Chapter Eighteen #3
I spent the afternoon at the computer, trying to get my manuscript in shape to send to Jace.
I actually enjoyed editing; it wasn’t the hard part.
I loved the feeling of having the flesh and bones finished, and just needing to switch out a different outfit here and there to make things better.
I realized it was after five when Ollie barked pointedly at me, ran down the hall, and danced around his harness and leash.
“Okay, buddy.” I stretched out, hit save, and wandered into my bedroom for my shoes, my mind still fuzzy with the scene I’d been working on. I thought about grabbing my earbuds, but I just hooked Ollie up and started down the walk, letting my novel rattle around in my brain.
Twenty minutes later, I stopped at the corner of Kirkwood and looked down Lisa’s street.
Her car was in the drive, but I didn’t see her in the yard.
I was going to keep moving in the direction I’d been heading, but Ollie tugged me along.
I supposed we hadn’t been that way in a few days, and it couldn’t hurt to just walk past her house.
If I was going to continue to live in that neighborhood, I couldn’t avoid it forever.
Anyway, Ollie’s favorite pine tree was in that direction.
I stayed on the opposite side of the street, which was something we never did.
Ollie stepped off the sidewalk over and over to try to get me to cross, but I wasn’t going to bite.
I was just going to sneak us past, nice and quiet, and maybe just have a quick peek to see if she was in the living room.
That was when Ollie took off. The leash yanked taut with a jolt and I stumbled down the curb.
There was no stopping; I broke into a run to try to keep up.
I had no time to check either direction, and if there were any cars, they didn’t hit us.
I couldn’t get my balance, and felt my torso way ahead of my legs, my arm leading the parade.
Before I could see the opposite curb, my toe caught on it, and I found myself on my face in Lisa’s neighbor’s lawn, still in forward motion.
I was dragged for a few feet, then the leash unwound from my wrist and Ollie ran free.
Oh my God. I panicked, but it was impossible to act on it.
The wind was knocked out of me, there was grass in my mouth, and all I could do was watch Ollie gallop away, leash flying behind him.
I had no idea what came next. He’d run out the front door before, but he rarely strayed farther than the neighbor’s yard.
All kinds of horrible scenarios hurtled through my brain.
He could get hit by a car. He could run too far and never find his way home.
Visions of lost dog signs on telephone poles danced before my eyes.
Finally, finally, I could take a tiny breath. I was attempting to pick myself up when I heard footsteps on the driveway. Four furry black paws and two New Balance tennis shoes appeared from around the shrubbery. “Hey.”
I strained to look up. Lisa was standing there with Ollie’s leash in her hand. Ollie was panting next to her and smiling big. “Hey.”
I expected her to toss me the leash and say “here’s your damn dog,” but she sat in the grass next to me. “Are you okay?”
I was hurriedly dusting myself off. The front of my shirt and knees of my jeans were grass-stained and I imagined my face was a mess as well. “I’m fine.”
“So your dog says he’s pissed that we broke up.”
Ollie had flopped next to Lisa and was resting his chin on her knee. He looked tremendously pleased with himself.
“He’s going to court to see if he can live with me instead.”
“If he’s going to pull this shit, he can go right ahead.”
Lisa shook her head at Ollie. “She’s not serious.”
“He knows I’m serious.”
She shrugged. “Well, he missed me.”
I looked down. “I guess.”
“Which is fair because I missed him, too.”
What about me? “Yeah, he was probably worried he wouldn’t ever see you again.”
We stared at one another. “Well,” Lisa finally said. “You made a rather epic effort to keep him away.”
“By breaking up with you?”
“No, right now. I bet the Paulsen’s Ring camera caught that.”
“Shit.”
“Look on YouTube under stunningly handsome dog sends hot mom flying because she denied him visitation.”
Oh. I couldn’t hold back another second. “I’m sorry.”
“For denying him visitation? You should be.”
“No. For all of this.”
She fluffed at what was left of the grass where I’d skidded. “Yeah, they might have to sod.”
“I’m serious.”
Lisa smiled. “I know it. I’ll quit being an ass. I’m sorry, too.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I dragged you through all this and—”
“I’m just sorry you felt like you had to break up with me.”
I stared at her. “I’m so messed up, Lisa. All my life I get to where I’ve got somebody so good and then I push them away.”
“I’m not going to go away. So fucking there. I’m not going to go away. Unless you honestly want me to.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want that, but I’m just going to keep freaking out and hurting you and—”
“You don’t listen to me when I say we’re all fucked up, Sam.”
“I usually take the prize. I’m sorry.”
Lisa shook her head. “You’re not the only one. Do you want to know why I don’t do Christmas?”
I nodded hesitantly.
“Okay then. Christmas Eve when I was eight years old, my father killed my mother in front of my sister and me.”
I felt my jaw drop. “What?”
“Took the axe, five blows. I counted them.”
“Oh Jesus.” My stomach absolutely bottomed out. Nothing in my life was that horrible. Nothing. “Why?” It felt indulgent and wrong, but I had to know.
“She was having an affair with his brother. My dad had planned to do the same to him the next day at the family gathering, but the neighbors heard and the cops took him to jail that night.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “That doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s not a time I close my eyes without seeing it. There’s not a day that goes by without remembering just how helpless I felt.”
“How do you even function feeling that way? You’re so positive and together.”
“Years and years of therapy. Years and years of anxiety meds. Finally understanding that nothing was my fault. Finally understanding that this is a part of my history and I can’t change it, but I do have the power to move on and make other people’s lives a little bit better.”
“You’re just…” I stared at my hands. “You’re amazing.”
She shrugged. “Well, now you know.”
“Did you grow up with family?”
“We grew up with my grandparents. They never took us to see my father and he died in jail three years ago.”
“Wow. Are your grandparents still alive?”
She shook her head. “It’s just me and my sister. I told her about you,” Lisa said, cocking one eyebrow. “You know, back when we were together. She’s read three of your books so far.”
“I hope she doesn’t hate them. I just…I can’t imagine going through that. I feel so stupid being fucked up next to that.”
“She loves them. And, Sam…This isn’t a competition.
My grandparents couldn’t make everything better, but they did what they could and they gave us a wonderful childhood.
They took great care of us and they made me feel worthy and loved every single day.
They took us to the beach and taught us all kinds of things we’d never learn in school and they went to every single one of my softball games, even the out-of-town ones in college.
I do have some triggers, okay? I do wake up some nights screaming. ”
“I bet.”
“What I’m trying to say is you’re not the only one. I suspect you’ve survived some trauma too, beyond what your mother has put you through. You don’t need to tell me about it, you just need to let me know when you need to be held or listened to or just left alone.”
“Most of it is just my stupid brain. Catherine upped my antidepressants the other day. I’ve been off-kilter for a while.”
“I know it. Can we try?”
“To make this work?”
She nodded. “You’re just such an amazing person and you make me feel so good about myself that I don’t want to let go so easily. Anyway, your dog wants it.”
“Yeah, he made that fairly clear. And I’d love to.”
Lisa grinned and gave me a hand up. It took a second to get into a standing position and she gave me an apologetic look. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“My boobs are kind of sore.”
“I bet. C’mere.”
This time, I accepted her hug gratefully. We held on for a long time, until Ollie stood up and smacked us with his front paws to join in.