Chapter 19 Naomi #4
She had spent her whole life trying to do the opposite, trying to maintain peace at all costs.
But it had never worked—not with Simon and definitely not with Will.
It’s what Abby had been trying to tell her all along, since the very beginning, but she hadn’t been ready to listen.
It had taken her two weeks—or more like three decades and two failed marriages—but she was finally, truly, ready to not only hear the message but do something about it.
She lifted her head from her hands. “So let me guess, you think that if I want to have Will in my life again, I need to win him back instead of lying around in my room feeling sorry for myself.”
A smile appeared on Abby’s face that made it unnecessary for her to say any more.
“I hate your advice.” Almost every fiber of her being was shrieking for her to stop and leave well enough alone, except for the one, tiny, thin fiber that was tugging at her to press on.
And she clung to that one. “But let’s suppose, hypothetically, that you were right.
What now? I mean you said it yourself: Simon went out of his way to make sure I wouldn’t have any way to prove where I was that night. ”
“Well,” Riley said. “You didn’t teleport there. Somebody must have seen you go to and from your apartment.”
When she shook her head, Abby took a swing. “What about at the café? Didn’t you have a server?”
“I never went inside. I tried calling the attorney when I got there, and the number was suddenly out of service. I waited outside the restaurant for a while but it was pretty obvious no one was coming.”
“Did you take a cab or rideshare?” Riley tried again.
“No, I walked.”
“Did you stop at an ATM?”
“No.”
“A convenience store?”
“No.”
“Any kind of store at all?”
“And seriously, not one selfie?” Becca said, the disbelief making the words come out in a squeak.
“No!” Naomi felt the small spark of hope Abby had inspired begin to flicker and fade. “I can’t believe I managed to make myself completely invisible.”
“So,” Abby crossed her arms and her legs, as if reassembling herself would reassemble her thoughts.
“Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way.
Maybe it’s not about proving to him that it wasn’t you in those photos.
Maybe it’s about speaking your truth. As the adage goes, our secrets make us sick.
And in the end, it was the secrets that really caused the problems, right?
Simon had all the power because he was being kept a secret and he could control the narrative. ”
“I guess so,” Naomi said. Her heart skipped a beat like she was being led to the edge of a cliff and asked to believe that there was an invisible ledge below that would catch her.
“What if you take that power away from him by not hiding or being ashamed anymore? You have nothing to be ashamed of. There’s no shame in marrying a man who turned out to be something else than what you thought.
There’s no shame in the fact that you tried to protect Will from danger.
There’s no shame that you met with that lawyer, hoping it would help your marriage get off on the right foot. ”
“You’re saying, I should tell him … everything.”
“If he’s going to give up on your relationship, then let him do it with all the facts. Let him face the truth of what you’ve been through and what you were trying to do. And no matter what he decides, you can be free of all those secrets once and for all.”
“Free.” The idea of not carrying around a boulder-sized backpack stuffed with fear and shame was so exhilarating she felt dizzy.
At the same time, it seemed somehow outlandish.
Could it be that simple? She answered her question out loud.
“Well, what I’ve tried up until now hasn’t worked too well for me, so I guess there’s no harm in trying this. ”
Becca spoke up. “You know, when I told Peter about those other boys, I felt so much better.”
Abby gave her sister a wearied glance. “Except for the part where you didn’t tell him and he figured it out on his own.”
“Whatever. I told him with my actions, Abigail.” Becca folded her arms. “My point is that once it was out, that’s when things started to get better.”
Naomi was deciding between letting the advice she was getting sink in and laughing at the fact that Abby and Becca were actually almost agreeing with each other when another thought entered her mind. “How am I supposed to tell him anything when he isn’t talking to me?”
“Oh, that’s easy. Text him,” Riley said.
“I have. But he hasn’t responded to any of them.”
“Yes,” Riley said, pushing their glasses up the rim of their nose for effect. “But reading texts and responding to them employ two entirely different muscle groups.”
“I don’t think it’s physically possible for a person to not read a text,” Becca said.
“Exactly.” Riley pointed a finger at Becca for emphasis.
“What if he’s blocked me?” she said.
Abby made a nuh uh sound. “I’d bet my therapist’s license that he hasn’t. He’s hurt—but he loves you. I don’t think he’s going to cut you out of his life completely.”
Naomi fished her phone out of the pocket of her sweatshirt and stared at the screen. “I just … text him.” Her fingers trembled as she hesitated over the keyboard. She looked up, her voice wavering. “And you’ll help me?”
Everyone nodded in unison.
Naomi took a deep breath and started typing.
NAOMI:
My love, I want to tell you everything because I’ve come to realize that we both deserve the truth. You deserve to hear it and I deserve to say it.
I can’t find a way to prove to you I wasn’t with Simon the night before our wedding. But I’m not so sure that’s important anymore. Because if you understood who Simon was and what I’ve been through, you’d understand why I would never have been with him.
Simon … was my world. He was my first love, that bigger than life love that you can only have when you’re young.
He was charming and sweet and handsome and when we got married our future together seemed so certain and so perfect.
Turns out it was none of those things. And I blamed myself for not seeing it.
I mean how can you miss the warning signs of an abuser?
How can you NOT KNOW? But I didn’t. Even when I kept ending up in the hospital I still didn’t know.
I thought it was something we could work through.
Until I was finally able to hear what the people around me were telling me: that it wasn’t going to get better and I might die while I was waiting.
I’ve lived with that shame ever since. The shame that I put myself in that situation and that I stayed there when nothing was stopping me from leaving.
Every time Simon reappeared in my life after the divorce, every time he threatened or harassed me, every time the police and the courts told me that there was nothing they could do to stop him, a part of me felt like I deserved it.
It was my punishment. A reminder of what I had done.
And then I met you, and I felt like you shouldn’t be punished for my crimes.
For you, life has always been simple, filled with potential and joy.
And I wanted to keep it that way for you.
I wanted to protect you. And it seemed like that was what you would have wanted.
Remember the night you told me you told you thought it was bad enough for people to create problems, but unforgivable to make the people you love suffer too?
You were talking about a reality TV show but I heard you loud and clear.
That’s why I did what I thought was best for you. I kept the problems I created, I kept him and that part of my life, as far away as possible so you wouldn’t have to suffer.
I should have told you because you deserved to know. But more importantly, I should have told you because I deserve to stop punishing myself and start being myself. My whole self.
The night before our wedding, I wasn’t with Simon.
Not exactly. I thought I was meeting with an attorney to give Simon something he wanted and in doing so would ensure he would stay out of our lives forever.
I thought I’d make my final atonement and you and I would be safe, together.
But that’s not how it worked out. I’d learn afterwards that the attorney I was going to meet with wasn’t real and that while I was away, those photos were being taken.
Simon told me he’d do whatever it takes to get me back.
And I think that’s exactly what he tried to do.
If I could have been open from the start, his attempts would have failed.
But he relied on the fact that I’ve always kept him secret and I played right into that.
I have to live with that. But I won’t live with it like I’ve lived with everything else.
I am done letting Simon make me feel like I am the one who committed the crime by loving him. I am done believing that his abuse can define me or my future. I am done hiding from him or anyone else. Today, perhaps for the first time as an adult, my life is my own.
I would love to start that new life with you by my side. But even if that’s not something that can happen, I hope you can move forward knowing that I truly did, and always will, love you.