7 Library
I LET IT ALL OUT. A full, uncensored rant about everything that had happened. And even though the problems were still there, something felt lighter. And when I’d finally calmed down, we sat in our usual seats. Theo shifted uncomfortably in his and cleared his throat.
“Sorry,” I said, my voice still thick from crying. “I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s fine, Doc, fine.” He moved a sketchbook away from him, then pushed his glasses up his nose. “Do you want to talk it through?”
I shook my head. Talking about Pop and Lennie would just make me cry all over again.
He picked up a pencil and tapped it on the table.
“Okay, something else, then. What about your essay? Any more thoughts about what you want to say?” he asked.
“Not really,” I admitted sadly. The essay hadn’t even crossed my mind today.
He nodded at his sketchbook. “Well then, want to see what I’m working on instead?”
He opened the book and I leaned over to see pages covered in detailed pencil drawings. The library. From all different angles, inside and out.
“You drew all these?” I looked at them in awe.
“Yeah, I mean, some of them are really rough. I did these today, actually.” He pointed to a drawing of the intricate details above the window we sat beside.
“After—” He didn’t finish, but we both knew what he meant.
After our kiss, after I chose Harvest Festival over him and left him sitting here alone.
We still weren’t talking about it. Just dancing around it. Unfinished sentences and careful words.
“You’re really talented.” I let my eyes meet his and was so grateful not to see that cold, condescending glare. There was a sparkle instead. He closed the sketchbook.
“I didn’t think you were capable of crying,” he said.
“What do you mean?” I was confused.
“You always look so happy.” He pushed my hair behind my ear and reached for my hand, sending something warm and sweet through my body despite everything.
“That smile of yours, it lights up everything around you. So when it’s not there, everything feels kind of dark …
like a solar eclipse.” Theo smiled intently at me and I managed a small laugh.
“And do you want to know a secret? I don’t actually know that much about the weather. ”
“I thought weatherpeople were supposed to know everything about the weather?” I teased, letting myself forget about the fighting for a few seconds, because having these moments with him? My hand in his, that grin just for me? It was electric.
“Want to know another secret?” Theo moved even closer, and my body answered without me telling it to. I leaned into him.
“I do,” I admitted, sniffing.
“I lied on my weatherman application.”
I mock-gasped. “Well, you convinced me.”
“Thanks, Doc, that’s all that matters … So, come on. Tell me why everything happened tonight?”
“I guess everything just got to be too much.” My voice wobbled dangerously again.
“Well, tell you what. Why don’t I help you with those beams you were talking about? I could do it for free.”
Beams? Oh, the beams in our house that Pop was trying to fix. They’d been part of my sobbing rant when I’d stormed in here.
“It would actually be really good practice for me. I worked on my uncle’s building sites the last few summers and picked up a lot.
And you’ve seen for yourself how great I am at fixing stuff.
I’m sorry, but look at this window.” Theo pushed the window beside him.
“Not a draft in sight … Can you feel a draft?”
I smiled at the way he scrunched up his nose and pushed up his glasses. It used to annoy me. And now? It was just cute. But wait. I’d poured my whole heart out. “That’s the part you picked up? The beams?”
He squeezed my hand. And there it was again, the full-body tingle. Like magic.
“No, I get it. I get all of it. But the beam part. That’s something I can help with …
People don’t like things to change. They don’t like people to change.
It makes them look at themselves. Like really look at themselves, and maybe they think they’re getting left behind?
So when you want something bigger, something different, it’s a mirror and they don’t like what they see reflected back.
” He squeezed my hand again and didn’t let it go.
The words settled in my mind, heavy and true.
Lennie planning to go to college in a different state when I was planning London.
Pop just living the life he built here, Krista and Avery staying, when I wanted to leave.
It wasn’t that I was doing something wrong.
I was just doing something they couldn’t.
“You’re totally entitled to want more. To change yourself. To leave.”
Nobody had ever said that to me. Not like this. That changing wasn’t betraying anyone.
“And I like your new clothes, but if it means anything, I like your old clothes too.” The corner of his mouth turned up. “I think I just like you, Doc, whatever way you show up.”
My heart was in my mouth, and I was sure he could hear the thud against my chest. He liked me.
And of course I liked him, too, despite the patronizing looks and the arrogance that he wore like a second skin.
He was clever and funny and all that stuff he’d just said?
He saw the version of me I was trying to become.
I could have kissed him right there, but I held back.
“Maybe you’re right.”
Theo stroked the back of my hand with his thumb as he studied my face. “I’m usually right.”
“Oh, so sure of yourself?”
He shrugged. “I’ve never had a problem with self-confidence.” He pulled me up from my seat. “I know something that might cheer you up. Temporarily anyway …”
I raised my eyebrows and allowed myself another smile as I let him lead me into a book aisle. The romance aisle.
“What are we doing here?” I asked.
“Research,” he said seriously, and started examining the rows of books.
I laughed. “I’m not sure you’re going to find too much useful information in this aisle.”
“And that’s where you’re wrong.” Theo pulled out a book and studied the cover. A shirtless man and a woman in a bikini. Their skin was shiny, like they’d been dipped in fryer grease. But in a sexy way?
“I don’t think I’m wrong,” I giggled, and moved beside him so we were both looking at the book. Forbidden Nights.
“Well, I did some of my own research the other day, just to see if any of these other books are as educational as Playing Doctor …” He opened the book and flipped through the pages, leaving the words in the air.
“Are you ever going to forget about that?”
“Absolutely not,” he whispered. He put Forbidden Nights back on the shelf and scanned the book spines again. “Oh, here it is.” He pulled out another book and showed me the cover.
A London Affair.
I stifled a laugh. It was hard to stay quiet in the library sometimes.
“Don’t laugh. It’s very relevant to your research.” He opened the book and looked through it like he’d done with the last one.
“Oh, really?”
He ran his finger down one of the pages. “Ah yes, here it is …”
Then he started reading to me, in a low whisper. I leaned against his shoulder.
“The rain-soaked streets of London provided the perfect backdrop as he pressed her against the cold wall of the alley, his body shielding her from the downpour … ‘We should go inside,’ she whispered.
“ ‘Should we?’ His hand found the curve of her waist under her silk blouse. The heat of his hand on her skin made her ache for him. ‘Maybe we should stay right here?’“
My face was on fire. “I’m not sure that’s helpful for my research …”
“Wait, there’s more …” He started reading again.
“His lips found her neck as the rain continued to fall, and she forgot to be cold, forgot to be proper, forgot about everything as his hands—”
It was too much. I snatched the book away from him and shoved it back into one of the shelves.
“What’s wrong, Doc? I’m just trying to help you prepare for London. For all the wall-pressing in alleys that might happen …” He turned so he was facing me, my back against the bookshelf. He pressed against me and I let him.
“You’re blushing,” he said, leaning in close.
“I am not,” I lied.
“Which part did this?” He reached up and stroked my burning cheek. “The rain? The alley? Or”—he slid his hand underneath my shirt and found the curve of my waist—”the hand under the coat?”
And I answered by kissing him. Not gentle and sweet like before, but hungry.
His hand was in my hair, and I didn’t even care that book spines were hurting my spine, I was way too focused on the way he tasted, how he smelled, the closeness of our bodies, and that noise he made when I pulled him even closer to me.
Someone cleared their throat. “The library is closing in five minutes.”
We broke apart just in time to see Jo raise an eyebrow and walk back toward her desk.
I gasped and covered my mouth.
“Oh no, I can’t believe she saw that.” My face flushed for the thousandth time that night.
“So?” Theo shrugged.
“So? Theo, this is Jo. Jo who’s known me since forever. And she knows everyone in this town. By tomorrow everyone will know.”
I put on a voice: “Oh, did you hear about Mike Taylor’s daughter and that boy? They’ll be talking about it in church, at the grocery store, at—”
“You’re overthinking this.” Theo cut me off. And he was trying not to smile.
“I’m not!” I grabbed my bag and noticed that my hand was shaking slightly.
Theo caught my wrist. “Breathe. It’ll be okay.”
I dropped my bag on the floor. “Everyone is going to know. Everyone.”
“Let them,” Theo said gently, and moved his fingers from my wrist so he was holding my hand instead. “Let them talk.”
“It’s easy for you. You don’t live here. Not really.”
He really looked at me then. Like he was taking it in. “I bet it won’t be as bad as you think.” Then he leaned in and kissed me again, gently this time, calming my racing heart.
I was trying to figure out what this all meant. What to say. Were we a thing now? Then Theo spoke: “You’re not going to make me wait until next weekend to see you again, are you?”