37. Chapter 37
Jack stared at the empty doorway where Lucy had stood just a moment before and struggled to take in what Douglas was saying.
‘So there is, if you’re looking for some more good news for Casston, a little more profit than we had originally thought,’ Douglas said, tapping the accounts.
‘I see,’ Jack said, not seeing anything at all. ‘Good news.’
Douglas was staring at him. ‘Are you all right?’
Jack gazed blankly at Douglas, his mind elsewhere.
‘Jack?’ Douglas prompted.
Jack shook himself back into the present.
‘Yes, I’m fine.’ He gave Douglas a half-smile. ‘Just tired. The sale of the business and dealing with Casston on New York time while supporting the staff in the UK with the transition.’ He pulled a face. ‘I’m shattered, that’s all.’
‘Ah well,’ Douglas said, gathering up the papers. ‘It’ll all be over soon.’
‘Yes,’ Jack murmured. ‘It’ll all be over.’
Douglas was heading out now, saying something about picking his wife up from the station.
Jack nodded dully and muttered, ‘See you tomorrow,’ hoping that was polite enough for whatever Douglas had been talking about.
He couldn’t remember ever being this distracted. He was shattered, and not just from handling the sale of the company on top of the day-to-day running of the business. He wasn’t sleeping. He collapsed into bed each night exhausted, his body desperate for rest, and then his mind would start playing pictures of Lucy, replaying the events of the wedding. And he went round and round in circles about what to do, inventing things he should say. Then he’d scratch it all and find himself back at the beginning—exhausted and scared to trust his own feelings. Somewhere around two in the morning, he’d fall into a fitful sleep, then wake around six and drag himself back into work.
And he thought of her just then, standing in his office, vulnerable and raw, trying to tell him something. Mustering the courage to do what he had not managed yet—to try to be honest and say what she felt. What, he wondered, would she have said if Douglas hadn’t, with superb timing, interrupted her?
Glancing around his neat office, his eyes lighted on the little markers of success he had collected over the years. He looked at the framed magazine cover from an article several years ago where he was listed as one to watch. At the champagne cork he kept from the bottle he bought to celebrate the first seven-figure client he signed. At the framed agreement page from the day he had first been able to afford proper office space and had signed the lease on the offices here at The Mills.
All these mementos of a life spent working.
He got up and wandered across the corridor and into Douglas’s office, where the computer monitor, in use only moments before, still burned brightly. A framed picture of Douglas with his wife and two baby girls sat on his desk. A photograph of his girls, a little older, starting school, sat beside it. A happy birthday card the girls had painted for him a couple of years earlier when they were about four years old still had pride of place on his shelves, in amongst accounting books and files of petty cash receipts.
He walked back across the corridor and stared again at his champagne cork and framed office lease agreement. Grabbing his car keys, he headed for the door.
Pulling up outside Lucy’s house, he could see a faint light in the living room. He imagined her in there, curled up on the squashy sofa, glass of wine in hand, surrounded by cushions and books.
Walking to the door, he stood for a moment, keen to be on the other side of it but unsure how she’d greet him after he let her leave his office like that.
Grasping the old brass door knocker, he rapped three times. He heard something fall, then some swearing, then the door opened a crack, and Lucy, wrapped in a blanket, peered out.
‘Oh. Jack,’ was all she said.
She opened the door a crack more and tightened the blanket around herself, but she didn’t invite him in. Her face looked pale in the grey shadows of the early evening. Looking up at him from red-rimmed eyes, she said, ‘I got the message. You didn’t need to come out here to hammer it home.’ Her voice cracked as she added, ‘I’ve had about all the humiliation I can stand for one day.’
‘No,’ he put his hand out as she started to close the door over. ‘That’s not why I’m here. I’m so sorry about what happened at the office.’ He could hear the pleading tone in his voice. ‘I was surprised by your visit, that’s all. It threw me—it was a lot to take in.’
Lucy looked suspicious and didn’t budge from the doorway. Jack looked her straight in the eye.
‘But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to hear what you had to say. But then Douglas came in and started talking about accounts and….’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘I didn’t know what to do. But Luce, for the first time I can remember, I resented the business for getting in the way.’
Lucy was watching him but said nothing. He took her silence as a sign that he should continue.
‘Luce, for years, the business was all I had. Long before we were friends. Dad died just before our first profitable year—he never got to see what it would become. And mum—’ He shrugged. ‘Well, you know she’s not a part of my life. The company was all I had, for the longest time. All my energy went into making it a success. I didn’t let relationships take my attention away from my…’ his mouth twisted, ‘from what I thought was truly important. The business. It seemed to me,’ he swallowed, ‘that work was the only thing that could be…relied upon. I didn’t realise until recently—perhaps not properly until tonight—that I was, um, sort of hiding. Behind work.’
He couldn”t meet her eyes.
He had to get this out.
‘And then tonight you came in and, honestly, I was so glad to see you and terrified at the same time.’
He glanced up. Lucy looked confused.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘I didn’t think I was ready yet. I still wanted to sort some things at work before I sorted out whatever,’ he gestured between them, ‘this is. But I get that’s not how it works. I can see—’
Lucy interrupted him, her eyes narrowing as she stepped onto the threshold, her voice low and furious.
‘You let me stand there and say those things and then just…leave. Do you have any idea what it took for me to come to see you tonight?’
She was shaking, her knuckles white on the hand that clutched the blanket to her, her eyes filling with angry tears.
‘You were more interested in the accounts. I came to you to pour my heart out about how I feel. Can you imagine how hard that was to do? But you’d rather talk to Douglas about profits or variances than—’
He didn’t let her finish her sentence. His mouth was on hers, his arms around her, crushing her to him, rough stubble abrading her skin as his lips parted hers and he kissed her deeply. His breath was hot, his tongue searching. He felt her stiffen when he first kissed her, then she tipped her head back and pressed into him. After a moment, he pulled back enough to see her face. Lucy was trying to catch her breath.
‘Let’s go inside,’ he said gruffly, pulling at her wrist. ‘I don’t want to do this out here.’ He nodded at the street.
Jack followed Lucy into the living room. It was just as he had pictured—the squashy sofa, a glass of wine with an open bottle beside it, a stack of books on the table illuminated in lamp light, flowers, just past their best, drooping in a vase on the bookcase. It was home. He felt a pang deep inside him.
Jack took Lucy’s hands.
‘I’m not going to New York.’
Lucy, blanket slipping from her shoulders, stared at him and parroted.
‘You’re not going to New York.’
‘No.’ His Adam’s apple was working, but he held her eyes. ‘Change of plan. I realised it’s not what I want.’
‘Right.’
Lucy paused, and he could see her trying to make this compute in her head.
His thumb was stroking the sides of her hands.
‘And, um, what is it you want?’
‘I’m still selling the business, but I’m not part of the sale any more. The lawyers are redrafting the final terms without me spending a year abroad to hand over.’
Lucy was quiet, a small frown playing across her face. He wished she would say something. Jack tugged her closer.
‘I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. These past couple of weeks…there has been a lot for me to work out. I don’t mean just the business exactly—though my decision…’ he smiled ruefully, ‘caused some difficulties. There was quite a bit of fallout to work through with the lawyers. And I had to work out what…what was really important to me.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You know, your dad actually, really helped me.’
Lucy looked confused. ‘You talked to my dad?’
Jack shook his head.
‘No, the advice he gave me at the wedding. He suggested that, uh, that selling the business was an opportunity to get clear about what I really want in life. Decide what’s important. But one thing he said really stayed with me. He said,’ Jack hesitated, his eyes dropping for a moment. ‘He said, work will always be there, people won’t.’
Jack’s voice dropped to a whisper as he said the last words.
Lucy squeezed his fingers.
‘It didn’t really hit home for me when he first said it. There was so much to think about. And then I got back here, and I had to sign the contract or,’ he gave a half smile, ‘or not. And I realised then, what would be the point of being in New York if no one…’ He paused. ‘If you…weren’t there to enjoy it with me. I thought about coming back here after a year in the States and finding out that you’d…met someone. Or moved away. Or just created a life without room for me in it. And I realised that seeing if this,’ he gestured between them, ‘could be something was more important than the deal to sell and the time in New York. I knew two weeks ago that I couldn’t go. But it still felt like there was a gap between deciding not to go and figuring out what to do about,’ he hesitated over the word, ‘us.’
Lucy gazed at him, a tiny smile beginning to tug at her eyes. Then she frowned.
‘But you didn’t call me. Or come and see me.’
Jack let out a long breath.
‘I didn’t know if you even wanted to speak to me. I was still working out what exactly I was going to say. I still don’t know what I’m saying, what I’m suggesting we try. I’m not exactly good at this. Then,’ he bent his head and kissed her, ‘you showed up at the office. Looking so sexy and determined to say your piece.’ He grinned. ‘I didn’t know where you were going with your speech, or if I was ready for what this might be, but then after you left tonight, everything just felt so….empty. And I knew I had to come here.’
In response Lucy dug her nails into his hands.
‘So…you’re staying here?’ She hesitated, then, ‘With me?’
Jack nodded. ‘Casston were pretty unhappy to start with, but we renegotiated the sale. And I stay put.’ He raised his eyebrows and put on a mock-serious face. ‘I told them you couldn’t live without me.’
Lucy snorted and tried to pull her hands free.
‘Humph. And they fell for that nonsense?’
Jack slid his hands around her waist, pulling her into him.
‘It might work out, it might not. But it seems now like that’s a risk worth taking. Like,’ he cleared his throat, ‘like that’s the risk that matters.’ He stepped back suddenly and took a breath. ‘God, I hope this works out. I gave up a year in New York for this….’
Lucy shoved him in the chest. ‘Oi!’
‘At least we know the sex is good.’
‘Hmm, it was all right,’ Lucy shrugged. ‘Nothing to write home about.’
‘Wow.’ He pulled her in close and dropped his lips to her ear. ‘Do you need a reminder?’
‘Not so much that I need a reminder, as you need the practice…’
‘Luce,’ He traced his fingers down her spine. ‘Haven’t you learned by now that nothing good comes from lying?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she murmured, as she raised her lips to his. ‘This is working out pretty well for me.’