Chapter 9
Nothing gave me more clarity than my feet pounding against the pavement, the syncing of my breaths and footfalls becoming almost meditative. Breathe in for two steps and out for two steps. The world faded, and I tried to let my mind go blank after yesterday’s upheaval, focusing on the backs of my kids on their bikes and the steady footfalls of my friends on either side of me.
My experiences with Ben over the past month had thrown me for a loop. I was so sure of my opinion of him a few weeks ago. Now conflicting memories flooded my mind: his arms around me as we danced, the defiance in his eyes when we bickered after our meeting, the touch of his lips on mine, and the patience in his eyes when I said I needed time. My stomach was in constant knots—of apprehension or anticipation, I couldn’t say yet.
I tried again to shake off my thoughts, focusing instead on my favorite trail passing around me. It was picturesque, the main street of the small town lined with unique stores, restaurants, and strangers who greeted you like friends as you ran past.
A path cut down the center, filled with comfortable swings and a beautiful mosaic fountain that was the town’s pride. Pergolas surrounded the fountain covered in purple wisteria blossoms, flooding downtown with their intoxicating scent even as they fought for dominance over the delicious smells pouring out of the surrounding restaurants. I let the scenery wash over me, counting the blossoms and mosaic tiles to shut my brain up.
It didn’t work. Nothing was strong enough to force Ben from my thoughts. He clearly wanted something… more. I just wasn’t sure what it was.
Did he want us to be friends with benefits, or was he looking for something serious? If the former, I didn’t know if I could keep my emotions locked down. As much as my libido cheered at getting some again, he probably wasn’t the person to have a casual fling with. A single kiss stirred up more than I’d felt in years.
But if he wanted more, could I give us a try? He was charming, smart, and gorgeous, but the thought of any relationship still shot through me, twisting my gut like I was betraying Jason.
And I had the girls to think about, a complication that didn’t occur to me last night when I was fixated on his hands and lips and laugh. What sort of mother forgot her kids for a moment of lust? He didn’t strike me as the type that would welcome them into his life if his nasty comments when we first met were any indication, and no one could have me without them. Maybe his opinion had changed over the past two years, but it was a big ask for me to trust him with not only mine, but my girls’ hearts, too.
“Why did you make me come here?” Asia huffed next to me.
“What do you mean? Winter Garden is beautiful.”
“Yeah, it’s beautiful. It’s not the town I hate. It’s the activity.”
“I think this is great.” Unlike Asia, Dani jumped at the chance to go running with me.
She looked like she had walked off the runway, her braids so long they brushed her lower back, even in a high ponytail. She had sprinkled bright cuffs throughout, coordinating perfectly with her workout gear. I didn’t skimp when it came to running outfits, but she had taken gym chic to a whole new level.
Asia whimpered. “Are we done yet?”
Dani and I looked at each other and laughed. “Calm down. The farmers market is only a few more blocks up.”
Gabriela’s bridal shower was later in the day, and as the host, I needed to gather a few things you could only get here.
Our group congregated around a stall manned by an Indian family who sold their homemade chutneys. “I know you hate me right now, Asia, but you will forgive me the second you taste these dips. It will change your life.”
Asia and I moaned over the samples, unable to resist the instant gratification, even though I knew I would buy at least four different flavors for the shower. Dani was making eyes at the woman working the fish-dip stall next to us. We moved on to give her some space to work her magic, sending the girls to a Popsicle stand with a wad of cash.
Asia leaned on the stall next to me, watching her sister at work. “How does she do it? She makes it look so easy to meet people.”
We both watched in awe as Dani flirted, tossing her braids over her shoulder and making the woman laugh loudly. Less than five minutes later, she walked over to us, a bounce in her step. She waved her phone in front of our faces.
“Got it! And she has a brother.” She wagged her eyebrows at Asia.
“Ugh, get his number for yourself.”
Dani’s face turned serious, an uncommon look for her. “I’m gonna assume you’ve got something else going on and that you aren’t playing into shitty bi stereotypes. If not, check yourself, sister.”
Asia groaned and dropped her head into her hands. “I’m sorry, Dani. That’s not how I meant it. The visit to Mom a couple of weeks ago threw me off. I’m so over people trying to set me up.”
I threw my arm around her shoulders. “I feel you. Let’s be old spinsters together. We can get a cute little house and travel all the time. Want to lie and tell all of Gabriela’s family we’re together so they leave us alone today?”
She smiled at me gratefully, but I wasn’t sure I was even joking. Meddling aunties and grandmas always stirred up trouble.
After four more hours of prep—and a dozen more arguments with the kids before dropping them off with my parents—we were finally done setting up Gabriela’s shower, transforming the bland country-club room into a beautiful floral wonderland.
A squeal echoed through the space, and I turned to find Gabriela standing at the door. She threw her arms out, eyes wide, a massive smile splitting her face. It was the exact expression she made whenever she was happily overwhelmed.
After a quick greeting, I sent her off to mingle with the guests. A while later, a radiant Gabriela walked over to me, a fashionable elderly woman at her side.
“Lola, this is Juliana. She’s the one who put this all together. Juliana, this is my grandmother.”
“Mrs. Mendoza, it’s wonderful to finally meet you. Gabriela talks so much about you.”
“Please call me Victoria. Thank you for putting this together for my dear Gabi. It is perfect for her.”
“I’m so lucky to have her in my life, and I want her to feel special and loved at every one of her wedding events.”
Gabriela grabbed my hand, giving it a quick squeeze in thanks. Unfortunately, the move brought Victoria’s attention to my left hand, and I knew what was coming before she started.
“I see you are not married. How is a woman as beautiful as you still single?”
“Lola!” Gabriela cut in with a shake of her head.
“What? All of you girls are so sensitive these days. I’m not allowed to ask questions about anything anymore.”
“Lola, please.”
Gabriela’s eyes flashed back and forth between us, her face lined with panic as she tried to figure out how to handle this.
“Asking why she is not married should not be a problem. I am trying to figure it out so I can help her.”
Gabriela jumped in, speaking rapidly in Tagalog. I couldn’t speak a word of the language myself but didn’t need to understand to know what was being said. Poor, sad Juliana lost her husband and now is all alone with two kids to care for and no one to love her. Victoria’s face transformed from annoyed to shocked to pitying and uncomfortable, and I fought back an inappropriate laugh. People were so damn predictable.
It was the discomfort that was the most frustrating for me. The topic was unavoidable in my life, so whenever I met someone new and had to go through that bit of personal history, I watched closely to see how they reacted.
People don’t enjoy talking about sad things. They think avoiding the topic will keep me from thinking about it, but grieving never stops, at least not entirely. He was such a huge part of my life and my heart, and I wasn’t going to stop thinking about him because he wasn’t here anymore.
But, as a people pleaser, I always pushed the topic to the back of my mind, choosing their comfort over my own. I would talk about Jason with others if they were open to it. Sharing the stories tightened my chest but also brought a smile to my face.
“It’s okay.” Victoria’s light Tagalog accent was smooth and comforting. I experienced a moment of relief when it seemed like she was going to let the subject drop. Then she kept talking. “The children will make it somewhat more difficult, but I never shy away from a challenge. With a face like yours, I’ll find you a husband in no time.”
“Lola,” Gabriela screamed. She pointed an accusing finger at her grandmother, but we all saw the small smile fighting to get out. At a certain point, you have to laugh.
I thanked her for the sentiment but excused us, saying it was time to open presents, and dragged Gabriela to the front of the room. It may have come from a good place, but I was not looking to become a Filipino grandmother’s new project. Gabriela spent every step apologizing for the interrogation.
An hour of opening presents later, the attendees were comatose. Gabriela still sat at the front of the room after finally opening the last present, thanking everyone for their gifts and for supporting her during this exciting time of their lives. She deserved every moment of her happiness, and I tried to fight off the unfair surge of jealousy within me.
A vision flashed before my eyes. I was the one in a white sundress, over a decade younger, and beaming as the women in my life showered me with gifts. The frown lines between my eyes were nowhere to be found, and I couldn’t see a hint of those pesky rogue grays that were popping up with alarming frequency. As I thanked everyone for coming, Jason slipped in behind me. One arm brought a bouquet of my favorite light pink tulips down in front of my face, while the other came around my shoulders. I squealed as he kissed my cheek, overflowing with love for anyone to see.
The memory faded, leaving my friend where she had been sitting. Tears swam in my eyes, and I tried to blink them away before Gabriela could see. Of course, she turned to look at me at that moment, and her tranquil face transformed into one of concern as she rushed over to me.
“Juliana, are you okay?”
“I am just so happy for you.” I was only half lying, and I pulled her into a tight hug to give myself a minute to pull it together. “You are going to have such a beautiful life.” I gave her one last squeeze before letting her go.
There was plenty to do to occupy my mind, breaking down decorations and tables, packaging up leftovers, and taking out the extensive trash sixty women can make in a few hours. I was thankful for the extra hands as her family pitched in. I avoided Victoria, though the thoughtful way she eyed me across the room made me question whether I’d actually escaped her plotting or had just been granted a reprieve.
“Are you doing okay?” Asia asked on our drive home.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t have to lie to me, you know.”
My beautiful, loving best friend was the exception to the rule, a person I met after I lost Jason, who never shied away from hard conversations. She had heard endless stories and brought him up like he wasn’t a dirty secret to hide.
“I had a bit of a moment near the end there. But it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I miss him every day, but the memories are more comforting than triggering now.”
It was the truth, like a warm hug no one else could see. A presence always in the background, but not threatening. I hadn’t had a panic attack over losing him in a year, and I wondered what that meant for me. He would never leave me as long as I lived, but I might finally be in a place where his loss didn’t cripple me.
Maybe it meant I was finally ready to open myself up to something new.