers, then looked toward the footsteps approaching from the kitchen.
Any greeting I’d prepared died on my lips when it was not Thoma who appeared through the doorway.
Not our friend.
Not the town stablemaster.
Not our house and pet sitter.
This man was taller, paler, blonder, and the sight of him made my breath catch in my chest.
Penny.
Penny, my intended. My sweetheart.
Penny, who I’d spent four days missing to the point of physical pain.
Penny, whose expression shifted rapidly from relief to red-faced anger that I knew I deserved.
“Thank gods,” he said, though his tone was more accusatory than grateful. “Kit, where have you been?”
My bag slid off my shoulder and hit the floor with a thud that startled Ember, who leaped down and dashed out of sight. The tears I’d spent the entire trip fighting blurred my vision.
“I took the horse,” he continued when I didn’t answer.
His fury and volume rose with every word.
“I thought I’d catch up to you on the road, but I never saw you.
I was afraid you were hurt somewhere, or something had happened to you, or you’d been eaten by wolves.
” His breath started to rasp, and his freckled cheeks flushed as he carried on.
“I don’t even know if there are wolves here, but I worried about them, damn it.
I worried about everything. I didn’t know where else you’d be, and I’ve been waiting all day! ”
A cough interrupted his tirade, and he stifled it in the crook of his elbow. His anger seemed to fade as the air wheezed in and out of his lungs until he caught his breath enough to conclude, “The waiting was the worst part.”
It took every bit of my self control not to reach for him because I knew he got lightheaded when he panted like that, but I wasn’t sure I could handle the brush-off he seemed primed to give me.
“I took a detour,” I croaked. “I know I told you to stay home, but I’m so glad you’re here.”
Penny’s green eyes flashed as his anger reignited.
“That’s another thing!” He stabbed a finger at me.
“You lied to me, Kit. You asked me to stay in Eastcliff, and I told you I wouldn’t.
You promised not to leave me, but then I woke up and you were gone.
” He coughed again, then cleared his throat.
When he recovered, the harsh edges of his expression went slack, allowing a glimpse of the wound beneath he tried to hide.
“You belong with me, Kit, and I belong with you. Remember?”
No amount of logic could stop me when the urge to reach for him came again. It stung when he stepped back to stay out of range, but I wasn’t foolish enough to think it wasn’t warranted. My arms felt like iron when they dropped back to my sides.
“I’m so sorry,” I murmured. “I regretted it the moment I left.”
Guilt ate at my insides when Penny wound his arms around himself and his shoulders curled inward. He cut his gaze sharply aside, listening but not wanting to look as I tried to explain.
“I just want you to be safe,” I pressed on. “I love you so much, and I couldn’t bear the thought of putting you in danger again. I can’t be without you, Pen. Losing you would kill me.”
When his eyes met mine again, they looked tired; glassy, like he was fighting the same tears I’d given into the moment he’d walked into the room.
“What would you have done?” he asked, voice quiet. “If you woke up in the morning and I’d gone? What did you expect me to do?”
He scoffed and turned away, clearly not expecting an answer, but I knew the one I would give: I would have done the same thing and chased him down. I would follow him anywhere.
He paced to the fireplace where the flames were slowly dying. His hand rested on the handle of the poker in the rack beside the hearth, and he hesitated. From where I stood, I could see the fire reflecting in his wide, scared eyes as his chest fluttered with quickening breaths.
I was the one who tended the fire. This was one thing I could keep him safe from, even if I couldn’t protect him from Ashpoint.
I stepped toward him. “Pen, let me…”
Penny’s free hand rose, palm out. As effective a command to stay where I was as if he’d spoken it aloud. He was trembling, and every part of me screamed to put myself between him and anything he perceived as danger, but that was what got me into this mess in the first place.
He was perfectly capable of protecting himself. I didn’t give him enough credit for that.
His movements were slow and deliberate as he used the poker to adjust the logs, then added a fresh one on top.
As soon as the wood settled into the pile, he stepped back as rapidly as he could while the flames caught.
The poker clattered back into the rack, and Penny hunched, leaning his arm on the mantel and forcing deep breaths into his lungs.
When he spoke again, his voice was so quiet it was almost lost to the crackling of the fire.
“What would you think or do if I treated you the way you’ve treated me?
” He glanced over his shoulder, his watery eyes meeting mine.
“Like a burden. Like an inconvenience when things get hard. You did the same thing Merrick and Father did for years, but at least they had the decency to be honest about it. They sent me back to the house because I was no good in the fields. You left me there because you think I can’t do this. ”
“That’s not what it was, Pen.” I stepped forward, shrinking the distance between us. “All I want is for you to be safe, and it’s not safe for you here.”
He squared his shoulders as he turned to face me, then bit out, “It’s not safe for you here, either!
” He gestured around us. “Damn it, Kit, I’m the one who put our resistance together.
You were content to struggle alone because of some sense of misplaced responsibility, and I made sure we had help.
I know you were on your own for a long time, but you’re not alone anymore.
You don’t get to make these kinds of decisions by yourself when they also affect me. ”
Anger swelled in my chest. I wasn’t the only one who made decisions that affected someone else. Penny had done the same on several occasions, often without any forethought. I’d agonized over my choice.
“The problem is you can’t see reason!” The words erupted out of me, and I took a moment to lower my voice before I went on.
“You’re right. I’m not alone here anymore, because now I have the resistance.
You could have taken the out Merrick gave you and stayed in Eastcliff and watched over your family while we finished things here.
Chosen your own safety for once instead of running headfirst into danger. ”
Penny scoffed. “You’re one to complain about running into danger.
That’s your response to everything.” He must have felt another cough coming on, because he paused to take a steadying breath before continuing.
“And you’re saying you’re okay with risking our friends’ safety? That you have no problem with?”
“They’re not you,” I admitted.
Penny’s gaze bored into me. For a moment he seemed to relax, and I thought he understood. Then his shoulders drooped, too.
“Would you rather be alone? Because sometimes you act like it. If-if I’m in the way, tell me and I’ll go.” He swallowed hard. “But don’t bother coming back to Eastcliff if you send me away again. I won’t be there.”
My realization in Willowvale had been right: Penny took my leaving as a reflection of his own worth—or lack of it—instead of as my desperate bid to protect the one thing I couldn’t afford to lose. It opened the door to doubt, of which he had an abundance already. About himself. About me.
This time, when I stepped forward, Penny let me catch his arm, though he was tense and wary. Watching me like I was a predator and he was cornered prey. I almost pulled back to give him space, but now that I had the connection, I wasn’t willing to let it break again.
“Penny, you are the one person that I can’t live without.
Damn everyone else if it keeps you safe, because no matter how much I care about our friends, I can go on without them.
” I slid my hand down to catch Penny’s fingers, but they remained limp between my own, not returning my desperate grip.
“The only thing I want when this is all over is to be with you. To marry you and be a family and live out the rest of our days. That requires you to be alive at the end of things, and Merrick has almost killed you once.”
He yanked his hand free and kept it out of reach when I tried to catch it again. “He almost killed you, too. So, you’re allowed to risk your life, but I’m not allowed to do the same?”
There wasn’t much distance between us, but Penny closed what was left and stood so we were eye to eye. I withered under his scrutiny. He may have been a few inches shorter, but he seemed to loom over me now.
“I’m your intended, Kit, not a child. We started this together, and we’ll end it together.
We’ve always been safer together than we are apart.
” He took another steadying breath. “You told me once that we were partners, but not equals. I put up with it for a while because I thought you were right, and that you could handle this better than I could. That I really wasn’t strong or brave enough.
But I am, Kit. You helped me see that. You told me as much. Now I need you to believe it.”
His hand slid into mine, and he squeezed like he needed to be sure I was paying attention.
“From here on out, we’re equals or we’re nothing,” he said. “The choice is yours.”
Despite the now-roaring fire, a chill swept across my skin.
I’d considered that, hadn’t I? Living without Penny if that was what it took to keep him alive?
But faced with the very real possibility, it hurt more than the hypothetical.
Watching Penny walk out that door and knowing he would never return would ruin me.
Worse was knowing that this was exactly how I made him feel when he woke up to find me gone.
“Equals,” I forced past the tightness in my throat.
“We’re equals. And I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like less than that.
I’m sorry I made you feel like a burden or an obligation because you’re neither of those things.
” I squeezed his hand back, hoping he believed me.
He had every right not to after what I put him through.
“You’re the only good thing I’ve ever had, and I’m sorry I held on too tight.
I wanted to protect, not stifle. I’ll do better. ”
I had to, because there were no other options. Not if I wanted to keep him.
Penny’s eyes searched my face and, this time, he must have found what he was looking for, because he let out a long breath.
“Okay. Good.” He nodded. “You should get a bath. I’ll take the horse back to Thoma and make us something to eat, and then you’re going to bed. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
I glanced down the hall toward our bedroom and wondered if I would be welcome there anymore. If I’d have to earn my way back there like I had to win back his trust.
“I’ll sleep on the couch,” I mumbled.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re not sleeping on the couch. You’ll sleep in bed where you belong.”
Emotion clogged my throat as he stepped in and slid his hands around to cup the nape of my neck. My ragged breaths were loud in the silence, and I sagged into his touch. He tilted his head up to touch the softest of kisses to my forehead.
“I’ll make this right,” I promised. “I’ll make it up to you.”
However long it took, whatever I had to do, I would find a way.