33. Chapter 33
Lavender pulled back from the intoxicating taste of Tom and searched his unshaved face.
She could tell in a couple stilted breaths that he was not going to answer her question.
But did he really need to? She saw the love he had for her in his stormy gray eyes, felt it in the way he’d kissed her back, heard it in every reason he’d given her that they would not suit.
But her past screamed at her to be wary.
She’d believed Mr. Lanscombe to be in love with her not six months ago. She could be wrong again.
Things had always been different with Tom, she reminded herself yet again.
He’d never given Lavender empty promises or told her lies.
From the beginning, he tried to establish proper societal lines between them.
It had always been Lavender’s choice to erase those lines.
And that kiss—it was as if Tom had given her heart wings.
She’d never felt a sliver of the amount of passion from Mr. Lanscombe.
However, words were important. If Tom wasn’t willing to return Lavender’s sentiment, it was time she put her dreams of love on the shelf. She’d done all she could to convince him. If he rejected her again, she would send her heart with Tom, even if she could not follow it.
Swallowing bitter disappointment at Tom’s continued silence, she resolved to move forward. It was past time to bring her father some peace.
She kissed Tom once more on the cheek—knowing it would be the last time she would meet him like this. “No matter what comes next, I will always love you, Tom.”
Lavender couldn’t look at Tom, she didn’t want him to see her crying. So she rushed back to the house.
“Lady Lavender, wait,” Tom called.
But she couldn’t wait anymore. It was all she’d been doing, and she was so tired of hoping when it came to Tom.
She knew about his feelings for her, but hearing them again would only make what she needed to do next more difficult.
She made it all the way to her bed chamber before the full realization of her future crashed down on her.
She had less than a week to discover how to free herself from Lord Chilcott’s machinations.
If he ruined her like he planned to, there would be no recovery for her or her family.
She may not be married within the week, but that was better than dragging her entire family into social ruin. There would be no more entertaining Lord Chilcott; he’d declared war, and she intended to give battle.
Miriam brought a breakfast tray up to Lavender’s chamber the next morning.
The way she looked at Lavender with pity made Lavender suspect that she’d not hidden the evidence of her crying all night with any success.
Tom’s refusal to marry her hurt more than she could bear.
But Lavender still loved him, and she believed that he knew her better than anyone in the ways that truly mattered.
She’d decided in the early morning hours to take his advice and see if she would suit with the Duke of Fenleigh.
It was foolish desperation, but she was out of options.
She had but to find him—and thanks to Lord Chilcott, she believed she could.
Lavender had put her tears away hours ago and was dressed to go out as soon as was socially acceptable.
“Good morning, Miriam,” Lavender said with probably too much playfulness.
“Morning.” Miriam raised an eyebrow. “How are you?”
“I am well, thank you. I was hoping we could call on Lord Chilcott this morning.”
Miriam set the tray down and tilted her head, taking in Lavender’s forced smile. “Are you certain that is a good idea? The man plans to ruin you, if you recall?”
Lavender laughed a little. “Of course I remember. But he can’t very well do that if we visit him at his home. You would be with me as chaperone, and he has no audience.”
“That is true,” she said slowly. “But what do you wish to accomplish?”
Taking a fortifying breath, Lavender told Miriam what she’d practiced for the better part of half an hour in the wee hours of the morning: “I want to convince Lord Chilcott I love him.”
Miriam’s jaw dropped open. “But you don’t.”
“You and I both know that. But if he wants to manipulate me, I’m going to let him believe he is. Once he believes he has my compliance, I will be let into his confidence.”
Miriam pulled her lips between her teeth in obvious discomfort. “You aren’t thinking clearly. He will ruin you.”
“I’m only asking you for one visit to his house. After that, I intend to disappear for a while, whether my plan works or not.” Lavender held her chin high. “I am determined to meet the lost duke, and Lord Chilcott is the only one who can get me closer to the answers.”
“Why are you so set on finding Fenleigh?”
Lavender took a shaky breath. “Tom suggested it.”
“He suggested you go looking for the lost duke?” Miriam asked with surprise clear in her voice.
“Not precisely,” Lavender admitted. “He suggested that I might be a good match for the duke.” She could feel her eyes filling with tears, but there was nothing for it. “I trust Tom.”
Miriam nodded. “If we were to visit Lord Chilcott at his home, you would be setting the terms of who is witness to the meeting, but I still don’t like it. I believe we ought to consult with Samuel’s mother on the subject.”
Lavender nodded. “Wonderful. Is she awake?”
“She will need some time to finish getting ready. I can ask her to meet us in the breakfast room at nine.”
Lavender looked at the clock on the writing desk. It was only seven-thirty. Nine seemed to be an eternity away. However, she could not accomplish her plan alone. “That sounds lovely.”
Miriam set a hand on Lavender’s arm. “You are certain you are well?”
“Of course,” Lavender nodded. In reality, she felt good about taking action. She was tired of waiting on someone else to solve her predicament. Even if this was not a perfect solution, it was better than floundering and feeling the keenness of her heartache.
Miriam didn’t look convinced, but she left Lavender to her breakfast. Lavender wasn’t particularly hungry, but she knew it was important to keep her wits about her, so she ate the ham and eggs with toast in her bedchamber while she discreetly packed her trunk.
Should anything go awry, it would be best to leave immediately.
She didn’t want to put Samuel and Miriam’s family through any blame for her situation.
Only the necessities for the day were left easily accessible.
Then she took herself down to the library to pass the remaining few minutes.
The dowager duchess was already there, sitting in Lavender’s favorite chair. “I thought I might find you here.”
“Lady Gilfordshire, good morning,” Lavender said a touch too brightly.
The dowager waved her hand as if shooing away a fly. “Codswallop. Come sit with me.”
Lavender took the closest seat to the elderly woman. “Can I get you anything?”
“You are being a ninny, you know?”
“Excuse me?” Lavender pulled her head back.
“A ninny,” the dowager said again, a little slower. “I believe I was quite clear.”
Lavender pressed her mouth into a firm line. She would not be baited to tell this woman anything.
“You believe you can run from love?”
Lavender didn’t flinch at the truth of her words. She might be running, but she knew her heart would not change. She was simply doing what must be done to be certain her family was happy. “Who do you believe I am running from?”
“Tom, of course.”
Lavender’s stomach lurched at the sound of his name.
She didn’t know how the dowager knew about the growing feelings Lavender had for the gardener, but it didn’t matter anymore either way.
“Tom knows my feelings.” Lavender looked the old woman in her graying eyes, not trying to mask the heartbreak she felt.
“In the meantime, do you have any other suggestions for me to avoid ruining everyone associated with myself?”
“Tom is entirely bacon-brained.” Lady Gilfordshire folded her arms across her chest. “You do know that you are about to make Miriam have a fit of hysteria, don’t you? She doesn’t believe in settling for anything less than love in one’s marriage.”
Lavender smiled a little at that. Miriam did tend toward the dramatics. “You aren’t trying to dissuade me from my plan?”
“Never. In fact, I’d like to come along if that’s alright with you.”
Lavender felt as if the elderly woman was trapping her in some way, but she couldn’t see where. “I’d love your company . . . and support, if I can get it.”
The dowager winked at Lavender. “I’ll support you, though I give no guarantees of how that support will manifest itself.” She pushed up from her chair. “Now, let’s get some breakfast before we go make the mistake of telling Lord Chilcott you love him.” She winked.
“So Miriam has spoken with you already?”
“Of course she has.”
The thought of fawning over Lord Chilcott made Lavender ill, but she forced a smile anyway and held out her arm to escort the dowager into the breakfast room.
Miriam was situated at the head of the table with a heaping plate of food.
Toast, kidneys, fruit, and eggs were piled high, and she sat taking dainty little bites.
Miriam nodded to Lavender and the dowager upon their entrance. “Please do sit, I would like to finish breaking my fast before we leave.” She turned to her mother-in-law. “Lady Lavender’s situation is quite complicated, is it not?”
“Of course it is. Where matters of the heart are concerned, there is rarely an uncomplicated way to go about it. You and I both know that.” The dowager sat down.
Miriam tipped her head in agreement.
“Can I get you anything from the sideboard?” Lavender asked the dowager.
She waved her wrinkled hand to refuse, but taking another look at Miriam’s plate she took a deep breath. “It seems we will be here for some time. I’ll have a plate of fruit, dear. Thank you.”
Lavender filled a plate with some fruit to the sound of Miriam’s silverware clinking against her plate.
She set it before the dowager and then made a cup of tea for herself.
She didn’t trust herself to be able to eat amid the questions that would surely arise.
“As you know,” Lavender began as she sat down, “I would like to visit Lord Chilcott. Last night, I believe he quite enjoyed my company. With how eagerly he has been seeking me out these past months, I don’t believe my speaking of the future would be wholly unexpected. ”
Miriam stuffed a large bite into her mouth and looked at the dowager.
“It is . . . unconventional for the lady to make her feelings and desires known to a gentleman until he has confessed his intentions,” the dowager said as she set her napkin on her lap.
“Yes, I know,” Lavender agreed. “But it is also unconventional to force someone into a courtship, is it not?”
Miriam slapped the table with her hand. “Precisely! Why are we not giving the man the cut direct when he has treated you so abominably?”
Lavender forced another smile. “I give you full permission to give him the cut direct upon our leaving his home, but I need whatever information he has to be able to find the lost duke. He believes he is using me, so I’ll use him in return.
” She took a sip of her tea as if she weren’t discussing treachery over breakfast. When no one replied, she went on.
“My other option would be to go to Mr. Lanscombe and ask for him to renew his attentions to me.”
“That insufferable man that came last week? I forbid it.” Miriam’s face began to flush pink.
Lavender set her hand atop of Miriam’s and squeezed.
“I want to avoid that route as much as you do. Allow me to try to find the duke in my own way. If I can clear his name, I expect he will return to society. If I’m lucky, he might even consider marrying me as a means of saying thank you for saving him from beheading.
” As gruesome as the thought was, if the duke was proven guilty, that would be his fate.
Miriam grimaced. “Romeo and Juliet would have never allowed such trivial things to get in the way of true love.”
“Treason is not such a trivial matter. And who said anything about true love?” Lavender asked, masking the slice of pain at the idea behind a smile.
Miriam opened and closed her mouth as her cheeks turned crimson.
“Do you know nothing about me? I am true love’s biggest proponent.
I simply don’t think you should marry before you’ve found that one person who makes your heart sing and your life full.
I think you know who that person is.” She raised an eyebrow at Lavender in accusation.
The dowager duchess coughed, but Lavender suspected she was covering a laugh.
Did everyone in the household know about Lavender’s feelings for Tom?
But no, Miriam would not advise her to marry so far beneath her station.
Surely she only wanted Lavender to continue trying to find someone else that suited her fancy.
“That is where you and I differ. I came here to bring my family peace, not to find love. In fact, my goals have been specifically not to find love but to find someone who will allow me use of their incredible library.”
Miriam stuffed another bite into her mouth in an obvious attempt to silence herself on the matter.
“A library?” The dowager asked. “Have you a list of gentlemen who have such a library?”
“I know a couple.” Lavender lifted her chin in a show of confidence.
The dowager smiled. “And who are they?”
“The Duke of Fenleigh has an incredible library.”
Miriam began choking on her food. Coughing and leaning over the table. Lavender stood to go to her aide, but Miriam swatted her away, her eyes watering.
“Can I get you anything?” Lavender asked.
Miriam took a long drink of her tea and coughed once more. “I am well, not to worry.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I don’t know what came over me.” She looked down at her heaping plate and smiled. “I am quite hungry this morning. Perhaps you could tell us more about Fenleigh’s library?”
Lavender tried to temper her smile. “Words would not do it justice.”
Miriam rang the bell and Savannah stepped into the room. “Would you be so kind as to fetch Tom for us?”
Savannah bobbed a small curtsy and left the room.
Lavender clenched her teeth together. She knew that reacting to Tom’s presence would be a mistake in this particular moment. She turned to the dowager. “Do you know other gentlemen with exquisite libraries?”