6 Lattes
THANK YOU? NO WORRIES? I couldn’t make sense of the exchange with James at all. It had felt like we were about to kiss again. I was sure of it. But then I wasn’t sure. And now I was so confused. As soon as he said thank you, the whole atmosphere had changed again.
We just had the table to pack away now. I set leftover donuts and muffins in cardboard boxes, and as we both reached for the same tray, our hands brushed. James pulled his hand away like I’d given him an electric shock.
We didn’t speak except when I couldn’t reach the top of the canopy.
I cleared my throat, and he looked over, hand in his hair, like he was irritated.
I pointed up to the canopy. “Can’t reach,” I told him.
He moved in front of me, reaching up so his chest was right in front of my face. And there was my body again, getting it wrong, wanting to lean into the warm, spicy scent and have him wrap his arms around me. Have him call me Red.
At least my head still had some sense. I walked away and put the boxes in the back of the truck.
When I’d finished that, I tied my scarf tightly around my neck and stood awkwardly in front of him as he moved the table.
I blurted out, “Do you need me?” and immediately wished I’d chosen different words, because he paused, put down the table, and looked at me as if I’d just asked him the meaning of life.
Now neither of us knew what to say, as the last remaining people bustled around us.
I shook my head. “I mean, do you need me to do anything else before I go? Do you need any more help?”
“Oh,” he replied, and gave a small, sharp laugh. “No, I think that’s it.” He picked up the table again.
“Okay, great. See you tomorrow for my shift, then.” I smiled automatically.
“I can drive you home if you want?” But reluctance dripped from his words.
“No, it’s okay, thanks, I’m a big girl, I can walk.”
He cleared his throat as if he was going to object, but … didn’t.
I kept my head down as I left, dodging anyone who might want to chat. Lennie, Krista, and Avery were all gone, which was too bad because I could have used some girl time right then. I couldn’t wait to call Lennie when I got home.
Then Carter was standing there, holding a brown paper bag. “Hey, Willa,” he said. “Just grabbed the last banana cream pie from Mrs. Burrows. Told my whole dorm about this stuff. Shame they won’t get to taste any.”
“Mrs. Burrows sure does make the best pie,” I agreed.
“You guys had the best stall tonight. Your friend Krista dragged me to every single one, so it’s not like I haven’t compared.”
“Thanks, yeah, it was fun, and we made some great money for the Kissing Tree.” First I couldn’t talk in front of Carter, and now I couldn’t shut up?
“You crushed it!” He stopped, took the pie from his bag, and opened the plastic lid. “I’m sorry, but this pie is not going to survive the walk home. You walking?”
I nodded. “Do you even have a fork?” I screwed up my face.
But he pulled two wooden forks out of his back pocket. “Not one, but two, Taylor. Being at college has taught me to always be prepared for after-hours eating.” He even offered me the first bite.
“Oh my God, so good,” I said, suddenly starving.
“So good, right?”
We walked side by side, sharing pie. And it didn’t feel awkward at all.
I breathed in the cool fall air, trying to clear my head.
Carter looked over. “You know what, Taylor, you should see the stars in Pennsylvania, it gets so dark you can see the whole Milky Way.” He waved an arm toward the sky and almost dropped the pie.
“Don’t drop the pie! Never drop the pie!” I screamed as he laughed and found his balance.
“So, Penn State, how’s that going?” I asked, taking another bite. This was a surprisingly friendly chat.
“Great, actually. I’m doing a semester abroad next year. In Rome.”
Rome.
“Really? That’s amazing.”
“You’ve got …” He reached over and wiped something from my face. “Cream.” He grinned and stuck his finger in his mouth.
I was glad he couldn’t see the color of my cheeks in the dark. Carter no longer made my heart flutter, but I was still human!
“Can’t wait to get out of the country for a bit. You know? See something different. Have you traveled much?”
I shook my head. “Never left the States. I’d like to.”
“You should. Seriously, Taylor. Senior year is the perfect time to figure all that stuff out. The world is your oyster.” He grinned to make his cheesy comment not so cheesy.
The lights weren’t on in my driveway, I noticed, which meant Pop was out again. “This is me,” I said. “Thanks for going out of your way.” I knew the Blakes lived a few streets over.
“Don’t sweat it. And hey, if you ever want to talk about travel stuff, or college or whatever, I’m around for a few more weeks. We could grab pie or something.” He smiled and didn’t break my gaze.
“Yeah, maybe, thanks, Carter.”
“See you around, Taylor.”
I opened the door, kind of confused. Did Carter Blake just ask me on a date? Did I want it to be a date? Maybe? Carter didn’t seem to be hiding anything. He was all pie and stars and talk about travel.
But why did it feel like something was missing?
When I walked inside, the house was cold and empty. Pop must have been called to a complicated job. I walked straight into my bedroom, sat on the bed, and took out my phone.
Me: Want to talk?
Lennie: Not tonight
Okay, it definitely wasn’t the right time to talk about Carter or complain about James.
Me: Ofc. Tomorrow. Here if you need me before then.
Me: Thanks for all the help tonight ?
Lennie: Night. Love you xx
Me: Love you xx
So instead of pouring my angry, confused heart out to my best friend, I got changed and slid into a cold bed.
Any time I felt alone, I reached straight under my pillow for Mom’s notebook.
I opened it at a random page, pretending she was there with me, whispering all the words in my ear.
Today Mike asked me if I ever regretted not going to New York with Lisa May that summer after graduation.
Honest answer? Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like. But I don’t think wondering is the same as regret.
I think about the version of Alison who went. Who’s living in some tiny apartment, working three jobs, chasing something she can’t name. Maybe she’s happy. Maybe she found what she was looking for.
But instead I found Mike. And Oak Falls. And a life that feels like mine …
It was like the universe was sending me signs from every direction. A letter that said Go, Willa, take the money and run! Carter, who agreed. But Mom, who thought staying was cool too. I hugged the notebook, slid it under my pillow, then drifted off into an uncomfortable sleep.
Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best mood when I walked into the coffee shop for my Sunday-morning shift.
James was already there, just standing behind the counter taking up too much space, wearing a green-checked flannel today over a white T-shirt.
Ugh, the green was the same dark emerald as the scarf I was about to take off.
His eyes flicked up as I walked in, but suddenly he was very focused on the coffee machine.
Fine. Two could play at that game.
Soon the coffee shop was filled with regulars, and I was giving them their orders almost before they’d asked. Not that James was impressed. And not that I was trying to impress him.
“Does she have a hip flask?” James whispered angrily into my ear as he nodded toward old Mrs. Porter sitting at the window.
“We just ignore it,” I answered before smiling at a customer who motioned for a refill.
“Ignore it?” James echoed, following me like an annoying shadow. Then he crashed into something and swore under his breath.
I looked down to see that he’d broken one of the ceramic pumpkins. Usually when things were broken, I didn’t see the use in getting angry. It was just a thing. No big deal. But today, I lost it.
“For goodness’ sake, can you watch where you’re going?”
“Well, that’s why I moved them into the corner, so people won’t trip on them. And you keep moving them back, for some unknown reason!” he snapped.
“Unknown reason? The reason is that you can’t just swoop in and change the way things are just because you like it better some other way.”
He stared at me for a few seconds, eyes narrowed. “How about this? Stop putting crap all over the place. I don’t think the floor is the best place for a stupid ceramic pumpkin. Why do you?” he seethed.
He’d never called my decorations crap before. And he’d never looked at me like that. Like I was the problem. I fled to make someone a mocha.
Then the bell over the door rang and a little boy came in. He was seven, maybe, and Sara was right behind him.
The little boy was at the counter in front of me, practically drooling over the rainbow cookies.
“Hey, great stall last night!” said Sara. “Can we get two of the cookies, please?” She looked at me and smiled.
“Oh, hey, Sara, of course.” I gave her my friendliest grin and put four cookies in a bag for her. “Two extra for Lennie’s girlfriend.”
Sara’s eyes widened in horror as I handed her the bag. The little boy looked up at her in confusion.
“You’re a girlfriend?” His face was all scrunched up.
Sara grabbed the bag, abandoned some cash on the counter, and left in a rush as the little boy ran out after her.
Crap. Crap. Crap!
“You need to pay for those extra cookies,” a voice behind me said.
“Obviously!” I said, chucking a couple of dollars from my pocket in the direction of the register without turning around. I grabbed the dish towel and squeezed it hard, wondering why everything and everyone were just so damn difficult right now.
I made a cinnamon latte and took my break early. Then wished I hadn’t, because my phone was blowing up.
Lennie: What the hell Willa? You told Sara’s brother we were going out?
Lennie: I actually can’t with this. How dare you?
Lennie: Her parents are super trad. You knew this! In fact I know I told you this the other day
Lennie: I really thought you were better than this
I felt sick. Like I was about to throw up right on the street outside the coffee shop. I pressed the Call button, desperately trying to hold back tears. I didn’t mean to. I just thought … I guess I didn’t think at all. No answer. So I phoned again, and again. But nothing.
Lennie: Stop calling me
I could barely breathe. What had I done? And now Lennie wasn’t talking to me. Tears pricked my eyes, but I forced them back. I heard the door open behind me, but I didn’t turn around.
“Maybe you could come back to work if it’s not too much trouble?
” I wanted to turn and throw my phone at James.
It was like he’d had some weird memory blank.
That we hadn’t been kissing in the coffee shop, or flirting with each other or almost-kissing at Harvest Festival.
He was back to being the James from his first day in town, and I just couldn’t keep up.
I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and dreaming of somewhere else. Anywhere else. Rome. I’d think about Rome, like Carter had mentioned last night. Carter, who’d been nothing but nice.
I worked the rest of my shift in silence. I even did extra cleaning just to keep busy, to avoid thinking about the whole mess I’d just made.
I rushed out as soon as the last customer left, jogging home to get there faster. Pop and I could talk about the letter and everything at last.
Pop was home, for once. The fire was on and he was … cooking?
He was standing in the kitchen, wearing the apron I used for baking, holding a spatula as pans of something hissed on the stove.
My confusion was obvious. Pop didn’t cook. That was why we had so many takeout flyers, and why Mr. Kim knew our orders by heart.
“Pork chops,” Pop said, smiling proudly as oil splattered from a pan onto his bare forearm. “Ouch. I still have some things to learn.”
“Where did you learn at all? And why?” I went over to see what he was making, and it actually looked pretty good.
“Jo showed me. Although it seemed much simpler when she was doing it. I showed her how to unblock a sink, and she showed me how to make pork chops. Seems like a fair deal, don’t you think?” Pop looked at me for approval I just didn’t have.
“Pop, people can’t pay you with cooking lessons. We need money.” I sighed.
Pop plated up the food and looked at me. “Willa, I know we have lots to talk about, but there’s something I want to talk to you about too. I thought doing it over dinner would be nice?” He carried the plates to the table and I followed him, sitting down with a new feeling of dread.
“What’s up?” I examined some burnt meat and nibbled from the other side.
“Well. You know Jo …?” Pop said, then cleared his throat.
“Yeah. I’ve heard a lot about her recently …”
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a while. I don’t find this sort of thing simple. Well, look … We’ve been seeing each other for a while now.”
My heart broke.
Not because I didn’t want Pop to have a girlfriend. I had never thought that Pop should stay single forever to honor Mom’s memory … It wasn’t that at all.
I was feeling sick with guilt when I hadn’t told him right away about some email, and here he was, hiding a whole relationship?
I pushed my plate away, no longer hungry. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t think it was serious …”
“But it is?”
“Maybe.” Pop looked at me apologetically, but anger rose in my chest.
“You still need to tell me things, you know. Even if it’s not serious, it affects my life too. Keeping secrets just makes me feel alone, Pop. I hate secrets. I hate them.”
James had secrets too. About April, about why he came back, about what he actually thought of me. Sara’s secret had gotten me into huge trouble I might not be able to fix. Everyone had these stupid walls up except for me, yet I was getting shut out by all of them.
I stood up and pushed my chair back. I hadn’t done anything about that email and the letters because I wanted to stay close to him. And here he was, leaving me in his own way?
“I didn’t want to disrupt your life,” Pop said, his eyes pleading.
“Well, it’s too late for that,” I sniffed. It was also too late to hold back tears, because they were streaming thick and fast down my cheeks.
“Last night, you said you were coming to Harvest Festival. You said you were coming …” My face crumpled again and I felt like a child.
“Willa, sweetheart, I meant to come, but Jo … we stayed in to have dinner, I didn’t realize. I thought you’d be busy with the stall and your friends …” Pop’s words were coming out fast. Panicked.
“I was ignoring the attorney stuff because I didn’t want to leave you right now. I thought, I don’t know, I thought we were on the same page.” I barely got the words out through the tears.
“Willa—”
But I’d grabbed my coat and slammed out the front door before I could hear whatever it was he was going to say.