Chapter 10
The next week flew by. My time had been dominated by the internship program, and now that we had a general plan in place, I needed to catch up on my regular work responsibilities. Mind-numbing screening interviews filled my days.
Applicant Dud Number 478 sat in front of her camera, barely paying attention to the questions I asked her. “What would you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Oh, it’s definitely that I am a perfectionist. I work too hard, and it can stress me out. But it is only because I want to give the best work possible for my company.”
I tried to hide my cringe at the most stereotypical and frustrating answer possible for this question. Working hard was not a weakness, and those who gave that answer were too unaware or too cowardly to admit they had room for growth.
“Well, thank you for answering my questions. Do you have questions for me?”
“No.”
I nodded, trying to keep the pessimistic laugh at bay. I wish I could have recorded this interview to show the interns this summer. Students, this is Sharon. She did exactly what you didn’t do in an initial interview. See her incomplete answers, her seeming disinterest in learning more about the company. Don’t be like Sharon.
I ended the Zoom meeting with a groan. There had been some good candidates, but not as many as I needed. As I stretched, I glimpsed Ben coming toward my office, and I bit my lower lip to keep my smile hidden.
“Coffee incoming.” He kicked the door closed behind him, setting my cup on the desk next to me. I grabbed it and guzzled it down.
“You are too good to me.”
“Nothing more than you deserve.”
I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. “So, it’s poisoned, then?”
“Not this time. I have to lull you into a false sense of security first. Make sure people see me bringing you coffee often, so I’m not a suspect when it all goes wrong.” His smile made his eyes crinkle and my stomach flip. “What’s up? You seem stressed.”
“If I have to hear one more person tell me their greatest weakness is they work too hard, I’m going to burn this entire place to the ground.”
“What’s the right answer?” he asked.
“Finally admitting defeat? And you said I’d have to be the one to leave.”
He shook his head as he laughed. “Never. You’re stuck with me for the long haul.”
My stomach flipped again, and I couldn’t stop my smile. “The right answer is honesty. You’re starting a relationship with our company and every person in it. No one is perfect. If you can’t be honest about your weaknesses, how can we decide if we’re the right fit? Would you want a relationship with someone who lied to you?”
A shadow crossed his eyes as he nodded. “But you can’t expect to know everything from the beginning. It takes time to get to know a person. An applicant, I mean.”
“No, not everything. But the big stuff.” I watched him over the top of my coffee. “Are we still discussing my job, Benjamin? Or do you have some skeletons?”
His lip quirked. “You wanna see my skeletons, Juliana?”
“Sounds spooky,” I said with a laugh. “Should I be scared?”
“Nothing scary, I promise. But I do have some things I’d like to talk to you about. Maybe over coffee?” He glanced meaningfully at the cups on the table between us.
I took a moment to look him over. He was wearing another button-down, a bright blue this time that complemented his golden skin. His sleeves were rolled up again, and I could almost feel the corded muscles under my hands as I imagined him wrapping his arms around me from behind. I shook the image off and tried to refocus on my mountain of work.
“Noted,” I answered, and his smile grew. “But right now, I need to prep for my next interview. Thanks for the coffee.” He waved as he walked back out of the office but stopped as he reached the door.
“Oh, I wanted to give you a heads-up. Remember Connor from engineering? The one who was against the inclusion initiative in the staff meeting?” he asked, and I nodded. “He’s been stirring up trouble. He is trying to get people to speak up against it. A few of my team have told me he’s trying to rile them up.”
“What’d you say to them?”
“I told them to bring concerns to me, and we’ll discuss them. I’m on board with everything you and Asia came up with, and I want them talking to me instead of each other. But I only control my department, so you may hear more about it.”
I ran my hands through my hair, fighting the urge to pull it out at the roots. “Why are people the worst?”
“You can handle them. Going up against you isn’t a good idea. Trust me. I have plenty of experience with it.” I peeked at him through my fingers and caught the soft smile on his face. “Good luck.”
Ben had no reason to be on the HR floor, but I’d seen him every day this week. The secret smile he sent my way when he passed my office further confirmed he came down for me.
Like today, he usually brought me coffee. He claimed the HR floor had the best coffee in the building and figured he’d bring one to me, too, since he was here anyway. It was an obvious lie, but the smile he slid my way alongside the coffee told me he’d keep up the ruse for as long as I needed it. I was surprised he knew how I took it the first time he dropped a cup off, the barest touch of cream and sugar to cut the bite. He wanted to stay, but I barely had time to pee between interviews, much less enjoy a leisurely coffee with my office crush.
Things with Ben were moving in a dangerous direction.
I’d been in love only once in my life. On the surface, it looked nothing like this thing with Ben. It was full of shy giggles, squealing with my dormmates over dates, and a teenage optimism that was out of reach to me now. Jason and I went from strangers to soulmates over the course of a few weeks and never looked back—until he was gone, and all I could do was look back.
Now I had sarcastic grins instead of giggles, sparring instead of squealing, and the pessimism of a widow unsure if it was possible to feel love again.
But I couldn’t deny the deeper feelings underneath those interactions. I’d spent years calling the swirling sensation in my stomach anger and anxiety when I knew it was more complicated than that. Just like with Jason, I felt a constant urge to be around Ben, to hear his thoughts and share my own. It had manifested as bickering, but even through the arguments, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It only took a week of civility to have me imagining what we might be like together if I let us try.
And that kiss.
It would be all or nothing for us. Either we’d fall in love or explode like a supernova. I was thankful for the weekend to decide if I was ready to jump into something that could be real.
Saturday morning started early for the Ryan family. For once, there was a field trip on a weekend. The second-grade classes were headed to the Environmental Studies Center, lovingly dubbed the Mud Walk by all the local families. We were, literally, going on a mud walk, a three-mile hike through a Florida swamp to learn about the ecosystem. Parents were obsessive about getting a chaperoning spot. I imagined them all sitting over their phones, waiting to call in like an early aughts teen trying to get Backstreet Boys tickets. My spot was safe thanks to Gabriela, who put me on the list before it even opened.
The only problem was that Clara’s soccer game held a permanent spot on our Saturday mornings. Thankfully, Auntie Asia came to the rescue, more than willing to cheer her on from the sidelines as I hiked through the mud. The two of them headed off to her game after one more good-luck hug and kiss. I made Asia promise to take an absurd number of pictures and text me a play-by-play.
“Ready to go, sweet pea?” I asked Sophie as she bounded down the hallway. In the car she talked animatedly about the day while getting herself buckled in.
“This is going to be the best. Clara said it’s so much fun. We’re all going to get covered in mud! But it’s okay. I grabbed one of Clara’s shirts so mine won’t get dirty. Chloe said she’s going to sneak some mud down Ethan’s shirt. She says it’s cause he’s gross, but I think it’s cause she likes him. And I’m so excited for you to meet Paris. She’s my best best best friend of all time.”
I laughed. She had a new best best best friend every few weeks. I flashed back to our last family vacation before we lost Jason. While waiting for our flight, Sophie made friends with another little girl waiting for her own. The two of them clung to each other when it came time to board, sobbing about losing their best friend in the whole wide world.
I had heard a lot about Paris, enough that Sophie wanted to join soccer to play with her. Four years of her sister playing, she never once wanted to play. We were at the field every weekend, and I am pretty sure she had never even sat and watched a game.
I tuned back into her babbling just in time to hear her say, “… and she says her dad is the nicest dad in the whole world, and he’s really cute and doesn’t have a girlfriend.” I looked in the rearview mirror to see her smiling at me.
“That’s too bad for him.” The look I sent her said this conversation was over.
“I was thinking if you married her dad, then we could be sisters.”
“That’s true. But remember, Sophie, I told you to stop trying to set me up with people.”
I refused to engage in the conversation beyond that. She had taken it upon herself to fix me up many times. Clara was older when we lost Jason, but Sophie was barely old enough to form permanent memories when he died. She seemed more intrigued by the idea of a dad than anything, and I didn’t know how to keep Jason an active memory for her when everything was fading.
In the parking lot, she hopped out the moment the car was in park, sprinting into the school to her classroom. I laughed, gathering everything together. She’d miss her change of clothes when she had to ride the bus home covered in mud.
“Where’s your mom?” Gabriela asked her.
“She’s just slow, Miss Mendoza.”
I called out from the doorway. Gabriela squealed and rushed to hug me, acting like it had been years since we saw each other rather than a week ago.
She dropped her voice low. “I’m so happy you’re here. The room mom this year is nowhere near as fun as you. She is so buttoned-up. Every time I make a joke, she stares at me like I have snakes for hair.”
“God, I wish I could be back with you,” I said. “Thank you for snagging me a chaperoning spot.”
“Of course. I’d rather you than anyone else. We have a big group, the same people who are always here. But there is one new addition. A single dad, which we almost never see in here.”
I knew where this was going before she took her next breath. Between Sophie, Gabriela, and her grandmother, I didn’t think I would ever get a break. “Juliana, you have to see this guy. I swear, he looks like he walked straight out of a superhero movie. All tall and buff.” She groaned and then caught herself. “And his eyes. I could stare at that man all day.”
“Gabriela, you are a happily engaged woman.”
She laughed, nudging my shoulder. “True, but you’re not.”
Her words made me seize up. I looked down at my left hand, noticing for the first time the tan line from my wedding ring had faded. The realization landed like a punch to the gut.
“Oh my god, honey, I am so sorry. I didn’t even think, and that was such a terrible thing to say.” She pulled me into a hug, and I focused on my friend instead of the stab of grief. It always popped up at the worst times. “We made shirts for all the chaperones. Why don’t you take yours into the bathroom to change?”
I headed to the bathroom with my new shirt, giving myself the time it took to change to wallow in the unfairness of life. Gabriela shouldn’t be determined to tell me about a hot single dad, because I should be happily married. Asia shouldn’t have to take Clara to her game, because Jason should have been there. I let myself feel those feelings for three minutes, then packed them away so I could be the active parent I promised myself I would be.
I came out, adjusting the frumpy T-shirt over my old and stretched-out leggings. The Mud Walk took no prisoners, and I wasn’t sacrificing my nice workout gear. As I walked over, I spotted another adult with Gabriela. His back was to me, but I recognized the broad shoulders and silky hair that curled at the base of his neck. His height, which was always dominating, looked almost comical with kids running around him. The pair of blue joggers he wore showed off his perfect ass. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to kick it or take a bite out of it.
Ben turned and looked directly at me as if he felt my eyes. His eyes widened as he took me in, and his lips tilted in that half grin.
“What the he”—I caught myself at the last second—“heck are you doing here, Ben?”
Gabriela watched us, her eyes twinkling with excitement. “Oh, you two already know each other?”
“We work together.” His eyebrows pulled together as he scanned my face.
I scoffed, like “work together” could encompass whatever we were, and crossed my arms. He was the single father? The same man who had criticized me for putting my children first and talked shit about me at work? I got pissed off at anyone who criticized parents for caring for their kids, but there was a special circle of hell reserved for parents who put down other parents.
Gabriela sensed the tension. “I need to take a head count and call anyone who hasn’t arrived yet. I’ll give you two a minute.” She scurried off, turning around behind him and mouthing Is that the Ben? I waved her off.
“I’m still waiting for an answer.” My foot tapped on the ground.
“Are you mad at me for something?”
“Who are you here to chaperone, Ben?”
His crossed arms mirrored mine, like a shield raised between us. “My daughter. Is that a problem?”
“Since when do you have a daughter?” I glanced around the room to make sure we weren’t drawing attention.
“Well, she was born in December, so it’s been over eight years now.”
“Are you trying to be funny? Because, trust me, it’s not working for you.”
“What are you so mad about? That you didn’t know about Paris? I tried to tell you.”
“Don’t rewrite history,” I said.
A scoff escaped him. “I’ve brought you coffee every day this week. I asked you to talk. You’re the one who brushed me off.”
“Work’s been nuts. That’s not my fault.”
“And it’s not my fault that I hadn’t told you yet, especially when you’ve told me on multiple occasions that you have no interest in my personal life. Can’t have it both ways, Juliana. Either you want in or you deal with not knowing the details.”
“I’m mad because you treated me like shit.” I sent another glance around the room, terrified of seeing a second-grader run from behind us yelling shit shit shit. I brought my voice back to a whisper. “Like shit when I had to cancel our meeting because of an emergency for my daughter. What sort of parent does that to another parent?”
He groaned. “Are we seriously back to that? I thought you let it go. It was two years ago.”
“Yeah, it was two years ago you decided to badmouth me to another colleague—”
“To my best friend,” he interrupted. “Don’t sit here and act like you never vent to Asia about someone at work, because I am one hundred percent certain you’ve complained about me.”
“That’s different. I was new and untested, and you put it in her mind that I was bad at my job. And what kills me now is you should have gotten it as a single parent. Unless you’re one of those deadbeat dads who lets the mom do the work and you get to swing in for ice cream and fun field trips on the weekends.”
A tick of his jaw told me I hit a nerve. Something caught his eye over my shoulder, and he plastered on a fake smile. “This conversation will have to wait. Hi, angel.”
Everything about his demeanor transformed. He placed a kiss on top of a head of blond curls with a touch of strawberry. The little girl looked up at me with eyes that matched her dad’s, infinitely deep and oddly old for someone her age.
Sophie appeared out of thin air. “Paris, this is your dad? I know him! Hi, Mr. Ben!”
Paris looked up at her father adoringly, and I realized this perfect little girl was also my daughter’s new best best best friend.
The one she never stopped talking about, whom she had to say goodbye to multiple times that weekend at the field because she loved her so much. The one who was apparently the reason Ben was there in the first place.
There goes my theory about him torturing happy families.
I stifled a groan.
“Hello, Miss Sophie,” Ben said. “Looking lovely as ever.”
Sophie giggled and snuggled into my side. He had obviously won over one of the Ryan girls. “Mom, I told you Paris’s dad was cute. Mr. Ben, are you still single? You could marry my mom. Paris and I decided we want to be sisters.”
Ben choked on the water he was drinking, coughing to clear his throat. Count on Sophie to dial the awkwardness up to eleven.
“I told you in the car, pea. Stop trying to set me up with people. Our family is perfect, just the three of us.”
Ben stared at me flatly, reading the subtext of what I was saying. Whatever goodwill he had gained with me over the past few weeks was wiped away when he hid his daughter. Or chose not to tell me. Or didn’t tell me because I told him I wasn’t ready to be a part of his life. I was aware there was some merit to his argument, but it didn’t change the fact it all felt like a lie. Like one big manipulation so he could get the upper hand in our war.
And beyond that, it seemed like a message from the universe. Between the reminder of Jason and the lies, it was like a blinking sign was hanging over Ben’s head.
BAD IDEA. DO NOT PURSUE.
Ben’s daughter smiled shyly from her dad’s side. “Hi, Mrs. Ryan. I’m Paris. Sophie is my best best best friend.”
I chuckled and tried to check my anger, reminding myself this little girl was not responsible for her dad’s faults. I squatted down in front of her.
“Hi, sweetie. You can call me Miss Juliana. Sophie talks about you all the time. Did you know Paris is my absolute favorite city in the whole wide world? I think that’s a sign we’ll be best friends, too.”
She giggled, and I smiled wider when she threw her arms around my neck for a hug.
“Time to load up, Miss Mendoza’s class,” Gabriela called from the door. “Please line up in single file so I can count you off.” Sophie and Paris skipped to the line holding hands, leaving me alone with Ben.
He dropped his voice to a whisper. “We are going to finish this conversation.”
I kept my eyes forward. “Nothing to finish. The past few weeks were a mistake. I should have trusted my first impression.”
“You know what I think?” He dropped his mouth to my ear like we were schoolkids trading secrets instead of two grown-ass people trying to keep a screaming match at bay. “I think you’re full of shit. You feel something for me and don’t want to admit it. This is an excuse to hide behind all the bullshit rather than deal with those emotions.”
I did the mature thing and pretended like he didn’t exist until Gabriela called for us all to head for the bus. I forced her into the seat next to me before Ben could take the space, throwing a glare in his direction.
“What’s the deal?” Gabriela whispered as the bus rolled out of the parking lot.
“That question would take way more than a twenty-minute bus ride to answer. I’ll explain everything at wine night tomorrow after the girls go to sleep. But, yes, to answer your question earlier, that is the Ben.”
Ben’s eyes were on me the entire ride. I sat there fuming, wishing I had gone to Clara’s soccer game.