Chapter Thirty-Four
I drove home both lighter and heavier at the same time. When was the last time I’d had such a deeply personal conversation with my mother? Ever? It was a surreal feeling.
I didn’t know where to go from here. I hadn’t expected my afternoon to unfold quite the way it did. It threw me off track, and I was so far from the beaten path I didn’t know if I’d ever find my way back.
I pulled into the driveway to find Mike’s car there, as expected. He said he was going to spend the day doing some cleaning, which made me snicker at the time. His version of tidying up was putting on a new roll of toilet paper and throwing out the old one.
“Hello,” I called out when I stepped inside. The living room still looked the same; although, it hadn’t been too messy to begin with. “Hello, Mike? You there?”
I walked through the kitchen, noticing his dirty dishes in the sink, and went toward my office to drop off my work bag. I stopped in the doorway. The room looked different, more open. Cleared out. It took me half a second to realize why—the boxes of toys and bags of clothes were gone.
“Hey, Jillian. I thought I heard you come home.” I turned to see Mike coming up the basement stairs.
“Where’d you put all this stuff?” I asked.
“I dropped it off at the donation center this morning. You asked me to do that, remember?”
“Well, yes, a few months ago. I was still going through the house whenever I had time, adding to the pile, but… thank you.” I took the paperwork out of my bag and filed it in the drawer.
“You’re welcome. I thought about keeping some things, you know, for Daniel’s kids, but most of it was pretty worn out. Except for some of the board games—”
Games? I tuned out the rest of his words as my eyes darted to the side of my desk. I peeked underneath, then behind. My pounding in my ears grew louder and louder.
“Jillian, is something wrong?”
I tossed around a stack of folders. The room was pretty damn clean; there weren’t too many places for a square box to play hide and seek. No. Please, no.
“I had a game set aside. It was separate from the donation pile.” I spoke calmly and rationally. “Have you seen it?”
“Sure. It was right there?” He pointed to the place by my desk where I’d made a spot for it. Where I saw it every time I worked, which was a hell of a lot. “I stacked it with the others and brought it in.”
“Why would you do that? It was set aside for a reason, Mike.” My voice had lost some of its evenness. If it was anything like my emotions, it resembled a serrated ice pick. I had this sickening feeling I couldn’t tame, and it was grower stronger.
All I had to do was breathe. “Which center did you take it to?”
“The one on North Ave. What’s this about? Was that Daniel’s favorite game or something?”
“I gotta go,” I yelled as I ran for the door. If I remembered correctly, the place closed in twenty minutes, and that’s how long it took to get there.
I made it in eighteen. The chances were still pretty good, I assured myself. He’d only dropped it off that morning. It was unlikely someone had purchased it already. The center probably hadn’t even finished sorting through everything. It was a huge load.
I darted inside as the clerk was walking to the door, probably to lock it. “I’m looking for a game. It’s called Bunked . Purple and green box. It was dropped off earlier.”
I expected the woman to laugh at my frantic request. I was talking so quickly, and I sounded like I was jonesing. ‘Must need board game fix.’ When she handed it to me, I had to make sure I didn’t smack my lips and bounce up and down.
“I’m sorry, honey.” There was no laughter, only kind eyes. “We were cleared out of all our games and toys today. Every so often they get picked up for Children’s Hospital.”
“Oh… okay then.”
“Are you ill? Do you need to sit down?” The woman was peering at me with a concerned expression, making me wonder how I must look to her.
“No, I’m fine. Thank you for your time.”
I wandered back to my car and got inside. What just happened here? I drove like a lunatic on heavily trafficked roads for what… a used board game? I didn’t understand my impulsive reaction. Yes, Chase and I had played that game, but we did lots of things together. Should I have been saving all our used condoms too?
I started the drive back home. It’s a fucking game, I reminded myself. I could go buy a brand spanking new one right now. One that didn’t have a beer stain on one of the cards or have his fingerprints all over the damned timer.
Only a game, Jillian.
Plop.
A fucking game.
Plop plop.
It means nothing.
Plop plop plop .
I was underwater by the time I made it home. A drowned mess. Hair sticking to my face, snot running down my lips. I didn’t even know how I did it. My eyes felt like someone had poured acid into them.
I went inside and straight to my room, having no recollection if I’d seen or talked to Mike. I shut my door and crawled into bed, the tears never once taking a break, the sobs never once quieting from my mouth.
At one point in the night, I glanced over and saw Perry sitting there. “How…?” I had to be dreaming.
“Shhh…” She came over and rocked me like a child. “Don’t talk, just cry. You need this, Jills. I’m here for you.”
I stayed in that room for three days. I started to believe I was sick for as much as I slept. When I was awake, Perry was either forcing me to eat tasteless soup, or I was crying, sometimes both. My eyes had become swollen slits.
By the time my jag had finally come to an end, I was tapped dry. Wiped out as if I’d been through a seventy-two-hour labor, not lounging around in bed. But it all had worth, because once the gunk cleared away, I was left with a clear mind.
“I love him, Perry.”
“I know you do.”
“Do you think I’m too late?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think not.”
I sat up in bed and guzzled from my water bottle. My mouth tasted like I’d barely survived a bout of the stomach flu. “I need to brush my teeth.”
“Yes, you do.”
“And take a shower.”
“Yes, you definitely do.” She smiled. “Good thing you have a working air conditioner, or things could have gotten a whole lot funkier in here.”
“Still hot out?” I asked. It was a strange feeling to have days of your life disappear.
“Yep.” We were in the middle of an Indian summer and temps were hovering in the high eighties. “But I did open the windows at night to get in some fresh air.”
I didn’t know how she managed to stay with me so long. “I hope I didn’t get you in trouble with your job.” I quickly scanned through my schedule, praying I hadn’t bailed on any appointments. Whew… I lucked out.
She waved her hand. “I took vacation days. I had extra anyway.”
“Thank you, Perry.” Who else could have taken care of me like that? My money wouldn’t have gone on my ex, especially because my breakdown was due to reasons he’d never understand. “What made you come here in the first place?”
“Can you believe Mike called me?”
“What?”
“Yeah. I’m glad he did, but he needs to get a clue. God, I swear. He didn’t know how to handle you, and he thought you were having ‘woman’”—she did air quotes—“issues. He said you freaked out over some game and then wouldn’t stop crying. He should know better; he’s a doctor, for Christ’s sake.”
“He’s a shoulder surgeon, not a gynecologist.”
She rolled her eyes. “He should still know better.”
“In his defense, I’ve never acted like this before.”
“You’ve never been in love like this before.”
We sat in silence for a while. I needed to get outside and feel some sunshine. I needed to do a lot of things.
“You know you have to talk to Mike, right? And you have to do it soon. He needs to leave.”
“I know.”
I had a new plan: Mike, then Chase.
And pray it wasn’t too late.