13. Demi
My alarm jarred me awake, prying my eyes open against their will. I hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep since I’d spent most of the night either talking to Cannon or thinking about him.
But Gavin would be here in an hour to pick us up and take us to the ski resort, so I needed to get up and get ready if I didn’t want to look like a disheveled mess.
I quickly braided my hair in two braids, swiped on some mascara, and put on my black one-piece ski suit before heading downstairs for breakfast.
Everyone was already in the kitchen except for Cannon.
“Good morning,” Halle said with a smile. “I made a protein smoothie to go with our muffins. Do you want some?”
Although she was no longer a personal trainer and was now running her own dance studio, she hadn’t lost any of her healthy ways.
“Sure, that sounds great.” I sat on one of the barstools at the oversized kitchen island.
West slid me a poppyseed muffin, knowing it was my favorite. “How did you sleep?”
“Thank you,” I said before responding, “Pretty well.”
I wanted to ask if Cannon had come down already, but I didn’t want to raise any suspicion about our changing relationship. I’d never voiced out loud any concern about his whereabouts before, so I felt like I shouldn’t now.
“Gavin should be here in twenty minutes,” West announced.
I hid my smile as I took a sip of my smoothie. Halle had definitely helped him relax some, but he was still ever the planner.
I finished my breakfast and then went back upstairs to brush my teeth.
Passing Cannon’s closed door, it took a conscious effort to not knock on his door, to not check to make sure he was okay. I forced myself into my ensuite bathroom, brushing my teeth and wondering how things were going to be between Cannon and me after our late-night texting convo. Was I supposed to acknowledge what we’d talked about? Or were we going to act like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, that he hadn’t told me things I was positive he hadn’t even told West?
I applied some Chapstick, looking at myself one more time in the mirror. The audible clicking sound of a doorknob turning reached my ears, and I all but sprinted to the hallway, slowing down just in time to make it seem as if we were both exiting our rooms at the same time.
His mouth quirked up on one side, tugging his mouth into a small smile. “Hey.” His eyes seemed to soften as they looked at me, and I had to hold in a sigh.
“Hey,” I smiled back.
He looked absolutely incredible in his black and teal ski jacket. His dark hair was still slightly damp from his morning shower, the ends barely curled. Remembering that we were friends only was so much harder when he looked this good.
“Is that ski suit waterproof?” he asked with a smirk.
His question forced me out of my ogling daze. “Uh,” I blinked, looking down at myself. “I think so.”
“That’s good, because you have a little drool.” He motioned toward my chin.
That snapped me out of my haze. “Shut up,” I chuckled, slapping his hand away and pushing his shoulder for good measure, my cheeks feeling warm.
He laughed. “Don’t be embarrassed. I drool over you all the time.”
“No, you do not,” I objected.
How could he talk about this like we were discussing the weather? This was another level of flirting I wasn’t used to. He was clearly more skilled at flirting than I was, and I hoped I could keep up.
“I most definitely do.” His eyes traveled the length of my body. “I’m just better at hiding it since I don’t want your brother to punch me in the face.”
“West would not punch you in the face.” I wasn’t exactly sure what West would do if he saw Cannon checking me out, but he wasn’t a violent person. He’d be mad, probably worried, and more than likely tell Cannon to keep his distance, but that’s it.
“You don’t know that,” he argued. “He is very protective of you.”
“So are you,” I countered.
“Yeah, but my reasons are very different from his.” His voice seemed to seep through my thick ski suit, caressing my skin like a physical touch.
I wanted to ask him what his reasons were, but I was caught up in the way he was looking at me, not wanting to break whatever moment this was between us.
The silence stretched out for several seconds, but there was nothing awkward about it. The air seemed to crackle around us, a light buzzing in my ears.
“I still think about you in that light blue dress you wore to your parents’ charity event back in September,” he said. “I don’t think I took my eyes off you the whole night. And the only reason West didn’t catch on back then was because he was too focused on Halle to notice anything else.”
I remembered that night, and I remembered wondering what Cannon would think of my dress, if anything. And if I remembered correctly, we’d both caught each other staring throughout the night.
“You never asked me to dance,” I pointed out. I had hoped he would ask me, but he never had.
“Only because I didn’t think I was strong enough to stop at just a dance.” His eyes were smoldering now, a hunger that reminded me of how he had looked at me last night in the kitchen.
“Demi! Cannon!” West’s voice yelled out, projecting up the stairs. “Let’s go! Gavin is here.”
The heat in his eyes quickly extinguished, and he was quick to put on a playful demeanor. “Ah, Gavin. Your lumberjack man awaits.” He held out his arm, indicating for me to head down the stairs ahead of him.
I rolled my eyes, walking past him and down the stairs, our tense moment officially over.
Gavin was a nice, good-looking guy, but he didn’t have anything on Cannon.
I was sure Gavin would be giving me more attention than anyone else in our group today, but I really just wanted to hang out with Cannon. He and I were well matched on the mountain, having been skiing together multiple times.
Usually it was him, me, and West, but since Halle was new to skiing, West would be spending his day helping her, which had me looking forward to spending some alone time with Cannon. I’d somehow forgotten Gavin was likely to stick around even though I didn’t need him to be my ski guide.
But maybe it was better this way. Maybe spending even more time alone with Cannon would only be more confusing, making it more difficult to keep our friendship intact.
Knowing he was attracted to me felt great. Who didn’t want the guy they had a crush on to be extremely attracted to them?
But as open as he was about his attraction to me, he was equally as open about how he wasn’t going to do anything about it. He had made it clear, multiple times, that he felt like there were obstacles in our way. He didn’t want to rock the boat with West or my dad. And he also wasn’t ready—or maybe wasn’t willing—to let himself be cared about, to let anyone into his life enough to show him he was worthy of love.
Outside, a black suburban sat idling, waiting for Cannon and me, the rest of our group already inside.
Gavin stood next to the front passenger seat, holding the door open. “Here you go.”
“Thanks, man,” Cannon said, walking toward the open door.
Gavin’s eyes narrowed slightly, clearly not amused by Cannon’s wrong assumption. “I was talking to Demi.”
“Oh, my mistake,” Cannon said, feigning innocence. “Here I thought you wanted to do some manly bonding.”
I bit my lip, attempting not to laugh.
I climbed into the SUV, thanking Gavin before he shut my door and rounded the front to head to the driver’s side.
“Nice one,” Jax said to Cannon before Gavin got in the car, both of them chuckling.
I didn’t have any interest in Gavin, and that had been true even before the last three weeks of living with Cannon. Now my thoughts were solely focused on the sexy, dark-haired man in the back seat, even if he wasn’t emotionally available. The chances of anything happening between Cannon and me were slim to none, but my heart and my body didn’t seem to care about those nonexistent chances. So as smart as it would have been to push Cannon out of my thoughts and possibly distract myself with Gavin, I couldn’t find it in me to want to. The idea of spending the day with Gavin sounded like the longest day of my life. I could always fake a headache or some other excuse to get out of skiing, but I had been really looking forward to flying down the mountain today.
We all chatted on the drive to the resort, but Cannon remained mostly quiet. It took effort for me to not turn around during the drive to see if I could read whatever expression was on his face.
Once we had parked and picked up our rental gear, we made a plan to split up and meet at the lodge for lunch.
West, Halle, Kate, and Jax headed for the bunny hill, while Gavin, Cannon, and I headed for the ski lift. Yeah, spending the morning with Gavin and Cannon wasn’t exactly what I’d been hoping for, but I didn’t know how to tell Gavin I didn’t need or want him to come. If anything, he should be staying with the others to help teach Halle, Kate, and Jax. He was being a little too forward about wanting to spend time with me, and I wasn’t sure the best way to let him know I wasn’t interested.
I sat in between the two guys on the lift.
“How is Stanford going?” Gavin asked.
My stomach dipped, and it had nothing to do with the increasing height as we made our way up the mountain. This was the first person outside of family and Cannon who I’d talked to about dropping out of Stanford, and there was part of me that was embarrassed. How many people dropped out one semester before graduating? Although I didn’t regret my decision, I knew that there might be some people who would think I was an idiot for having done something so rash.
“I, uh, actually decided to stop working toward my MBA,” I told him. “It just wasn’t for me.”
“Oh, wow,” he said. I couldn’t read his expression since he already had his skiing goggles on, but he sounded surprised.
“Yeah, I decided to enroll at the San Francisco Institute of Esthetics and Cosmetology, and I’m working toward becoming a hairdresser.” I tried to infuse my voice with confidence. “The dream is to run my own salon one day.”
“That’s amazing,” he said, and he sounded genuine. “I think it’s admirable to go after your dreams.”
“Thanks.”
“How did your dad take the news?” he asked.
I let out a heavy sigh. “About as well as you’d think.”
Although half of his face was covered, I didn’t miss his wince. “I’m sorry. That must be hard.”
I only nodded, not wanting to talk about my dad and how much of a disappointment I was to him. Especially not with Gavin.
We reached the top, and Cannon shot out of the seat like it was on fire. “I’ll meet you guys for lunch at the lodge,” he threw over his shoulder as he quickly made his way to the start of the trail.
I scrambled off the lift, startled by his quick exit, wanting to catch up to him to see what was wrong. He pushed off and down the mountain as I worked to follow him.
Without even looking back to see if Gavin was still behind me, I set off down the steep hill. Cannon was already a black blob ahead of me, so I pushed faster, wanting to close the gap between us.
My muscles burned, but I ignored them as I chased after Cannon. Something was wrong. Or maybe he was happy Gavin was with me so he didn’t have to be stuck going at my usual speed. Here I thought that we were well matched when it came to skill level, but he had clearly been holding back. I kept my gaze on the black and teal dot but had to work to find it again every time we went around a turn.
Thoughts swirled around in my mind as I pushed my skiing ability to the max. I replayed our flirtatious interaction this morning, then how he’d gotten quiet once Gavin arrived, and then how he’d practically ran away from me at the top of the lift. This either had to do with him wanting to put space between us or him being annoyed about Gavin tagging along. Possibly both.
Wait. Was Cannon jealous?
Those words floated around in my head, temporarily slowing me down with such a crazy thought.
Cannon, jealous over me.
As fast as the happy feeling had come, it was swiftly replaced by annoyance. How dare he throw a fit over Gavin butting in? Cannon had to know I wasn’t interested in Gavin. If anything, Cannon had been teasing me lately about how attracted I was to him. Heck, I’d almost kissed him last night! And was Gavin the guy I had been texting with late last night? No.
If Cannon was so bent out of shape over Gavin tagging along today, then why hadn’t he stuck around and shown him there was no competition between the two of them? That would have been a way better play than running away.
He ran away because he doesn’t do relationships. He wouldn’t fight for you.
My mind gave me those helpful reminders free of charge.
So why was I so determined to catch up to him? He apparently had no interest in skiing with me today.
But I wanted to ski with him. I’d been hoping to talk more, maybe see if he would open up to me when it was just the two of us on a side of a mountain, possibly hoping the combo of nature and fresh air would help him relax enough to let me share in his past.
But no. He had to go all avoidant on me, and now here I was chasing after him like a lunatic. Which only made me angry. It was apparent he wasn’t a fan of Gavin moving in on me, but it’s not like he was trying to move in instead. If anything, he kept pushing me away, constantly telling me we couldn’t be together—or even give it a try. So this whole fit thing he was pulling right now was ludicrous, and I wanted a chance to tell him just that.
He reached the bottom of the hill and clicked out of his skis. He bent to pick them up and began making his way toward the lodge.
Good. I’d be able to confront him there instead of continuing to chase him on the lift and down another hill.
Slanting my skis to the side, I came to an abrupt stop, hurrying to unclick my boots from my skis. Picking them up, I marched over to the ski rack, and once I’d made sure they were safely secured, I stomped into the lodge.
He was already seated in a leather armchair in one of the corners, looking down at his phone. I made a beeline for him, my anger fueling my steps.
“What the heck is wrong with you?” I exclaimed, not worrying about who might be listening around us.
He looked up in surprise. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you skiing with your lumberjack?”
I let out an annoyed sigh. “He’s not my lumberjack.”
“That’s not how he’s acting,” he said, his voice taking on an edge. “And you’re not telling him any different.”
Excuse me? He could not be for real. He was mad at me? I couldn’t even fathom the ridiculousness of this conversation.
My anger escalated. “What do you want me to do?” I shouted. “Say, oh by the way I’m not interested so stop trying to hang out with me?”
A throat cleared to my left and I turned to see who had joined us. The blood drained from my face as Gavin stood there, looking about as awkward and embarrassed as I felt.
“I, uh, just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said, his voice sounding deflated. “And it looks like you are, so I’m going to head out. I’ll meet you all at the car at four and drive you back to the house.”
He started to walk away, and I hurried to stop him. “Gavin, wait. I’m so sorry.”
He waved me off before I could say anymore. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine with just being friends. No hard feelings.”
I nodded, giving him a small smile, not knowing what else to say as he walked toward the doors and out of the lodge.
I turned back to Cannon, the anger quickly returning.
“Thanks for that.” I gestured to where Gavin had walked away.
“You’re welcome,” he said with a smug smile as he stood. He jerked his thumb toward the exit. “He should be thanking me too. Better for him to find out now instead of at the end of the weekend. Or were you looking forward to spending more time with him?”
“No. I want to hang out with you,” I yelled, looking up at him. “Or at least, I did. But you make me do things and feel things I don’t know how to control.” Frustration seeped out of me.
“You don’t think you make me feel the same way?” he exclaimed.
“I have no idea how I make you feel because you never tell me,” I snapped. “All you say is that we can only be friends, you’re attracted to me, but attraction is all it can be, my brother and dad wouldn’t be happy if something happened between us, you have a past that you think I won’t be able to accept,” I rattled off. “So excuse me if I don’t know how you feel about me because all I ever hear from you are all the reasons why you don’t even want to see what could happen between us.” My chest heaved, and it didn’t have anything to do with having just skiied down the mountain at breakneck speeds.
He ran a hand through his hair, looking down at the ground. “I’m sorry.” He turned his gaze to look around the room as more silence settled around us.
Finally, his eyes landed on me. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” His arms went up at the sides before falling down again. “All I know is that I don’t like it when Gavin is around you. I don’t like it when any guy is around you. I hate watching guys flirt with you at The Bridger and I hate seeing you flirt back. I hated when you and Aiden were dating.” He still seemed frustrated but more at himself now instead of me. “And I know I have no right to tell you who you can flirt with or who you can spend your time with, but…” He stopped, seeming to be lost for words.
“But you do it anyway?” I supplied, folding my arms across my chest. “Tell me this. Do you come to The Bridger during my shifts because of you, or because West asked you to?”
He rubbed his chin, glancing away as if he didn’t want to answer.
He let out a sigh. “I come to The Bridger while you’re working because I want to make sure you’re safe. When West found out I’d always be there, he only said thank you. He never specifically asked me to do it.”
I nodded. “And by making sure I’m safe, is that more to make sure I don’t find someone to date?”
A vein ticked in his jaw. “It’s part of it,” he quietly confessed. “I do genuinely want to make sure you are safe, but I’ll admit I don’t love the idea of you meeting someone.”
I kept my arms folded and gave him a haughty look. “And would you like to tell me why?”
“Not particularly.”
An exasperated sigh escaped my lips. “So even if I straight out ask you questions, you’re not going to open up to me?”
“What good would that do?” The frustration was back in his voice. “It doesn’t matter what the why is. It doesn’t matter that my eyes go straight to you when we’re in the same room. It doesn’t matter that every time I see you, I want to pull you in my arms. It doesn’t matter that I want to kiss you until we both forget our names. It doesn’t matter that I love hearing the sound of your laughter, especially when I’m the one who caused it. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had more fun and been happier than I’ve ever been during the last three weeks living with you than I have in my entire life. It doesn’t matter that I count down the hours every day until we can sit on the couch, talking and playing video games. And it definitely doesn’t matter that I can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else. Because at the end of the day, we can’t be together. I can never be what you deserve or need.”
My arms drop to my sides, and I stand there in shock at his fervent speech. I’d been trying to get him to open up, but I hadn’t expected him to say anything remotely close to what he just said.
Cannon liked me. He had feelings for me.
Yes, he’d admitted to being attracted to me, but his words went beyond that.
I continued to look at him, dumbfounded. “So, it’s more than attraction,” I stated, like I had to make sure I had heard him right, that I wasn’t assuming anything.
He let out a sound that was a mix of exasperation and a chuckle. “Yes, for me it’s more than attraction.”
I stood there, stunned. This was the part in movies and books when the person felt the need to pinch themselves to make sure they weren’t dreaming. “I don’t know what to say.” My mind was still reeling.
He shook his head. “There’s nothing to be said.”
I gave him a look of disbelief. “I feel like something should be said.” Like how I felt exactly the same way about him. Or how I wanted him to stop being so scared and jump with me, already.
“It will only make things harder,” he insisted. “Things are good the way they are.”
That snapped me out of my stupor. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am.” He answered like it was so simple. “Aren’t things good with us?” he pushed.
“Yes, but—”
“No but,” he said, cutting me off. “There’s no need to ruin our friendship for a relationship that will never work.”
His abrupt response had me searching his face to understand why he was so adamant that we’d never work, that we were destined to fail before we even began.
And then I saw it. The fear in his eyes.
He was scared.
Any fight I still had left in me vanished. I might not understand his hesitation or his fear, but I could respect it. There was a lot about Cannon I didn’t know. He’d opened himself up enough to tell me how he felt about me, but there was still so much he was keeping locked away. I didn’t know where his fears came from, but I hoped over time he’d share them with me, that maybe all he needed was time. Time to trust me enough to feel safe with me. I could give him that. Because I had a feeling Cannon was worth the wait.
I nodded slowly. “Okay.”
His brows shot up with hope. “Okay?”
He reminded me so much of a little boy right now, desperately wondering if I was going to stay with him, continue to be his friend, to still be there for him, if I wouldn’t walk away.
“Yes,” I nodded again, giving him a small smile. “No matter what happens, we’ll always be friends.” And that was the truth. I didn’t know where our relationship would eventually end up, but I was willing to swallow any pride or future hurt that could possibly come my way when it came to him.
His smile and the look of relief on his face had my heart squeezing in my chest. This big, muscly man just needed reassurance that he was enough for someone to care about, and I’d be more than happy to be that someone, even if it was only ever as a friend.
“But we do need to talk about how you’ve been holding out on me when it comes to your ski skills,” I said playfully, moving us back into comfortable territory.
His grin widened, and there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I like to stay behind you to enjoy the view.” He winked, and it made me laugh, easing the tension from our earlier conversation.
I looped my arm through his, pulling him toward the doors. “C’mon, you pervert. Let’s go skiing together, and I’ll let you enjoy that view.”
He chuckled and let me lead him out the doors to where our skis were.
We were back to normal, and it was something I could accept. I just hoped that at some point, he’d let me grow to love him, because I had no doubt I could fall head-over-heels for this man.