Chapter Forty
O’Connor
“Eagle One, entry clear.” My team shadows my forward motion as we descend deeper into the house. The radio picks up our chatter as each room is cleared.
The house shouldn’t be empty. Our team is too advanced to be sent into abandoned terrorist hideouts.
They’re here.
“Eagle One, to the basement,” I relay, feeling the tap on my shoulder from the guy behind me.
My teammate covers me as I lift the solid wood trap door from the floor, but the hinge makes a grating noise as it opens, ruining any stealth as we advance.
“Making entry.” Dirt particles fill the air as my rifle light shines into the dark corridor. The shadows dance as I check each corner of the small root cellar.
It’s empty.
“Eagle One, clea–” Something shifts just out of sight, and I train my sights on it. There’s an old wooden barrel in the corner, too small to hide a man, but I take silent steps towards it.
With a quick maneuver to my left, my light illuminates the backside of the barrel at the same time I register what I’m seeing.
The little girl shakes in fear as she looks up at me. Her bright green eyes glow in my night vision goggles.
“Avery?”
“Help me, Mr. Jack,” her voice echoes off the dirt walls.
“What are you doing here?” This doesn’t make sense. Why is she in the desert?
“Eagle One, are you there?” My radio chirps in my ear.
“Jack, save us,” Linden begs suddenly from the steps where my teammate was just standing.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“Save us, Jack.” Their voices echo in my ear, and I can’t distinguish them from each other.
My teammates’ voices are in my ear. “Get out, it’s a trap!”
My gaze swings to Avery, and then to Linden. I have to get them out. This place is going to blow.
I snatch Avery up, but I can’t move. Sand rushes past my knees, and it takes all of my strength to make it inches at a time.
My fingers claw at the wooden steps, trying to pull us to safety.
“You said you would save us, Jack,” Linden’s voice whispers from above me.
She’s looking down at me from the entrance to the cellar, and Avery is beside her, crying. I look down at my empty arms where I just held her.
“Run! Get out of here!” My plea doesn’t carry; it’s drowned out by an explosion.
An explosion that levels the entire house.
The wooden door above me falls closed in slow motion, taking their faces from me.
Taking them from me.
“No!”
I launch up out of a dead sleep, heaving for air. Sweat coats my skin as I desperately blink my confusion away.
“Are you okay?” Linden’s whisper breaks through the noise in my head. She’s leaning on her elbow, looking at me from my childhood bed.
I offered to sleep in here so they could have the big bed in the other room, but I’m too big for the twin bed, so I ended up on the floor.
When I still can’t catch my breath, she crawls off the bed, joining me on the floor. Her hands search my face in the dark, soothing my tension.
“It was a bad dream,” I utter, focusing on her touch.
“I can tell.”
“Why are you in here?” My words come out more clipped than I intend them to because I still don’t quite have my bearings. I reach out to her, tugging her leg onto my lap so she knows I want her to stay.
“Avery wanted to sleep in the sailboat bed. When I saw you were on the floor, I figured that you wouldn’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I know.” She smiles, and I can barely make it out in the dark room. Her hand pushes at my chest until I fall back onto my makeshift floor bed, and she follows, resting her head on my chest.
My arms tighten around her until it finally feels like I can breathe steadily again.
“I like having you like this,” I murmur into the darkness.
Her fingers trace my neck, and she kisses my chest. “Whatever happens next, wherever we go. I hope we get more time together like this.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never given it much thought because I’ve always been too busy surviving.”
“Forget the logistics. What do you want for you and for Avery?”
She contemplates silently for a few moments.
“I want a home that we can live in forever. With a school district that Avery will thrive in. I’ve always wanted to live somewhere where I could walk to the park, and she could play.
Somewhere with families, where I’m not constantly checking over my shoulder. ”
“You should have had that a long time ago. I’m sorry that you’ve been let down so many times.”
“You’d think I’d be numb to it by now.”
“I’m glad you’re not numb. You feel everything, and I love that about you. You’ve made me feel things that I haven’t felt in years. Or, ever.”
“It’s a privilege having that effect on you,” she whispers. “I like seeing behind the mask.” The tip of her finger traces my face softly.
“You’re the only one who has ever gotten close enough to see me.” I tip her chin up, so I can capture her lips. “It’s saved my life.”
“Your entire team was KIA. You’re the only survivor.”
“No.”
“The cellar door shut you away from the blast. None of your injuries were life-threatening.”
“I was supposed to be in the house. He shut the door. He shut me down there.”
“He saved your life.”
“I should have died with them! I was ready to die with them.”
I was supposed to go to his wedding. He was getting married.
Shove it down. Shove it away.
He’s dead. My entire team is dead.
Shove the pain away. Destroy it before it destroys you.
They’re dead. They’re all dead.
Ignore it. Shove it away. Don’t feel.
“After I lost my team, I completely shut down. That’s why I couldn’t pass my psych eval. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel their losses anymore. I didn’t feel sadness or fear. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t have any hope for the future. I was dead inside.
“They booted me from active service because they thought I would go on a killing rampage with no remorse. They thought I was heartless.”
“You’re not.”
“I thought they were right. I was shoving everything away for so long, it was easier not to feel anything.”
“Is that why you never came home? You couldn’t bring yourself to visit Kay?”
“I told myself that it was better to stay away. If she forgot about me, then she wouldn’t be affected when she inevitably got the news I was killed in action.
She didn’t deserve the 1 a.m. knock on her door telling her that I was dead.
She already got it after my parents died. I didn’t want to do it to her again.”
“You didn’t deserve to move through life alone, though.”
“It wasn’t much of a life. I see that now.” I brush her hair behind her ear mindlessly, feeling her chest moving against mine. “Being near you and Avery… Your liveliness is the most I’ve ever felt. And, now I’m fucking terrified all of the time.”
“About what?”
“About keeping you safe. Keeping you singing and happy. Avery tripped going up the stairs earlier, and I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack. Having people to love is terrifying, and I don’t want it taken away from me. Not again.”
Her hand rests against my cheek. “Losing your parents wasn’t fair. I wish you never had to go through that.”
“I’ve always wondered what my life would be like if they were still here. If I hadn’t been broken at such a young age.”
“Maybe you’d be a professional baseball player.”
As she says it, I’m already shaking my head. It doesn’t sound right because it isn’t right. My thumb traces her cheekbone. “I think I ended up right where I needed to be.”
“Life has a funny way of doing that. I was terrified to have a baby, but now I can’t imagine my life without Avery.”
“I can’t either. Not anymore.” My forehead touches hers. “I don’t want to imagine a life without you, Linden. I want to give you everything you want, and I want you to be happy.”
“I don’t think anyone has ever cared enough about me to even ask what I want.”
“Well, get used to it.”
She smiles against my mouth, and I take her lips in mine.
They might have thought I was a killing machine before, but now that I have this, her, I’ll kill anyone or anything who dares to take her from me.
“I’m sorry you had a nightmare about your team.”
I filled her in but didn’t include the details about her and Avery being there. But that’s because I couldn’t say the words out loud. Even a hypothetical scenario where they might be hurt doesn’t deserve to exist.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve had any type of dream at all.”
“It’s all those emotions getting stirred up in here.” She pats my chest, and it makes me smile.
“Shit, tell them to tone it down then. I need more sleep.”
She shrugs. “They said no. You’re stuck with them now.”
I barely contain my laugh, muffling it against her hair. “I love you,” I breathe the words out before I register them, and my fingers go still in her hair.
“It’s okay. Don’t freak out,” she whispers.
“I’m not.”
“Your entire body just turned to stone.”
“No, it didn’t.”
She chuckles. “You’re new to feeling things again. Sometimes things slip out before we are ready. It’s okay.”
She’s giving me a free pass to take back what I said.
But I won’t take it back. That would be an incredible disservice to the way I feel about her.
“I do love you.”
She tilts her head back to look at me. “You do?”
“I wish I would have said it in the daylight. When I could see your face a little more clearly, and look you in the eyes so you know I mean it.”
“You can say it again. In all lighting,” her voice quivers, and I realize she needed to hear those words just as badly as I needed to say them. “But what about your job?”
“This is my final op.”
“Really?”
“I am in love with you, Linden. I want to be here to protect you from everything, so you can live your life to the fullest. So Avery can thrive in safety and comfort. I love you guys.” Her entire body clambers on top of mine, and I hold her close. “I’m choosing you. I’m always going to choose you.”