36. Chapter 36
Lucy drove past Jack’s house for a second time. His car definitely wasn’t there, and there were no lights on or other signs of life. Perhaps she was too late—he had already left for New York.
She slowed and parked on the road.
Who had sucked all the oxygen out of the car? She rolled the windows down and took some deep breaths.
After work, she had gone home and sat and looked through all the wedding pictures. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from them. Couldn’t stop looking at the expression on Jack’s face in the photo where she was laughing, or at the tenderness evident in the photo of the kiss. That kiss. Of all the things that had happened that weekend, there was no easy way to explain that one away.
A decision was made—she needed to know if there was anything between them to hold on to before he left for New York. Lucy knew she needed to move quickly, before she could talk herself back out of it. She had showered, washed her hair, and pulled on a simple blue slip dress. She twisted her hair into a loose bun and dabbed some perfume behind her ears. Coaching herself in the bathroom mirror, she glared at herself.
Don’t be a wimp. You can do this. Pull yourself together.
Now, her earlier gumption deserting her, she sat in the car outside Jack’s empty house and gulped lungfuls of warm summer evening air. A woman with a wheezing pug dog walked past and gave side-eye to the sweaty woman in the car in the blue dress.
A lump grew in her throat as she realised she had waited too long. Two whole weeks had passed as she prevaricated and hoped he would be the one to reach out. Two weeks of wondering how he was feeling instead of simply asking him. Two weeks of trying to buck up the courage to say something—anything—about what she was feeling. Days of picking up the phone and typing out messages then deleting them, unsent.
The woman with the pug was walking slowly back past her. Lucy could see the woman mentally taking notes and imagined she’d be on the agenda at the next neighbourhood watch meeting. Suspicious looking woman snivels in a car. Be on the lookout.
Lucy gazed at Jack’s house, dark and quiet. Maybe she was too late. Perhaps he had already left for New York. Her mind cast back to all the times spent at Jack’s. To the board game night where her team won in a dead heat final round of Articulate, to a BBQ last summer when Jack (after several drinks) had suggested they dig Twister out from where it had been shoved in the back of the cupboard. Aislinn ended up with a sprained wrist and a trip to AE. She remembered the night last Christmas when Jack had been poorly and she had gone round with mince pies and ice-cream and they’d watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and Jack had fallen asleep half an hour in.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she scrambled to drag it out, fingers fumbling in haste. Flipping open the cover, she saw that it wasn’t a message from Jack, but a reminder to send a birthday card for Peter. Lucy slumped lower into the car seat and felt tears start to fall.
Then she looked again at the time on her phone screen. Seven o’clock. It wouldn’t be that unusual for Jack to still be at work at this time, especially if there was a lot going on, like, oh, I don’t know, selling the company, for example. Maybe he hadn’t left yet. Maybe she’d just gone looking for him in the wrong place.
She turned the engine on again, then switched it off. Him not being at home, the first place she had looked was a sign—a sign that this was a bad idea. No good could come of this. If he wanted there to be anything between them, he wouldn’t have left the wedding early. He’d have been in touch sometime in the past couple of weeks.
No—she switched the engine on again. She had to do this. She had to say what she felt, even if he didn’t reciprocate. If they were ever to have a chance of being friends again, they had to clear the air. Then, they could move on and laugh about it one day. Or she’d have to move to the other side of the country and change her name by deed poll. Either-or, really.
Wiping her face and hoping there was some mascara left on her eyes and not just smeared down her cheeks, Lucy pointed the car towards town and the offices of BrandFriendsSocial.
The car park of the office building was quiet, and Lucy spotted Jack’s car immediately. Her heart leapt—at least he hadn’t left for New York just yet.
Infused with a surge of nerves about what she was about to do, and gripping the steering wheel like a nervous learner driver, Lucy parked haphazardly half in and half out of a space. She shoved the car door open and pulled herself out on unsteady legs. She dragged in a lungful of air and slammed the car door with more strength than she felt.
The first step towards the office building triggered an explosion of thoughts.
He might be in a meeting. His colleagues will be there, and they’ll all know and be laughing behind your back. He’ll see you coming and hide. There’s another woman there, clad in scanty underwear for some secret tryst. He’ll ask you to leave. You’ll be sick as soon as he opens the door. He’ll look at you with pity and say he doesn’t feel the same, sorry, and then you’ll have to change your identity. He’ll truly think you’re joking and laugh.
Really, he would say, you thought there was something between us? You asked me to lie for you, and you wonder why you’re confused? Silly Lucy.
She took a deep breath.
Her legs felt like they didn’t belong to her as they carried her across the car park towards the main door. As she approached the entrance, a woman was leaving and held the door open for her, saving Lucy the need to call up to be let in. BrandFriendsSocial’s offices were on the second floor, and the lift was out of order. Lucy puffed as she climbed the stairs, her nervous, rapid breath making hard work of the short ascent.
Arriving on the second-floor landing, her hands shook, and she clasped them together to steady them. The accountant’s offices across the corridor were in darkness, but there were faint lights still on in Jack’s offices.
She drew a deep breath, wiped a finger under her eyes and pressed the buzzer before she could talk herself out of it. She decided it was best if he wasn’t available after all. Maybe he was on a conference call and wouldn’t come to the door. Or was in a meeting and didn’t hear the bell. Or didn’t make it to the door in time. She waited only a few seconds before she turned and started back towards the staircase.
Then she heard the door open and Jack’s voice.
‘Lucy.’
He didn’t say it with surprise or as a greeting—he just said her name.
She turned and looked at him. He looked tired, a shadow of stubble around his jaw. Her heart felt like it was trying to smash its way out of her chest. She swallowed with difficulty. Her mouth felt like sawdust.
‘Hi,’ she said. Looking at him now all conviction deserted her, and she decided that this was, in fact, a terrible idea. ‘Sorry to disturb. I’m sure you’re very busy, I can—’
‘No, no,’ Jack said, stepping back and gesturing for her to come in. ‘It’s fine.’
Lucy hesitated, teetering on the threshold between utter honesty and running to the car and squashing her feelings way down deep for the rest of time. She took a step towards Jack and followed him into the offices.
She had visited him at work several times and always admired what a hive of activity it was; huge planners on the walls, staff chattering away in excited meetings about strategies for a new client, or how to dig an existing client out of a public relations hole they had got themselves into. The place now was quiet, computer monitors dark and phones silent. A dishwasher hummed in the kitchen as they passed. Lucy trailed down the corridor after Jack, unable to feel her legs as they carried her forward and into Jack’s office. Jack paused beside his desk, and Lucy stopped in the middle of the room, unsure where to stand. Jack was watching her, waiting.
She tried to swallow again, but her mouth was sticking together. She flushed.
‘So sorry, but could I have a glass of water, please?’
Why did I not bring water with me?
Jack looked confused but disappeared towards the kitchen. She glanced around the office while he was gone, looking for signs of packing, but Jack’s neat, streamlined office gave nothing away. He reappeared moments later with a glass dripping with water. Lucy took it carefully, worried her trembling hands might not manage simple tasks like holding things at the moment. His fingers brushed hers as he passed it to her, and she shivered slightly. She gulped the water, splashes falling onto her blue dress.
Jack watched her closely.
She took a breath.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ she said, with false brightness, trying to remember her carefully planned speech.
Looking at him now, his dark eyes, faint shadows underneath them, fixed on her, his hair tousled, she lost her train of thought, and the plan seemed, once again, like an awful one. Damn her mother, Cassie and Dot in her absence! She clutched the glass, took a shaky breath, and started again.
Her voice was low but steady.
‘I know things have been strange between us,’ she began, ‘and I appreciate that you have a lot going on in your life. But I am in your life too.’ Her voice cracked. ‘Or I was. And I am finding it hard because…we used to talk all the time and now....’ she gestured feebly. ‘Look at us.’
‘Lucy,’ Jack began.
‘Please, let me get this out. If I don’t say it now, I never will.’
Jack was quiet, his expression inscrutable.
‘What happened between us on that weekend...’
She felt her cheeks flame, and she took another sip of water.
Jack looked like he wanted to cut in again, so she barrelled on.
‘It meant something to me. A lot, actually.’
Jack closed his eyes for a moment and pressed his lips together. She wanted to drop the glass, turn and run, but she kept going. He was embarrassed. He didn’t want her to put either of them through this awkwardness. She felt fourteen years old, trying to tell a boy she liked him for the first time.
‘And I didn’t mean for that to happen, and I’m sure it’s not what we expected or wanted, and I know you’re going to New York, but I thought that you should have all the facts. We’re not really speaking, anyway,’ she shrugged, tears forming in her eyes, ‘but I want to be honest.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘For once. Just wait until I’m gone before you start laughing at—’
There was a sudden noise from the outer office. Lucy paused, her words hanging in the air between them. Then there was a rap at the door before it opened, and Douglas, Jack’s head of finance, stuck his head in.
‘Ah, I thought you might still be here.’ He grinned at Jack. ‘I’ve finalised the figures from the last financial year, and I know you need them—’
He spotted Lucy and broke off.
Lucy was holding on to the water glass for dear life, pressing it to her chest and screaming in her head.
Deep breaths! Deep breaths!
‘Oh, hi, Lucy,’ Douglas said. ‘Nice to see you.’
‘You too,’ Lucy squeaked out.
‘You and Jack off out somewhere?’
Lucy hesitated and contemplated the inside of her eyelids for a second.
‘Um, nope, just popped in to say hi.’
Jack looked tense and was gripping the desk with one hand.
Douglas smiled and nodded.
Leave,Lucy mentally willed him. Get out.
Douglas was oblivious to her silent pleas and continued with his polite small talk.
‘Am I right in thinking your brother got married recently?’
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
‘Yes,’ Lucy said, forcing a smile.
She felt like there was a vice around her chest, making it hard to breathe.
‘I thought so!’ Douglas was triumphant, pleased to have remembered correctly. ‘Jack mentioned he was going with you. How was the wedding? Did everyone have a lovely time?’
Jack was staring at his shoes. Lucy wasn’t sure she could trust herself to speak.
‘Umhmm,’ she managed. She gulped some water and tried again. ‘Lovely.’
Douglas looked a little confused by the scant conversation and turned his attention back to Jack and finances.
‘I’ve emailed the accounts to you, but I’ve also printed them off in case you want to look them over now.’
It was Jack’s turn to speak. Smooth as ever, he nodded and smiled at Douglas.
‘That’s great, thank you.’
Douglas stepped into the room, accounts in hand. He clearly had more business to go over with Jack. Lucy’s heart dropped to her belly. If Jack wanted to hear what she had to say, he would put Douglas off, tell him they’d pick this up in the morning. But his dark head was bent over the figures, and he nodded as Douglas spread the papers out on his desk and pointed out things of note. She felt ridiculous, standing there in the middle of the room clutching a glass of water while they talked about profit and loss. Lucy felt the lump in her throat bubble up, and tears prick at her eyes. All the words she had so carefully planned to say were still on the tip of her tongue, but now there was no chance to share them with Jack. They’d remain forever unspoken. She swallowed hard and blinked rapidly as she shuffled towards the doorway.
‘There’s a slight variance here…’ Douglas was saying, as Jack sat down at his desk to better examine the lines Douglas was pointing to.
As Lucy reached the door, Douglas glanced up.
‘Oh, sorry!’ he exclaimed. ‘I didn’t mean to interrupt, I’ll only be a moment.’
Jack’s dark eyes met Lucy’s as she hovered in the doorway. He didn’t move from behind his desk or drop the papers Douglas had handed to him. She paused for a moment, giving Jack time to say something, to tell Douglas that he’d get back to him later. But Jack stayed silent. It told her everything she needed to know.
‘No problem at all.’ She gave Douglas a watery smile as she slipped into the corridor. ‘Nothing to interrupt.’