Chapter 3 #4
"We were good, Heidi," I whisper. "We had our lives together planned out.
We wanted the same thing on the same timeline.
I loved her. I thought she loved me. And then she just fucking vanished, literally overnight, without a word to anyone.
No joke—not even her parents knew where she went, and then when she did share it with them, she made them promise not to tell anyone.
She needed a fresh start, and that's all I've ever known.
Until last night when she suddenly just…
appeared. I literally bumped into her. And then I saw her unexpectedly again this morning, and…
" I shake my head. "It's got me fucked up. "
"That's fucking cold, damn." She frowns, shakes her head, her gaze thoughtful. "Ghosts you without a word, and then shows up, what, almost twenty years later? Did she at least explain?"
"Not yet. She promised she would before she left."
"I could speculate, but it would be just that—speculation.
But my feeling is that unless you misread the relationship and it wasn't as serious for her as it was for you, then she had to have had a good reason for what she did.
Doesn't excuse it or make it better, but a seventeen, eighteen, or nineteen-year-old girl isn't always the most logical or rational of creatures. "
"Neither is a seventeen, eighteen, or nineteen-year-old boy."
“Hell, I'm not sure how logical or rational I am now, and I'm forty-fucking-two." She laughs.
"Right? Me either."
Silence.
Heidi's eyes search mine. "Take some time, Cole.
Talk to her. Get some answers." She covers my hand with hers.
"We're friends, and I'm always here for you in that capacity, but I think you need to find a way forward, and hopefully into a situation where you don't need me.
Despite how things are between us, Cole, I do care about you as a person.
I'll just never fall in love with you. Or anyone. "
"Are you breaking up our situationship?" I ask.
She smirks at me. "I do believe I am." The smirk fades into something akin to affection. "And nothing but good vibes here, Cole, I promise. No hard feelings. You're a good man, and you deserve to be happy. I've enjoyed what we have."
I feel oddly emotional about this, even though I know I'll never love her either. "You deserve to be happy too, Heidi."
She snorts. "I'm a thirsty bitch, pal. As long as I get that good dick on the regular and no one is smacking me around, I'm happy."
A riffle of confused, conflicting feelings flutters through me at this. "Already thinking about my replacement, huh?" I ask, smirking at her.
"Buddy, I've had a backup on the back burner for months. I think I sorta felt this day was coming."
"And he's got the good dick, does he?"
She shrugs. "I dunno yet, haven't taken him for a test drive." Her eyes flick to me, teasing and hot. "I will say, Cole Mannix, you will be leaving some very…big…shoes to fill."
I duck my head. "Shit, Heidi."
She cackles, pinching my cheeks. "Aw, fuck me, Cole. You're blushing? Can you be any better?" A sigh. "God, I wish I could fall in love with you. It'd be so easy for us."
"I've had that thought myself."
"But it's not there for you, either, is it?"
I shake my head. "No."
She waves a hand. "Didn't think so." A long pause. "This Lacey…"
"I dunno if I can talk about her. And to be honest, I've said all there is to say.
I loved her. I've never gotten over her.
The way she left me caused some serious abandonment issues.
Some other stuff contributed, but that was the catalyst for some very deeply rooted emotional baggage.
She's back, and I don't know why, except for the fact that she's obviously been through some shit. An abusive ex, I think."
She winces. "That shit will seriously fuck you up, Cole.
Big time. Deep, deep wounds. Triggers galore.
Shit you just don't get over quickly or easily.
My situation was worse than usual, granted, but I left that bastard five years ago and I'm still…
" she flips a hand vaguely. "Point is, just be gentle with her.
I know what she did fucked you up, but I'm guessing it probably fucked her up just as much. "
A long silence lingers, then.
"So, now what?" I ask.
"Well, I think you go home. I don't think the mood's there for either of us, anymore."
I sigh. "No, not really. I'd be too self-conscious about not mis-naming you again."
She huffs on her nails and buffs them on her shirt. "I'm telling myself I'm so good at blowjobs that I scrambled your brain."
I laugh. "Wouldn't be too far off the truth."
“In all seriousness, though—if you get anywhere with this ex of yours, I'd recommend being honest about you and me. You don't want to rekindle anything only to have it fall apart because you kept something from her."
I groan. "Jesus. There's a fun conversation."
"Does anyone in your life know about me?" she asks. "Just to take the pressure off you, no one in mine knows about you. It's not a secret, it's just private."
"Same. Not a secret, just not something anyone else needs to know about." I let out a breath, shrugging. "My buddies wouldn't understand."
"None of my girlfriends would, either. They'd want to know all about you and they'd try to ship us and they'd be all over my ass trying to get me to convince you to put a ring on it, and they would never understand why I won’t.”
"Exactly."
I finish my beer, set the empty bottle down on the coffee table, and heave to my feet.
Heidi follows me to the door. "Take care of yourself, Cole Mannix."
I hesitate and then pull her in for a hug. "You too, Heidi Lawrence. Thanks for being so understanding."
She stiffens, awkwardly pats my back, and then steps away. "You'd never hurt me on purpose." She pushes me out the door. "Go forth and conquer, pal."
It feels weird and wrong to just walk away like this, after two and a half years. "Heidi…"
She snorts. "Don't make it awkward now, Mannix. We had fun, and now it's done. It's all good. If things with your ex don't work out for some reason, you know where to find me—and if they do, well…have a nice life."
I scrape my hand through my hair and then wave at her. "Well, bye, I guess."
She laughs. "Bye, hon. Be well."
"You too."
I drive home, my feelings a chaotic mess. It's only eight-thirty, which leaves me way too many hours to kill before I can fall asleep. After a lifetime of late nights and early mornings, I can't fall asleep before eleven and can't sleep in past six, unless I've tied one on.
Which is tempting. The bottle of Blanton's I keep in the cabinet above the fridge is beckoning, promising sweet release from the gripping crush of a thousand different emotions—guilt over what just happened with Heidi, hurt and confusion and anger over Lacey, anger and suspicion surrounding my father's death, guilt over everything that happened with Riley…
Although I doubt anyone would know I feel that.
Or any of this, to be honest. I'm not the best at sharing my emotions, even with those closest to me.
It all feels like too much.
I resolutely refuse to get the Blanton's, though. That's a downward spiral I won't let myself go down—I've watched it happen to way too many cops to let myself fall into the bottom of a bottle.
As I toss and turn that night, it's not Heidi I think about.
It's Lacey.
Those big blue eyes, sad and shuttered and full of barely-hidden pain.
And despite the pain she caused me, despite the years between us, I still just want to do anything and everything I can to erase the sadness, to heal the pain.
God, I'm such a fool.