24. Demi
It was Tuesday, which meant I didn’t work at The Bridger tonight. I should have probably started packing, but after school today I’d come home and ended up lying on my bed watching TV. I hadn’t mentioned anything to Cannon about moving back in with my parents. I’d been waiting for the right time, not waiting and hoping by some miracle that things could go back to normal.
I wasn’t waiting for Cannon to come home tonight, hoping that we’d hang out. Nope. I was just relaxing and enjoying some alone time.
Oh, who was I kidding? I was totally waiting for Cannon. And I was totally hoping he would ask me if I wanted to eat dinner with him so we could talk about our days and then stay up late playing video games.
Normally that was our go-to, but last night it hadn’t happened. I’d gotten home from The Bridger, and he had been in his room instead of waiting on the couch for me to get home. I’d almost knocked on his door to make sure he was okay but then got ready for bed and went to sleep instead. And yesterday morning and this morning, he’d said he had to be at work early and skipped out on breakfast.
He’d been different since he’d talked with his grandfather on Sunday night. There had to have been more to their conversation than just his grandfather telling him he was proud of him. Right?
After that dinner, I’d had a sliver of hope that maybe Cannon was coming around to the idea of being in a relationship with me, but now that he seemed to be avoiding me, I wasn’t sure. I’d thought that hearing the wonderful things my dad said to him would help ease some of his fears, but I guessed I was wrong.
His avoidance had me wondering if he was either sick of spending so much time together or he was really trying to push the friends thing even harder than before. Both those reasons had me holed up in my room, wanting to give him the space he needed either way.
Eventually I heard the front door open and close. Soon I heard him moving around in the kitchen, the clinking and clanking of pans and plates a sure giveaway he was cooking dinner. Without me.
Not that we always cooked dinner together since we weren’t always home in the evenings, but when we were, we usually made something to share. My heart dropped as I continued to hear him making dinner, ignoring whatever was on the TV screen.
Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on my bedroom door.
“Come in,” I called out, not moving from my spot on my bed, keeping my eyes on the TV screen on the wall.
In my peripheral vision, the door opened slowly, Cannon’s head poking in as I finally turned to look at him.
“Hey,” he said tentatively. “I made you some dinner.”
My gaze swung to where he opened the door wider, and there he stood holding a plate filled with a grilled cheese sandwich and a side of fruit.
He made me dinner?
I didn’t know if I’d seen anything sexier. This gorgeous man stood in my doorway holding a plate of yummy food he’d made for me.
He must have taken my silence for not wanting the food because he said, “Unless you already ate.” He looked down at the plate. “Which you probably already did.” He started to back out of the doorway. “I’m just going to go.”
“No,” I exclaimed. My cheeks heated from how desperate I sounded. I took a breath, trying to calm myself. “Don’t go. I haven’t eaten, and that looks delicious.”
I sat up as he walked farther into the room, the normal-sized plate looking small in his large hands. And this man thought he didn’t know how to be in a relationship? He was totally boyfriend material.
He set the plate of food down on the nightstand. “I, uh…I hope you like it.” He held his hands, fidgeting with them like he was nervous, and it was possibly the cutest thing I’d ever seen.
“Thank you. That was very thoughtful,” I said, giving him a smile. “You should join me, and we can watch a show together.” I hadn’t planned on saying that, but the desire to be with him overrode any rational thoughts. And friends ate dinner and watched shows together. It didn’t need to mean anything more than that. And whether anything ever happened between us, I didn’t want to lose him as a friend.
He stilled. “In here?” he asked, like he was struggling to process what I had said. “Like, on your bed?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” I kept my expression as innocent as I could. Maybe he needed proof I was on board with the whole friends thing. What better way to show him than hanging out in my room together, eating and watching a show? He didn’t need to know about the times I’d imagined him lying next to me on this bed in a totally different kind of situation.
He put his hands on his hips like he was reprimanding a toddler. “You know exactly what is wrong with that.”
My mind immediately jumped on his reaction to being alone with me on a bed. I internally sighed at how he had said in so many words that he was still trying to control himself around me. Cue the internal happy dance.
“I can control myself,” I insisted, keeping a straight face. “Can you?”
He shook his head adamantly. “Nope. Not even remotely.”
I laughed, loving that he was being so honest and finally showing some emotion with me. “Oh, c’mon. Go grab your dinner, and we’ll eat while we watch a show. Perfectly innocent and friendship-like.”
A few seconds passed as he dealt with some kind of internal conflict. Eventually he said, “Okay, let me go get my food.”
I smiled, knowing I had won. It might not be good for my head or my heart, but I couldn’t help that I wanted to spend time with him, even if he didn’t want to take things beyond friendship because of his worries.
He returned quickly, sitting on the other side of the bed with his back against the headrest. “Okay, what are we watching?” He picked up his grilled cheese and took a bite.
“Our Planet,” I said, picking up my sandwich too.
“Really?” he asked around a mouthful of food.
“Yeah, I think it’s really interesting. All these creatures from all over the world, trying to survive harsh climates and predators…it’s fascinating.”
His amused expression made me pause. “What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said with a smile. “Let’s watch this fascinating show.”
Fifteen minutes in, our food was gone, and Cannon was hooked. “I can’t decide if I want the polar bear to get the seal, or if I want the seal to escape,” he said, watching with rapt attention.
I smiled. “I told you this show would pull you in.”
He scooted down on the bed, laying his head back on the pillow. “You were right. It is fascinating.”
I followed his actions and moved down to rest my head on my pillow too, but turned on my side so I could face him. “So you’re saying that I know what I’m talking about?”
He turned his head to look at me, our faces closer than I was prepared for. I tried to keep my breathing the same, normal. No need to get all worked up over being this close to him. On a bed.
His handsome face took on a skeptical look. “That sounds like a trick question.”
“Not a trick question,” I smiled. “More like collective evidence that there is truth in what I say.”
He grinned, turning fully on his side now, both of us ignoring the TV show as it cast light and shadows over the darkened room. “I’ve always known you’re an intelligent woman.”
I slowly let my smile fall, letting the gravity of what I wanted to say seep through the air between us before bringing up a more serious conversation. I didn’t want to talk him into being with me, but it was so hard to ignore how we both felt, what was right in front of us. Cannon and I had something great, something I knew we’d both regret if we didn’t give it a chance.
Yes, there was a chance it wouldn’t work, that we’d ruin what we’d built so far, but to me it was worth the risk. He was worth the risk. I’d rather know we didn’t work together than always wonder what could have been.
You didn’t share a kiss with someone like we had and then just walk away. I’d told him I’d respect his boundaries and not cross any lines with him, but it felt impossible when those boundaries had more to do with his lack of self-worth than anything to do with being in a relationship. As broken and messed up as Cannon thought he was, I was willing to walk alongside him, to get him to a place where he could trust, where he could believe he was worthy of love.
I slowly reached for his hand, taking a hold of it. “Then trust me enough to see where this could go, what we could be.”
“Demi,” he exhaled, closing his eyes as if just the thought of being with me, with anyone, was too overwhelming to even think about.
I squeezed his hand, letting him know I was there, that I wasn’t going anywhere.
He opened his eyes, searching my face, and I wondered if he was looking to see if I had any fears. I didn’t. Maybe I should have, but being with Cannon only made me feel peace.
“What if I mess everything up?” he asked, the fear still visible in his eyes.
“You will,” I said, which caught him by surprise. I squeezed his hand again, giving him a smile that I hoped was reassuring. “We both will. That’s what happens in relationships. You try your best, but we’re human, we make mistakes. The key is to learn from those mistakes, apologize, try to be better, because the person you’re with is worth it.” I took my free hand and ran it through his dark hair, then brought it down to rest against his jaw. “You’re worth it, Cannon.”
“But what if you find out I’m not?” he asked, my words not sinking in. “What if you realize I’m not good enough for you, that I don’t have the first clue about how to be a good boyfriend? What if I lose you? What if I lose West, lose the only family I’ve ever had?” Anxiety poured out of him. “I wouldn’t even blame you. If I’m being honest, I’m too worried about losing you and your family, too selfish to risk me losing the only good thing I have in my life.” He shook his head as if he was disgusted with himself. He pulled away, my hand dropping from his face. “How could I ever be what you deserve when I’ve already proven that I put my own needs and wants above yours?”
“Your desire for family connections doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.” I wasn’t sure how to get through to him when his fears were overpowering anything I said. I took a breath, hoping if I stayed calm that it would help him hear my words. “And the fact that you’ve been a part of our family for the past ten years shows that you are capable of being loved, that you are capable of caring about people, that trust and love has been built on both sides. My parents and West will always be in your life no matter what happens between you and me.” I scooted closer to him, laying my hands on his chest, hoping that the physical contact would help my words take hold. “I want to say that I’ll be able to still be your friend regardless of the status of our relationship, but if for some reason I can’t, I’d never take my family away from you.”
“But what if—”
I put my hand to his mouth to stop him. “We could talk about the what-ifs until the sun came up, but they would still only be what-ifs. And if we’re going to talk about any what-if, let’s talk about what if we’re great together. What if being together is the best thing that will ever happen to us?” I slid my hands up his chest and placed my hands on the sides of his neck, lifting my head to press a feather light kiss against his cheek. “What if you were always meant to find us? To find me?”