19. Demi
Iwas ruined. Forever ruined.
There was no way this kiss could ever be topped. It would be impossible to feel this way with someone other than Cannon. I was sure of it.
Dramatic? Exaggerated? I didn’t know, but in this moment, everything felt heightened. The feel of his arm around my waist. The way his hand pressed against the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. The feel of my hands wrapped around his neck, in his hair, the strands soft against my fingers. The way his hand cupped the back of my neck, cradling it so tenderly, in stark contrast to what his mouth was doing to mine. His lips moved fervently, as if he could no longer deny himself what he’d longed for. The intensity of our kiss was something I’d never experienced as we both fulfilled needs we’d so desperately tried to ignore.
He wrenched back from me, like it had taken every ounce of effort to break our kiss. His breath came out in heavy pants, his eyes glazed over. Seeing the effect our kiss had on him sent a warmth through my body, maybe pride, maybe happiness, probably both.
“I should probably regret kissing you,” he said, his voice rough. “But I don’t. That was the best damned kiss of my life.”
I didn’t think I could melt into him anymore than I already had, but I relaxed a little more. “Mine too,” I said, still breathless.
“Well, obviously,” he said with a smirk.
I smacked him on the chest and rolled my eyes, but as much as I tried not to smile, I couldn’t help myself. “Way to ruin the moment.”
“I think you like it when I say things like that,” he teased. It was annoying that he knew I liked his cocky, flirty side so much. He wrapped me tighter in the blanket before dipping down, smiling as he picked me up, knowing he was right.
He carried me, wrapped in the blanket and cradled against his chest, keeping me warm as he turned and started walking back down the dock toward the house.
“Now what?” I asked, not sure where our mind-blowing kiss would leave us.
“Now we eat,” he said simply, like we hadn’t just made out on the dock.
Maybe it was just me who was stressing about what the kiss had meant. But me being the only one stressing about it stressed me out even more.
“No stressing,” he said, and for a moment I worried I had said something out loud. “It’s all over your face,” he explained.
He opened the sliding glass door, all while still holding me. Once we were inside, he set me down.
“I’m not stressing,” I lied. “I’m just curious about where we stand now after, you know…” I gestured toward the dock, not able to say the words out loud.
“One, you’re a terrible liar,” he grinned. “And two, what we did out there is called kissing. Really fantastic kissing. Kissing I’m already wanting to do again with you.”
Hope and heat swirled in my belly.
“But…” He rubbed the back of his neck.
Of course there was a ‘but,’ the hope and heat effectively gone.
“I’m not sure if that is the smartest idea,” he finished.
I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, right. Not a smart idea.”
We kept standing there, neither one of us making a move to go into the kitchen to start making something to eat.
“Remind me why it’s not a smart idea?” I asked.
He gave me a wry smile. “I have a hard time remembering why when we’re together too.” His face turned serious, looking at me with so much care and concern that it took effort not to lean into him. “I don’t want to hurt you, Demi. I don’t know how to be the guy you need. I don’t know how to be someone who is worthy of you.”
“But why do you get to decide who I choose to be with, who I get to take a risk on?” I tried to keep the annoyance and anger at bay, but I hated that he was treating me like I was too young or naive to understand my own wants and desires, like I wasn’t capable of watching out for myself. “I don’t view you as a risk or as someone not worthy.”
“And that’s the problem,” he said, matching my tone. I evidently hadn’t been able to keep my emotions hidden. “I’m trying to watch out for you. Keep you safe from guys like me.”
Guys like him? Was he serious right now? How was he so blind that he couldn’t see what an amazing guy he was? How sweetly he had treated me over the past few weeks? It wasn’t his job to be my protector.
“You’re not my brother,” I pointed out firmly.
“I know that.” Irritation laced his tone.
“Then stop acting like it,” I yelled.
“I sure as hell wasn’t acting like it when we were on the dock,” he yelled back.
I clenched my jaw, working to breathe through the swirling anger, to keep my voice from rising. “I’m good enough to kiss but not good enough to date?”
His demeanor changed, the frustration leaving him as fast as it had come.
“Demi—”
He reached out, but I stepped back. “No,” I cut him off. “You can keep saying you don’t know how to be in a relationship, but that’s not true. All you have to do is care about someone enough to put them above yourself, to want to spend time with them, to enjoy being with them. What do you think has been going on between us the past three weeks?”
He stared at me like I’d slapped him in the face. The truth was hard to swallow sometimes.
“I…” He struggled for words as he dragged his hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t need to say anything,” I said. “I’m not going to beg someone to want to be with me.”
I turned and headed for the stairs. There was no way I could stay down here and eat dinner with him like everything was fine. The kiss had definitely changed things between us. It just hadn’t changed things in the way I had thought it would.
I woke up the next morning both elated and annoyed about kissing Cannon last night on the dock. Even after our amazing kiss, he had still pushed me away. He’d even told me how incredible the kiss had been. But not incredible enough to tempt him to cross over the line he’d drawn between us.
As I’d lain in my bed last night, I’d tried to reason that Cannon wasn’t emotionally ready to be in a relationship. That it would take time and work on his part to get him to a place where he could feel comfortable taking that risk. Logically it made sense to me, but I still couldn’t help the frustration that followed. It was easy for me to think about us being together, but I knew he didn’t see it that way. And so there was nothing else for me to do but give him the space he claimed he needed. I wouldn’t push him into anything. I’d respect his wishes and go back to being friends only.
We went snowshoeing as a group, and I lagged behind while Cannon stayed up front, leading us along the path. Conversation between the six of us flowed effortlessly during our hike and served as a good distraction from thoughts about Cannon. He and I went easily back to the way our relationship had been before we’d begun sharing an apartment. It bothered me how easily, but that was probably a good thing since after our kiss, Cannon didn’t want a repeat.
Once we returned back to the house, we ate lunch and then packed up our things to head back to the city. It had been a great weekend with friends, and despite the unfortunate incident last night, I was glad I had come. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice how things had shifted between Cannon and me, from last night to today. I almost joined Jax and Kate on the drive home instead of riding in the backseat with Cannon, but I didn’t want to raise suspicion, so I sucked it up and got in the back.
Now that we were pulling up to the apartment building, nerves began to swirl in my belly. Once we were back in the apartment, Cannon and I would have no one left to be a buffer between us. West and Halle would return to her apartment, and I would be left alone with the man who had kissed me in the most unforgettable way. The man who didn’t want to be anything more than friends. Yes, that sounded like a very comfortable place to be.
“Back to reality,” West said as we all climbed the stairs, luggage in hand.
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Halle groaned. “This weekend was so lovely. I didn’t want it to end.”
“If you thought this weekend was great,” West said to Halle, “just wait until we go there in the summer. Right, guys?” he said, looking at Cannon and me.
He and I both nodded. “Yeah,” we said at the same time, our voices lacking enthusiasm.
We stopped at the third-floor landing in front of Cannon and West’s apartment. West seemed to have just now noticed something was off between Cannon and me.
I was worried he was going to ask us what was going on, but instead he said to Cannon, “I’ll see you tomorrow at work.” And then turning to me, he said, “Good night, sis.”
We all said goodbye, and then it was just me and Cannon in the apartment. Alone.
The silence was deafening. We stood there for a moment, both of us seeming unsure of how to act now that we’d kissed. Or maybe that was just me.
I took a big breath, working to calm my nerves. “Well, I’m going to go unpack and head to bed.” I moved to walk past him, but his hand landed on my arm, stopping me.
“Demi, wait.” He turned so we were face to face. “What’s wrong?”
Was he really asking me what’s wrong?If he was going to ask me the clichéd guy question, then I was going to give him the clichéd girl answer.
“Nothing.”
“Then why have you been avoiding me?”
I tapped my finger against my chin. “Hmm…I wonder why a girl would avoid a guy who kissed her but has no interest in being with her?” My anger—which was really just masking my hurt—made my sarcasm come out thick.
“It’s not that I’m not interested,” he said, annoyance flaring in his eyes, his hand dropping from my arm. “You know that.”
I did know that. It didn’t make it hurt any less, though.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, trying for nonchalant. “I need to get to bed. I have to be up early for class tomorrow, and then I have a shift at The Bridger.” I continued making my way to the hallway leading to West’s room.
“So this is how it’s going to be between us now?” His disbelief held a hint of anger.
I whipped around, my anger overpowering his. “What did you expect? Friends with benefits?”
He scowled. “No, of course not.”
“Then what?”
He ran a hand through his hair, pulling on the ends. “I don’t know. I thought we’d go back to how we were before we kissed. Making breakfast together, playing video games, and…”
His voice trailed off, but I knew what he was going to say.
“Flirting?” I asked incredulously.
“I was going to say teasing, but yeah, I guess it was more flirting than anything.” His shoulders slumped. “I don’t regret kissing you, but I didn’t know I was going to be losing my friend because of it.”
His words made me flinch. I had done one of things he had been most worried about when it came to us trying to be together—turning my back on our friendship. Cannon’s fear of abandonment ran deep, and I hadn’t done a good job of showing him I wouldn’t run at the first sign of an issue.
Realizing my reaction probably hadn’t helped ease any of his concerns, I let out a reluctant sigh. I had been overreacting and now I was slightly embarrassed. He’d been open about his fears, about how he didn’t want to change anything between us. He’d been nothing but honest and up-front with me, and I was acting like he hadn’t.
“Cannon, I’m sorry.” All the frustration left my body. “I know our friendship has become important to you. It’s important to me too. I just felt rejected and clearly didn’t handle it well. I need a little more time,” I said, trying to be honest. “Let me get my thoughts and feelings settled, and we can go back to just being us, Cannon and Demi, forever friends.” I hoped the slice of hurt I felt saying those last two words didn’t show on my face.
He nodded but didn’t say anything.
Grabbing my luggage once again, I finally made it to the bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I pressed my back against the closed door, my body sagging in relief.
I hadn’t been lying when I’d told him I needed some time. I was certain I could get my feelings back to where they’d been before Lake Tahoe. I’d probably never get them back to where they’d been before I moved in and really got to know him, but it would have to be enough. Being in each other”s lives as friends only would be better than nothing at all.
I walked over to the bed, falling back, and stared up at the ceiling.
And okay, fine, maybe there was a small part of me that hoped that one day in the future he’d be willing to take a leap of faith with me. I still believed we could be good together. If he needed me to be patient, I would. I just worried about how long it would take. Or if it would ever happen at all.