50. Chapter 50
Chapter 50
LANE
The air seemingly turned cool overnight as if autumn waited until this exact moment to make its presence known, so when I step out of my car beside the athlete dormitories, I’m unsure whether it’s my nerves holding my lungs in a vise or the cold.
I exhale, clutching the messenger bag to my side as I remind myself that no matter the outcome, I can do hard things. I’ll be okay.
A girl with long blonde braids steps out of the building in leggings and a Wildcats jacket. She glances around her as if looking for something and I know that’s my cue. She’s just as Gabby described, so I swallow the tangle of nerves in the back of my throat, close the car door, and cross the remainder of the parking lot toward the front of the building.
“Are you Stacy?” I ask as I grow closer.
She smiles. “Lane?”
I nod. “That’s me.”
Gesturing to the building, she says, “Come on,” then turns and swipes her student ID in the card reader, holding the heavy oak door out for me as I step in behind her.
Once we’re inside, there’s another set of doors that leads to either wing of the dormitories. If I’d sat in the parking lot long enough, I could’ve followed someone in, but my nerves are frazzled as it is. I didn’t want to be left waiting. Or worse, denied access. So instead, I’d asked Gabby for a favor.
She phoned up one of her friends and in seconds, I had a way into the athlete dorms and a babysitter for Sophie.
I have no idea how this will go. Teagan’s silence speaks volumes. I can only assume he’s not ready to talk to me, and maybe he’ll never be ready, but the way I see it, my best chance of getting him to listen is by coming to him. Besides, I’m not letting another day go by without seeing for myself that he’s okay.
Stacy pauses at the front desk, talking to the resident adviser as she signs me in on a clipboard, then turns to me and says, “They need an ID.”
I startle. “Oh, right.” Digging in my bag, I pull out my student ID and slide it across the desk.
The RA glances at it, confirms my name, and then sets it on the desk. “When you leave, just sign out and you can pick it back up then.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Ready?” Stacy says from behind.
I turn and nod, too nervous to speak. In seconds, I’ll be standing in front of Teagan’s dorm room, praying he won’t slam the door on my face.
We push through the glass doors and bypass a small lobby. “The boys’ wing is the left,” Stacy says, walking toward it. Turning, she waits for me to catch up. “Do you know what floor your boyfriend lives on?”
Boyfriend.
I wonder if I still have rights to that word.
“Um, the second?”
“Okay, just take the elevator here, then.” She motions to the right. “It’ll take you to the lobby and the hallway to the rooms is right off it.”
“Thanks,” I say, ignoring the jumping jacks in my stomach.
“Sure thing.” She waves goodbye and turns, heading toward the girls’ wing and leaving me on my own.
I stab the button to the elevator and the doors slide open. Stepping inside, I block everything out except the sound of my heavy breathing and count in my head as the car rises to the second floor.
The doors open and I step off, more than grateful to find the lobby blissfully empty. The last thing I need is to see one of my father’s players and get drawn into conversation when all I want to do is get this over with, say my piece, and let the balls fall where they may.
Hurrying down the hallway, I pass the door numbers until I find room 204 and pause. I stare at the grains in the wood for what feels like hours, afraid of what will happen the moment I knock. Every possible scenario runs through my head in quick succession, until my heart is pounding so hard, I don’t even hear the door when it opens.
Tommy steps out and startles. It takes him a moment to compose himself, but even so, his dark eyes widen like the moon when he sees me. “Uh, hey, Lane.”
I swallow, my throat turning dry. “Is, um, Teagan here?”
“Yeah.” Tommy nods, his gaze darting behind him. “He’s in his room. I just came back for lunch, but I have to leave for practice,” he says, looking sheepish, like he’s guilty for still being able to play. “We go over game tape and plays in the afternoons.”
I muster a smile. “I know.”
“Oh. Right. Yeah, I guess you would.” He rocks back on his heels. “Anyway, you can go ahead in if you want.” He hooks his thumb toward the room. “I should probably get going.”
I watch him leave before taking a step forward and opening the door. I knock on it for good measure, then enter.
The space is small with two doors on either side of the bathroom, leaving me to guess which one is his. I turn toward the one on the right, but I only get two steps before it swings open. “Hey, Tommy did you see my—” Teagan stops mid-sentence, frozen in place.
His eyes make quick work of me. Shock and disbelief melds into joy and then a wary apprehension as shoves his hands in the pockets of his joggers and says, “Lane.”
“Um, hey,” I manage with a weak smile.
The sight of him punches me in the gut. His torso is thicker than normal, all weird angles jutting from the cotton of his t-shirt, which I realize must be some sort of brace.
I swallow and motion toward him. “Does it help?” I shake my head, flustered when he frowns. “The brace, I mean.”
“It helps,” he says, softly. “I was actually just looking for my keys. I wanted to come see you.”
“You did?” My heart beats faster, and I try not to read into it as my gaze sweeps over him.
He looks good. Maybe a little tired if the dark half-moons beneath his eyes are any indication. But despite the brace, he’s in one piece, on his feet, and walking. His blond waves curl around his ears and a week’s worth of stubble covers his jaw, giving him an irresistibly sexy scruff. Leave it to Teagan to take a broken back and heartache in his stride and come out looking even sexier than ever.
I swallow, feeling suddenly self-conscious in the silence. I have no doubt I don’t look half as good as him and I don’t have a serious injury to blame it on, just myself. “Um, Tommy told me to just come in. I hope you don’t mind.”
My gaze flicks to the yellowish bruise on the edge of his jaw. More evidence last Saturday went sideways.
“Uh, no. It’s fine.” Teagan stares at me for a moment, his brilliant blue gaze drinking me in as if he’s forgotten what I look like. “What are you doing here?”
My stomach twists and all at once, I doubt my plan. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe I shouldn’t have come, but I’m here and there’s no going back, so I straighten my spine and strengthen my resolve. “I came to see you,” I tell him.
Obviously, Lane.
I fight the urge to roll my eyes.
Of course I’m here for him. Now strap on your big girl panties and tell him why.
Fucking talk, Lane.
I puff my chest and unearth the last of my courage. “Listen, Teagan. Maybe you’re glad I’m here, or maybe I’m the last person you want to see. I don’t know. But what I do know is I couldn’t go another day without talking to you, and even if you had answered one of my calls or returned one of my texts, this was something I had to do in person. So, I hope you don’t throw me out.”
I hold my breath, waiting for his reaction.
His eyes search mine for a heartbeat before he drawls, “I’m not going to throw you out, Lane.”
I nod, awash with relief. It might not be much of an endorsement. I would’ve preferred a smile or some words of encouragement, but he’s not throwing me out on my ass, so I guess I should be grateful and take it.
“Right. Good.” I shift on my feet. I’ve never been more nervous in my entire life as I open my mouth and begin. “I know I lied to you, and that is absolutely inexcusable. You confided in me about what happened with your friend and your sister, and so I knew dishonesty was where you drew the line, but then I never expected your hard no and mine to collide. That’s not an excuse. It’s just . . .” I wring my hands in front of myself.
Shit. I’m doing a piss poor job of this.
“What I’m trying to say is, I should’ve told you the truth earlier, before you even had to ask, and I certainly should have told you the truth when you did. I am so sorry I didn’t,” I say, chin wobbling. “I’ll probably live the rest of my life and regret that one decision because somewhere along the way, I completely fell for you, and there’s no turning back. That’s not a secret you keep when you love someone. Not when I saw a future with you.”
Teagan bows his head and shrugs, then winces with the movement.
My hands flutter toward him, then stop. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” he grinds out. Exhaling, he raises his head again. “Maybe deep down you just weren’t sure about me.”
“No.” I clench my jaw, hating that he’s in pain because of a situation I caused. Hating this whole damn thing. “No, that’s not it. I didn’t tell you, Teagan, because I was protecting my father.”
His gaze snaps to mine, and the curiosity in his eyes is enough to keep me going.
“When I was pregnant, I overheard a conversation between my father and Kyle Bradley, the athletic director at CU. The job at Cumberland was his, only if he brought Chance with him. It was promised to him on that one condition and after all my parents sacrificed for me, after everything they did and how they supported me, I couldn’t allow him to pass up his dream or worse, piss it away because he was furious with Chance for being an asshole.”
My whole body shakes with the memory, remembering the sinking feeling in my chest. The knowledge that I’d need to lie to my parents because it was the only way I could give them something in return.
“This one thing was the only thing I could give them, and so I deluded myself into thinking it was okay to lie to them, to everyone. So I made up the story about the guy at summer camp, which wasn’t entirely off-base, and when they believed it, I never looked back. I told myself I’d take this one to the grave because I allowed myself to believe my father would prefer his dreams over his daughter.” A sob threatens to escape my lips, but I hold it back. “I was wrong.”
I glance down at my hands and then to the messenger bag at my side and open it, pulling out the old leather-bound journal. “What I realize now is it wasn’t just about protecting my father. Somewhere along the way, I became obsessed with this road to redemption, like I needed to prove myself and make up for the mistake I made. I was so blinded by this idea that I fucked up, that I wasn’t good enough, and I convinced myself no one would ever want me. Me, Lane Turner, a single mother with a toddler and a full-time job, still working on my degree. I was so focused on all my faults and all the ways I fell short that I didn’t see how much I actually have to offer someone. And I let the one person I fell in love with slip through my fingers because of it. And because I was fucking scared. I was so scared, Teagan.”
I hold the leather journal out, hand shaking while I fight the tears pricking at the back of my eyes. I can’t look at him or I might lose it right here. “This is my journal. I don’t write in it much anymore, but I used to.”
When he doesn’t make a move to take it, I meet his gaze and motion with the book. “Take it. Read it. It’s all in here, everything I just told you and so much more. It’s the only way to make you see. Maybe then you’ll understand.”
He reaches out and takes the journal in his hands, staring down at it with intensity.
“You once said you were going to make me see what you see. That you’d make me see just how special I am and how fucking lucky you are to have whatever piece of me I’m willing to give.” I swallow. “Well, I see it, Teagan. I see it, and I’m ready to give it all to you, every piece of myself if you still want it.”
I take a step back, memorizing how he looks in this moment before turning for the door and praying like hell it’s not for the last time.