Chapter 25 Festival of Fall and Feelings #2
We moved together in the kitchen, her hands showing me how to knead gently, how to let the dough rise slowly, and how to fill the buns with just enough whipped cream—not too little, not too much.
She told stories about Gabriel as a child, his sweet tooth, how he’d sneak maritozzi off the cooling rack when he thought no one was watching.
“You make these with love,” she told me, nudging my hands when I got impatient with the dough. “Or they don’t turn out right.”
By the end of the afternoon, we were covered in flour, laughing, and I had a small tray of imperfect but beautiful buns cooling by the window.
Back in my kitchen now, I shape the dough just as she showed me, letting memory guide my hands. The house smells warm and sweet—like citrus, vanilla, and comfort.
When I take the finished maritozzi out of the oven and pipe in the cream, I snap a photo and send it to Mamma Sirolli with a quick message.
Me
“I tried my hand at your maritozzi again. Not as perfect as yours, but made with love.”
Even in text, she exudes this maternal warmth, the kind that wraps around you like a soft blanket. I miss that feeling more than I care to admit.
Mamma S
Oh, my dear! They look perfect! Gabriel is going to be ecstatic to finally have these at his disposal.
Me
Thank you, Mamma S.
I haven’t told her about Gabriel and me yet. I don’t want to speak too soon. But I can’t help but think that I’m walking a fine line between love and heartache.
Sleep hasn’t come easy for me since I left Gabriel. More than once, I have almost texted him, wanting to ask if I could come over. I feel hypocritical that I still feel all this love for him when I am the one who walked away. I decide to text him anyway.
Me
You up?
Gabby
I’m up, Bumper. Is everything okay?
Me
Yeah! Everything is perfect. Just feeling lonely, missing our time in Lake Como.
Gabby
I can come over. If you want me to.
Me
What about Aura?
Gabby
She’s with the sitter. I’m working. Don’t act like you forgot my schedule.
Shit. I did.
Me
No, I didn’t forget.
Gabby
You totally did. It’s okay. I’ll still come over even if you forgot about me.
Me
I could never forget you, Gab.
Gabby
I’ll be there in 5.
I scramble to tidy up, my heart racing. It may be a huge mistake, but right now, I don’t care. I can deal with the consequences later.
When the knock on my door comes, my pulse spikes. I open it, and there he is—Gabriel, in uniform, looking at me with that familiar heat.
His eyes meet mine before trailing down the rest of my body.
“You look…beautiful, Bumper. Just fucking beautiful.” He says, his voice low and full of longing.
I swallow, trying to keep my composure. “Thank you,” I murmur, stepping aside to let him in.
He takes off his vest, his guns, and his belt.
Setting them carefully on the dining room table, his movements deliberate and measured.
As he places each item down, the heavy weight of silence fills the room.
I stay seated on the couch, watching him, my heart thundering in my chest. I want to reach out, to close the space between us, but I’m paralyzed.
This moment—the one where everything could change, or fall apart.
Once he’s done, Gabriel walks over, his steps soft, his expression unreadable. He sits on the couch beside me, just close enough that I can feel the warmth of his body, but not close enough that I can touch him. His presence fills the space like a storm waiting to break.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out at first. My heart is pounding so loudly in my ears that I can barely hear myself think. I need to say something, but the words are caught in my throat, tangled up in everything I’ve been running from.
“Gabriel,” I finally whisper, my voice trembling despite myself. “We really need to talk.”
He turns his head slightly to look at me, his caramel eyes locking onto mine. They’re the same eyes I’ve spent countless hours gazing into, the eyes of the man I love. The weight of that fact hits me like a physical blow, and I swallow hard, trying to steady myself.
He doesn’t say anything at first. Instead, he shifts closer, inching toward me until our legs are almost touching. My heart lurches, my chest tightening. There’s a magnetic pull between us, one I can’t ignore, one that’s always been there.
“I know we need to talk,” he says, his voice low and rough, like gravel sliding through his throat.
“But…damn, I can’t seem to remember the words I had planned to say to you.
” He reaches up, his hand brushing my hair away from my face, the soft gesture making my breath catch.
His fingertips graze my skin, sending straight sparks through me, and my body betrays me, leaning into him instinctively.
He doesn’t move away. In fact, he leans a little closer, his eyes never leaving mine. His gaze lingers on my lips, a silent question in the way his eyes flicker there before returning to my eyes.
Don’t let him kiss you! Don’t let him distract you.
I bite my lip, forcing myself to stay focused, but my mind is a swirl of emotions, my body a chaotic mess of desire and fear. He’s so close now, I can feel the heat radiating off him. I can’t think straight.
Abort. Abort now!
My skin tingles, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this alive, this desperate. This torn.
“Gabriel.” I try again, but my voice cracks. I clear my throat, willing myself to find the strength to finish this conversation, to say what I know needs to be said. “We can’t just pretend nothing happened. We need to talk about what’s going on. About us.”
He exhales, his breath warm, steady pulse against my skin. “Can we just forget everything tonight, please?” His voice is barely a whisper now, as if he’s afraid to say the words aloud. “Please, just for tonight. All I think about, all I ever think about, is you.”
He leans even closer, his lips hovering just above mine, and the air between us crackles with the tension we’ve both been avoiding for so long.
His hands, strong and sure, move to cradle my face, his thumb grazing over my cheekbone.
“I’ve been an idiot for not loving you the way you deserve.
For not holding onto you with everything I have.
You should’ve never walked away from me. ”
I close my eyes, the weight of his words crashing over me. I want to say something, to tell him that I’ve felt the same way, that I never wanted to walk away, that I’ve been fighting myself every damn minute since I left him. But my throat is tight, and my heart is too full.
I want to wrap him and his words up and carry them around with me. Keeping them as a reminder when I have a bad day.
I open my mouth to speak, but again, no words come. Instead, we stare at each other, the silence stretching long between us, heavy with all the things we haven’t said. Even though the air is thick, neither of us moves.
My body is trembling now, and I don’t know if it’s from the heat of him so close, or the fear of what I’m about to lose.
And then, like a sharp crack that shatters everything, his phone rings.
The sound slices through the moment, pulling me back into the reality I’ve been trying so hard to escape.
I blink, disoriented, my chest still heaving, my skin still tingling from the way his words have touched me.
Gabriel pulls back slightly, running a hand through his hair in frustration before reaching for his phone on the table.
I use the moment to breathe, to try and steady myself, but the damage has already been done. The pull between us, the yearning, the rawness of everything we’ve shared—it’s all laid out between us like a map. But I can’t follow it right now. I’m too scared.
Go ahead, answer it,” I say, my voice weak and almost apologetic.
Gabriel glances at the screen and then back at me. His gaze softens, and for a moment, I see the Gabriel I know, the one who’s always so sure of himself, the one who’d never hesitate to reach for me if I just let him.
“You should get that, I’m gonna go to bed,” I force myself to say, standing up, my legs shaky. “Thanks for coming over, Gabriel.”
He swallows, his throat working as he nods slowly. There’s a quiet pain in his eyes, but he hides it quickly. “Anytime Bumper. Just call, and I’m here.”
His words are gentle, but they sting. I turn away before I can see any more of the sadness on his face. I can’t handle it right now. I feel like I’m already breaking, like I’m already too far gone.
Gabriel stands and grabs his things—his jacket, his keys, his weapons, everything—but before he leaves, he stops by the door, looking back at me.
The same warm, tired smile stretches across his face, the one that always makes my heart flip.
“You know where to find me, Bumper. Just call, and I’ll be there. See you Saturday.”
He steps outside, and I’m left standing in the quiet of my house. The door clicks shut behind, and I sink back onto the couch, my heart heavy and full of all the things I didn’t say.
It’s not that I don’t love him. I do, more than I’ve loved anyone. But right now, I’m terrified of what that love might cost me. And for once, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face it.
As the sound of his footsteps fades into the night, I realize that maybe, just maybe, I might’ve let the best thing in my life walk out that door once again. And this time, I’m not sure it’ll ever be the same.