Chapter 17 #2
I cleared my throat. “She doesn’t know I’m there most of the time.
I brush her hair at night, before I lay down and pretend to sleep.
Sometimes she doesn’t finish a breath, and it’s quiet, just nothing for so long until she finally inhales.
She’s on so many machines. Her face has tubes.
She hasn’t eaten for so long. How can I eat when she can’t?
But Flowers eats with me. Dinner and breakfast. And then we try to kill each other.
He’s already attached to her. I think the second he found out she existed, he’s loved her.
Some people are capable of loving like that.
” My voice came out bored, like we were talking about the weather.
“I’m glad you’ve gotten to know each other.
He’s a very private person, doesn’t make friends easily, hasn’t had family for decades.
He’s the hard kind of hero, who kills his enemies and then leaves flowers on their graves.
That’s how he got the name. He always left flowers on their graves, but that didn’t stop him from killing them. ”
I nodded. “Sounds like him.”
“He actually went through a stage when he wasn’t sure he was the good guy. Then he met your mother, and, well, it was either join her or fight her.”
“Against my mother is always the right side, but now she’s dead. Death is so final.” And Kitten had been so close to death for so long.
“Is it? Only the parts we see of it. Your wife will die.”
I looked up at him, the rage enveloping me as I struggled not to rip him apart.
He shrugged his enormous shoulders. “Everyone dies. That’s always the end of the story.
The only question is when, and what kind of legacy she leaves behind.
She is fighting for you, as well as she can.
Are you fighting for her? Are you really willing to do, to be, what she needs?
Being a hero is about sacrifice, always sacrificing yourself for others.
That’s what she’s doing, because she’s a true champion.
She’s been fighting as long as she can remember, and she’s not going to stop now, even though the odds are impossible, and she’s breaking.
You have more influence than most men in the world.
You can make a difference in all levels of society if you choose.
You could save someone. You could save a lot of someone’s.
You could be what she needs, whether she is here to see you or in heaven watching over you.
Heaven is real, because that’s where an angel like her will be whether on earth or after death. ”
My skin went cold and then hot. “I didn’t come here for religion.”
He nodded. “She’s religious. Otherwise, her mother, her father, they’d be gone forever.
But they aren’t gone from her. She has their love, their spirits wrapped around her, protecting her from the terrifyingly painful world she’s endured her whole life.
Is it real? The effects are real. Hope changes outcomes. ”
I blinked at him. “You’re insane. You think I should believe in an afterlife? That’s foolishness. If there was a God, he wouldn’t allow men to play with life like this.”
He smiled slightly. “Or he would let us strive in the ring to see what we’re made of. So that we can see what we’re capable of becoming. The serum dictates certain markers, but the will drives everything. What do you want? What do you really want?”
I had a flash of Kitten’s smile the last time I’d seen her awake, eyes so large in her thin face, so weak as she struggled for the strength to breathe, but giving me a smile so I wouldn’t worry.
“I don’t want Kitten to suffer, but I don’t want her to die.
I want her to have a heaven with the people she loves.
But I need her to stay with me. I’m a selfish monster.
I should have let her go, but I asked her to fight. ”
He nodded. “You’re a fighter. So is she or she would have quit a long time ago.
What do you think about setting up a fund for other people struggling with disease?
Fighting for more than your wife? What do you think about studying up on the afterlife, cultivating hope and faith in something after death, out of your hands? ”
I considered then nodded. “It might be something to think about.”
“Take Flowers to church on Sunday. He hasn’t gone since his wife left him. He was devastated. The guy doesn’t open up very often, and then to be betrayed like that…” He shook his head.
I frowned at him. “Church on Sunday?” The concept was ludicrous.
“I think he’s a Protestant. It’ll help him, which will help you. A reminder that there’s more than meets the eye. Maybe a guide towards forgiveness and acceptance. To have his wife leave, and then meet his daughter who’s dying…that’s rough.”
I nodded. “Yeah. Church. I can do that.”
“You should take little Beastie with you. He needs serious guidance if you don’t want him spiraling into very dark places once she’s passed.”
I glared at him, baring my teeth.
He looked back at me evenly. “She’s going to die eventually.
You need to cultivate forgiveness and acceptance.
You do everything in your power, then turn it over to a higher power.
No one’s strong enough to carry the world, to defeat death, to control life.
And you wouldn’t want to. Unless you’d make yourself to be a god. ”
I glowered at him as I slowly stood. “I’ll see you at church. And in the ring.”
He smiled warmly as he stood with me. “I haven’t gone to church for years. If you can do it, I guess I can too, although we may fill all the females with so much lust as to be disruptive.”
I grunted and left, but astonishingly enough, felt slightly better. She was going to die, sooner or later. Knowing her was worth the pain. And it always would be. If only I could suffer for her.