Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
“It’s a first, ladies and gents. Jonah Klein is last to the party, for once.”
Might as well get ahead of the ball-busting, for once.
Jonah’s announcement caused all heads in Avi and Leah’s living room to turn his way.
“Fashionably late,” Nora called from her spot on the couch. “There’s the Hanukkah suit!”
Jonah ran a hand through his curls, turning to show off the shine of the black velvet; the effect of the neon designs printed on it nearly holographic under the track lighting. Laughter and a smattering of applause broke out from the OG Ballers present.
“Where’s the sweater we bet on?” Avi wanted to know. “This brownstone has three working fireplaces. Imma ready to fire one up, loser.”
“Oh, someone’s been warming it up for ya, loser.”
Jonah reached a hand back. His large frame had been concealing his plus-one to the party. Just as it had first blocked her from the buffet onlookers, starting their whole adventure in motion.
Now, it had come full circle. Literally, as Tzipi gave a twirl in her short skirt.
His ugly Hanukkah sweater had never looked so good.
“Still here,” she said, in her best Kara-as-Vanta voice. Adding the unmistakable pout for good measure. Jonah had made the mistake of kissing some of that gloss stuff off her, and his lips were still on fire.
So worth it though.
Avi’s martini glass dropped to the floor. Luckily, it was practically empty, and it landed with a muted thump on their area rug.
“Is that…that’s not…is she…?”
For once, the rock star had no vocal range. Or snappy comebacks.
“Technically, no. So you can keep your hunnid bucks. Or donate it to charity. But she did stick with me past midnight, so you still have to wear the sweater.”
Tzipi peeled it off and handed it to Avi with a grin. “It’s a little staticky,” she admitted. She ruffled her short locks. The color was still like Kara’s, but she owned the look…reminding Jonah of a bad-ass beautiful Tinkerbell.
He gave her a wink.
Avi Wolfson grumbled good-naturedly, but peeled off his flannel. Tzipi caught a quick glimpse at a flash of tattoos and skin, even though Jonah tried to shield her eyes.
“Ugh, I have to deal with morning sickness and Avi’s abs? Barf!” Nora pulled a face. “Hi, I’m Nora. And this is Talia. But you probably already knew that.” She extended a hand. “Love your look. It’s like Audrey-meets-Sarah Jessica.”
Tzipi had paired her Milly dress – finally – with a pair of thick, patterned tights perfect for a December day in Brooklyn, along with Kara’s knee-high boots with a chunky heel.
“Thanks, exactly the look I was going for.”
She grinned, leaning down and shaking Nora’s hand, then Talia’s newly-engaged one. “I’m Tzipi. And yeah, Kara prepped me a bit.”
“Tell your sister she’s lost her honorary OG status.”
Jay Katz appeared behind Avi, looking relaxed although slightly exhausted. He slowly shook his head, rubbing his temple.
“Dude.” He turned to Jonah. “I don’t even want to know. I probably don’t have enough liability insurance to know. Or to cover your lying ass.”
“How about…what happens on the Matzo Baller, stays on the Matzo Baller?” Jay’s girlfriend suggested, sidling up conspiratorially to Tzipi and handing her a cocktail.
Rebecca – R is for the real captain of the ship – appeared way more at ease too, now that the night was behind them. And that she wasn’t having to wrangle drunk movie stars and other bad actors.
“Except for this.” Jonah held up his phone, as everyone in the room got a ping to theirs.
“Oh, Jo…the group photo!” Nora’s voice caught with emotion. “Sorry, everything makes me cry these days.”
“Thanks for keeping the tradition alive, Tzipi.” Talia said, eyes shining. She tilted her head against Nora’s. “Oh, look! Sylvie was the first to comment.”
Love this. But I’ll be back behind the lens next year!
“And there’s Eli’s heart. It’s almost like we’re all together again.” Nora smiled.
“Speaking of all…is Libby here?” Jonah asked.
“You just missed her,” Avi replied. “She wasn’t exactly in the partying mood tonight.”
Tzipi caught the glances the women exchanged; universal girl-code for trouble in paradise.
She’d only glimpsed Jonah’s pastry artist friend from a distance last night, but she hoped she’d be able to meet her soon.
And that whatever it was wrong, it would soon smooth over as perfect as her cookie icing.
“Oh!” Rebecca pulled something from her purse and offered it to Tzipi. “And that guy who was with Captain Ego all last night? He gave me his card to pass to you during your meet and greet. He said to call him.”
“Ugh, the ghostwriter?” She hastily pocketed it. He probably still wanted that autograph for his mom. Or wanted to fact-check all her interactions with Hannon over the course of the night, and that was not something she wanted to re-live any time soon.
Two men walked out of the kitchen, drinks in hand. She recognized the bartender instantly. The other she’d glimpsed during the chaos of the medical bay.
“Asher and Beck, meet Tzipi.” Jonah grinned. “My date.”
Beck looked at her, looked into his drink, and raised his brows. “Kidding, it’s a mocktail for Nora. But seriously, am I seeing things?”
“If my sister was here – and if Asher was pouring drinks – yes, you’d be seeing double.”
“I knew something was up.” Asher pointed a finger emphatically. “Kara Koff drinks Veuve Clicquot, and only Veuve Clicquot.” He scoffed. “Gin and juice, total giveaway.”
“Yeah, yeah, say Clicquot again, showoff,” Avi ribbed. “Admit it, she fooled all of us. But why?”
“Guys!” The Mahjong Muse strode into the room.
“You’ll never believe this! It’s the wildest thing.
I was just Zooming with my dad and some of the other residents at the retirement home, and you remember my friend Tilly…
Tilly Ackerman? She said attended a livestream of a wedding this afternoon and you’ll never guess who – oh, hi!
I’m Leah. Welcome! Are you a friend of Jonah’s? ”
The entire living room burst out laughing.
“What?” Their hostess’ arched brows crinkled in confusion. “I’m not getting the joke.”
“We hadn’t gotten to the punchline yet,” Jonah deadpanned. “You were saying?”
Tzipi punched his arm for good measure.
“This is Tzipi. Kara’s twin,” Avi gently broke the news to his beloved.
“Oh…oh! Oh my God!” Her hands flew to her mouth. “I thought poor Tilly had lost the plot when she said her grandson and Kara just got hitched. That was you last night?”
“I took one for the team,” Tzipi admitted.
The group began to chatter over each other, swapping stories as recently as last night, and from Matzo Ballers past, about their encounters with Kara…or who they thought was Kara.
Everyone had their stories, even Leah, whose first Baller was last year. The year of Jonah’s fateful fall.
“Yes, I basically face-planted in her cleavage,” Jonah admitted, raising his voice over their laughter. “Memorable.” Against the shell of Tzipi’s ear, a lower confession: “I just wanted to find her this year on board to apologize…but I found a helluva lot more.”
Avi’s keen ears picked it up. “Yo, Jo…you want some cheese to go with that cheese? I think there’s still some brie left.” He nudged a cutting board their way.
“Yeah, yeah.” Jonah loved the roasting, she could tell.
“Girl, I warned you to watch out for this clown,” Jay hooted. “And you,” he said, pointing at Jonah. “I warned you to stay on your best behavior.”
“I behaved so well, she thought I was her bodyguard. Top that!”
Jonah gazed at his friends over the top of the menorah lights.
Six candles, but only five of the original Year Course group were present for it tonight.
He hoped Libby was okay. She was the only one who hadn’t acknowledged the Baller group picture yet.
In it, she’d looked so happy, champagne glass in hand – he was sure there was more to the story there.
He’d missed her, as the gang all swapped their “best of” tales with Tzipi.
With all the significant others, they made a joyful crew as they chorused through the Hanukkah blessing. One by one, couples peeled off and headed home, until it was just him and Tzipi, chatting at the kitchen island with Avi and Leah as the candles burned to dripping nubs.
“Even in my most extreme fan frenzy, I have never pulled a runner of that magnitude. Ever.” Avi shook his head, impressed as he listened to their escape. “Respect. Do you have your sister’s people working damage control?”
Out of all people, Avi got it. The perils of fame. The people, wanting a piece of him. To hitch their wagon to his star. Which was why they had waited until everyone else had gone to share the lingering dilemma.
Tzipi shook her head. “Robby promised he’d embargo the news this weekend, so long as I meet with him Monday morning. Kara will be back tomorrow, and…I just wanted her to have a few days of peace, to enjoy being a newlywed.”
She pulled the sample pill pack from her purse, sliding it across the island to Avi. “Seriously, what would you do?” Jonah asked. “Would you endorse something like this?”
His best friend also knew that with an adoring, highly influenceable public, there came responsibility.
Avi turned the product over in his hand. “I saw some of these, in the green room. And tucked into the VIP baskets. Honestly…” He squinted, examining the label a bit closer. “Not an issue for me. It’s not Kosher.”
“But there’s a little K symbol on the bottom, right there.” Tzipi pointed. “And he told me the capsules were vegan. Not the usual gelatin.”
The rocker shook his unruly locks. “I’m looking at the ingredients. Glucosamine.”
Leah read over his shoulder, nodding. “That’s usually made from shellfish. Otherwise it would show the vegan symbol. Believe me: it was the talk of Bramblewood’s Menorah Campus where my dad lives, when the nursing home dietitian tried to get everyone hooked on it for their joint pain.”
“Are you for real?” The black hole they’d been facing suddenly felt like a loop hole… a gloriously air-tight, legal, ethical and religious loop hole. “Does Kara keep kosher?”
Tzipi nodded. “She even checks the label on gummy bears.”
He jumped to his feet. “Wolfson, I could kiss you right now!”
“Please don’t –”
“Too late, it’s happening!”
“Okay, fine.”
Jonah hoisted him clean off the floor in a celebratory bear hug and planted one right on his lips, causing Tzipi and Leah to laugh. He gave them each a kiss too, so they wouldn’t feel left out. And because Jonah knew he gave exceptionally good bear hugs and fuzzy beard kisses.
“Most commercial glucosamine is crushed shrimp and lobster, spines and shells.” Avi made a face.
“Gross, right? There is a synthetic version, but since you said he bragged about everything else, I’d think he would’ve mentioned it if they were using that kind.
It’s pretty expensive, too.” Avi tossed the pack to Jonah.
“There are tons of hechsherim, many legit but others are a one-rabbi show, not nearly as stringent, in a basement with a rubber stamp.”
He glanced up at Leah, then back to Tzipi. “Two kids of two cantors, here.”
“I’d be highly suspicious of not only their Halachic inspectors, but their regular inspectors, too,” Leah added. “If that is shellfish and it’s not labeled, that could spell real trouble for someone allergic.”
“Eastern wisdom meets western biohacking…all from a factory in Fresno,” Jonah muttered. “What a crock.”
“I know some third party testers in California, from working the food industry space,” Tzipi said. “I’ll text them right now, it’s still three hours earlier back home.”
“And forward me that copy of the contract.” Jonah couldn’t wait to rip into that thing.
“What is it that you do, Tzipi?” Leah asked. “Do we have another chef in our midst?”
“No, I run a zero-waste non-profit. That’s a Wrap, Folks! has contracts with the major Hollywood studios to deliver leftover catering from sets to food kitchens all over Southern California.”
“That’s so cool. I hate when I see catering go to waste,” Avi commented.
“We’ve got so many venues that bend over backwards to fulfill our tour riders, they often go so above and beyond, we couldn’t possibly get through it all before our bus call to the next town just to do it all over again.
If you’re up for it, I can make some introductions to promoters here on the east coast. That is, if you plan to stick around a little while. ”
She snuck a glance at Jonah, right as he dipped his head down to look at her. They hadn’t discussed anything beyond Hanukkah, with everything hinging on how to get her sister out of this matzo ball of a mistake.
“Kara’s going to be alone here in Manhattan while Shel is on his Doctors without Borders mission soon,” she said. “It might be nice to have some sister time. Seeing as she ghosted me last night. Although I don’t know if New York City can live up to the VIP treatment of the Matzo Baller.”
“Oh, wait until you get the Found Family treatment,” Leah assured her. “This group has lifers for a reason.”